Two Schnoz-Straining Blind Vices - January 18, 2007
After-hours parties always spell trouble, right? Yes, thank gawd! I mean, anything that happens after the clubs close at some über-mansion in the Hollywood Hills after two ayem is bound to be bad news, right?
(Just ask Lindsay Lohan where that type of late-night stuff lands you, if you don't believe moi.)
Such delish naughtiness is what was goin' down at the owner of a Hollywood hot spot's posh pad recently. After the booty-shakin' boîte announced last call, said proprietor moved the celeb-hoppin' pah-tay to his private home. How very accommodating!
And all the usual trash-rag suspects were there, as well as some more surprising ones.
But, no guest, I assure you, was as shocking as the Sniffer honey, a rail-thin tart, if there ever was one. This skinny gal, who has a rather wholesome rep, has been rumored to like hitting the slopes before, ya know. But, nothing concrete has been sighted on her—until now.
Some peeps say hitting the powder runs is precisely why this gal got so damn skeletal all of the sudden. But, I digress, per usual.
Anyhow, Ms. Sniff was in dire need of a hit and told the whole room as much.
“Do you have our stuff?” Sniffer Stella yelled to her partner in partying crime, who, evidently, had the supply. “I need a bump!” Thank heavens S.B.'s trusty amiga had the goods! “It's right here in my purse!,” the partygoer yelled back, as the girls not so discreetly rendezvoused to the bathroom, almost as if they were in the mansion all by themselves (which was hardly the case).
Meanwhile, at the same nose-candy coral, a very pretty boy we'll call Wendell Waxer was being rather obvious himself.
The good-lookin' guy, whose sexuality is often questioned, was loudly placing a bet with a friend over who could score the hottest girl in the house.
The winner, it was decided between the cave-dude types, got not only bragging rights, but the rails of coke lined up on the coffee table for the taking.
W2 won, of course, and pulled a hottie right fast. But, W.W., hon, you'd better be careful...the booger sugar, to be friggin' sure, ages that fine face of yours faster than your flack gets fake union items in the gossips.
And it Aint: Jessica Simpson/Wentworth Miller, Nicki Hilton/Jamie Foxx, Ashlee Simpson/Hayden Christensen
For Sniffer Stella -
Eliminated: Jessica Simpson, Nicki Hilton, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Sienna Miller, Keira Knightley, Kirsten Dunst, Reese Witherspoon
Top suspects: Hillary Duff, Jessica Alba
Then here's the second Wendell Waxer BV...
One Jerk-Off Blind Vice - June 1, 2007
What can you really say about a guy like Wendell Waxer? First off, he's damn lucky. See, Wendell was attending film school on the East Coast when he was "discovered" on the streets. Wendell scored a semisweet deal acting on a network offering. Pretty fortuitous, considering our comely Wendell had no acting training whatsoever.
W2 eventually ditched school and headed for T-town with his long-term girlfriend from college. Now, keep in boo-hoo mind, the good-intentioned, blushing g-f moved out west to support her man, who promptly got a huge-ass head from his newfound stardom and dumped her ass.
Now, Ms. Dumped Derriere would surely hasten one to not only not date her creep-a-zoid old flame but also to not invite him to dinner at your pad. See, during a holiday when W.W. couldn't make it home, a good college bud of his graciously asked Wen to spend the time at his fam's place. And Wendell caused a huge fracas at his guest's house over a friggin' board game.
Apparently, mean-ass, egomaniac Wendell made his host's younger sibling bawl over a game of Scattegories. W2 promptly got booted by the host's horrified mama.
Later on down the line, after his big network debut, his same amigo from school was making a movie. And despite Wendell's pleading, he didn't think W2 was quite right for any parts and chose not to audition him. I mean, the guy had never even taken any acting classes, so it's understandable why someone might have doubts, right?
Apparently not to narcissistic Wendell, who did what any mature person would do. He stopped speaking to his former friend. Like I said, sweet.
Sounds like someone needs some attitude rehab, among other things.
And It Ain't: Doug Savant, James Denton, Shawn Pyfrom (all from Desperate Housewives)
For Wendell Waxer -
Eliminated: Wentworth Miller, Jamie Foxx, Hayden Christensen, Doug Savant, James Denton, Shawn Pyfrom, Orlando Bloom, Justin Timberlake
Ted revealed to be: Jesse Metcalfe