Friday, September 25, 2009

Blind Vice: A Truly Desperate Housewife

From Ted today:

Blind Vice: A Truly Desperate Housewife

No, this isn't the soapy made-up stuff on ABC. This is real-life desperation, babes, Hollywood-style!
There's an aging celeb couple in town who have been pretty damn lucky with their love life, for many years. Sure, they've had their ups and downs (both professionally and personally), but Perka Penis-Player and Schlamm Butt-Wiggle have still managed to stick it out for the tabloid-headlined long haul—miraculously so.
Everybody said they wouldn't make it. But so far, they have—at least for appearance's sake.
Maybe that's because Perka's a broad who's willing to do whatever it takes (in her rather sex-kitten-ish, stereotyped eyes) to hold onto her still-doable guy, despite the fact that his very nice ass has dropped as much as his box-office appeal these days. So what does "whatever it takes" require Perka to engage in? Plastic surgery, perhaps? Oh gawd, that was years ago.
No, now it's time for crafty Ms. Penis-Player to move on the next part of her bod that needs lifting. Can you guess what it is? Ass or eyes, you ask?
Wrong! Her hands! OMG, what will these Frankenstein Beverly Hills plastic surgeons think of next! Is a knee lift next? Don't tell me: It probably already exists.
Nevertheless, it's Perka who's now gone through the recent and incredibly weird process of having her hands lifted, as if that's the part of her anatomy that's gonna get Schlamm's schlong in gear. Maybe it will—I don't know what the hell makes people hot for each other, anymore.
But dare I say it's all a waste of time? You see, as of late, Schlamm's own digits are notorious for touching everything but that Penis-Player he's been shackin' up with for eons.
Why do couples go on like this? Just call it a day and go screw who you like, already!


And It Ain't: Lisa Rinna & Harry Hamlin, Rita Wilson & Tom Hanks, Calista Flockhart & Harrison Ford

Update 9/29/09 - Ted has also eliminated Kyra Sedgwick & Kevin Bacon


Guesses????

* Update 10/2/09 - Ted hints that this may be about Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn
* Other top suspects as of 12/27/09 - Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins

32 comments:

duffgrl said...

My first thought: Warren Beatty and Annette Bening. There have been many rumors about him in the past few years, that he has been w/ both men and women. I think there may have been another blind about them even(?)- not from Ted though-I'll have to check back.

125records said...

The wording seems to imply that the couple is not married -- "shackin' up." Made me think of Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins... but I truly hope it's not them! I can't see Susan getting a hand-lift!

Jillian said...

My first thoughts were of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. I can't remember if they ever got married though.

P.M. said...

It's someone who was a controversial couple. Probably not Goldie and Kurt. No one thought they wouldn't make it, people were happy they got together. I thought of Warren Beatty and Annette Benning too. Someone suggested they're not married but all the and it aints are married (except Ford and Flockhart) and the title says "Desperate Housewife" so it could be them I guess. Though Ted does make it sound like they're not :/ But Beatty was notorious with the ladies so that was why no one thought it would last.

Mena said...

It's Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon.

House of Brat said...

What about Melanie & Antonio? She has always seemed rather desperate to keep him.

Dot said...

SJP and Matthew Broderick? although it seems too obvious because she's famous for her old lady hands...

The Spie said...

Since CZJ just hit the Big Four-Oh, maybe that would put her and Michael Douglas into the "aging couple" category. She's definitely the type to have plastic surgery on her hands. My only problem with the guess is that the male in question has "lately" been fooling around, and we all know Douglas' past when it comes to the ladies. Hell, I'll throw it out there anyway.

P.M. said...

I think the key is Ted has in italics "Everyone" when referring to the people who didn't think it would last. I think thats a big clue. Who had an reservations about SJP and MB? It could be someone like CZJ and MD, but MD is hardly still humpable. And I don't think people had doubt about Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins is a good guess because of the age difference. The only couple I can think of that people were really confused about was Warren Beatty and Annette Bening because Beatty was a REAL ladies man. I think it comes down to those two personally, Beatty and Bening or Robbins and Sarandon. However the title "Desperate Housewife" leads me to lean more toward Beatty and Bening.

sistah2 said...

It sounds like Melanie and Antonio. Although, you'd think Ted would reference her recent rehab. - or maybe not, too obvious of a hint.

Kimber said...

The one couple who seems to have been happily happy for "many years" as Ted says is Goldie and Kurt. Goldie used to pardon Kurt's wandering, saying men weren't wired to have just one woman -- and there was a lot of news about him cheating years ago. But I'm wondering if maybe she's a little tired of it now. I like the Annette/Warren guess, too.

Derelict Diva said...

Courtney Cox and David Arquette? Notice how Ted put hyphens in the names

Denise said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Denise said...

It has to be Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith.

blurry vice said...

I think it's Goldie and Kurt!

andrea said...

Could this be Jessica Lang and Sam Shepard? I saw picture where Jessica was holding her emmy and her hands looked awful. I don't usually notice that sort of thing, but they looked that bad.

Nicole said...

Antonio and Melanie. Ages back there was alot of talk about how she got constant face lifts to make herself more appealing to Antonio.

blurry vice said...

But Antonio and Melanie were confirmed as past bv subjects in the past already. Can't be them.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
OK, I think I finally got a Blind Vice! Perka and Schlamm are Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon....am I right?
—Terri, Ontario

Dear No Cigar:
Sorry, babe, oh so wrong! Think far less interested in actual acting."

blurry vice said...

Up for debate:

Ted has said that Melanie and Antonio have been in a blind vice, where she made a statue of his penis. We have been unable to locate that blind vice and track down the names.

Do you think that they count among the list of those revealed? As far as I was concerened when I read it, I considered that a hint. Not a reveal, but a hint. But now a bunch of people think Antonio and Melanie are a new BV, so I am wondering if they fit in the loophole of those that have been revealed.

Discuss!

literal_chaos said...

Today in the BB I had a feeling he was basically admitting that this BV belonged to Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell? At least thats what I'm THINKING lol, since Ted's replies are damn near impossible to decipher sometimes...


Dear Ted:
Perka Penis-Player & Schlamm Butt-Wiggle are Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, aren't they? Why even make it a Blind Vice? Now, if they were both sleeping with the same pool boy then that would be something...Have you come up with anything else besides cigarettes yet to satisfy your oral fixation?
—Imqaatem

Dear Not So Golden:
I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate my love for the always vampin' Goldie. And no, not till I hit Vancouver.
____________________________

Not sure if that's him basically spelling it out for us or not. In my mind, it's him saying "yes" without a "yes". Plus he kind of answers the "why even make it a blind vice" question by letting her poster know he has a love for Goldie and doesn't want to tarnish is by blatantly putting it out there... just my take :)

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Perka Penis-Player & Schlamm Butt-Wiggle are Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, aren't they? Why even make it a Blind Vice? Now, if they were both sleeping with the same pool boy then that would be something...Have you come up with anything else besides cigarettes yet to satisfy your oral fixation?
—Imqaatem

Dear Not So Golden:
I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate my love for the always vampin' Goldie. And no, not till I hit Vancouver."

Yes I think this was a semi-reveal.

WBotW said...

Absolutely

Anonymous said...

Kurt and Goldie. They are doing everying to excite each other and do what ever it takes. I don't blame them. if had their money' i would do the same.

duffgrl said...

In light of recent news that Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins split...is this about them????????

ellelle26 said...

I have to agree with duffgrl...sounds like it was them.

blurry vice said...

Yes... I am adding them to the label since they are prime suspects now in light of their breakup. In my opinion Ted's answer to the Goldie and Kurt question, however, is still suspicious for them too.

sistah2 said...

I still think Goldie & Kurt. Ted said that this couple recently "is far less interested in actual acting" .... TR and SS are serious actors... both have won Oscars. G&K have not really acted in years.

Anonymous said...

My initial thought was of course Goldie and Kurt b/c how many Hollywood couples make it as long as they have? Not many...I just am sad to think that KR would be cheating on GH and that she'd feel the need to get hand surgery...I also was thinking Melanie and Antonio and had it not said the couple had been together for eons I might of thought Demi and Ashton, b/c we all know she's had tons of plastic surgery...

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Are you surprised with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins' breakup? They seemed solid.
—Mary

Dear Sorry, But…
I wasn't exactly surprised."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Can you please give a hint as to which B.V. Reese Witherspoon has been the star of? I know it can't be a major hint....but just a little one...? And what's the deal with Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon splitting up?
—JK

Dear Love Is Blind:
Reese has been in a B.V. more than once. As for Tim and Susan…if Gyllenspoon can split, then anything is possible, right?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Did Kelsey Grammer's recent divorce from his wife have anything to do with her joining the cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I can't believe he was supportive, or happy, about this blatant act of fame whoring. She always did seem to want the spotlight, such as butting into interviews on the Emmy red carpet when she should have just been standing there with her mouth shut and a smile on her face. Her appearance on this reality show just seems like her last ditch effort to ride Kelsey's coattails into fame. Got any inside info?
—JR

Dear Real Househusbands:
I'm sure it didn't help, but that's definitely not the duo's only problem."


Kelsey Grammer and wife???

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