Friday, May 1, 2009

One Deep Throat Blind Vice

New from Ted today:

One Deep Throat Blind Vice
Judas Jack-Off may not be Toothy Tile's only homo closeted contender for barely concealed, borderline same-sex man activity here in H-town. And I don't mean Crotch Uh-Lastic (who's getting a bit bored with all that water-sport play-acting, I hear).
Nope, I'm talkin' somebody else, somebody younger, somebody who's now a fabulous repeat Blind Vice offender! Do you remember...
Crescent Kumquat, the absolutely beautiful dude whose sexuality seems to be as up in the air as is his career?
See, last time we met C.K., the mainstream hottie had a dirty little habit of waking up after nights out in his male "friends' " beds, instead of with the girls he would occasionally bring home. But we never heard of much more than just some heavy petting going on—cuddling, spooning, real Taylor Lautner kinda stuff—which you can usually blame on the alc.
Well, Kumquat has taken it to the next level. Good bad boy!
Very PG folks, but telling nonetheless. C.K. has been caught getting hot and heavy, jamming his tongue down—way, way down—myriad willing dude's throat around when he parties privately. And I don't mean the bedroom, either. Out in the open, in the friggin' living, dining and family rooms of these get-togethers!
That said, C.K.'s no John Mayer and out in the open bout it (relatively speaking). Cres-babe's still in the "experimental phase," I'm told, and he's attempting to keep it all at least somewhat private, but we know where this kinda secret-party fooling around usually leads. To this very blolumn for more installments!
Also, an important thing to note is that C.K. isn't publicly playing the bearded card (like most of this closeted celeb group does). We hardly ever see this amazingly pretty guy with girls. Like ever. And it's superweird, too, 'cause Kum could have loads of babes with his heartthrob status rising—or leveled out, at least.
If Crescent's mediocre talent and hot looks keep getting him better gigs, we bet a fauxmance will follow, no question.
And it ain't: John Mayer, Corbin Bleu, Taylor Kitsch

* Here is a link to the previous Crescent Kumquat blind vice from Jan '09, including a full list of everyone eliminated. And here is the link to the third CK BV from January 2010.  And here is the fourth, and here's the fifth, CK BV from April 2010.  Also here is the sixth, most recent CK BV from May 2010.


* Chace Crawford is still our top guess!

8 comments:

Amy said...

If his blind items aren't about a closeted gay, they're Twilight-based. Boring.

anony-2 said...

May 18

Dear Ted:
I'm a newbie, so pardon me for not knowing the slang. But what is a Crescent Kumquat? Where do I go for your lingo?
—Sandysmom

Dear Virginal:
Crescent Kumquat would be the pseudonym for a certain young actor who is doing naughty things, but we cannot legally tell you about his indiscretions. They're with a another guy. They both have terrific hair and careers.

Lissette said...

Chase Crawford....
Sound it out...
C---
Cr - sounds like K

Novia said...

Dear Ted:
Please tell me Crawley McNugget isn't Chace Crawford. I don't need to know who it is, just that it isn't Chace!
—Baba O'Riley

Dear Don't Worry:
Of course it's not Chace. But Crawford is a whole other dee-lish item on his own.
----

Chace Crawford confirmed as a blind vice! He pretty much has to be Crescent Kumquat, no?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Please tell me Crawley McNugget isn't Chace Crawford. I don't need to know who it is, just that it isn't Chace!
—Baba O'Riley

Dear Don't Worry:
Of course it's not Chace. But Crawford is a whole other dee-lish item on his own."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Leona Lewis is blabbing to the British tabloids that she turned down a kiss from Chace Crawford (who was in one of her music videos). Does she know something we don't?
—M

Dear Interesting:
Or does she knows something we do, too?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
My partner and I have three rescue dogs and have supported a local organization! Please, please answer my questions! I love your column and follow it every day! Here's what I'm wondering. As it concerns stars and their sexuality, I see three categories: (1) Celebrities who are out and proud, i.e. Neil Patrick Harris, Lance Bass, etc.; (2) Celebrities who are out, but don't publicly proclaim it to the press, and can be discovered by any amateur Googler; and (3) Celebrities who are deep in the closet and often participate in the "bearding program." Are most of the Blind Vices in category 3? For instance, if Toothy Tile (and most of the gay or bisexual Blind Vicers) came out, would you go back and tell us that said actor was Toothy Tile all along? Also, specifically about Parrish Maguire, Jackie Bouffant, and Crescent Kumquat—what age bracket do they fall into, 20s, 30s, 40s? Thank you so muc,h Ted, and I hope you answer my questions!
—Brian

Dear Categories:
Right-o, most of the B.V.s are from the deep-in-the-closet variety. As for the B.V.s you named—they definitely cover a couple of the age groups you named, and then some."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Chace Crawford, Matt Bomer, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki...I just realized that all those hotties are Texans! Do all these studs have anything else in common?
—Strike

Dear Lone Star Studs:
Besides the fact that they're all sexy? I can think of a thing or two."

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