Thursday, April 15, 2010

Vintage BV: 3 in one

From Nov 2006

Three Envelope Dangling Blind Vices

Is it the upcoming holiday season, or is our lovely assortment of trim-waisted (and closeted) H-town fruitcakes getting increasingly mistletoe-ready in public 'cause they're getting closer and closer to officially coming out? (As if anybody left in the free world doesn't friggin' know who these cavorting fagolas are.)

First off, our fave, and top tumescent dawg, Toothy Tile: T2 was just caught at a fancy-ass New Yawk restaurant playing footsie with the b-f underneath the table. Right in front of Tooth's 'rents! And the busboys! Not to mention a few (thank gawd) Awful Truth readers, too fun. Tooth-doll, makes sense, as I hear you're getting thisclose to superdomesticating things with your most benevolently forgiving man. What, getting tired of the doin'-it-in-the-parking-lot scene, T-man? Regardless, congrats!

Even more daring would be Renaldo Rim-Me, who's now holding hands with his main hombre in myriad Starbucks and quasi-posh dance clubs across the nation. What-ev.

But really, the more intriguing of our on-the-edge homo report this week involves Matinee Mooner, who's about as discreet with his homosexuality as Star Jones Reynolds is with her temper. Yet in between screwing his latest male conquest in myriad semipublic locales (takes after Toothy, this one), Mr. Mooner took time out to plug his almost heady career, stopping over for a little couch chat with Oprah, and seduced her so in the process.

Not on camera (or behind), mind you, M2 just sorta got his pearlie jobs all sparkling fer the talented broad, and it was no secret Ms. O. was rather smitten.

Must explain why, then, some important members of O.'s team subsequently made it quite plain to a visiting friend of theirs, a little later on, that Matinee was, like, "so gay." This announcement by the big O.'s pro campers came right after their innocent little amiga proclaimed her smitten-ness for M.M.

Jeez, Moon-babe. When the nation's most powerful boob-tube movers 'n' shakers are busy spreading your boy-on-boy biz, I'd say that 9-to-5 gig of yours might be coming to a halt. Or at least a bit o' a slow down.

Just a hunch, nothing more.

Have fun, all you handsome horn dogs!


(NO AIA's)

Eliminations:
Matinee Mooner is NOT: Barry Manilow
Renaldo Rim-Me is NOT Jamie Foxx, Usher, Leonardo DiCaprio, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderrama

Top guesses:
Toothy Tile
- Jake Gyllenhaal
Renaldo Rim-Me
- Ricky Martin
Matinee Mooner
- Matthew McConaughey, Jamie Foxx, Anderson Cooper, Tom Cruise, John Travolta

9 comments:

blurry vice said...

I think Renaldo Rim-Me was Ricky Martin.

The Spie said...

Blurry: Agreed. Ted always has to have some clue in his blinds, and there's virtually nothing in there about him. Therefore, the name has to be the clue, and that name points right to Ricky Martin.

andrea said...

"holding hands with his main hombre" would indicte someone spanish. So Ricky Martin is a good guess here.

Angela said...

Renaldo Rim-Me is Ricky Martin, Matinee Mooner = Kevin Spacey?

cassandra said...

my guess for matinee mooner is matthew mcconaughey. the amiga thing made me think of penelope cruz who he was dating at some point in 2006

pikespeak said...

Good guess, Cassandra.

BTW, you're not straight if you date Penelope Cruz--that's always a big sign.

camtastic said...

wouldn't 9 to 5 indicate a regular gig like television?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
When Ricky Martin came out, you told us you couldn't reveal his B.V. because being gay was not the Vice, but rather other things he may have gotten up to. I am wondering if there are any of the closeted B.V.s you could reveal if the star came out. Toothy perhaps?
—Chaz

Dear The Tile File:
Hardly! Toothy has far dirtier secrets than the fact that he's down with the LGBT. Like, say, sex in public and an occasional cocaine habit (though not so much these days), not to mention there are the identities of Grey Goose, Baby Tile and any beard T2's ever had. That's where things get complicated, Chaz."

- but renaldo rim me isn' that incriminating. did ted really say that?

blurry vice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ad