Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Vintage BV: Toothy Tile

Jake Gyllenhaal Triple FeatureWe finally have compiled the missing Toothy Tile blind vices!  Going back over 5 years here. Check the labels on the right side of your screen for many other, more recent Toothy Tile blind vices.  There's also a couple of other BV pseudonyms in these.  Discussion in the comments section on who those may be.
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One Adorable Blind Vice - March 9, 2005


Okay, sugar-muffins, the only reason this one's in the Vice section is because until quite recently, Toothy Tile was dating his superpopular, superannoyingly perfect girlfriend. Not boyfriend. Which, if you ask this old gossip whore, is the classification Tile would prefer his significant others be filed under in the very near future.

Mere days ago, while everyone was hooting and complaining about this gown and that host from the Oscars, Tile was right out in the open holding hands with his man in a West Hollywood restaurant--which shall remain nameless...because I love going there and they probably won't serve me anymore if I start outing their customers, ca-friggin'-peesh?

Not that I'd be outting anybody, anyway. Mr. Tile took care of that himself. Covertly, but he did it.

It was late in the afternoon; everybody had cleared out. Save Tile and his man-amigo, who extended his hands flat on the marble table (yes, that's a hint) until they were intertwined with Tile's. Massive smiles then appeared on both daring dudes.

Too sweet! And such a departure for this debauched department, doncha think? Don't worry, as sure as Tile's famous ex knew, deep down, way below her doable dimples, what Tile really wanted (hence, the breakup), next week, we'll be right back on salacious patrol, damn sure.

And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Keanu Reeves, Jamie Foxx

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One Window-Fogged Blind Vice - March 23, 2005


This one's getting interesting.

Remember Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice? The sweet movie-star guy who was surreptitiously holding digits with his boyfriend at a West Hollywood restaurant? Well, he's at it again. Only, this time, more than digits are being utilized. At least the ones...never mind.

So, there T2 is with the stud-unit again. In the concrete parking structure of a very popular Hell-Ay shopping enclave. It was dark. Not too many shoppers were around.

Could this be why handsome Tooth (whose legs, I feel, have been vastly undersold, thanks to his mega-charming smile) saw fit to smooch his companion in their car, reclining their seats as far back as Faye Dunaway's forehead. And this kissing scene didn't simply occur in first, my dears. No, Tile brought the all-man, all-body Frenching session right on home, full throttle, all the way to fifth, I'd say.

Damn, that boy's a gusty speed racer.

And it ain't: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg

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One Multimedia Blind Vice - May 26, 2005

OK, my dishin' darlings, Toothy Tile's back for a raunchy round three. Let's see, we've had T.T., a handsome boy, by far, hand-holding at restaurants, snogging his man-love in Hell-Ay's subterranean parking lots...What's next, an Oprah appearance with Toothy declaring his love for the good-lookin' b-f?
Close. Very close.
Word on the homo-connected nut-vine has it that Toothy's been in talks with an Oprah-esque mag (i.e., huge circulation, other media connections like TV networks) about coming out of the closet. Not as gay, but as...bisexual.
This, of course, would help explain T.T.'s past dating experience with lithe female movie stars. But (as is often the case with love) now he can't control the fact that he's in a major butterfly state with a dude (don't you hate it when that happens?).
At least, that's the plan—to be done with a queer writer for added politically correct synergy (some say for guaranteed taste, but I don't trust these reporters, regardless of their sexual orientation).
It'll be most interesting. Particularly when Mr. Tile's big-screen job makes a very sensual, boyish splash at the same time.
And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Will Smith, Val Kilmer



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One Confused Blind Vice - July 27, 2005


Toothy Tile, the rising young male star who secretly likes boys, is creating quite the media sitch. Not only am I told by same-sex inside sources that Mr. T. is still speaking with media representatives about coming out of the closet (much to the dissatisfaction of T.T.'s ten-percent crowd), but poor T. is feeling a tad...pulled.

He really loves his old g-f. That much is very clear. Nevertheless, T.T. is not breaking up with his (largely unknown) boyfriend, even though Mr. T.--whose dimples nevertheless remain quite dreamy through all this suspenseful tsuris--is not quite sure what, exactly, to do about the ex-girlfriend.

What's a bisexual budding star to do?

Oh, probably what all the rest of 'em do: Stay right in the damn closet.

Care to prove me wrong, Tooth?

And it ain't Josh Duhamel, Josh Lucas, Benjamin McKenzie

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Two Bad Boys Blind Vice - August 11, 2005


Let's see, we've got Studly Seymour goin' down on some chick at the Viceroy in Santa Monica. Does that interest you? A little, you say? Well, it was quite impromptu, nothing planned (like in a bathroom stall or anything). Box-office deliverer S2 and his latest gal--for the moment, I assure you--just wanted to share a scream or 15 in the ballroom, that's all. So what if other folks crashed their sweaty party?

Toothy Tile, on the other orgasmic hand, does mind. Or maybe not? Hmmm.

As any reader of this filthy column knows damn well by now, our boy Tooth--much like Seymour, above--likes taking chances. He does it in the parking garages of Hell-Ay's more bourgeois shopping centers. On restaurant balconies--hell, wherever there's a chance of getting caught.


Just like he did last weekend. Parking lot right off the Strip. T.T. and his b-f (for whom, I'm told, Toothy has considered very heavily coming out of the proverbial media closet) were "hard-core" doing the diddly, say their concerned amigos.

Only problem was, a security cop called the real coppers, who hand-slapped T.T. something good. Alas, somebody's somebody called the head somebody at the police station, and the whole thing got covered up--just like most of the fun stuff does in this ass-greasing enclave.

So, don't expect Mr. T. to bare his bisexual soul anytime soon. I hear his relationship with the same-sex partner is suddenly not quite as gung-ho as it has been for months previous. Toothy got so friggin' scared he's edging back in the closet. And--you guessed it--the opposite-sex ex is soothing Tile's bruised psyche.

Hey, don't sweat it, Tooth. I once did it on the Long Island Railroad with my then beach boy, and the conductor happened by. Oops. Didn't ask for my ticket, funny enough.



AIA: Johnny Depp/David Vartan, Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville/Seth Green


Also elimianted for Studly Seymour - Colin Farrell
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One Forced Fagola Blind Vice - Nov 3, 2005


Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're tired of Toothy Tile. But, darlings, the way folks are yappin' lately, this might be one of my last chances to discuss the closeted and increasingly curious conundrums of T2!

Tragic, I know.

Now what you might not realize is that T.T. and his boyfriend have their own share of Jude Law-and-Sadie Frost-style drama. They were on for forevah. Then they broke up. And now, phew, they're on! (And Toothy's public "girlfriend" is fadin' into the background fast.)

But here's the (big) prob: Everyone loves a good drama. And some people couldn't give a Simpson's ass about Nick and Jessica. These folks--all fancy, rich and A-list, mind you--like dishin' on Toothy and his b-f instead. Where have they been having sex in their butch automobiles lately? Jeez. Their li'l relationship is like the cocktail fodder at WeHo's most elite, gay gatherings.

Some het ones, too.

Why, darlings, at all the best Halloween do's, particularly one held by a mucho impressive movie director, it's the only thing folks could blab on about--all the poor Cher impersonators were driven to near tears 'cause no one paid them no damn mind!

Also, big-name big-timers are openly chatting about T2's homo-rrific love life. No whispers required. It's, forgive the pun, out there. Everywhere.

So, if everyone who's anyone is openly talkin' Toothy, can it be long before the rest of America catches up? I for one hope we have a little more time. I'd kinda miss Toothy.

(Hey, Tooth, glad you're back with that man of yours--for good this time? It's sure what he thinks.)

And it ain't Joaquin Phoenix, Scott Speedman, Rob Thomas

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Two To The Limit Blind Vices - November 14, 2005


Toothy Tile and Petunia Pickle-Pop really should start dating.

I mean, it would be a fake get-together, but how many real ones are left in this town? Like Jude Law and Sienna Miller are going to last. Like they got back together because they just feel so right for each other, in the end--current flicks to sell be damned!

So, Toothy and Petunia are pushing the upchuck-and-saliva-covered envelope like you would not believe. Or maybe you would?

Ladies first. Movie-stah Toothy--who's been playing with whether or not to come out the closet for so long now, readers think I'm just makin' this sitch up (I'm not)--recently did a chat show for his latest pic, Casablanca Cuckold. You'll never guess what a network worker bee caught him doing in the privacy of his dressing room before taping...

No, not fornicating (you dirty busybodies), just tonguing his b-f, that's all. And this little love licking spread through the studio faster than a pink-slip distribution list at ABC!



Causing far fewer but much more horrified mouths to gasp at an L.A. recording studio was Petunia's smelly wake. After barging into the classy operation with her screeching wheels, P2 headed straight for the bathroom, which had been oh so thoughtfully set up with scented candles and tasteful towels and such.

After 15 minutes of locking herself in the loo, Petunia emerged, leaving the bathroom looking like something out of Martha Stewart's nightmares. And guess what was left smack in the middle of the restroom--with one tiny towel placed in the middle?

It was a reeking, warm pile of human discard. Puke. All over the floor.

Jeez, whose wake is stinkier these days, drugged-out Pet's or duded-out Tooth's?

And it ain't:  Will Smith and Kimberly Stewart, Wentworth Miller and Ashlee Simpson, Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff


Also eliminated for Petunia Pickle-Pop: Kimberly Stewart, Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, Drew Barrymore, Faye Dunaway, Carrie Fisher, Mary Kate Olsen, Mischa Barton, Bijou Phillips
Here is the other PPP Bv from 10/20/05. 
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 Two Tush-Trying Blind Vices - Oct 19, 2006

That Toothy Tile. He just lives to push the fagola envelope, love that about the young acting hunk! (And I know you do, too.)
Now, quite frankly, T2's latest man-on-man moves far outshine his recent movie choices; though, that's an arguable statement at best—I just don't go fer this hetero image Mr. T. is busy trying to push over on his ever loyal, hapless, ticket-buying fans. 
But we'll just leave that li'l bit o' politically incorrect poo-pooing and get straight, as it were, to the attempted wild sex in the back of the limousine, 'kay? Thought you might agree...
Oh, gawd, I am getting old. I'm confusing all these closeted fruits into one big ass-banging aspic! So, sorry. It was Jiggly Wiggle-Poof who pounced—quite stupidly, I might add—on his so-not-gay limo driver while out promoting his supersuccessful boob-tube show in some hick state. And let's just say what went down was not at all what Jiggly had in mind (something bruised, not blushing).
Also, there's hope, I want you all to know, for Mr. Tile's movie career. Dare I say some of his future film projects are looking up, because, uh, how can I put this? T.T. has decided to start sleeping with better-looking people now to get his future projects—is that being too crass about it all?
In other words, for T.T.'s next 40-foot-wide job, Tooth-doll not only seduced the man who would decide the whole-deal shebang (it's sort of a studly adventure story, in so many ways), he now shares cocaine, hotel suites and party favors with the bigwig. Isn't that sweet when one can stay bestest amigos with one's ladder-climbing bed partners?
Warms my jaded-ass heart.
AIA: Danny Bonaduce, Josh Duhamel, Isaiah Washington


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One Kids 'R' Us Blind Vice - January 11, 2007


Congrats are in order! Guess what? I hear our fave hubba-hubba, humpy homo in T-town, Toothy Tile, is seriously considering making things super-
domesticated with his equally homosational b-f. And no, I don't mean the gorgeous closeted (albeit permanently, it seems) actor is getting a new puppy or Cuisinart.
Hear ol' T2 is thinking about helping his man-friend adopt something, uh, more...complex. As in a human (aren't we all?). Meaning, a baby! Too sweet!
I could just cry (since Ellen D. left me on the verge yesterday, ya know) with happiness!
Couldn't all you hard-asses at home weep with me, too?
Yeah, right—wouldn't hurt for you malcontents to soften up a bit, but whatever.
You all going for a boy or a girl, Mr. Tooth?
And if he or she turns out to be gay, like you, and if he or she wants to become a mucho-talented performer, also like you, Daddy Toothy, I declare, I do wonder what advice you'd offer the kiddo? Hmmm. What could it be?
Stay away from the Biz, altogether, I wonder?
AIA: George Clooney, Clay Aiken, John Stamos

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One Pansy Pushing Blind Vice - July 7, 2007


Bulbous Seymour is one fine piece o' man-lovin’ meat. Not a bad actor, either. But Bulbous knows—just like most audiences and H-town execs are aware—that his best talents lie not on the silver screen but in the golden nether regions of B.S.’ impressive bod. Yeah, he’s a stud. And what do studs do best?
Now, before I get too carried away on whatever (or whomever) Bulbous utilizes his heavenly powers for—this Blind Vice ain’t about him. Well, not exactly. See, Mr. Es has been doing what we here at the Awful Truth live for: gossiping about other closeted homosexual movie stars! Too fun for the hard-abbed tum! Delish, darlin's, so let’s get to whom B.S. is blabbin’ ‘bout:

Toothy Tile, natch. You were expecting Gussy 'n' Fussy, perhaps? Like, who cares about those ersatz het jokers anymore? (Not too many folks, I assure ya.) Nah, it’s all about Toothy Tile—and when the hell this gorgeous scaredy-puss is gonna disclose his sexual pref, already—and Bulbous knows this fagola factoid. So much so, he’s been mouthing off at chic Hell-Ay events about just how Toothy isn’t foolin’ anybody.

Well, I beg to differ. Had I been at this one par-tick fancy-schmancy soiree, I would have gladly explained to B.S. that half of Bush’s “Mare-kuh” thinks T.T. is as heterosexual as our current prez. Wait, Bush is straight, isn’t he? Don’t answer that, actually, do not want to go there…

Back to B.S., who’s clearly dying for Toothy’s sexuality to come to the surface so the media will ease off his dubious dame-doin' existence. Uh, word to the unwise wower: Boyfriend, you just keep on gettin’ higher 'n' higher at those swell dos you go to. You’ll be outing Toothy long before anybody like moi would ever dream of doing so.



AIA: Sean Penn, Colin Farrell, Will Smith
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One Special Edition Blind Vice - July 26, 2007


Look, everybody, I was going to tell you all about a certain Morgan Mayhem family member who, just like Morgy, is getting hugely wasted more often than she burps overpriced champagne, but, like, whatever, ya know? No big ser-prize there.

So, instead, due to an overwhelming demand for all things closeted and Toothy Tile, we’re going to round up all recent clues provided for our limited-run special 20 Questions and give ya another fab clue! Ding ding ding! Hot fun for the same-sex tum, huh? Now, keep in mind, for those of you teething for Tooth, we’re not even friggin’ halfway through the 20 queries, but thus far, this is what we’ve previously let out, as it were:

Q: Was he on Dancing with the Stars?
A: No. T2 is a talented thesp who's way above reality TV, trust.

Q: Are Toothy's initials in the first half of the alphabet, or the second? FYI: I'm asking about his real name, not pseudonym, so no tricks please.
A: No.

Q: Is Toothy known to be an animal lover?
A: Uh, yes, but isn’t everybody (or at least pretending to be) in this hairy town?

Q: What happened to Baby Tile? Did Toothy and B-F Tile have the kid, or did they give up on the idea of becoming dads? Are they still together and superdomesticated?
A: Give the nonnuclear fam time, doll-babe.

Q: Is Toothy Tile known to be athletic?
A: That, my dear, depends on your definition of athletic. He can hold his own, how about that?

Q: Is Toothy Tile Isaiah Washington?
A: Wrong bum-lovin’ boy. Think younger, cuter ‘n’ sans snarkiness.

And for all you unleashed types doggin’ for the good-lookin’ dude’s identity, here are two more newbie inquiries to get ya through the weekend. Now, keep the questions burnin’!

Q: Has Toothy Tile ever been nominated for or won a major American award?
A: For Best Kinky Performance in a Parking Lot? Why, yes! By the West Hollywood Sheriff’s voting academy, actually!

Q: Why is Jennifer Aniston the only woman Vince Vaughn has been linked to in the tabloids? Is he Toothy Tile?
A: No. He’s not nearly agile enough. Certainly not for the back-seat seduction game.

And It Ain't: Don Cheadle, Homer Simpson, Carrot Top

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* Toothy Tile = Jake Gyllenhaal

FYI, Here is our full ongoing list of who has been eliminated as Toothy Tile.

22 comments:

Tango said...

Ok, I wish there was a master list somewhere matching all the celebrities with their blind item names such as Toothy Tile = Jake Gyllenhall. I know sometimes it's hard to know which celebrity goes with a certain blind name, but for quite a few, it's kinda obvious and assumed. As a newbie to blinds, it gets confusing and I'd love to see a cheat sheet.

blurry vice said...

Check our labels to the right!

blurry vice said...

Tango - specifically check out the label "List of TEd's BV reveals". That post has a lot of info.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I've got two questions: First, are there secret cabals of gay powerful Hollywood types who sit around deciding the futures of up-and-coming gay/bi actors? Second, do you think/know if the likes of Toothy, Crescent or Nevis go to the same private parties? I can picture them sitting around comparing notes on the latest Awful Truth. Thanks for making my workday less painful.
—J

Dear Two-For:
Toothy, Crescent and Nevis definitely run into each other during certain Hollywood to-do's, but they don't exactly run in the same crowd. And yes, people actually get paid to decide when and when not (which is usually the case) their stars will be permitted to join the human race and declare their sexuality."

Serafina said...

Wow this is really useful. Thanks :)

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b181647_blab_blab_blab_
jakes_sexiness.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Do you think Toothy Tile has made a deal with the devil? I mean, he's a family man—a father (according to you) and in a committed relationship with a wonderful partner. Yet he has to hide his loved ones in order to appear on billboards and movie posters all over the world. Do you think it's all about the adulation or the money? I can see him saying, I don't need all the money of a Fey Oiled Tush, but, how many actors could give up the kind of adulation that comes along with a major studio's backing? It's so sad that Hollywood forced him to make such a choice!
—TDB

Dear Sad-Face:
Are you nuts? This is business as usual in Hollywood, which has more self-hating gays than any other spot in the world—and that's saying plenty."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
With all of these recent celeb deaths, I have to know, is Toothy Tile still alive and well? Also is there any chance he'll be out of the closet or is he lost in Narnia?
—A

Dear Obituary:
Babe, don't you think I would have gone through some sort of grieving if T2 had passed away? No he's still alive and better than ever. As for coming out though, doubt it anytime soon. No reason for him to, that's how he sees it."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
With long ongoing Blind Vices like Toothy Tile how do you keep managing to get the story? If it were me you were writing about, I'd find out the source and shut them up fast.
—L

Dear Plug the Leak:
These stars work with so many people, it's nearly impossible to peg exactly who's got loose lips. Plus, Toothy loves the attention—just as long as he can pull back into his closet when he wants."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Which B.V. have readers guessed the quickest since you first posted it? And are you glad that Toothy continues to baffle and intrigue the masses, or do you wish everyone would figure him out and move on?
—Detective Without a Clue

Dear Clueless:
Darling, if I told you who's been guessed correctly, it's a reveal! And for Toothy's sake, I wish he would just figure himself out and lead a much happier public life. Actually, I think he will."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Have Toothy Tile and Crotch Uh-Lastic ever starred in a movie together? Wouldn't that be dreamy? Do you think they'd have the chops to do a remake of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? I'm sure we'll never see them in a Making Love, but damn wouldn't that be hot?
—M

Dear Closeted Costars:
When we first introduced good old Crotchy, he hadn't starred alongside T2 and, sadly, that's still the case. Both actors are ├╝ber-talented and have the chops to remake pretty much anything. And, M, if it makes you feel better, Crotch would be so down for a Making Love remake. Not over Toothy's dead body would he agree to it though."

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b197477_jake_gyllenhaal_just_cant_escape_being.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Who's most famous in order out of the three: Toothy Tile, Nelly Fang and Nevis Divine?
—Melia

Dear Fame Whore:
Toothy, I'd say, but probably not for that much longer. With Nev as a close second and Nelly's star rising by the day in third place."

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b202265_adam_levine_stop_thinking_jake.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
When I've chanced the boards I've noticed mention of "rules" to your Blind Vice articles. Will you clue us all in? Specifically this one: The Friday Blind Vice will have been mentioned in the Mon-Thurs (of the current week) Bitch-Back posts. Is this true? Are there other helpful tidbits you can share? Now to press my luck—when did Toothy make his Awful Truth debut? Was it before you began assigning Blind Vice monikers? Cheers!
—Kristen

Dear First Rule of Vices:
No formal rules for my Vices, babe. Sure, sometimes I like to leave a clue or two in the B.B.s that week (or the celeb at hand might just be who everyone is talking about), but they aren't always in the mail bags—just ask Moisty Mohr. As for the Toothster, that was way back in 2005, in a B.V. that will infamously remain: "One Adorable Blind Vice.""

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
In yesterday's B.B. you told us that like Toothy, JJO's career would be over if he decided to come out. But we all know that Toothy is an A-lister, and one of the very first things you told us about Judas is that he is at the same star level as Chad Michael Murray. I think that puts him pretty far from A-list level, so wouldn't Toothy have a lot more to lose? What is it about Judas that puts him in a position where revealing his sexuality would end his career?
—Confused

Dear List Lover:
Correct, Toothy has a way hotter career than JJO. But Judas has some pretty dedicated fans that would have no problem ditching their idol in the homo dust. Sad."

roseyf said...

Ugh, I think my comment got eaten. Anyway, I was always bothered by this clue, but had a thought.

Q: Are Toothy's initials in the first half of the alphabet, or the second?
A: No

If you read it literally, like the old jokes (If you want it, just say it. "It.") the the letters NOT in "the first half of the alphabet, or the second" are

G J K M Q U V W X Y Z

So you can technically say No about JG.

Or am I taking this too far?

blurry vice said...

Edited to add - One Multimedia BV fro mMay 2007. Also the kisd r us bv in which baby tile makes his/her appearance. Thanks eonline for the new toothy archive. we already had most of these.

looks like they left out one pansy pushing bv though, and we have it here.

here is the new archive on eonline

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b203252_blind_vice_archive_toothy_tile.html

Caz1310 said...

D'oh, Ted's eliminated Homer!! Back to the drawing board :)

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/
b247074_which_vice_couple_needs_
let_their.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Do Grey Goose and Toothy still raise Baby Tile together? How can T.T. and G.G. lie about who they are and raise a child in secrecy and expect the child to turn out OK? I worry about Baby Tile. Am I the only one?
—Hot in Houston

Dear Child Services:
Sure Baby Tile has a pretty effed-up living sitch, but at least that sitch is safely away from the glare of Hollyweird. Just think of all the kids that have to grow up with their paparazzi photos splashed on the cover of tabloids. Now that's something to worry about.


Dear Ted:
When it comes to Baby Tile, I'm confused. How exactly do Toothy Tile and Grey Goose share a child? I'm guessing it's more complicated than a typical parental split. And surely someone would have spotted them with the same kid by now. And who exactly is taking care of Baby Tile while Toothy and Grey are off being stars and covering their Vicey tracks? They should just come out already, Baby Tile and all!
—Jade

Dear Lil' T:
C'mon, J, don't you know the gay way? Surrogate, babe! It's the swankiest way to spawn these days. As for the Baby T, well, there's around-the-clock nanny care. But that's just a H'wood thing. Lots of celebs get that perk.


Dear Ted:
How about looking into your crystal ball and attempting to predict Toothy Tile's future? Is T.T. more likely to (a) out himself, (b) be outed in a scandal or (c) remain closeted forever?
—Evelyn

Dear Blue Balled:
B or C, these days, tho it's seeming more like C. Such a shame too."

Cookie Trooper said...

Hello
Could Baby Tile be a dog?

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