Friday, October 2, 2009

Blind Vice: Toothy Trading Coke For Cracking Up?

New from Ted today-

Jake Gyllenhaal 2011 CalendarBlind Vice: Toothy Trading Coke For Cracking Up?

This is not a joke: Poor closeted movie star Toothy Tile, last caught pitifully fooling around with blow and broads, is more recently causing his friends to worry something fierce about his head.
And I don't mean the kind he prefers getting in West Hollywood parking lots.
As our beloved Mr. T's same-sex desires (and née partnership) have been cast as far back in the closet as Kevin Spacey appears to be, Toothy's extremely tight band of friends are fretting for the fella's emotional well-being?and rightfully so.
"We're wondering when he's going to crack," said one of the slightly lesser-inside chums to the notoriously private actor. "I keep hearing from everybody else that he's about to pop, but it's weird, whenever I see him, he acts like everything's cool. I think he only shows that side of himself to a couple of people."
And those people are telling other people who are telling me:
Toothy's current and arranged girlfriend is starting to "really get on his nerves," particularly when she cleans up after Toothy, who's apparently a bit of a clumsy eater.
Toothy's getting fed up with having to keep his (currently reinvented) relationship with Grey Goose in the dark and is threatening his publicists and hangers-on with outing both himself and Grey, which would then, ironically, ruin Grey's own beard relationship, not that anybody really cares, so never mind.
Toothy's been heard complaining to his advisers that the Biz angle they've chosen for him is not exactly panning out, so "what has it been for?," as Toothy has cried.
Toothy's so frustrated by being a nonperson, as it were (and how he deems it, quite unlike many other fellow Hollywood celebs who are perfectly happy to sell their empty souls to the tabloid devil), he's become unnaturally obsessed with his abs, a subject years prior, when he was happier with Grey, he didn't give an ef about.
Toothy, Toothy, Toothy!
Please give up this hideous fake life while you can?and before you turn into one of these six-packed prima donnas who have about as much to say in life as does Kristin Cavallari. We know the real Toothy's dying to come out.
Let him!
(Hey, Neil Patrick Harris still has an OK gig, ya know).

It Ain't: Kevin Spacey, Bradley Cooper, Robert Pattinson

I think we all know who it is....


duffgrl said...

If anyone needs an update...
Toothy: Jake G
Beard of Toothy: Reese
Grey Goose: Austin Nichols
Beard of GG: Sophia Bush

Let's guess said...

Tooth: Jakey
Beard of Tooth: Reese
Grey: Austin or Hayden Christensen
Beard of GG: Sophia or Rachel Bilson.

Not sure if HC has been eliminated as GG-hope someone can answer, if so duffgrl would be on the mark.

sistah2 said...

Wow! that's a shame he is so tortured. I'd be happy to see toothy do a 20/20 interview and put all this H.wood BS to rest. He could do an expose on all these arranged relationships. Also, it would be great to see him throw Reese under the bus for being so fake.

Matan4il said...

"Also, it would be great to see him throw Reese under the bus for being so fake."
I have to admit, I'd enjoy that greatly.

Ever wonder, though, if the whole Toothy Tile business is helping Jake G come out faster or only slows him down? I'd hate to think the latter is true, especially if Jake is feeling the stress so badly.

blurry vice said...

Gray Goose is Austin Nichols. It's not really up for debate anymore. See our labels along the right had side of your screen.

Let's guess said...

Thx for that blurry vice, wish I could find the links that are about Hayden.

Kevin said...

It's gotta be Jonathan Bennett. That Kristin comment was a hint. She did a movie with him and sorta outed him without saying his name. He is always seen working on his abs in photos. I would love for it to be Jake but I think it's Jonathan after reading this.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Love all that you do for animal shelters! Keep it up. I have a question about Jake Gyllenhaal. We know that he is a Blind Vice, but what I can't put my finger on is whether or not you like/respect him. What are your personal feelings about him? Good guy or do his hidden Vices make you dislike him?

Dear Boringhaal:
It's hard for me to respect Jake when I suspect he doesn't much respect himself right now. Wow, that was deep, huh?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted
You said once that Toothy Tile is bisexual and loved his ex-GF. Why then does he need a beard and can't just say he's focusing on his career and that's why he's not dating if he wants to keep his current BF a secret?

Dear Good Question:
Because then people would forget about him, and that would ultimately hurt his career. Right now, his beard keeps him relevant."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Writing to you here from Ireland. Thank you for filling us in here on all the real gossip in L.A. OK, one quick question, something seems very wrong with Jake Gyllenhall being with Reese Witherspoon.

Dear Loaded Question:
What about Gyllenspoon rubs you the wrong way? I'd love to hear it."

Anonymous said...

why doesn;t jake come out of the closet! It's not so bad. We know Austin is his beard, so this is the 21st century. Nothing is secret any more. Nothing to be ashamed of.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What ever happened to the Lance Armstrong, Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey bicycling group? Was one of the trio not manly enough?

Dear The Three Amigos:
Which one, babe? Jake and Matt's time right now is clearly all taken up by their gals and kids. They're both on tight leashes. Not to worry, though, they still bike 'n' sweat together, just not as often as we'd like to see. And Lance gets in on the buddy action, too, just not as much now that he's rethinking running for political office."

blurry vice said...

What about Grey Goose?

"Dear Ted:
I've had this question for quite some time: Do you think Toothy Tile and his beard have or have ever had an intimate relationship? If not, does this mean Toothy has been abstinent for the past few years? That doesn't sound fun at all! Or very realistic.

Dear Remember:
Toothy has been with girls. Just don't believe he and the Missus Beard are intimate all that much."

sistah2 said...

Jeez, Ted seems to know tooo much information re: Toothy. Really its kind of creepy, even if he's making it up.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
If Toothy Tile is really in such turmoil about his sexuality/beard relationship/Hollywood pressure/Grey Goose love affair, he seems to be hiding it rather well. Is he truly a liar and a coward, Ted? I am asking because I do believe I've guessed his identity, and if it is the person I am speaking of, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for this person, who seems such an otherwise good-hearted fellow. Please don't be coy and tease with lines like "Well I don't know, who do you think he is?" my dear. And also, does his family know about Grey Goose?

Dear No Teasing, Please:
I'm kinda crushed, too, so that makes two of us. And, yes, very much so."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Am I the only one who sees this Jake Gyllenhaal-Reese Witherspoon breakup thing as a way to get some publicity? Doesn't he have a whole slew of movies coming out soon? Maybe I'm too cynical for a 19-year-old; it just seems a little suspicious to me. Hit me back, you sexy bitch!

Dear Opposites Attract:
Actually, practically the only reason they were together was along the lines of publicity. No, breaking up was not part of Reese's plan. This one went awry. What, did Reese get jealous Natalie Portman was sharing Jake's secret recipes for distressed hair?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is there really any way for Toothy Tile to come out at this point, after the big show he's put on with his beard for the last few years? What could he even say to the public without making himself look ridiculous and making his "Type A" beard look worse? I'm all for people being true to themselves, but I was wondering your thoughts on the ramifications of such a big reveal.

Dear Funny You Ask:
There's a lot to report on good ol' Toothy. Expect it shortly."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Do you think now that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have broken up, Toothy Tile will come out to the public?

Dear Dare Me:
What do the three have to do with each other?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Please, please, please, sweetie, what's going on with Jake and Reese? Are they finally "over" or aren't they? Yours is the only answer I'd trust.

Dear Put a Fork in Gyllenspoon:
Just from being cynical and in this damn city for too long I doubt they are actually over. Reese will want her perfect boyfriend and perfect life. Don't think for a sec she wants Ryan Phillippe to end up the settled one. Still, Jake isn't the guy for her. Hope she realizes it!"

Ted was right said...

Jake really had enough of the bitchy beard, looks like the fauxmance ended in November 2009.