Saturday, January 12, 2008

One In-The-Closet Blind Vice

Blind Spot, Ted Casablanca, 1/10/08:

One In-The-Closet Blind Vice
Surprise! Gotcha babes, didn’t I? You probably think this Vice is gonna be about some sexually repressed, hugely successful TV sitcom actor from the '90s who got caught servicing some random model in the walk-in closet of some Hollywood mansion, right? Well, for a rare change, this little walk-in wondering you’re about to experience is not about fellating some random fella, sorry.
Nope, this sordid story’s about something quite grotesque and hideous. Have you eaten yet? No? Then please, close this item, go get sustenance, wait at least 20 minutes (maybe 30) and then, only then, give things another try.
Ya see, Ellen DeGeneres’ canine catastrophe is chopped liver compared to today’s Blind job. First off, our source is one of the myriad personal employees reporting to one Slurpa Pop-Off, the bitch who serviced that dude in the bathroom of that Sunset Strip eatery, if you remember, and we’re sure you do.
Now, many times our lady of the Slurpa has brought a brand-new pooch home as a new pet, which she fawns all over until it dawns on the dummy she’s now in charge of a living, breathing animal—and not a stuffed Pound Puppy. And, gosh, responsibility is not our go-to girl’s strong suit. Therefore, upon leaving her house, she often locks these pups in one of her many closets, supposedly to prevent them from making messies all over her expensive pad.
But, uh, sometimes SPO would be gone for hours...days...weeks...and not tell anybody about the dog in its wardrobe dungeon. The animal’s existence would simply slip from her mind! Oh, doesn’t that happen to everybody? While cleaning the house, Pop-Off’s staff have—reportedly more than once—opened a closet to discover a tiny, dead dog.
Beyond hideous. I swear, I may have to out this bitch. But Pop-Off’s employees just may have beaten moi to the punch, as animal services have been alerted.
And just why the hell is this woman still allowed to purchase pooches? Please neuter and spay your pets, otherwise their offspring might one day meet their maker in Slurpa’s closet captivity.
And IT Ain't: Tara Reid, Whitney Port, Katie Holmes

Most probably Paris, judging by past BIs about her. I wouldn't rule out Britney though; she seems to collect those poor little dogs too.

* Update - Slurpa Pop-Off is suspected to be Paris Hilton.

Here is the link to our post for the vintage Slurpa Pop-Off BVs.  Also check our labels for more Paris Hilton related blinds.


blurry vice said...

This is definitely PARIS HILTON. "Slurpa Pop-Off" has been used MANY times by Ted in the past, all have been 100% no doubt PARIS. This one fits as well.

If this is true someone better report her!

blurry vice said...

In today's column Ted spoke of Nichols Cage grabbing a chihuaua and stuffing it in his pocket. Then he asked "Hang with dog dangler Paris Hilton much?" - a hint that SPO is Paris.

blurry vice said...

I just remembered a BIG reason why Slurpa Pop-Off is suspected to be Paris Hilton. There was another BV around the same time as the early SPO BV's, a homosexual male that was into "toys", and I forget the exact name, but it was something "Pop-Off". And THAT BV was basically confirmed to be Perez Hilton. So that confirmed that SPO was Paris (same last name).

blurry vice said...

Britney eliminated as Slurpa. Ted eliminated Bryan Spears as Pork-me, Slurpa's brother.

Slurpa Pop-Off = Paris Hilton.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
You should be outing Paris for mistreating her dogs, not Phelps for taking personal responsibility. I'm very disappointed in you.
—Janele, VA

Dear Good Gal:
I think you just took care of Ms. H quite nicely, babe, but let the record state: I’ve questioned Hilton repeatedly, and she adamantly denies she has ever harmed any animal in her possession, though just to watch her on a red carpet, you see that ain’t exactly accurate.

blurry vice said...

blurry vice said...

Paris in the BV superstar gallery -

Paris Hilton

Pare-poo might have had her storage locker leaked online, her cell phone pics spread around the Net and her own private parts put on display for all to see. But there's still a few sides of Hilton you haven't seen, believe it or not, and none of ‘em made that boring-ass MTV documentary.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I completely agree with your feelings on Vick. I used to be an Eagles fan until they signed him. What I don't understand is how Michael Vick is different

than Slurpa Pop-off? Both are dog killers—has Slurpa Pop-off ever mended her evil ways? Has she ever even attempted to repent for her murderous ways? If not,

why not include her in your discussions?

Dear Good Memory:
Yes, Slurpa's made some major attempts to clean that hideous side of her very well-known life. She's not stupid. Nor is she not without remorse—unlike Vick."