Tabs are also talkin' about another new possible coupling besides Jess ‘n’ Tony: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. First, they were spotted makin' lusty eyes at each other at the opening of Koi in Vegas. Later on, they were snapped havin' sushi at Katsuya back here in Hollywood. Since they're both recently single and fresh off relationships, we're gonna predict this is just a little rebound fling. Although we do hear Dax is fairly well equipped and rather kinky, so perhaps he might be able to keep Kristen around? And if you’re wondering precisely just what kind of equipment we’re referring to, well, we have two things to say:
1. Former known princesses (he only likes 'em semifamous or famous, trust) the Daxster’s been into, in one way or another, have contacted us, and they’re hoping Kristen is, um, up for the unusual boudoir challenge.
2. Think Great Dane, not miniature greyhound.
July 20, 2007 - One Slut Fits all Blind Vice
Princess Gold-Zinger has been blessed with it all (almost, which is where we come in). P.G.Z.’s got the rockin’ puss, a svelte yet still ultrabangable bod and a fairly legit career, which is pretty friggin’ hard to find now in untalented, infamy filled T-town, trust. But, ‘course, not all is well for the fetchin’ actress, who’s got a way with good lines (on screen) and bad boys (off).
P.G.Z. has had quite the rocky love life, fer sure, everything from her public busting up to her hot-and-not hookups post—and some say during—her most famous relationship. But don’t cry for this bitchin’ bitch, I insist. See, she’s never without a plus-one, and she was most recently spotted with quasi-cutie Harkness Hose. Many of you may not be familiar with H2, ‘cause his fame is quite below that of the Princess and her veddy royal fam. Now, I remember funny-honey H.H. most notably from season uno of a popular reality TV show, but since then, he’s appeared in at least one mainstream flop (where the two stars of the film found themselves in a tabloid hot-seat much like her royal highness) and has a few more likely duds comin’ out. So, what has he done to cast a spell on our Princess? Turns out he’s one big kinky freak—with the goodies to back it up! Harkness has been known to send X-rated photos and erotic emails to random women he meets on Myspace and has even met up and slept with some of them. I’m told H.H. is packin’ large and knows how to use his equipment. Able to fill out Gold Trojan Magnums XL, he serves it straight up and apparently damn good. The Princess is currently Hose’s latest utterly smitten gal. But let’s hope H can keep the kink without the creep, now that he’s with P.G.Z. (whose romance should be anything but PG). Who knows, maybe too big may be just right for the lovable golden lass.
And it ain't - Sienna Miller, Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry
Oh, I know what all you hets (at least the majority of you straight ones) think. You unshowered types think butt-play is for the boy-on-boy crowd, only. Oh, how very wrong-a-rooney you are. Take Harkness Hose, for ince. We were gabbing ‘bout his terribly naughty, enormously pleasing mattress activities with one Princess Gold-Zinger a few weeks ago (One Slut Fits All Blind Vice), remember? Of course you do. Well, H2 is at it again, online, as I feared he’d be. Don’t these public figures realize they’re going to be friggin’ recognized once they do the in-person deed they’ve just sent a gazillion emails to set up? Ah, well, I guess an engorged member has its privileges—like idiocy. Back to H.H.: He’s hardly being true to the Princess, as everybody and his goss-lovin' mama knew would happen. But it’s not just the doggin' round that I’m reporting for this taboo tuchus installment, it’s the accoutrement with which H-babe (who, by the by, has hideous coiffure and clothing tastes) came a-callin' to his latest e-lover. Pull out the licorice-flavored lube, lovahs, and get ready: “Even though he desperately needs a stylist and more hair transplants,” a recent conquest of H.H. relayed, privately, just to yours truly, “when the boy combs his hair and gets naked…POW!” Cowabunga-kinky, love it! But why the pow-points, exactly, I inquired, like the good little dangler digger I happen to be. “Oh, the boy knows his way around the back end,” answered Harkness’ latest electronically arranged Juliet. “Seriously, the boy is a great f--k,” the body-to-body blabber informed moi—both with his own toys as well as the artificially made variety. My very own own little celeb Deep Throat (or should I call her Deep, uh, never mind) assures me that Princess, too, likes this sexual alternative nooky, who knew? Actually, I did! Jeez, how many gals am I gonna have to end up, as it were, writing these kind of Vices about, huh?
And it ain't - Seth Green, Andy Dick, Nick Lachey
Okay, really sorry to keep it up (pardon the penile pun) on this Harkness Hose dude, but I declare, he’s turning out to be another Toothy Tile—only the straight kind! See, while the world breathlessly coos and oohs over H2’s latest hookup with the very regal Princess Gold-Zinger, Harkness lurks the E-zones of lonely, horny women. That’s right: He hooks up, via online, with gals other than PGZ. But, ‘course, I said that already. It’s just that I have a little additional icky info on the back-door sex H.H. lives to talk his normally hesitant honeys into. Yes, yes, yes, even though I’m hearing from heaps o’ gals who prefer the alternative-nooky route (should I publish these communications next week, or would that just make everybody, including my très conservative editor, Stevie R, wanna throw up?), not all gals are so game. And what, exactly, does Mr. Hose do to get his ladies in the mood for the rather painful procedure? Roses and champagne? A million little kisses to every nether region—and not—of his partner’s bod? Sex-ay dirty talk in her ear, along with a little lobe-nibbling? Nah, nothing so amorous. The answer’s far more mechanical, not at all romantic. H2 has them use a battery-operated vibrator on themselves first. Doesn’t even offer to assist in the dirty deed.Top guesses:
Men. If they weren’t so damn handy when ya need a good sausage dinner, I’d say to hell with the lot of ’em.
And it ain't - Brad Pitt, David Arquette, Matthew Perry
Harkness Hose = Dax Shepard
Princess Gold-Zinger = ?
*** Update August 22, 2009 - Ted says that Kate Hudson has never been a Blind Vice. We thought for sure she was PGZ!!!
* For Princess Gold-Zinger, as of 4/12/10 - Ted has eliminated Sienna Miller, Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, Paris Hilton, Sandra Bullock, Cameron Diaz.
* For Harkness Hose, as of 4/12/10 - Ted has eliminated Brad Pitt, David Arquette, Matthew Perry, Seth Green, Andy Dick, Nick Lachey, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jeremy Piven, David Schwimmer, Josh Hartnett.