Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Vintage BV - Dewbie Stammer

Another oldie -

One Closted Blind Vice - Sept 27, 2007

Oh, it was such a gay party, and by that definition I don’t mean gay gay, just a good time. A typical Hollywood do, the festive bash was at a posh residence. Stars from both screens were mingling right next to the Diet Cokes, the boozy cocktails and the pigs in blankets. And in the middle of it all, nonfamous babes ‘n’ hons were oh so casually just la-dee-dah-ing it up, pretending like mad they weren’t desperate to be the human blanket around Dewbie Stammer’s very own little piggy.

Oh, that Dewb, such the charmer. Never a classically handsome dude, D has nevertheless—like many not exactly stunning guys, Owen Wilson, for ince—always managed to keep the gals fretting by his side. Alas, to no avail. No one woman has ever seemed quite fretlicous enough to warrant being by Dewbie’s side for very long, quel crap.

But that certainly didn’t keep the femmes from following Mr. S round the above party, as (pathetically) discreet as they thought they were being. So very ironically, it turned out to be a guy who made the following discovery:

A fellow guest got bored. After all, it was late, and a lot of the major players, not to mention the soiree’s staff, had gone home. Said guy went to the coat check room, which had been abandoned, and he headed back into the furthest interior space inside the long closet. He heard moans. And he heard slurps. And he realized Missy Coat Check might just still be around after all, getting a very nice tip from a fellow departing reveler.

But when the dude got to the back of the check area, looking up from his crouched position and staring back was a superflushed Dewbie Stammer, having just finished servicing a guy lying down on the floor. No wonder Dewbie never seems to meet the right girl!

(He’s always looking for the right trick in a box.)

And It Ain't: Luke Wilson, Jim Carrey, Jeremy Piven 

Also eliminated: Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake, Jason Schwartzman, Zach Braff, Edward Norton

Top suspect: David Schwimmer


blurry vice said...


Blind Spot - Jan 10, 2008
One In-the-Closet Blind Vice

Surprise! Gotcha babes, didn’t I? You probably think this Vice is gonna be about some sexually repressed, hugely successful TV sitcom actor from the '90s who got caught servicing some random model in the walk-in closet of some Hollywood mansion, right? Well, for a rare change, this little walk-in wondering you’re about to experience is not about fellating some random fella, sorry.

Nope, this sordid story’s about something quite grotesque and hideous. Have you eaten yet? No? Then please, close this item, go get sustenance, wait at least 20 minutes (maybe 30) and then, only then, give things another try. [...]

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Dewbie Stammer is Ed Norton. My g-f and I saw him a few years ago with about a dozen gays (no girls or straight guys at all) and everything started to make sense. And by the way, that story is awesome.
Van Nuys, California
Dear Broken Gaydar:
Incorrect, my little gumshoe. Dewbie doesn’t get offered the choice movie roles that serious actor Eddie’s got for the taking. "

"Dear Ted:
Love your sassy comments and how you keep us guessing on Toothy (I think I know who he is). However, let's talk Dewbie Stammer from One Closeted Blind Vice—Literally. Would it be Zach Braff?
San Mateo, California

Dear Braff on the Brain:
Good guess, g-friend, but Zach’s not our guy. Both dudes do have that dorky-yet-doable vibe, though."

"Dear Ted:
OMG. If One Closeted Blind Vice is about Andy Samberg, it is the most transparent one ever. I thought the one about Jesse Metcalfe was easy, and it was differential calculus compared to this one. Good luck with the legal action, though of course truth is an absolute defense.

Dear Lawyers Won't Be Necessary:
Ain’t Andy, baby-poo, as we’re not always so obvious. Think diff age group...a bit (older).

Dear Ted:
Is Dewbie Stammer from One Closeted Blind Vice Justin Timberlake? Same day you made reference to him being stoned in love, followed by "trick in a box"? Say it's so!
Ardmore, Pennsylvania

Dear Bring Sissy Back:
Why, because J.T.’s so gay with those schoolboy outfits, as it is? Sorry, ain’t Mr. T, as we said before, not always so transparent in our clues. Think far more TV, less heartthrob wannabe.


Dear Ted:
Is Dewbie Stammer Jason Schwartzman?
San Francisco

Dear Closer than Most:
No, but so right on everything else (except the actual dude-pleasuring dude’s identity). Think a tad less successful, diff medium. "

Caz1310 said...

dorky David from Friends? Like the ad for the Friends box set beside the article. Always thought David was somewhat unbelievable in his romantic attachments to ladies onscreen.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I've heard a lot of saucy stories about David Schwimmer. Was he the subject of a Blind Vice?

Dear Who's the Ross:
Char, not only has sneaky Schwimmer been a B.V., but his Vice is so infamous that he made the Blind Vice Superstars gallery. Trust, while he may have come in last on our post-Friends success list, he was definitely one of the castmembers with the most naughty secrets."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Since I never got an answer regarding Keanu Reeves' relevance I have to say I have my answer and I think it is "Keanu Reeves who?"...so sad. Now for my real
questions: I recently saw an interview with Matt LeBlanc and have to say that he just doesn't have any personality. Or is it just an act? Also of the group
on Friends who had the most shocking Blind Vice?
—Julie in Texas

Dear Friendly Schemer:
Considering David Schwimmer is in the Blind Vice Hall of Fame, I'd go with good ol' Ross. Bet you weren't expecting that, huh?"

Shit You Can't Buy said...

Why can't this be Matthew Perry? The trick in a box quote makes me think of a Friends-episode during which he was locked in a box for a while, while Katie (Paget Brewster) tried to talk to him. He kept screaming that he was in a box etc etc.

(Google 'Chandler Box', the episode is actually named 'The One with Chandler in a Box')