Friday, May 23, 2008

One Remove-With-Care Blind Vice

Finally a new Blind Vice from Ted. Traceless Turncoat returns...

Age Defying and Idolizing
One of our former Blind Vice femmes comes back on the scene, but less fresh-faced, and she knows it. This television gal tries to keep up with all the twenty-something's through some pretty painful procedures, while young H'wood is looking older 'n' older each daywe got that one covered, too! Geez, isn't anyone satisfied with their natural age? Besides Madonna? Or are the starlets just as pissed off as some former Idol hopefuls?

Ouch! Boob-tube terror Traceless Turncoat is back and bitchier than ever! Only this time, her hurtful machinations or more inwardly turned. Wait until you hear what this broad does to look more voluptuous—haven't heard this kind of idiocy since Marlene Dietrich took a needle and thread to her forehead!

One Remove-With-Care Blind Vice

I Do, Now What?: Secrets, Stories, and Advice from a Madly-in-Love CoupleTraceless Turncoat, our ol' backstabbing TV babe, who's made quite the career outta selling out her boob-tube amigos (for cash and prizes, mind you) has been—horrors!—behaving herself, as of late. Too boring for words. But, wouldn't ya know it: Word got back to T.T. that her network's higher-ups were perfectly aware she'd turned herself into a Jackie Collins version of Benedict Arnold, and that she'd better cool it. That, she did.
That is until her glitzy place of employment began hiring much younger, prettier, more shapely things who just happened to have far more impressive cleavages than does our babe, Trace. Yikes! What's an averagely endowed, amoral, conniving, man-munching, nominally talented bitch to do? Surgery? Amazingly engineered push-up bras? Suicide?
Nope. But duct tape certainly seemed to be a viable option. So to the hardware store went Ms. T's horrified stylist, who didn't know whether to laugh, cry or get some spackle, too (T2's not quite as flawless as she used to be). See, Ms. T had a plan, and this is indeed what that poor stylin' worker bee has to put up with every day Traceless is glammed up for her TV show: They both go into T.T.'s private dressing room, and before the latest ta-tas-showing outfit is practically painted onto the girl's increasingly diminishing figure, the dresser wraps an entirely nude Turncoat's midsection in industrial-strength tape, winding up just underneath Ms. T's breasts, thereby turning her natural-born babies into Pam Anderson-style bazookas.
Get it? Duct tape, babes. Directly onto—and then off of, 'course—the vain honey's skin. Every damn day. Oh, and Trace is hardly subtle about the pain during the taking off process. Swears like...well, me.
And it ain't: Maria Menounos, Samantha Harris, Kelly Ripa

*** Here are the old Traceless Turncoat BVs...

Sept 2006 - One Badass-Babe Blind Vice
Traceless Turncoat is either getting sloppy or impressively gutsy, maybe a bit of both--as is often the case with very popular career gals 'n' guys.
T2, 'course, helps host a fairly popular TV offering. She has other correspondents who help her with her bubbly duties, but there's one talking head in particular who helps T.T. share and hone her hosting requirements in front of the camera.
Let's say this quasi-attractive head is, oh, Dorky Dingleberry--name's not really important. The vital thing to understand here is how much Trace-babe despises D.D. See, Traceless abhors the PR D. receives (on a not so regular basis, so you really can see how outta control Ms. T. happens to be), and she feels the producers of her little boob-tube offering pay way too much time to the D.D.-ster.
So, remember when I told you in our last Turncoat installment about how the TelePrompTer princess was peddling items on her myriad guests to gossip columns? Sometimes for cash?
Well, now Traceless is really upping the ante: She's including tacky little tidbits about her almost homely nemesis/colleague in the wares she offers.
Damn, bitch, you somethin'!
And it ain't: Diane Sawyer, Nancy Grace, Anderson Cooper

Aug 2006 - One Designing Woman Blind Vice
Princess Di's alive and well, did you know that?

Well, not in the too thin, decrowned bod of her actual self but rather in the too thin, media-crowned puss of a boob-tube correspondent over here in the States. How fab, right?

Not really, according to Traceless Turncoat's colleagues, who have been mowed down--right, left and dead-on center--by the skinny broad's ambitious climb up the proverbial little-screen ladder. Old story, right?

Well, not really. 'Cause two things are diff with this ambitious babe (who has a thing fer kank-ee nooky, I'm told):

1. T2 has not slept her way to the top, a fact Trace likes to claim is due to her moral fiber but which, in reality, some people know is due to the fact that Ms. T. strangely resembles something created by, say, Jim Henson, when you catch her in just the right light, without all the coiffure and makeup bells 'n' whistles.

2. Turncoat has a hotline to most every gossip rag--blog or otherwise--in the Biz, peddling her self-serving stories wherever she can find a gullible buyer.

Not that she pays cash, mind you. She serves up dish on her interview subjects--and even her colleagues. What an effin' immoral snake!

Oh, my. And folks at home in the ratings-powered hinterlands think Trace is just a sweet thang--and that her rise up the image-controlled ranks has been such the inspiration. Yeah, right.

If folks only knew she's been as downright dirty as the dudes.

And it ain't: Steven Cojocaru, Greta Von Sustern, Oprah Winfrey
*** Eliminated as Traceless Turnocoat as of 7/25/11: Oprah Winfrey, Greta Von Sustern, Steven Cojocaru, Ellen DeGeneres, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Mary Hart, Kristin Cavallari, Tyra Banks, Star Jones Reynolds, Katie Couric, Nancy O'Dell, Meredith Viera, Lara Spencer, Diane Sawyer, Nancy Grace, Anderson Cooper, Maria Menounos, Samantha Harris, Kelly Ripa, Paris Hilton.

*** CURRENT TOP SUSPECTS: Debbie Matenopolous, Giuliana DiPandi Rancic ***
(For both Traceless Turncoat and Dorky Dingleberry/ vice versa.)


blurry vice said...

I know for the last two TT BVs, the top guesses were Vanessa Minnillo, Debbie Matenopolous, and Guiliana Rancic (formerly DePandi). Kelly Ripa and Maria Menounos were guessed also, but now they have been eliminated. Any other thoughts?

Melissa said...

Gotta be Debbie Matenopolous for TT and Guiliana Rancic for DD. Debbie is aging and getting thinner and thinner and Guiliana is borderline fugly.

Ouch! Duct tape all over, everyday? She never seemed to bright...

sistah2 said...

what about Lara Spencer from the Insider?

sistah2 said...

sorry - just realized she was elim'd.

blurry vice said...

Pretty sure TT is Debbie Matenopolous, possibly Guiliana Rancic. Whichever one is TT, the other one is DD.

blurry vice said...

I forgot to add my other thought - that if TT is Debbie M., then my main guess for DD is Ryan Seacrest. There is no gender specified for DD.

Anonymous said...

Did you guys see Ted's mailbag today? Someone guessed Kristen (from E's Watch with Kristin) and he denied it was her. However he said that she was a lot "closer" of a guess than Nicollette Sheridan (both she and Katherine Heigel were eliminated for TT). I would say your guess of Debbie M for TT is spot-on!

blurry vice said...

Yeah I really think it is Debbie Matenopolous.

Here's the mailbag:
Not Kathering HEigl: Kath-babe’s got some serious probs (mainly smoking), but she’s clear in this case. Think slightly less (in?)famous.
(Note he didn't respond to the Teri Hatcher guess.)

blurry vice said...

Not Nicolette Sheridan: "Even though, perhaps, Nicky does need a tad of help with duct tape in the bod department, ain’t her. The correct desperation dame is considerably svelter."
Not Kristin from E: "no, my darling Ms. K here at the home corral ain’t the right booby babe. You’re closer than Nic Sheridan, though, that’s fer sure!"

Anonymous said...

I think Guiliana Rancic is TT and Ryan Seacrest is DD.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm a huge fan of your Blind Vices. Have any of your fellow E! employees ever been a Vice? (I'm talking hosts and presenters—not the "stars" of the reality shows E! churns out.)
—Victoria, Scotland

Dear Behind the Scenes Sleaze:
Yep, but it's not who you think."

blurry vice said...

not vanessa 11/22/10

"Dear Ted:
Let's talk happy engaged couples. Have either Vanessa Minnillo or Nick Lachey ever been a B.V.? And do you think they will make it to the altar, beyond and

produce some dimpled offspring?

Dear Newlyweds, Round 2:
No Vices here—both are way too boring for that. But yes, I think they'll definitely swap I do's; they've only been dating forever. The real question is who

will race to the altar first:, him or the former Mrs. Lachey."

- so this is not Vanessa, which leaves TT to be either Guiliana or Debbie.

Unknown said...

I think it's Debbie, because I like Rancic for the Cass Stimulatia blind

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I know this is an old one, but I think I have a question that might seal the identity of Traceless Turncoat. Does she have any kids?

Dear Old and Goodie:
Uh, not yet."

UMMMM... This does not help us out. Both of our top suspects do not have kids.

Anonymous said...

Ted's answer "um, not yet" makes me think its someone who will have kids soon. G.Rancic is famously trying to get pregnant. Maybe that's a hint in her direction. Dorky Dingleberry can't be Secrest since he's never had a BV, but has anyone noticed how nasty those two are to each other? They are both always getting in digs and little insults. Maybe GR spread some rumors about him too?

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Has Traceless Turncoat been divorced? What's she been up to lately?

Dear TV Sneak:
Almost, but not yet. Lots!"

Sarah said...

It sounded like Giuliana revealed herself on the season premiere of her reality show last night. When on the phone with her assistant in prep for her SAG award gig she instructed her to tell the stylist to make sure he brings along the electrical tape for her boobs.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Did Traceless Turncoat reveal herself on the season premiere of her cutesy reality show this week? She instructed her stylist to bring along the electrical tape to prepare her ta-tas for an awards show gig. If she is who I think she is, does her hubby know about her Vice? Something seems off with those two.

Dear Dunno:
Who are you talking about dear? It ain't Paris Hilton."

- was that you Sarah? LOL