One Lamentable Blind Vice
"Papa, Can You Queer Me?
Let’s see, who’s left in Hollywood who could possibly be gay? Well, somebody who’s taken huge pains to appear not so, and now he very much regrets it—don’t tell the wife and kids, for it’s Blind Vice Friday!
Ok-my guesses are:
Corny Beefy is actually such a swell guy, we kinda hate to write up this little Blind baby—but hell, we got mouths to feed, right? I mean, that mutt Margo is getting to be a demanding little gourmet bitch!
Quite unlike aw-shucks C.B., although, we must admit, Corny-doll certainly looks like he's been hittin' a lotta food bowls lately, gourmet or otherwise. Was that snitty of us to say? Well, it's kind of an important deet, actually, as Mr. B used to be such the doable little hon. 'Course, he still is (more so when he's filming), in between fat phases. Aren't we all allowed one?
Tattletale truth be told, I think Mr. Beefy's reoccurring poundage is due to an emotional sitch, as is often the case with altering bod phases. See, C.B. was married a few years ago, got the missus preggers, but—how can we put this?—something's been missing in Beefy's life ever since he chose the white-picket-fence route. Could that something be an object shaped more like a salami, less a Hot Pocket? Boy-on-boy bingo!
“He now regrets not coming out, as he sees more and more people doing it,” fessed a close amiga to Corny-babe. “His wife doesn't know. Hardly anyone knows.” (But some sure do!)
Yes, as is so often the case when we embark on the Blind Vice alleyway, we are discussing yet another closeted fake-hetero homo movie star. How utterly surprising.
Too sad, really, as not only is Corny sweet as his (in-shape) tits, he's also a most politically aware, very astute guy. So, why give in to this ersatz way of life?
“He thought he could wish it away,” adds the loose-lipped bosom buddy. Hmmm. Is that what he was hoping for when he was a hooker, before he became famous? Or was it just a successful career he wanted back then? We wonder.
Can't have everything, Corny!"
And It Ain't : Ben Stiller, David Boreanaz, Will Smith
1. Matthew Broderick - has a corned beef sandwich named after him in a famous NY deli,married w/ child, seems to fluctuate w/ weight..
2. Tobey Maguire - Fits almost everything except he JUST got married in September. He cooks as a hobby, weight yo-yos, slims up for spiderman. Also-there's this letter:
"Dear Ted: After having seen recent pics of Val Kilmer, could he possibly be Corny Beefy? Trish St. Paul, Minnesota Dear Gay Gumshoe:Another quite good shot, my Twin City chica! Alas, ain’t the once highly doable Kilmer, think somewhat similar franchise, though...."Franchise: Superman(Tobey). Val Kilmer was Batman...
Also,this post of Ted's from 10/24:
“Yeah,” added the loose-lipper, who also said Tobey’s too busy working on his new flick, Brothers, with Jake Gyllenhaal, to play. Poker, that is.
Regardless, Tom, you and Tobey are about the same stature, wanna give All Out: The Tobey Maguire Story, a try? You’d be deliciously dangerous but victorious; you could save your whole M:I franchise! How ‘bout it?"
(Notice the "All Out" capitalization?? Def a clue) That Ted,so clever.
He has ruled out Ben Affleck and Adam Sandler-mentions though in the Ben Affleck letter that C.B. also has"questionable hair". Hmmmm....
As for the mention of "when he was a hooker" ? I have no idea.
#3 guess: Matt Damon. Not sure if his weight fluctuates though...
List of people Ted has eliminated: David Boreanaz, Ben Stiller, Will Smith, Ben Affleck, Val Kilmer, William Baldwin, Heath Ledger, Tobey Maguire
Thoughts anyone? Not sure about the"and it aints" either. They are clues somehow...
*** Update - Top guess is Matthew Broderick.