Friday, September 11, 2009

Blind Vice: Topher Hairy-Tuchus Gets Caught in Bed!

New BV from Ted today -

Blind Vice: Topher Hairy-Tuchus Gets Caught in Bed!

We're just crazy for debauchery here at Blind Vice central! On top of our fab 'n' fierce Blind Vice Superstars gallery, we've got another Blind first today: a Vice candidate appearing two weeks in a row!
Now, last week's inaugural Blind Vice about Topher Hairy-Tuchus brought all kinds of hilarious reactions, my personal fave being a comment from hmmm (could you get a little more original with your moniker, bitch?) who stated: "Sorry but this sounds made up..Ted printed an email the other day that complained how boring the straight Blind Vices are and he needs more gay ones, all of a sudden all of these gay Blind Vices happen to be appearing."
Are you for real, "hmmm"? A.T. is usually all about the closeted gay dudes, and besides, not only do we never make this naughty stuff up (ever) we've since heard back about Topher's earlier life, back when he was married.
Turns out he likes to take chances, just like he did with that anonymous Internet dude he tried to have sex with through a sheet. So when Hairy-Tuchus had a female spouse, he had the nerve to...
Bring a guy back to his house and get down to it on the bedroom he shared with his wife! Too bad they don't put in anything about protecting the sanctity of the marriage bed in those vows, huh? And, as soon as hot Hairy and his hunky minuteman were about to complete the manly act, guess who walks in on him?
Yep, the missus. To say she was pissed is to say I'm hot for Robsten. But it also explains a few things:
If anybody's caught on recently why Hairy's fake relationships with various starlets these days is so upsetting his ex, this is most likely one of chief reasons why. He can prance out ersatz honeys for camera, but not her? Yep, apparently it's an utter impossibility for Topher to be under-the-radar cool like Crotch Uh-Lastic or even the recently whipped Toothy Tile. He can't keep the fact that he likes dude somewhat discreet (as long as he's choosing to stay in the closet), he just has to—as usual—take chances and parade all kinds of risk-taking measures for many to see.
Gambling guy, this one is, for sure.
Oh, and another thing: THT's dangerous man-activities are not only well known in many professional circles, these antics are now ripping through the hallways of Hairy-Tuchus' agency with a force he'd be smart to try and cool down.
But how boring would that be?
And it ain't: Will Smith, Tom Cruise, George Clooney

Here is the link to last week's Topher Hairy Tuchus Blind Vice including a full list of those who have been eliminated.

Top suspect:


lucyinthesky said...

I don't know...
John Stamos maybe

Brittany said...

This is Bradley Cooper. His appearance in a previous blind was Cameron Diazs and he wasn't even given a real nickname. Plus hes been married before. So far the clues given seem to fit.

Justin Credible said...

Ted keeps dropping "toothy" hints on his twitter. Says he has a devilish Toothy grin. tweated something else today.

I think Ted would have done an item on Cooper earlier and this guy seems out of the blue. I thought Cooper was an open secret for years

duffgrl said...

This one does sound more like Bradley Cooper than last week's. Especially when talking about the ex-wife, Jennifer Esposito. I remember reading she was at the same premiere w/ BC and (I think) Jennifer Aniston and JE was said to be angry/upset...also the "various starlets" would seem to fit him.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Can't be Cooper. He was outted as a blind vice before this one was written.

*Bradley Cooper (as of Feb '09 and as of 9/5/09, 9/11/09)

And all the and it ain'ts are from super movie franchises

Star Trek
Harry Potter
Mission Impossible

I think that's a clue and I don't think Bradleys been a part of a megafranchise comparable to any of those.

Unknown said...

So a previously married, probably hairy actor that's part of a movie megafranchise and who's really desirable.....hhmmmmmm

Probably older too since he's been married.

Harrison Ford (Indy)
Daniel Craig (Bond)

Thought of Depp, but I think he'd be more obvious

Just bored :P

duffgrl said...

Could this be SEAN PENN or Mel Gibson???

Unknown said...

Mel Gibson is good. However maybe someone less established? After I reread the blind it said that "these antics are NOW ripping through the hallways of HTs' agency..." So it might be an older star who's up and coming. If he is so daring about it, it probably would have been well known ages ago if it was an established actor like Mel.

so I'm thinking
part of a franchise
older (maybe 30's 40's)
relatively? new on the scene
kinda hairy?

I'm still stickin with Daniel Craig..but I could be wrong! Just can't think of anyone else!

duffgrl said...

I don't see it being Daniel Craig-he has been in a long-term serious relationship and isn't parading starlets around.
I think the "now ripping" comment referred to THT lately not being so careful about his discretions(?)-
The part about the angry ex made me think it was Sean Penn or Mel Gibson.

The Spie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Spie said...

Sorry, deleted post was mine. I had a brainstorm and guessed Ryan Reynolds, based on Ted's statement that Topher wasn't part of a franchise, "not yet" (which Reynolds will be once Green Lantern comes out). I missed Ted's line about Topher tooling around with starlets. The ex-wife part I could have rationalized by saying that there were rumors that Ryan and Alanis married in secret like Ryan and ScarJo did, but I can't explain away that line.

So, best to delete before the knives come out, methinks.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Topher Hairy-Tuchus is Adrian Grenier, right? I've seen the pics of his hairy tush making the blog rounds lately. Plus, he's always given me a gay vibe!

Dear Wrong Tush:
Ugh, staring at the hair on top of A.G.'s head gives me a migraine. Can't imagine staring at the patch on his ass. Think a bigger name on the big-screen than Ad, who only plays a big movie star on TV."

duffgrl said...

This is someone w/ an ex-wife who is a big name and is probably not married now. I really think it could be Mel or Sean. I don't think Sean penn has been a blind item yet(shocker)

Unknown said...

I thought Sean was Schlong Fenn? And I thought he was confirmed as one. I was thinking Mel too until Ted said THT hasn't been part of a big movie franchise (Lethal Weapon, Mad Max)

And yea, I thought of Ryan Reynolds too. But I don't think he's been married.

And duff is right, probably not Daniel. Ted does kinda hint that he might have his way with the ladies in public. I think that being signed on to, or about to be part of a franchise is the right way to think.

M said...

And Ryan Reynolds was part of Wolverine franchise, he's getting his own spin off for Dead Pool

The Spie said...

I was thinking about the John Stamos guess, and something hit me: could the AIAs be pointing toward the ex-wife rather than Topher? Stamos hasn't been part of a movie franchise, but his ex-wife has (X-Men).

However, I seem to remember a comment by Ted a while back regarding the Stamos/Romijn break-up, something about Stamos not leaving her for another man. That implies that he left her, which would be the opposite of the Topher situation, and that he is either straight or so down-low that it never occurred to Ted that me might be getting man-nooky. I'll be damned if I know which blind it was in response to (I think it was one where Stamos was guessed as a clue to a gay blind...yeah, that really trims it down with Ted, I know), but I distinctly remember reading it.

The Spie said...

Okay, I'm stupid. I should have known it was a Toothy elimination, and it was an early May elimination posted by Blurry:

"Dear Ted:
I'm kind of new to the Blind Vices, but I can't help but think that Toothy Tile is John Stamos. Am I close?
—The Doctor Is Out?

Dear Gaymos:
Rebecca's ex-hubby didn't leave her for a guy."

Yep, that pretty much directly states that Stamos left Romijn. Unless Ted found out something different since May, that would probably eliminate Stamos as Topher.

EmmyC said...

I agree this is so Bradley Cooper. I always get a gay vibe from him and he seems cold. It also would fit perfectly with how quickly his marriage ended with Jennifer E she definately caught him doing something. So unless he's ruled out there is no doubt in my mind on this one.

duffgrl said...

Emmy-read posts from 9/12 and 9/13- Bradley Cooper seemed to fit but P.M. is right, Ted said he's been a blind vice before.

blurry vice said...

I'm really liking the John Stamos guess.

Unknown said...

i always thought topher might be zachary quinto since he starred in Star Trek over the summer.

Anonymous said...

The vice says something along the lines of topher being a gambling guy which indicates Bradley cooper because of the hangover being set in Vegas.

Anonymous said...

Well it definitely can't be John Stamos. In just a few comments above, there is a Bitch-Back question where Ted answers that Topher is more of a big name in films, not on television. John Stamos is definitely more known for his tv work (Full House, ER). I can't think of a single movie he's ever been in actually.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
My sister and I rescued an adorable dog that was left abandoned on the side of a freeway in a box. Can you give us a clue on who Topher Hairy Tuchus is?

Dear Sweetheart:
Yep, Topher's been out with a dog recently, too."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Do you think Topher Hairy-Tuchus will ever come out?
—KH Bunny

Dear And I'll Go Straight:

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Any news on my favorite Blind Vice, Topher Hairy-Tuchas?

Dear No:
He's total boresville lately. C'mon, Topher, spice things up! Get outta that loser fake romance and go back to your fabulously slutty ways!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What's Topher Hairy-Tuchus been up to? How is his career going? Is he still up to his dirty, dirty and no-so-secretive ways, or is he laying low (or maybe spending time with a possible beard)?

Dear Hairy Assed:
Toph has been laying fairly low on both accounts, career and romance, which is surprising, seeing as he was the biggest name in the Biz for a second. I have no doubt he'll be back on top in a minute though."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
My question is about Topher Hairy Tuchas. He currently has a beard with some baggage of her own. Is she a Blind Vice, and could you give some details on their relationship? Are they just good friends, or is he actually having a sexual relationship with her? She is always with him even while he is filming on location.
—Phreezing in Philly

Dear Cold Front:
Someone seems pretty confident over there. Topher's beard hasn't starred in her own Vice, but she's certainly been a sidekick in a few. Believe you me, their bed is icier than Tuchas' lady."

KaDixonLaw said...

The "ivy" mention in the first blind could be a big clue that this is Bradley Cooper. He graduated from Georgetown in '93.


blurry vice said...

I know, I am aware that all clues hint towards Bradley Cooper for this. I agree with that. However, Ted said that he was a "delish goody baddy" BV in July 2009 before he ever wrote about Topher Hairy Tuchus.

Unknown said...

right, and Ted also said in the first blind that Topher has been in a blind as a supporting player... so that seals it for me, also Ted said in recent BB that Bradley's involved craigslist. I cant think of any other blind vice that involves the computer

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What's up with one of my fave B.V.'s Strippa Rip-Ya? Seems to me that another whose moniker I have yet to settle on is pursuing Strippa, so I gotta ask—what's up with that? Strippa certainly wouldn't deem to be a beard would she? Is the one whose moniker I have yet to uncover really that desperate for press and why would Strippa "allow" such an obvious use of her bigger spotlight? Doesn't seem she has much to gain. In my eyes he's so B-list to her A


Dear Safe Bet:
No, Strippa wouldn't deem to be a beard—ever—but she is looking for someone safe after being in such an abusive relaysh. Don't forget that (very important). Who cares if the dude is B-list or a little less-than-straight? Strippa's only concern is a gentleman who isn't going to hurt her—for now.

Dear Ted:
So what's new with Topher Hairy-Tuchus? Is he still trolling the internet for closeted flings, or is he back in the (safe) arms of yet another beard? Or both, perhaps? Do give us an update on this!

Dear Jenny:
Toph's dull as crap these days, i.e., back with yet another beard."