Friday, May 2, 2008

One Girle, Gonzo Blind Vice

Ted's latest...

Lead-In
Oh, Brother, Can You Believe This Sister?

And folks say the guys are dirty little birdies? Meet Vadge-Fly Trap. In today’s Blind Vice, she proves that it isn't just the fellas who think with their crotches first and their publicists’ speed-dialing second.

One Girlie, Gonzo Blind Vice

As I’m off to get hitched, thought it would be terribly appropriate to give you a little salacious het-on-het action. I mean, why not, more straights than fruits get married, right? Oh, but could that just be because it’s only legal for you guys? Never mind. This isn’t a political soap bitch; it’s a Blind Vice, and as intent as I was to bring on the hetero horniness, Vadge Fly-Trap interfered. Or at least her gal-hungry paws did.

Vadge, really, is just as ballsy as most of the guys she’s simply clobbered in the Biz. More so, I’d say. She’s sorta like that Spitzer dude in fact—so obviously gunnin’ for the girls, while (stupidly) thinking nobody’ll notice. Hardly!

While Ms. VFT rakes in the major dough for her TV and movie appearances, much of the world may indeed have fallen in love with her, but I’m tellin’ ya, those worshippers certainly don’t include some rich-ass Bev Hills babes.

“She was sitting next to me, and her hand kept brushing up against my leg!” revealed one 30ish, single, Chanel-suited gal (who doesn’t like gals, at least, not in that way), regarding a luncheon party she attended with Ms. Fly-Trap. “She was actually squeezing my thigh at one point,” continued the guy-lovin’ lady, “and I, very directly, just had to ask her to stop it.”

How very polite. What’s the matter with a good ol’ bitch-slap to the overly painted puss, huh? I mean, if a guy had done that to some broad who didn’t want it, it’s safe to assume his pucker would be sucker-punched, essentially.

Oh, completely forgot. People dare not cross Vadge Fly-Trap, that’s why. She is, in T-town, what Tom Cruise used to be: megapowered and poop-proof. But not for very much longer.

And it ain't: Paris Hilton, Scarlett Johansson, Martha Stewart

Also eliminated: Katherine Heigl, Julia Roberts, Rebecca Rojmin, Jennifer Love Hewitt

*** Top Suspects: Oprah Winfrey, Sally Field


Guess in comments!

29 comments:

blurry vice said...

From the AIA's I am guessing blonde. The actresses that make a lot of $ and are blonde are Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Renee Zellweger. If it were Reese wouldn't he have mentioned Toothy? Maybe not. Anyway, an "overly painted face" - this seems like someone who wears a ton of makeup. I don't think Reese fits that. Other thoughts, Madonna, Gwen Stefani, Katherine Heigl, Dolly Parton???

duffgrl said...

My first thought was Madonna- esp. b/c she's sometimes known as "Madge"

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing Jessica Simpson.

As far as the AIA's:
Both Paris and Jessica sell hair extensions.

Scarlett Johnasen's initials are S.J. Jessica Simpson's initials are J. S.

Martha Stewart and Jessica are in the Macy's commercial.

blurry vice said...

Hmm... those are valid points with the AIA's. But I don't think Jessica Simpson is mega-powered and poop-proof right now. She has had her share of messes. Sounds like this is someone who gets more respect.
duffgrl, I thought of the Madge/Vadge thing too. Could be.

Anonymous said...

According to other internet entries, Oprah is a contender, except that no one can pinpoint her connection with the 3 "and it aints". Madge - good guess except for the TV and movie part, and that she makes it obvious (at least in the past) that she's bi.

MOMFIXIT

Anonymous said...

Cameron Diaz wears a lot of make up and seems to be very powerful! She does TV appearances for Nickelodeon and Sat. Night live.

Anonymous said...

Did some sleuthing on recent LA luncheons and pictures of Mary Tyler Moore came up. Could it be her? She is, after all, mega-powered and poop proof, with lots of TV sitcoms and movies. The only AIA clue I can link her to is Martha Stewart. They both have fundraising activities at a NYC hospital. It's a stretch, but ScarJo played Mary Boleyn in her Pearl Earring movie. Dunno about Paris.

MOMFIXIT

Anonymous said...

Oops booboo - not Pearl Earring movie, it's The Other Boleyn and ScarJo played Mary.

MOMFIXIT

Anonymous said...

I find the Oprah guess interesting. Scarlett's a big backer of Barrack Obama (as is Oprah). Also, Martha Stewart could be more of an age (or net worth) indicator - did Martha ever appear on Forbes list? Can't think what the Paris connection would be...

Anonymous said...

Okay, part 2 to my comment above... it's a stretch, but when Blackwell put out his Best/Worst Dressed List in 2003, Paris was on the worst, Oprah was on the best.

THIS JUST IN (from my husband!) - he reminded me of how Oprah was snubbed at a fashion boutique in Paris!! Ha ha!

blurry vice said...

Good points, I like the Oprah guess.

Having a thought. What about the "Oh Brother, can you believe this Sister?" comment? I'm thinking it's someone from Brothers and Sisters... the main blonde one is Calista Flockhart. Of course, could also be Sally Field or whats-her-name, the brunette from Six Feet Under.

blurry vice said...

Ted has eliminated Katherine Heigel - "Nope, but such a deliciously good guess. Think older, less blond, but just as bitchy."
Also, not Julia Roberts - "You’ve got the right wealth 'hood, though, but rather off on the age range."

blurry vice said...

Also eliminated - Rebecca Rojmin -
"Did John Stamos put you up to this? Regardless, ain’t her—not by a long brunet shot. "

So Vadge is brunette. I'm liking the Oprah guess again.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh! Now I'm on the Sally Field bandwagon. Besides the "Brothers & Sisters" reference, look at this: "much of the world may indeed have fallen in love with her" - Remember her "You DO Love Me!" Oscar speech? And I'd think she'd meet the poop-proof test. Can't quite figure the AIAs though.

blurry vice said...

Not Jennifer Love Hewitt - "Thanks, babe, but Vadge is far older, wiser...though just about as full-bosomed as JLH."

Anonymous said...

How about Madonna or Rachel Ray??

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm in a B.V. quandary. I'm guessing the same person for Butter Pussy and Vadge Fly-Trap (a B.V. from a while back). Help, please?
—Agusta

Dear Good Detective:
Actually, Butter and Vadge have so much in common, sometimes they seem like the same person! But they're not."

cassandra said...

almost 100% positive that this is diane von furstenberg.

cassandra said...

never mind just saw tv and movie appearances used to describe her

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Has Oprah ever been a BV?
—Steph

Dear Almighty O:
But of course!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
You've been in the entertainment business a long time and there's probably little a celebrity can do to surprise you these days. Regardless, have you ever been shocked or disillusioned to learn something about a celebrity? More interestingly, are there any celebrities you genuinely admire, and if so, why? BTW, thanks for your support of animal adoption. I think you have a big heart. Smooch!
—MD

Dear Questionairre:
Shocked? Never. Disillusioned? Who I heart? Bullock, for doing it all right. Baldwin, for coming back from his destruction. Glee, no explanation. Sex and the City's creators and cast, for making sex a sexier word. Britney, for hanging in there. Madonna, for flirting with me. Robsten, for rebelling. Miley, for all her loveable crap. Streep, period. Oprah, for not always telling the whole story."

Pale said...

I would say this is Salma Hayek. Look at the comparison Ted makes to Jennifer Love Hewitt above in the comments - it fits.

She's known for being "ballsy" in HW and fiery and for getting what she wants.

Plus it's been reported she and Penelope made out a while ago to see whether their interest in each other was platonic or not. (Solved blind at Blindgossip)

blurry vice said...

pale - blindgossip is made up BTW.

blurry vice said...

Naomi Campbell?

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b187298_caught_naomi_doesnrsquot_
keep_hands.html

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/
b189977_sally_field_shows_rest_of
_brothers.html

blurry vice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Guesswho said...

My thoughts are that Vadge is Whoopi Goldberg. She meets a lot of the criteria and the lead-in is "oh brother can you believe this sister". Whoopie played a nun in "Sister Act". She meets a lot of other criteria: lots of money for TV & movie appearances, ballsy, brunette, full bosom, don't cross her etc.

This ties into Vadge "being the same as Butter". I think Butter is Oprah.

Both are black, multi-talented, have been in movies, are TV talk show hosts and both were in The Colour Purple.

Guesswho said...

Just to add: when Ted notted Whoopi for the Butter Pussy BV, he said "oh so close, but oh so wrong". So she is not Butter but is close to it. Then in another post he says that Vadge and Butter are so much alike that they seem like the same person. Again, this seems to tie in Whoopi to the Vadge BV.

kristin said...

I like your thinking Guess Who, but what throws me off for Whoopi is the "overly painted puss' comment. Whoopi can in no way be described as overly pianted, she is the definition of casual frump!

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