One Vainglorious Blind Vice - Feb 13, 2006
Okay, darlings. I'm just gonna lay down the get-laid law. When you're twisting in the sheets with a lip-mashing mate, selfish behavior has got to be at the top of the don't list. Sex is all about focusing on your partner, relishing their nooks, crannies, piercings and whatnot. I mean, sure, we all get off on ourselves; it's just that usually you save that for when you're alone. And that's why Probe Light is so shocking. He's a rocker—okay, semi-rocker—a very dreamy boy from the sensitive side of the tracks. Sort of a clean-living-room thing. And so as you can predict, this saga begins backstage at one of Probe's concerts. An unknown minx makes her way into P.L.'s dressing room. One flirtatious remark leads to a lick of the lips, and before ya can say, "Top 40 music rules"...Boom, boom, boom, they go, back to his room where they do it all night. Oh. Forgot one little detail about this assignation. Ya see, Probe's own music was playing on the stereo the whole friggin' time. Such a small fornicating factoid, wonder how the hell I forgot it? Seriously, though, give us all a minute to catch our breath here. I mean, where is the romance? Who gets off on their own damn recorded music? Are you kidding me? Isn't that sort of like making love next to a sculpture of your own Johnson? Ya see, the gal was disturbed; but she didn't say anything, shy as she is. Then again, maybe Mick Jagger likes to get satisfaction while listening to one of his band's 10 zillion tunes. But he's a Rolling Stone. And Probe's, well, Probe. Hardly a legend. What's also weird about this incident is I already knew Mr. L. had some kinky quirks, which is fine. But to learn that he would get a D- in Romance 101? Shame. There is, howevah, a happy ending, at least by my standards. Probe surprised his one-night stand with a little mouth-to... Exact body location to remain undisclosed. I'll take a cue from P.L.'s sweet, preteen-appropriate lyrics. He, after all, would never be so explicit.
And It Ain't: Ryan Cabrera, John Legend, Aaron Carter
Also eliminated: Justin Timberlake
Top suspects: John Mayer, Adam Levine