Friday, May 30, 2008

Vintage Ted - Morgan Mayhem

Here are the previous Morgan Mayhem Blind Vices:

July 2006 - One Overly Caring Blind Vice
We all know bod-goons are paid to protect the overly watched frames of the celebs who employ them. Most times, these bossy gorillas are très busy trying to keep pesky paps away or simply shooing starstruck autograph seekers. Occasionally, these walking barricades even help carry celebs' purses or pups. Too cute!

Not this, though: The security staff utilized by one Morgan Mayhem (a repeat offender in the naughty narrative known as the Blind Vice archive) is far more, uh, hands-on. See, Morg's men protect way more than her bitchin' bod. They also keep more than a hawklike eye on her damn drug stash.

Picture it: a swanky Hollywood hotel, known for its crazy parties and late-night flings. A very nearly has-been actor is escorting two lovely ladies to a friend's room upstairs. Said gray-haired type accidentally happens into the wrong suite at a very inopportune time. Morgan is alone in the room, 'cept for her coke stash and bodyguards.

And one particularly helpful guard is choppin' up lines for Miz M. Now, that's stellar service!

And even though M2 was gettin' blown all alone, she ain't happy about the company. Has-been actor offers a hello. "Who are they?" demands M., who's known to hate pretty gals who dare get anywhere near her sleep-deprived vicinity. "This is my room, and my coke!" bitches Morgan. "Get out."

Geez, Morg. Didn't anyone teach you to share?

And heaven knows it wouldn't hurt you (or your nose) to cut back.

And it ain't Mischa Barton, Whitney Houston, Nicky Hilton

October 2006 - One Unsisterly Blind Vice
Morgan Mayhem, consider yourself warned!
Gal-friend, those unpredictable ways have gotten you into trouble in myriad areas of your life, but now it seems your social-butterfly status is in serious jeopardy, too. Hid-eee-us, I know. See, there's this über-exclusive boîte of fabulousness here in Tinseltown that certain celebs consider their personal playground. The door at said joint is tighter than Nicole Kidman's forehead and has turned away highly celebrated, professional partiers without batting a stoic eye.

But not Morg, of course. She's nevah had a problem getting into exclusive places. Also, there's always packs of paps following Morg who are bound to snap her leaving such swanky locales. So, owners are usually happy to have M2 hangin' out.

But the owner of the former spot ain't so thrilled anymore. First off, he's already received wrist slaps and warnings from police for allowing other questionable antics to go down, as it were, at his establishment (which really should look a bit more fab considering the loot this guy poured into it). And secondly, Morg's not just hittin' the snowy slopes anymore. She's got a newer, dirtier drug of choice. And it's becoming painfully obvious.

"She's behaving like a monster," says one of my super-inside (and relatively sober) sources. Not only does M.M. pick fights with other patrons, sashay out of stalls with her sniffer covered in powder and even pass out in them, now she's takin' to doin' the girl-on-girl thang not so discreetly in these dark hangs!

Love the last sin, which, natch, ain't, but I'll just go along with my republican detractors for a sec and pretend like is it, 'kay?

Oh, girl, for gawd's sake, get it together! Your career, sex appeal and hetero status (big whoop!) are going down the toilet as we type.

And it ain't: Hilary Swank, Gina Gershon, Queen Latifah

May 2006 - One Employee of the Month Blind Vice
Once upon a time, there was a talented young lass by the name of Morgan Mayhem. Oh, could she act! She was such a good performer that bitchy rivals simmered with green-eyed jealousy. But one day, a big bad she-wolf in Kitson duds named Coco Cocaine came along. She seduced Morgan with her overly vibrant, come-hither eyes--prettier than Wentworth Miller's, even--and then, suddenly, the big fat studio pigs were very, very sad.

Okay, hold on. This is Hell-Ay; the pigs aren't heartbroken exactly. They're just plain disgusted and scared for their precious beaucoup-bucks accounts.

Darlings, Ms. Mayhem has become the hottest li'l liability in Tinseltown.

"Studios were all but in love with her," blabs one über-connected Armani clad producer. "But she's so unstable that everyone's becoming afraid to hire her. Her behavior on the set of Jump, Jive and High Five! is still talked about. She was beyond "distracted," for myriad reasons. At this point, Armani wearer makes air quotes with his hands and rolls his eyes, sucking back the rest of an overpriced designer something or other. "And we all know what that means."
Queen LatifahParis HiltonKeira Knightley

Oy, oy, boy. I wish there were something I could do to help ol' Morgan out. The problem is that she's about as solid and reliable as a sponge. Stick her with serious, stable, Oscar-hoarding types, and she'll transform into a Jodie Foster. But plop this babe in a Bel-Air frat-house crowd and, well, she'll be first in line for body shots.

The solution is obvious. Ya stick the sponge in the desert and let it dry out.

'Course, first, you'd have to convince her to go. Not an easy task.

June 2005 - One Randy Candy Blind Vice
Did somebody mention food? What's that? Something one puts in one's mouth? Yech! Poo! Feh!

Morgan Mayhem sure thinks so. I mean, really. If it's not some body part attached to some sorry-ass man she's currently taking hostage, M2 really has no interest in placing much else in her increasingly bizarrely painted mouth.

Morgan's new bud, Pixie Mixie, knows this too well. In fact, ol' Pix got so tired of telling her broad-unit to eat, like, sustenance, Ms. Mix decided to throw the lecturing out the window (along with her old size-six outfits) and join the too-thin brigade!

Why do they do it? No idea. How do they do it? Ah, more luck there. Read on...

Yep, M.'s up to her ol' very public antics, yet again. You see, Seduce magazine just had a big bash at one of Hell-Ay's hotter clubs. All the more successful fashion victims in town were there, including Pix 'n' Morg, who were so damned thin (despite the high-caloric booze going down their combined gullets) they thought they owned the pretentious place.

Must be why M.M. (with P.M. along for the vicarious ride) had no compunction whatsoever about going into the women's restroom and snorting enough blow to make even Courtney Love blanch. Right there. In the open. In front of other pissy patrons.

Jeez. When I did that crap, I at least closed the bathroom stall. Youths today have no class.

And it ain't: Nicky Hilton, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid. (Pixie Mixie is Nicole Richie).

May 2005 - One Disappearing Blind Vice
Sex, sex, sex. Is that all we mortals think about?

Well, I'm single (dating eternally), and, I answer oui to the above. But, then there's my bestest girlfriend, hitched for over a decade. Ditto on the doing-it brain. Or take my gray, gruff editor (straight), who's also married and doing the white-picket fence thang. He, too, thinks of little else. Or, so it would seem from his dribbling mouth after he edits these damn Vices.

Take a breather this week, bossman, this one's about a gal who prefers to sniff, not suck, her candy.

Mayhem is the doll. Such a cutie-tamootie, she's got charm pouring out of her sweet little dimples--not to mention that great ass of hers. Unfortunately, M.'s well-photographed behind is oddly altered as of late.

Surgery? Or just a high-colonic and new cheek-bones sucked and inserted at one of those posh 'n' creepy Bev Hills "hospitals?" Regardless, M2 has taken upon herself to use this time to remove her booby implants. Sorta like getting a new haircut when one gets a face-lift, right? Not that I would know, just what I've heard, 'course.

Oh, crap, I hate it when these perfectly lovely babes start playing mix 'n' match with the bod-parts--so boring. I mean, come on, it's almost as predictable as getting hooked on drugs (really boring), 'cause everybody can see what's on the horizon for chicks who start doing the surgery thang too much: lifetime movies with the likes of Faye Dunaway, right? Isn't that where you go when you start playing doc too much with your bod?

Besides, I thought M.M. had a much more mattress-worthy figure before she began altering it so.

Who cares how many dudes she was doing (she didn't). It was the ol' vicarious va-va-voom ride just watching M. strut her sex-ay stuff--especially with hunky regular beau Burr Ito.

But then again, this item isn't about sex, so never mind.

And it ain't: Nicole Ritchie, Nicky Hilton, Lara Flynn Boyle


blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What have Pixie Mixie, Slurpa Pop-Off and Morgan Mayhem been up to lately?

Dear Bad Girls Still Bad:
Morgan's still a blatant mess, but we're so over reporting about her. And Pixie's completely turned her partying ass around, but Slurpa? The next Lohan, clearly. "