Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Vintage BV - Fey Ray

And ... one from three years ago this week.

One Quelle Surprise Blind Vice - April 26, 2007

Here I go again: another damn Vice ‘bout yet another limp-wristed Hollywood hubby. And I use the antigay terminology only because it’s deserved in this sitch.
Fey Ray had it all. Beautiful woman. Gorgeous friends, hangers-on and so forth—all the accompanying high-life accoutrements that strangely just seem to come to heterosexual couples playing house, so rarely the gay ones, save Ellen ‘n’ Portia.
Fey-stud also had such nice teeth (I know, I have a thing with sparkling molars and incisors, so please forgive me). But he also had a penchant for little boys—nothing underage, mind you—something his gal was actually okay with!
Still. It wasn’t enough. A once-in-a-while little fagola fling (even with his baby’s blessings) just wasn’t enough for F.R., so he just had to go and bust things up with his gorgeous honey, so stupid-ola. I say dumbo time ‘cause Fey actually is one of those rare creatures who is bisexual. So many folks say they are just to get more headlines (or cash). Why does Anne Heche come to mind right about now? Never mind, back to Fey.
So, Mr. R. had a regular dude on the side. F.R.’s gal knew all along—and she still tried to keep the relationship going okay between her and her man (what some women will put up with!). Didn’t work. Fey needed his tumescent nooky time too much.
But get this: As soon as Fey busted up with his gal, he also busted up with his guy. Didn’t want people thinking he was gay, or anything.
Oy vey. I think my straight girlfriends are correct: Men—and not just the hetero ones—are dumber than Tom Cruise in love.

AND IT AIN'T: Adam Brody, George W. Bush, James Blunt 

Also eliminated: Nick Lachey, Matthew McConaughey, Eddie Van Halen, Justin Timberlake, Travis Barker

Top suspects: Ryan Phillipe, Brad Pitt, Bobby Brown, Dave Navarro


blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Fey Ray from One Quelle Surprise Blind Vice none other than Nick Lachey? I wouldn't be surprised.

Dear Nick-Picker:
Why, because he was in a boy band and has gratuitous girlie-lookin’ tattoos? Nick isn’t F.R., who can be seen in action on screen, not doing dance moves on stage."

"Dear Ted:
Hey gorgeous, is Fey Ray the equally gorgeous Matthew McConaughey? He seems like he'd be up for everything!
Charleston, South Carolina

Dear Too Kind:
I so agree that it seems like shirt-eschewing, bongo-playin’ Matty could be down for anything, as long as it involves baring his pecs, but he isn’t F.R. Think a bit less buff—but just a bit."

"Dear Ted:
Could Fey Ray be Eddie Van Halen? He's recently had his teeth done and left behind a gorgeous honey!
Hartford, Connecticut

Dear Pearly Minded:
Right profession, wrong dude. Think far less rock 'n’ roll, more bubblegum teenybopper bait. "

"Dear Ted:
Is Fey Ray bringing sexy back?
Gainesville, Florida
Dear Disconnect the Dots:
No, the fruity Fey-man ain't Justin Timberlake. Think less pseudo-butch. "

"I have to say I'm a loyal reader of your column and congratulations on your engagement! Has Jake Gyllenhaal ever appeared in a Blind Vice? And can you please with ice cream and a cherry on top give us more clues as to who Fey Ray is? Thanks so much!
Alexandria, Virginia
Dear Hot for Hints:
Yes on Jakey, and Fey Ray has kids. Happy?"

"Dear Ted:
Thanks for recognizing Adrian Grenier for his positive way of dealing with his absent father. It is important to note that most of us have had some kind of family issues, and the dysfunctional ways of the Lohans aren't the only ways to address these problems. Now, please tell me, is Fey Ray Travis Barker?
New Jersey
Dear Love of the Chase:
Snaps to Adrian for finding his dad and making his way into fans' hearts in the process! Travis Barker isn’t our boy, by the way."

"I am writing you to beg—yes, beg, which I haven't done since...well, let's not go into that. I am writing to ask please, with ice cream, a cherry and chocolate sauce on top, can you please give us a clue that narrows down the field of who Fey Ray from One Quelle Surprise Blind Vice is?
Alexandria, Virginia

Dear Gettin' Greedy:
I told you last week he has kids...That's all you're getting for now."

Unknown said...

Well as Dave Navarro is a top suspect for this and ted gave this away...
Dear Love of the Chase:
Snaps to Adrian for finding his dad and making his way into fans' hearts in the process! Travis Barker isn’t our boy, by the way
By the way being a red hot chilli peppers song, which of course he used to be in 95-96.
Not sure if he has kids though..

S N Humphreys said...

Navarro has 3 ex wives, no children.

erika said...

One of the Gallaghers - as AIA include George W. BUSH and James Blunt.
Who was it that was dating one of those Gallagher brothers?

erika said...

n March 1996, Noel and Liam Gallagher met their father again when a British newspaper paid him to go to their hotel during a tour. Noel left for his room, later commenting "as far as I'm concerned, I haven't got a father. He's not a father to me, y'know? I don't respect him in any way whatsoever"

Just found this on wiki.

I think I got it!

Chilli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Karma Sandiego said...

ellelle26, what about this response to the person who guessed Eddie Van Halen? "Right profession, wrong dude. Think far less rock 'n’ roll, more bubblegum teenybopper bait."

Ted gave conflicting clues on this one, for sure.

Jessi said...

I think he maybe means he's not a "boy bander" who's up doing dance moves and singing but maybe "in the action" means he's up there playing an instrument like Eddie Van Halen

Unknown said...

These conflicting comments have me thinking.... Maybe he is an actor that now has started a rock n roll career?

Unknown said...

No real thoughts on this, but I thought there might be a connection here worth looking into. Perhaps this is an actor most famous for horror movie roles?

Frosty Family said...

His clues from above make me think it's someone famous for playing a musician on screen. Not sure though how the "bubblegum teenybopper bait" goes with someone with kids...

Unknown said...

Mark Wahlberg? Started as a musician, moved into movies. Played a rockstar in that movie with jennifer aniston. I haven't checked the list to see if he's been a blind vice yet so correct me if I'm wrong.

Unknown said...

Ryan Phillipe has kids with Reese who is believed to have been a beard for another BV hall of famer so the bisexual thing wouldn't suprise me.

Unknown said...

What about Gavin Rossdale?

Tia Maria said...

I'm going to go with Will Smith & Jada.