Thursday, November 8, 2007

One Lamentable Blind Vice - 10/12/07

I'm posting this BV of Ted's from October; very intriguing to me...

One Lamentable Blind Vice

"Papa, Can You Queer Me?
Let’s see, who’s left in Hollywood who could possibly be gay? Well, somebody who’s taken huge pains to appear not so, and now he very much regrets it—don’t tell the wife and kids, for it’s Blind Vice Friday!
Ferris Bueller's Day Off Movie (Matthew Broderick) Poster Print 80s - 24x36
Corny Beefy is actually such a swell guy, we kinda hate to write up this little Blind baby—but hell, we got mouths to feed, right? I mean, that mutt Margo is getting to be a demanding little gourmet bitch!
Quite unlike aw-shucks C.B., although, we must admit, Corny-doll certainly looks like he's been hittin' a lotta food bowls lately, gourmet or otherwise. Was that snitty of us to say? Well, it's kind of an important deet, actually, as Mr. B used to be such the doable little hon. 'Course, he still is (more so when he's filming), in between fat phases. Aren't we all allowed one?
Tattletale truth be told, I think Mr. Beefy's reoccurring poundage is due to an emotional sitch, as is often the case with altering bod phases. See, C.B. was married a few years ago, got the missus preggers, but—how can we put this?—something's been missing in Beefy's life ever since he chose the white-picket-fence route. Could that something be an object shaped more like a salami, less a Hot Pocket? Boy-on-boy bingo!
“He now regrets not coming out, as he sees more and more people doing it,” fessed a close amiga to Corny-babe. “His wife doesn't know. Hardly anyone knows.” (But some sure do!)
Yes, as is so often the case when we embark on the Blind Vice alleyway, we are discussing yet another closeted fake-hetero homo movie star. How utterly surprising.
Too sad, really, as not only is Corny sweet as his (in-shape) tits, he's also a most politically aware, very astute guy. So, why give in to this ersatz way of life?
“He thought he could wish it away,” adds the loose-lipped bosom buddy. Hmmm. Is that what he was hoping for when he was a hooker, before he became famous? Or was it just a successful career he wanted back then? We wonder.
Can't have everything, Corny!"
And It Ain't : Ben Stiller, David Boreanaz, Will Smith
Ok-my guesses are:

1. Matthew Broderick - has a corned beef sandwich named after him in a famous NY deli,married w/ child, seems to fluctuate w/ weight..

2. Tobey Maguire - Fits almost everything except he JUST got married in September. He cooks as a hobby, weight yo-yos, slims up for spiderman. Also-there's this letter:

"Dear Ted: After having seen recent pics of Val Kilmer, could he possibly be Corny Beefy? Trish St. Paul, Minnesota Dear Gay Gumshoe:Another quite good shot, my Twin City chica! Alas, ain’t the once highly doable Kilmer, think somewhat similar franchise, though...."
Franchise: Superman(Tobey). Val Kilmer was Batman...
Also,this post of Ted's from 10/24:
“Yeah,” added the loose-lipper, who also said Tobey’s too busy working on his new flick, Brothers, with Jake Gyllenhaal, to play. Poker, that is.
Regardless, Tom, you and Tobey are about the same stature, wanna give All Out: The Tobey Maguire Story, a try? You’d be deliciously dangerous but victorious; you could save your whole M:I franchise! How ‘bout it?"

(Notice the "All Out" capitalization?? Def a clue) That Ted,so clever.
He has ruled out Ben Affleck and Adam Sandler-mentions though in the Ben Affleck letter that C.B. also has"questionable hair". Hmmmm....
As for the mention of "when he was a hooker" ? I have no idea.

#3 guess: Matt Damon. Not sure if his weight fluctuates though...

List of people Ted has eliminated: David Boreanaz, Ben Stiller, Will Smith, Ben Affleck, Val Kilmer, William Baldwin, Heath Ledger, Tobey Maguire

Thoughts anyone? Not sure about the"and it aints" either. They are clues somehow...

*** Update - Top guess is Matthew Broderick.


blurry vice said...

I say Tobey Maguire for this. The mutt Margo is his wife. No offense to her but I think that is what Ted meant. Could also pertain to Sara Jessica Parker though.

blurry vice said...

Ted just eliminated Heath Ledger for this one. He says wrong hair color, slightly older. Matthew Broderick fits.

blurry vice said...

TOBEY MAGUIRE has been eliminated as Corny Beefy! Says Ted: "Ain’t Tobey, but doll-puss, you have no idea how almost right on the slightly aged heartthrob money you are."

EllieBee said...

It is Christian Bale, Batman Begins. He is married with a kid, active in political causes, and if you look at pictures of him, he looks heavier in some!

Anonymous said...

I've always thought that CB was Matt Damon. The AIA's refer to that movie that Matt and Ben (the Ben Stiller reference) were in where they played angels (the David Borneaz reference). It was directed by their friend Kevin Smith (the Will Smith reference). His weight fluctuates between movies. The "somewhat similar" franchise to Val Kilmer's Batman could definitely be the Jason Bourne movies. And, he could very well have been hooking before he and Ben got famous. Their first director for Good Will Hunting was openly gay director Gus Van Sant. Maybe Damon used his hooking to get him as director.

Anonymous said...

Tobey Maguire played SPIDER-MAN, not Superman which you claim in two places in your text. :) Ive got no guess as to who it can be though.

Wynter said...

Matt Damon, his franchise if the Bourne series. There's been several other blinds (Lainey has one) about Matt being gay. All fits. Matt's weight fluctuates too in between films.

blurry vice said...

So our top guesses for this right now are -

Matthew Broderick
Matt Damon
Brendan Fraser

Unknown said...

Like Saz said, Lainey's Cuba blind and Corny Beefy are, IMO, one and the same= Matt Damon. Here is my reasoning:

*On Matt's IMDB page, it notes how many times his weight has fluctuated for different roles throughout the peak of his career.

*Corny Beefy (aka corned beef) is a well known Irish staple. Matt is from the Boston area, high Irish American population and even has the Boston Celtics (hello, Irish!). It is well known that this is his hometown and was the setting of Good Will Hunting, the movie that made him famous.

*Matt Damon is an aging (late 30s) heartthrob, for sure.

*He is known for being incredibly smart (went to Harvard and left just 12 credits shy of degree), philanthropic, and an all around good guy. Lainey and Ted both rave on how NICE and sweet he is.

*In Rounders, he plays a "reformed" poker player.

*Franchise film: The Bourne Trilogy

*Matt also (at least part time) resides in Florida, which would make it rather convenient for him to have a lover in Cuba (re: Lainey) and accounts for Ted's use of Spanish ("chica" "amigas").

On an unrelated to CB/Cuba note, while trying to find a link to the hooker comment, I learned that Al Pacino used to be a male prostitute. Interesting!!

What do you guys think? Can you think of any more links to Matt?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Now that Sarah Jessica Parker is all over the celebrity world due to her latest SATC movie, it brings up the question: What is the deal between her and Matthew Broderick? And how is life with the twins?

Dear Domestic Hiss:
They actually get along pretty well, despite Matthew's brush with the more tabloid side o' things. They really are a sweet, very real couple. It's just that it's been difficult, at times, for doughy Matthew to navigate his ultrathin wife's colossal success."

- I think that's a hint that he calls him doughy.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
My questions is about Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick's relationship. It doesn't seem like a happy marriage. I never would have even thought of those two together. When she was on Watch What Happens recently talked about marriage it was like she didn't know what to say. Is there trouble in paradise? Are they just staying together for the kids? (Why more kids if the marriage isn't happy?) What happened between them? On account that I have major allergies I cannot have many pets. However my sister does have two rescued dogs, cat and one lovable doggy from a friend.

Dear Happily Never After?
Not quite, V. Sure, SJP and her hubby have their fair share of problems—what couple, especially in Hollywood, doesn't though?—but they're happy together, flaws and all, so don't worry too much about this twosome. Tell your sister smooches to her rescue pets!"

Anonymous said...

This can't be Broderick. He is not in a franchise. No way around that.

Kristen said...

This has gotta be Matt Damon. He's been my #1 celeb crush for years now, so I don't want it to be him for selfish reasons, and also because he sounds miserable, but I can't see anyone else fitting this blind as well as he does. And, as others have said, it sounds a lot like Lainey's Cuba blind, which is also most likely Matt Damon, since nearly everyone else who could fit the description has been eliminated.

Marian Rain said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

In today's Bitch Back Ted said Damon's vice "was a while ago, and Matt wasn't alone in it." Sometimes I have trouble deciphering Ted-speak; but I'm thinking this makes it sound like Damon's vice had two different people, both assigned nicknames- eliminating Matt as Corny Beef. Plus he said the vice was "fun," while this just seems sad.