Sunday, May 31, 2009

One Total Femme-Faker Blind Vice

Hayden Panettiere 24X36 Poster #10From Friday May 29 -

One Total Femme-Faker Blind Vice
No kinky homo lovin' in this week's Blind, either, folks, just some straight-up hetero debauchery! Does that make you happy or sad? Relieved, regardless, I'm sure. Anyways, guess all the gays were too busy protesting this week (or hiding indoors lest they come across as too sympathetic to the cause—we know we didn't see Toothy out and about holding a sign in WeHo!). So, that leaves us with Dominique (Dommy) Do-Rightly, rising star.
See, Dom's a ton more popular on the small screen than on the big one—tho for some silly reason she keeps desperately trying to make the film thing work. But Dommy's still managed to rack up a ridiculous amount of fans, all who think she's just so ├╝ber-cute and cuddly, like a posh stuffed teddy bear.
But would they still fawn over her so much if they knew their darling 'n' wholesome girl's one freaky wild party animal? We know we'd like her a whole lot more if she just fessed up to it!
Ms. Do-Rightly likes the public to think she's all about goin' organic, living healthy, saving the world and being an all-around sweetie-pie. Make me puke right now. Ugh.
I never bought that faux persona on this stink-eyed star, but I'm used to celebs totally lying about who they are! Those who know Dommy personally can't stand how stuck-up the bitchy babe is. She often refuses to promote her latest flicks as much as she's told, leaving all the legwork to her second billed, bitter costars.
No one can friggin' put up with the diva's demands anymore—that is, of course, except other divas! DDR is spending more and more time with skanky H'wood regulars—privately, at house parties, since public outings together would be oh so disastrous to Dom's clean-cut image.
At one such recent drug-infested fete, DDR boozed-and-bashed till all hours of the morning, blasting party energy up her nose and wrapping her legs, tongues, what have ya around dudes left and right, using the hostess's totally expensive living room couch to show off her moves (not like that sofa hasn't been tarnished enough with party germs already). And this was milliseconds after splitting with her last famous man! Guess that explains who did the dumping in that doomed relaysh.
Hey, got an idea! Maybe Dommy oughta bring her slutty ways out of hiding—look how much press Paris gets! And she gets whole damn perfume lines, too! What does Dommy have? A few politically correct endorsements here and there—and we sure know that ain't enough headline attention for a naughty nose-candy princess like DDR!
And it ain't: Amber Tamblyn, Blake Lively, Miley Cyrus
Update 7/8/09 - Ted has eliminated: Katherine Heigl, Sophia Bush, Chelsea Handler, Amber Tamblyn, Blake Lively, Miley Cyrus, Ana Paquin, Lauren Conrad, AnnaLynne McCord, Paris Hilton, Jennifer Aniston, Amanda Bynes.

* Top guess: Hayden Panetierre.

Here is a link to the second (more recent) Dommy Blind Vice.


blurry vice said...

Hayden Panty-Hair fer sure.

Unknown said...

Yes for sure! What ever happened to her save the dolphins thing?

sistah2 said...

What films has she been in that she has not promoted?

Unknown said...

I want to say Hayden on this one as well, but the AIAs are really throwing me.

Barton Fink said...

What films has Hayden been in? I don't know how this skeez got so popular anyway.

The Eye of the Dawn said...

Kristen Bell!!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I do love your blog, I read it every day, and I love the Blind Vices, so I was wondering, is Dommy Do Right Katherine Heigl and is Toothy T.R. Knight?
—R. Castela

Dear Way Off:
Sorry, but T.R. is out of the closet, so he can't be Toothy! As for Kath, right hair color, but wrong bad 'tude gal."

blurry vice said...

""I've worked with Miley before, and I think she's amazingly talented. I've seen a lot of girls come in and screen test, but I haven't seen Miley audition…yet."

—Footloose director Kenny Ortega on those whispers that Miley Cyrus will be Chace Crawford's leading lady in the remake. That doesn't make us too sad. We feel a bit on Disney overload, so we'd love to see it go to Dancing With the Stars cutie Julianne Hough. Just please not Hayden Panettiere. That girl brings nothing to the table."

duffgrl said...

I agree...Hayden P.- I've heard some of these things about her before.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Dommy Do-Rightly Sophia Bush?

Dear Not Quite:
Totally close in the "I know you're really a bitch but you try to be nice" kind of way. But wrong hair color."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Dommy Do Right Chelsea Handler?

Dear Hell No:
Uh, no. And just what about our gal Chels makes you think she is appropriate to begin with?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I want to tell you that you are loved overseas! But since you started with all the Twilight hype, I'm getting a little bit bored, though I'm faithful to you everyday. So I have two questions: First, could you stop with the Twilight hype for a while? Not completely, of course, but write about some other celebs! Second, is Dommy Do-Rightly Paris Hilton? Blond girl, her "show," movies, splitting with Doug and hooking up with Cristiano Ronaldo. She seems really close to your description!

Dear Blondes Have More Fun:
Pare-poo has the same vices as Dommy in real life, but P.H. is a different Blind Vice altogether. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Dommy-Do Rightly Amanda Bynes? I've thought so since you first mentioned her. Is Toothy Owen Wilson? BTW love your columns. I read them on my cell when I can't sleep at night.

Dear 0 for 2:
Sorry darling, better guessin' next time! Uh, think less fake butch, for sure. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I love your blog and as a 17-year-old, die-hard Twilight-obsessed freak, I love your Robsten updates. Surprisingly my question has nothing to do with Robsten. Has Hayden Panettiere ever been a Blind Vice? If so, I know exactly which one.
—Pink Tweet

Dear Give Me a Harder One:
Oh, do you? Well, then, I guess you don't need me to tell you Hayden most certainly has been the subject of a Vice—or two."

blurry vice said...

Hayden made it to Ted's Blind Vice Superstar Gallery - here is the hint:

"Hayden Panettiere

Hay's young, pretty and into older dudes and tattoos. She's certainly got a lot to hide—but for how long? Especially with her well-known public party skills."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What is the dirt on Hayden Panettiere? Or is she really as good as she'd like us to believe?

Dear No Good Girl Here:
Uh, she's bitchy to the press, her fans and her boyfriends. What exactly is she trying to make you believe?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I live in Ann Arbor, Mich., and saw David Arquette and Hayden Panettiere tonight. David could not have been a bigger sweetheart; however, his costar Hayden could take a few lessons from him. Is she really as stuck up as she came across?

Dear Haytin' on Hayden:
Oh, you better believe it, allegedly. She's really a nasty little thing, allegedly. And I'm not exactly covering my ass from legal, allegedly."