Saturday, July 11, 2009

One Poison-Vanilla Blind Vice

From Ted yesterday July 10...

FutureSex / LoveSoundsOne Poison-Vanilla Blind Vice
Our superfamous naughty couple today is by no means as interesting as Hard-Nipple Nick and his megastar wife. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sorry! But get this:
It's high time everybody met Jerry Rock-Butt and Chutney Jones—an insanely gorgeous duo. The stars (one A-List, one B-List, sorta) have been dating for a couple of years now and they're the epitome of dull, dull, dull. Bland expressions when they're out together, same routine dinners, blah blah and more blah. Yech, already.
But it wasn't always that way, we assure you:
JR-B has always been a ladies' man, and has quite the track record of bedded A-List hotties. Not that he always made it to a mattress, but you get the general idea, I'm sure. Oh, and these exes of Jare's never let him lose his hard-partying ways. They were supersmart about that—quite unlike how stupidass (tightass) Chutney's being with Jerry now.
See, Rock-Butt is no druggy—don't get us wrong. But when he's out with the boys or in a crazy mood, he doesn't mind dabbling in the occasional Hollywood party favor: coke. J will do a couple of lines here and there, just to help him get his dance and flirt on.
But Chutney isn't having any of that. Not that we condone drugs here at the A.T., but C.J. is just as pissed that Jerry does blow as she is that Jerry has fun! She's such a stick in the overly coiffed spa mud, and she sure as hell isn't any fun to take out—and that, of course, means Mr. Rock-Butt shouldn't be out and about either, so Chutney thinks.
Well...let's just say Jerry's been sneaking off to Vegas a bit more than usual, as a result. Sin City is where Jare gets all his sins outta his system, fer sure.
And we think Jerry has had it with his leecher girlfriend. They've been on rocky ground for a while, and studly J is starting to miss the nightlife and bevy of hot female fans. And trust, this sexalicious guy could have practically anyone. Guys or girls. But he chooses the latter, despite his metro-esque appeal.
Here's hoping JR-B ditches the douche ball and chain and goes back to the single life. Preferably for his first love. Now they were a fit like no other.
And it ain't: Sean "Diddy" Combs, Ryan Phillippe, Emile Hirsch
Eliminated for Jerry Rock-Butt: Sean "Diddy" Combs, Ryan Phillippe, Emile Hirsch, Tom Sturridge, Jay-Z, Mark Ruffalo, Justin Theroux, Mark Walhberg, Matthew Morrison, Leonardo DiCaprio
Eliminated for Chutney Jones: Minka Kelly, Jennifer Lopez, Ashley Greene, Kristen Stewart

Top suspects: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.

Here is the Jerry Rock-Butt BV from Nov 2010.  also see label below for the Mar 2011 JRB BV.


blurry vice said...

That last line screams Justin and Britney. I am calling this one - Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel!

thomasonclan said...

I completely agree...and Ted has so often said they were dull and doesn't seem to particulary like Jessica.

alana said...

I totally agree with you on this one! They were the first couple that came to my mind as well... AND it is the first time I got a BV on my own and didn't need help with guessing :)

blurry vice said...

Ted said this today about Justin and Britney -

"Dear Ted:
Just wanted to ask if you know anything about Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears? If they are still friends, do they still talk?

Dear Mouseketeer:
Besides the fact that they were awesome together? Nick Jonas and Miley Cyrus in the making, for sure. B and J are each doing their own thing, of course, and if I were you, I would use the friend term loosely. Justin is a holder, if you haven't been able to tell by the countless Brit-inspired songs. "

blurry vice said...

I was also thinking that Nick Lachey could also fit for this. Not as well as Justin fits. But just a thought.

duffgrl said...

No, Nick Lachey is SO not A-list; and also they have already broken up prior to this blind item. Definitely JT and JB.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Any news on Jerry Rock-Butt and Chutney Jones? Has Rock-Butt ditched Jones yet or did they kiss and make up? Hope not! Love to hear more about JRB's trips to Vegas. Methinks your last Blind on these two skipped over those deets a little too quickly.

Dear Still Together, Still Boring:
They're "still dating" as of now and have a totally snooze-worthy relaysh. If they always look that miserable in public together I don't understand why Jerry doesn't cut Chutney loose. They would both move on just fine. Jerry, more so, of course."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
When are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel going to break up already?

Dear Britney Spears:
Be patient! "

blurry vice said...

Justin Timberlake made it to the Blind Vice Superstar Gallery - here is the hint -

Justin Timberlake

J.T. can't help squawking about his past bedroom habits with former flame Britney Spears, but he must've learned his lesson with current squeeze Jessica Biel. Dude barely opens his mouth to acknowledge her (be grateful, everybody). Still, party-lovin' Just isn't Mr. Nice Guy at all times."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Justin Timberlake a Blind Vice, A-list secret keeper...that raises an eyebrow. Really makes me wonder just what kind of secret pretty boy J.T. is keeping? Wonder if he was the one caught in the coat closet a while back?

Dear No Chance:
You're on the wrong Vice track for Mr. Timberlake."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Why is Justin Timberlake still with his lame-ass girlfriend and now attending the Emmys with her? He seems unhappy with her all the time, so why is he still with her.

Dear Timberpuss:
Seriously beats me. Good, reliable sex maybe?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
So where was Jessica Biel on Emmy night? Why wasn't she with Justin Timberlake? Are my dreams coming true? Did he dump her?

Dear Out With the Old:
She's so boring, who cares. This relaysh won't be for least not if Justin grows a pair."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just wondering what's up with Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake? Will they break up soon? Their chemistry is just weird; he doesn't seem interested in her.

Dear He Is and He Isn't:
Not soon enough, but yes, soon."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Does Jessica Biel look so glum (in photos) because of Justin Timberlake's single-style partying, or is Justin single-style partying because Jessica is always so glum?

Dear Boring and Boringer:
Number two."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
A lot of my friends think Justin Timberlake still has feelings for Britney Spears. What do you think? Do you have any info about this? I know this couple was over in like 2002, but I can't help but be curious!

Dear Still Hoping:
How I wish they would get back together this instant! They really were the perfect pair! I think everyone always has a little spot for their first love, no matter how much they got burned...Plus, Justin still makes all those sappy ef-you songs that are totally about Brit-Brit. Don't think he's totally over her!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Clearly Jessica Biel needs Justin Timberlake to remain relevant, but what could possibly be in it for him?

Dear Hatin' on Biel:
He strikes me as a cuddler. And I hear the same as well. Shame or great?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I was hoping for a Newlyweds reunion between Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, but it looks like it won't happen. Why does Nick insist on staying with Vanessa Minnillo?

Dear Old-School:
Why did Justin Timberlake ever hook up with Jessica Biel, for that matter? Men and their penises can be so weirdly wrong."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Please tell me it's not true! Did Britney Spears propose to her manager boyfriend and get rejected? What is it with this girl? When is she gonna learn? Any chance of a Spears-Timberlake romance again?

Dear Glory Days:
Oh, honey I am so with you. Justin and Britney are destined to be together. He holds a grudge, though, so just not sure it can happen. But if Sienna and Jude are figuring it out, maybe—just maybe—there's hope for our fave pop royalty couple, after all. "

Anonymous said...

I would LOVE to see Justin and Brit back together and I am positive this BI is about them and Biel. I know JT holds sort of a grudge for her cheating BUT he writes about her in a ton of his songs even recent ones, so I don't think he is over her or her him, because she too writes about him in songs as well.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Although he's been under the radar lately, I'm always itching for some Justin Timberlake news. Can you please give us hints on his Blind Vice?
—Wanna Be Mrs. Timberlake

Dear Cry Me a River:
He's not alone in his BV. But I predict he will be soon enough! This whole Timberbiel drag-out is making me so bored. They're gonna split eventually, I say they get it over with sooner rather than later."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just wondering what your take is on the Cameron-Justin-Jessica rumors. We heard that Justin and Jessica have an open relationship—any truth to that? And what are the chances that he and Cameron might rekindle the flame?
—Megan and Erin

Dear Three's Company:
J.Biel would totally not be down for an open relaysh, although we're sure J.T. wouldn't be as opposed. So don't expect to see Cameron and Justin too chummy-chummy on this new flick. At least, not more than is professionally required."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were true loves. I hope one day they'll at least be friends again! Have they seen each other lately? Do they talk? Will they go to an awards show together ever again?

Dear Sexy (Flash) Back:
B and J have (almost) always been on good terms, but none of Brit's relationships were ever really the same after her big ol' meltdown—and I'm not talking the bald-headed one. I'm talking post-Justin. But Justin still cares deeply for his ex-flame and friend—and that's why we still love him, too. As for awards shows, you can go ahead and take that one off your wish list. Not gonna happen, babe, at least not soon."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What's up with Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake? For a while, there where rumors he was going all Tiger Woods on her, but it died down. Does that mean they are together, or not? Personally I think he has become way boring since dating her.

Dear Status Update:
Yeah, they're together, but does anyone really care? Total boresville, if you ask me. For two hot young things, you wouldn't expect the relaysh to be so damn...cold."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel still together? I haven't heard a thing about the pair lately. Such a boring pair. They may have even forgotten they're supposed to be a couple.

Dear On Topic:
Yes, they're still together. And yes, they're still boring. Sorry, somebody's gotta say it."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I was watching Justin Timberlake being interviewed on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and I have to say it was so boring! Whether it was his grandmother-like sweater, or his over-size glasses, he had no personality! Not interesting! Nothing! Is that what he's like in person? I can't believe that he's the most famous out of all the ex-band members!

Dear Out-of-Sync:
We can totally believe it. He's the hottest out of them, duh. Still, J.T.'s nerdifying getup is so people start thinking of him as a serious actor, didn't you know? Sure, he did a pretty good job of playing the cocky douche in Social Network, but we miss Justin the singer. Timberlake isn't exactly as boring as you'd think in real life, though GF Jessica Biel certainly makes them give off a Gyllenspoon vibe 90 percent of the time. That said, Justy had better watch it. He's pushing the cocky-dork look way too much."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is it just me or does Justin Timberlake seem like the most arrogant, self-obsessed, boring, vengeful little nerdy white boy ever? I am so sick of the fawning this guy gets in the press, when he has screwed over almost every chick he's been with (especially public perception wise) from Britney Spears to Cameron Diaz and now Jessica Biel (even though she seems insufferable too). And he's not even cute in the slightest, and he clearly has no respect for women. Why all this love for the guy responsible for sending both Cam and Brit into public meltdowns?

Dear Out of SYNC:
While J.T.'s ego definitely isn't on the smaller side, you can't blame him for any trouble Brit had after they split. There was way more causing that mama's drama than saying Bye, Bye, Bye to Justin. Blame him for being über-snooze-worthy, if anything."

joy said...

Whats with the jake gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon reference?

blurry vice said...

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What is going on the Justin Timberlake? I'm hearing all kinds of weird stories, like he's stressed-out to the point of a Britney-like breakdown and he's

living a double life. Lately there has been talk he's in the closet and is constantly worried about being outed. I've always thought he was über-straight. I

absolutely refuse to believe Britney was bearding for him! I still to this day hope for a Justin-Brit reunion.

Dear Dream On:
That's gonna happen about as fast as J.T. comes out of the closet—were he gay. Look, he's an intense guy who's truly multitalented. He works at it, too, it's

not entirely effortless. Timberlake actually cares about honing his acting, not just being a celebrity. As a result, people think he's got a disease, or

something, just because he's not tipping his highlights and getting all toothy with that boring girlfriend of his on the press lines. I like him. And for the

record, Cameron Diaz is who I'd like to see J.T. get back together with, not Britney. Someone please save this girl from A-Rod, fast!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Jessica Biel boring as toast? My pound purries are dying to know?

Dear Still Snoring:
Yes, and it's pretty painfully boring. I mean she didn't even jet off to Dallas with BF Justin Timberlake for the Super Bowl. And people wonder why he keeps sneakily getting tied to Olivia Munn. She was at the same afterparty. Someone warn boring Biel, already!"

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
How good did Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis look together when they presented at the Oscars?! That would be one hot couple, if you ask me. She is gorgeous

and (more importantly!) seems smart and nice; he's not bad to look at, either. If Justin and Jessica Biel break up, what type of girl(s) do you think Justin

will go for?

Dear Matchmaker:
We all saw the sparks. We're sure Jessica did too, since she and J.T. weren't necessarily inseparable at the Oscar afterparties Sunday night. Mila is by far

the hottest thing to hit Hollywood right now, and Justin can only do fab with that fine piece. Doubt anyone hotter is on his radar. But as scorching hot as

they would be together, is no one else worried that he may hurt the Black Swan starlet? Especially after those serious eight years she had with Macaulay

Culkin. Oh, screw it. They'd be banging."

blurry vice said...

Chutney is devastated

blurry vice said...

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Now that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are back together (he went to Toronto where she's shooting Total Recall in early July and then they were spotted

all over New York over the weekend), do you think the breakup in March was a mere publicity stunt on J.T.'s part to promote Friends With Benefits as a single

man? And will it actually last this time around?
—Mila Kunis Fan

Dear Timberbiel Redux:
Why Jess would ever want a romance rebound with her très famous ex is beyond me. But I can tell you this: Their split was very much the real deal (and long

overdue, in my humble opinion). But I wouldn't count on things getting too serious with these two—Timberbiel is a relaysh that's destined for disaster."