Friday, October 9, 2009

Blind Vice: Big-Butt Wedding Woes!

New from Ted today -

Blind Vice: Big-Butt Wedding Woes!

Let's get something straight right now: Yes, I often write Blind Vices that are fairly obvious; this one isn't. That's a pretty big clue. And so, too, is Slink-a-Rella Jiggle's rear end.

See, it's the main thing that got her beautifully bodied man, Dumbo Pecs, to ask her to marry him (her boobs sure didn't hurt, either). Well, that and the fact that Slink-a-Rella wasn't exactly actually Dumbo's first choice to be his wife. So Pec thought, Well, I do like Slinky's big ol' bottom, so why the hell not give this a try, huh?

Aren't men funny? They make life decisions based on the most interesting things, like the notion that Dumbo also felt marriage to Slinky would...

...help his career, which is the most stupidass thing I've ever heard.

What Dumbo wasn't really paying attention to (since he's not really great about heeding the advice of those he pays to give it to him) was the unavoidable fact that his career was doing, uh, doing quite nicely before he ever met Ms. Jiggle. And if anything, Dumbo's marriage to Slink-a-Rella has stalled his pro job, if only a bit.

Will Dumbo's day gig continue to sorta meander along, you think, until this kind of weirdo marriage of his suddenly busts up, as most of his friends think it will? And pretty messily, at that. Hard to say. And besides, a good pair of butt cheeks is hard to find in this town of starved women, so can't say I blame Mr. Pecs all that much.

And it ain't: Beyonce & Jay-Z, Kendra Wilkinson & Hank Baskett, Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon

Guesses please...

* Update 10/14/09 - Ted has eliminated Tom Brady, Josh Duhamel.


27 comments:

blurry vice said...

Some thoughts:
Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon
J-Lo & Marc Anthony
ScarJo & Ryan Reynolds

Anna said...

I also thought ScarJo and Ryan especially because Ted said Slink-a-Rella wasn't exactly actually Dumbo's first choice to be his wife.

melly said...

No no no, its obviously what's his name and Khloe Kardashian (or the Courtney, I can never keep those two straight). She married some sort of unknown but rising sports dude, and asses run in that family.

Louise said...

My immediate thought was also Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, but I guess that qualifies as an obvious choice.

~*~Leanne~*~ said...

That's what I was thinking, too, Louise, but it's gotta be too obvious. Especially b/c I read somewhere last week that Lamar asked the really pretty girl (sorry, I forget her name) from "Benjamin Button" to marry him before he married Khloe.

Louise said...

Tito Ortiz & Jenna Jamison

J said...

I think it may be someone with ties to the music industry 2 of the 3 couples have careers in music. I'd say it's either ScarJo and Ryan or JLo and Marc

duffgrl said...

Not Mariah and Nick- they are one of the AIAs.
My first thought was Khloe Kardashian,too. I think it's someone who was recently married-I doubt it's JLo. Could be ScarJo but most likely KK.

Christina said...

Can't be Mark Anthony.
In latin music he is HUGE!
And too damn skinny to be Dumbo Pecs.
Jenna Jamison ain't got no assatall and I think he realllly loves her.

I think either Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo...

sistah2 said...

My guess is JLo right now. Rumor has it they wont last long and her butt is one of the big ones, lol.

Emmy said...

Def Scarjo and Ryan. JLo doesn't have big boobs.

Steph said...

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan? Neither are super famous, but recently married and he was in a recent movie that was supposed to be big this summer, I think- was it GI Joe or something like that.

Emmy said...

Didn't think of them that's a good guess steph! Was he ever engaged before? My reasons for Scarjo and Ryan are because the clues fit everything about them 1) not his first choice (prior engagement to Alanis) 2) his career was slowly coming along but has picked up quite a bit since their marriage but not because OF the marriage. 3) No white women have butts as big as hers ( with this it was a fact her butt is very large but I think it was something to throw us off to another race) 4) also said she had big boobs clearly scarjo does and lastly Ted has been dying to write this vice forever! Lol

LemonadeLover said...

Fergie and Josh D.??

blurry vice said...

I like the Fergie and Josh Duhamel guess. He was engaged before he started dating Fergie.

Desi said...

my first thought was lukas and kendra rossi, but i'm not sure where that came from. i like ryan/scarjo.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Are you sure Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are really married? Did you see them on Saturday Night Live? They seemed so uncomfortable together. Ryan spent more time with his arms around Sandra Bullock! Are they that awkward together or is it an arrangement for publicity? By the way, Lady Gaga was a hell of a lot more entertaining. They should have just built the show around her!
—CJ

Dear Arranged Marriage:
It cant be for publicity since, aside from SNL, they are never together. This coupling (besides shared beauty) beats me, too, babe."

lana said...

This has been solved already on ABC blind items.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Gotta few inquiries about Dumbo Pecs. You mentioned Slink-a-Rella wasn't his first choice for marriage. Did he or does he continue to contact his "first choice"? Wonder what his first choice thinks of this. What, if anything, have you heard from her camp? She's probably better off to have him out of her life. My thought is, he was truly in love with the first one, but as you said, picked the second to further his career. Oh, stupid ass Dumbo.
—Mel

Dear Big and the Beautiful:
This man doesn't know what the ef he wants; hence, his Dumbo moniker."

blurry vice said...

LOL. This item has NOT been solved yet.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Bitchy and witty is everything I am, and love to read (even if my literature-lovin' heart sees gossip blolumns as an affront to literacy)—so I love reading you. I save you for Sunday mornings to spend hours catching up on the Awful week! After years of reading, I finally speak. I think Dumbo Pecs is neither RyRy, Marc or Odom (no faltering career, shudderingly skinny, not yet legally married, respectively). I'm gonna throw out Tom Brady ("pro" career laggin' cuz of injury) or Josh Duhamel. Their spouses both are known for delish curves, front and back...am I even close?! Love ya.
—Kayla

Dear Random Guesses:
Pretty far off, save the rear-end part. Think less established, slightly."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Are Slink-a-Rella Jiggle and Dumbo Pecs an openly married couple or still hiding their nuptials in the closet? My mother took in two wild cats that looked to be on the verge of starving to death. It has taken her about a month, but she has finally got them into her home. Bad thing is one cat is possibly pregnant. Guess I know what I'll be getting for Christmas. Ted, you looking for another cat?
—Arabella

Dear Sweetly Disjointed:
Gotta be one of the weirdest letters I've ever received, but still love ya, babe—and what you and your mom are doing for animals. Slinky and Dumbo are happily married—at least I believe they are."

Kris said...

My guess is Ice-T and CoCo.

Gemini850 said...

I believe it is J.Lo and Marc Anthony.
I mean J.Lo was only known for her butt. and Marc Anthony did have a pretty decent career but when they got married he hasn't really been doing nothing lately.

moonriver said...

I thought of JayZ and Beyonce. Slink-a-Rella made me think of Roc-A-Fella Records, and he was doing really well before marrying her, though wouldn't say it's gone downhill by any means. But, he gave up being the head of DefJam records, so...

Anonymous said...

'Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom'

He's a pro basket ball player or something, and she has a big ass (Or at least her sister does).

Anonymous said...

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker

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