One Immensely Idiotic Blind Vice - July 12, 2007
This one's the best. And no, it's not about putting naughty things up one's bum or nostrils, sorry (we'll be back next week with those curious cavity activities, I'm sure). Nope, this time round, we're givin' ya a plain ol' obnoxious-behavior-beyond-compare Vice job, sound good?
Sure, it does!
There he was, Day-Old Dumbo, visiting the network headquarters of a fairly well-established Hollywood cable outfit. DOD was apparently hungry for something other than that comeback he keeps working on, endlessly (as Day-O's never really again enjoyed the fame he achieved so magnificently as a kid). Mr. D, therefore, hit the deli in the office building where said network is housed.
Musta been a slow day at the pickle place, 'cause Day-Old's mere presence caused quite the commotion at the eatery. Lots o' whispering and pointing, all aimed at DOD, who pretended (poorly) not to notice a damn thing.
DOD then gets to the front of the line. People are still, amazingly, breathlessly watching his every move, as if he's gonna try and pick up one of the babes hanging next to the fruit-salad counter, or somethin'. After all, gal wrangling is, by far, Day's major calling card, as of late—much more so than his nine-to-five stuff.
"Can I shake your hand?" the fawning deli clerk asks, eagerly, extending his own palm at the same time.
Time stops. Every set of eyeballs in that fluorescent-lit joint is transfixed by the tense scene. Will he or won't he shake the excited man's hand, everyone wonders about Day-Old—who, in typical H-town ego-crushing tradition, just lets the poor man's hand dangle in space, untouched.
"What are you doing?" DOD screams, his locks practically trembling as he dramatically pulls his body away from the deli worker in horror, as if the fan's pulled a punch or a gun, instead of the well-meaning gesture. "What are you doing?" he repeats, as if he hasn't insulted the guy enough, already.
DOD's new reality show should only catch such splendid 'tude-wreck moments—maybe then the guy could again get a decent viewership.
AIA: Ron Howard, Gary Coleman, Henry Winkler
Revealed by Ted to be: Scott Baio