Monday, November 5, 2007

Jake Gyllenhaal = Toothy Tile

One of Ted Casablanca's top Blind Vice subjects is Toothy Tile. He has covered him for a few years now. He is a closeted gay actor. Ted has excluded MANY actors but has never excluded Jake Gyllenhaal. Toothy supposedly has a serious boyfriend, who is suspected to be Jake's close bud Austin Nichols. In future posts we shall dissect Toothy Tile in more detail. But for today I will just share the nugget that appeared in Ted's column today. It was a blurb about the so-called relationship between Jake and Reese Witherspoon. Here Ted hints that we should not believe the hype...

"If you regularly read this column, you prolly know we haven’t exactly been gulping down the Gyllenspoon Kool-Aid like the rest of the rags, wonder why? Something about the sudden PDA sessions in front of the paps right as Rendition premiered smelled stinky to us—among sundry other suspect celeb goings-on. But that was all before we saw the pics of Jake (or supposedly of Jake, as he was wearing a giant gorilla costume) trick-or-treating with Reese’s tykes, Ava and Deacon. 'Cause, surely, if southern sweetie Reese is not only introducing Jake to her kids and having them all spend holidays together, there must be something more to their relationship...right? Unless...of course, it’s all just one big PR ploy to sell a dead movie, and certain other parties—who mysteriously don’t make it into press-release-esque photos of the dimpled duo—have always been there in the background, too, and Reese and Jake are just good buds. For ince, could Ryan still be hangin' round, trying to slink back with his fresh ex? Just a question here, dearies, and a preachy proviso to not always gobble up everything you read, this missive included."

Also, later in the column, Ted mentions Jake's close bud Austin Nichols when suggesting that Reese and Jake to to a basketball game like he used to do with his buddy. Hmmm... I am taking today's comments as a big affirmation from Ted that Toothy is Jake G! I don't believe the Reese rumors for a second. I smell a big ol' publicity stunt!
Photo courtesy of


blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
What describes Toothy Tiles's situation better: "Single Tile," "Mr. and Mr. Tile" or "Family Tile"? Please, could you include clues and hints more often about him? What happened to that great idea to dedicate one day a month to only Toothy questions?

Dear Multiple Choice:
Family Tile. Don’t remember committing to one day a month trying to ferret out T.T.’s identity. Still, don’t think that’s enough for my taste.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
I, too, am tired of the Toothy Tile game...but just out of curiosity, how many people have sent you an email correctly identifying him?

Dear Ticking Tile:
A few.

blurry vice said...

10/22/08 -

Dear Ted:
What's this you said in the last Truth, Lies & Ted about my favorite actor of all time, Paul Newman? You were talking about what a shame it would be if sham couple Jake and Reese tried to make like a "modern-day Paul and Joanne." I'll still love him anyway, but tell me one of H'wood's greatest love stories ain't a sham! Love you and your bitchin' bitchiness.
—Lauren, Chicago

Dear Newman's Own Fan:
No fakery we know of betwixt Paul and his longtime sweetie. Meant it would be heresy if J&R played house like those two, 'cause they ain't nothing like the real thing.

Dear Ted:
Are Reese and Jake the new TomKat? I think robot-boyfriend Jake is the new Katie.

Dear GyllenKat:
I think they're both robots.