Thursday, November 29, 2007

Dax Shepard = Harkness Hose?

MTV Punk'd - The Complete First SeasonIn another big mention in today's Awful Truth, Ted basically outed Harkness Hose as Dax Shepard. There were three Blind Vices this summer about Dax and (we previously thought) Kate Hudson. Here is what was written in the Awful Truth today...

Tabs are also talkin' about another new possible coupling besides Jess ‘n’ Tony: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. First, they were spotted makin' lusty eyes at each other at the opening of Koi in Vegas. Later on, they were snapped havin' sushi at Katsuya back here in Hollywood. Since they're both recently single and fresh off relationships, we're gonna predict this is just a little rebound fling. Although we do hear Dax is fairly well equipped and rather kinky, so perhaps he might be able to keep Kristen around? And if you’re wondering precisely just what kind of equipment we’re referring to, well, we have two things to say:
1. Former known princesses (he only likes 'em semifamous or famous, trust) the Daxster’s been into, in one way or another, have contacted us, and they’re hoping Kristen is, um, up for the unusual boudoir challenge.

2. Think Great Dane, not miniature greyhound.
The "Princess" connection alone ties him to the Harkness Hose BV's. Princess Gold-Zinger was once thought to be Kate Hudson. See the following three Blind Vices below...

July 20, 2007 - One Slut Fits all Blind Vice

Princess Gold-Zinger has been blessed with it all (almost, which is where we come in). P.G.Z.’s got the rockin’ puss, a svelte yet still ultrabangable bod and a fairly legit career, which is pretty friggin’ hard to find now in untalented, infamy filled T-town, trust. But, ‘course, not all is well for the fetchin’ actress, who’s got a way with good lines (on screen) and bad boys (off).
P.G.Z. has had quite the rocky love life, fer sure, everything from her public busting up to her hot-and-not hookups post—and some say during—her most famous relationship. But don’t cry for this bitchin’ bitch, I insist. See, she’s never without a plus-one, and she was most recently spotted with quasi-cutie Harkness Hose. Many of you may not be familiar with H2, ‘cause his fame is quite below that of the Princess and her veddy royal fam. Now, I remember funny-honey H.H. most notably from season uno of a popular reality TV show, but since then, he’s appeared in at least one mainstream flop (where the two stars of the film found themselves in a tabloid hot-seat much like her royal highness) and has a few more likely duds comin’ out. So, what has he done to cast a spell on our Princess? Turns out he’s one big kinky freak—with the goodies to back it up! Harkness has been known to send X-rated photos and erotic emails to random women he meets on Myspace and has even met up and slept with some of them. I’m told H.H. is packin’ large and knows how to use his equipment. Able to fill out Gold Trojan Magnums XL, he serves it straight up and apparently damn good. The Princess is currently Hose’s latest utterly smitten gal. But let’s hope H can keep the kink without the creep, now that he’s with P.G.Z. (whose romance should be anything but PG). Who knows, maybe too big may be just right for the lovable golden lass.

And it ain't - Sienna Miller, Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry

August 2, 2007 - One Tush-Tweaked Blind Vice

Oh, I know what all you hets (at least the majority of you straight ones) think. You unshowered types think butt-play is for the boy-on-boy crowd, only. Oh, how very wrong-a-rooney you are. Take Harkness Hose, for ince. We were gabbing ‘bout his terribly naughty, enormously pleasing mattress activities with one Princess Gold-Zinger a few weeks ago (One Slut Fits All Blind Vice), remember? Of course you do. Well, H2 is at it again, online, as I feared he’d be. Don’t these public figures realize they’re going to be friggin’ recognized once they do the in-person deed they’ve just sent a gazillion emails to set up? Ah, well, I guess an engorged member has its privileges—like idiocy. Back to H.H.: He’s hardly being true to the Princess, as everybody and his goss-lovin' mama knew would happen. But it’s not just the doggin' round that I’m reporting for this taboo tuchus installment, it’s the accoutrement with which H-babe (who, by the by, has hideous coiffure and clothing tastes) came a-callin' to his latest e-lover. Pull out the licorice-flavored lube, lovahs, and get ready: “Even though he desperately needs a stylist and more hair transplants,” a recent conquest of H.H. relayed, privately, just to yours truly, “when the boy combs his hair and gets naked…POW!” Cowabunga-kinky, love it! But why the pow-points, exactly, I inquired, like the good little dangler digger I happen to be. “Oh, the boy knows his way around the back end,” answered Harkness’ latest electronically arranged Juliet. “Seriously, the boy is a great f--k,” the body-to-body blabber informed moi—both with his own toys as well as the artificially made variety. My very own own little celeb Deep Throat (or should I call her Deep, uh, never mind) assures me that Princess, too, likes this sexual alternative nooky, who knew? Actually, I did! Jeez, how many gals am I gonna have to end up, as it were, writing these kind of Vices about, huh?

And it ain't - Seth Green, Andy Dick, Nick Lachey

August 9, 2007 - One Power Penetrated Blind Vice
Okay, really sorry to keep it up (pardon the penile pun) on this Harkness Hose dude, but I declare, he’s turning out to be another Toothy Tile—only the straight kind! See, while the world breathlessly coos and oohs over H2’s latest hookup with the very regal Princess Gold-Zinger, Harkness lurks the E-zones of lonely, horny women. That’s right: He hooks up, via online, with gals other than PGZ. But, ‘course, I said that already. It’s just that I have a little additional icky info on the back-door sex H.H. lives to talk his normally hesitant honeys into. Yes, yes, yes, even though I’m hearing from heaps o’ gals who prefer the alternative-nooky route (should I publish these communications next week, or would that just make everybody, including my très conservative editor, Stevie R, wanna throw up?), not all gals are so game. And what, exactly, does Mr. Hose do to get his ladies in the mood for the rather painful procedure? Roses and champagne? A million little kisses to every nether region—and not—of his partner’s bod? Sex-ay dirty talk in her ear, along with a little lobe-nibbling? Nah, nothing so amorous. The answer’s far more mechanical, not at all romantic. H2 has them use a battery-operated vibrator on themselves first. Doesn’t even offer to assist in the dirty deed.
Men. If they weren’t so damn handy when ya need a good sausage dinner, I’d say to hell with the lot of ’em.

And it ain't - Brad Pitt, David Arquette, Matthew Perry
Top guesses:
Harkness Hose = Dax Shepard
Princess Gold-Zinger = ?


*** Update August 22, 2009 - Ted says that Kate Hudson has never been a Blind Vice. We thought for sure she was PGZ!!!

* For Princess Gold-Zinger, as of 4/12/10 - Ted has eliminated Sienna Miller, Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, Paris Hilton, Sandra Bullock, Cameron Diaz.

* For Harkness Hose, as of 4/12/10 - Ted has eliminated Brad Pitt, David Arquette, Matthew Perry, Seth Green, Andy Dick, Nick Lachey, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jeremy Piven, David Schwimmer, Josh Hartnett.

24 comments:

blurry vice said...

Just want to point out another reveal by Ted, today. In today's Awful Truth - more proof that Dax Shepard is Harkness Hose.
"Dangling Dax
Kooky comedians choose their careers in comedy ‘cause they need to constantly complain about something. Never seen a stand-up who was supersatisfied with life, have ya? Don’t count on it. ‘Course, most of them were born that way, but that’s another story.

It seems like every funnyperson has less and less to bitch about nowadays—million-dollar paychecks, hit sitcoms and every A-list actress salivating over their every step. Doesn’t seem quite fair to grumble onstage while behind the scenes you’re rolling in a big pile of money with a luscious lady.

Dax Shepard, it appears, knows how to keep everyone from ex Kate Hudson to current cutie Kristen Bell following close behind, and it ain’t his sense of humor. The Punk’d punk, we hear, takes up every opportunity given to him to celebrate his abnormally sized appendage, say those who have X-changed in a variety of fashions with the dude."

Frosty Family said...

I know this BV was ages ago but did anyone catch AT today (8/22):
Dear Ted:
Oh wise and sagacious gossip leader: I used to be a big fan of Kate Hudson, back in the day when she was a cute, up-and-coming actress brimming with personality. These days, however, she seems to care less about her career, family or anything other than just hooking up with lots of random man-whores. Has she ever been a Blind Vice? I hope for her kid's sake that she's not.
—Catty

Dear Kate Rate:
Nope, never. Bit too predictable in the bed hopping, babe. Our vices are far stealthier!

nissivm said...

Dear Ted:
Oh wise and sagacious gossip leader: I used to be a big fan of Kate Hudson, back in the day when she was a cute, up-and-coming actress brimming with personality. These days, however, she seems to care less about her career, family or anything other than just hooking up with lots of random man-whores. Has she ever been a Blind Vice? I hope for her kid's sake that she's not.
—Catty

Dear Kate Rate:
Nope, never. Bit too predictable in the bed hopping, babe. Our vices are far stealthier!

Wow, so Kate isn´t Princess Gold-Zinger?!

blurry vice said...

I know... I am just getting caught up today and read this. We thought for sure that Kate was PGZ. I guess not.

My only hesitation is that this one is SO old that Ted has forgotten about it. ??? But I respect Ted's memory so I guess we were wrong!

blurry vice said...

Please see the other post re: Sandra Bullock being a top guess for this.

However, Sandra and JEsse got together in 2005? This was 2007.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What has Princess Gold-Zinger been up to lately?
—Joan

Dear Oldie but Goodie:
She's been slightly under the radar. Slaying men like usual though, don't worry. She'll be back in the spotlight as soon as one of her next victims is more famous."

- Still sound slike Kate Hudson to me although Ted said she was never a BV.

blurry vice said...

What about Reese Witherspoon for this one? I know she is suspected as Shafterella Shoshstein... but this could possibly fit her also?

The Spie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
blurry vice said...

The Spie -
here is the bitch-back from 10/16/09 in which Ted first said Ewan McGregor was a BV. He does not mention Sandra Bullock or Princess Gold-Zinger. I do not think Sandra is PGZ, but she was never eliminated as her.

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b149200_bitch-back_readers_defend_nikki_jen.html

blurry vice said...

Today -

"Dear Ted:
Your Blind Vice fan blog thinks Princess Gold-Zinger is Sandra Bullock, but I think it's actually Cameron Diaz. Can you please tell me who's right?
–Denise

Dear Zing and a Miss:
Sorry, doll, Cammy is an excellent guess. It could be her, actually, but it's not. Think far less talented than either Bullock or Diaz. But just as feisty!"

Read more: http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b175840_bitch-back_where_tom_cruise.html#ixzz0kuMCq4Y5

blurry vice said...

What about If Harkness Hose is still Dax Shepard, and PGZ is Kristen Bell? I know we all thought this was Kate Hudson, who he was dating at the time. But looking back, he started dating Kristen Bell in 2007. Maybe Ted knew about this gossip first before we did?

Ross Family Five said...

Whenever I hear the phrase "Hollywood Royalty" I think of Drew Barrymore. Any chance she is PGZ? As for the HH AIA's, one could make the leap that AIA Seth Green is a play on the fact that Drew was married to Tom Green...I don't know...I am definitely not the best at these, but like I said, Hollywood Royalty makes me think of someone with quite the bloodlines...like the Barrymore family. Maybe someone else out there can make more sense of the AIAs?

LadyA22 said...

I still think Princess Gold Zinger is Kate Hudson, especially since he mentioned her royal fam....and her mom's name is GOLDie!
Maybe Ted elminated her because it wasn't specifically her BV...

Gabby said...

Am I the only one who thinks this sounds exactly like Jen Aniston?? All the A.I.A.s seem to relate to her in some way...

keyumdi said...

Drew Barrymore

sarah said...

has no one yet mentioned princess gold-zinger = renee zellweger? princess bridget jones has gotten around a fair bunch, (meaning HH could be anyone with that logic...) ; likewise, harkness hose = bradley cooper? the only thing that stood out to me was the reality show comment, but his imdb does list a reality show parody.. hmm.. thoughts?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I am wondering if Judas Jack-Off's "dimpled" girlfriend deserves her own moniker? Is she a celebrity? Also, has Dax Shepard ever been a B.V.?
—Thellama

Dear Threesome:
Judas' GF will never get her own name, yes she is and oh yes he has!"

Tara said...

Ok, so Spie got me thinking about PGZ again. I have a new suggestion. What about Jessica Simpson as Princess? I know she is not first and foremost an actress, or even a decent one as a second career, but Ted does say Cam and Sandy both are way more talented than her, and Jess was concentrating on acting at this time. Ted could have referred to her as an actress because of that and also because Joe Simpson is sue happy, so it kept more ambiguity. She was rumored to be hooking up with Dax in 2007, Employee of the Month was in 2006 and could be HH's mainstream flop (and the two costars embroiled in the scandal would be Dane Cook and none other than Jessica herself). Her public bustup/most famous relationship would of course be her marriage to Nick Lachey and rumors swirled that she cheated. Her loving bad boys would be a reference to all the guys from Jackass that she used to hang with, like Bam Margera & Johnny Knoxville. Her notable fam would be that her sis is famous too.

Now let's not think of Jess in terms of 2010, let's go back to 2007, when she was fresh out of her divorce from Nick, she was still riding the fame wave from her popular Newlyweds show, and she was consistently covered by the tabs and gossip tv.

The Spie said...

Tara: I'll buy in to that suggestion if you can come up with an alternative for Impenna Never-Trated, because that one seems dead on for Simpson.

Tara said...

I am currently working on this. It sure is harder to find a replacement than it is to pinpoint JS on this one.......

chibbs said...

If this isn't Kate Hudson, this could definitely be Drew Barrymore... She is from a long line of famous actors, has had a string of famous relationships (her most famous -- Tom Green or Fabrizio Moretti?), is a natural blonde ("gold"-Z)and played Cinderella in "Ever after" (hence the"princess"moniker, and perhaps the *just right* phrase at the end... conjures up fairy tale again). Also, the and it ain'ts mention Halle Berry (could be a pun on "Barry{more}).

Who is Harkness Hose if it is Drew Barrymore? Maybe Spike Jonze? They dated in 2007. Jonze starred as himself in the early nineties in "Jackass" (reality show). After that he acted in "Three Kings" (box-office flop, but his most famous role) -- Three Kings would go nicely with the "Princess" theme (King/Princess) and Mark Whalberg & George Clooney (his co-stars in that film) have been in the Tabloids a lot. Spike Jonze also has thin, messy hair, and could probably use a stylist.


If not Barrymore/Jonze...maybe Kristen Bell/Dax Shepard? Although she does not have any family connections, or a long list of famous relationships. HOWEVER, he did date Ione Skye around the same time who has many many famous family connections... but I don't know how well the other stuff fits...

Tara said...

Harkness is so obviously Dax from all the clues, but can PGZ be that easy?! I thought about Kristen before, but maybe that deserves a BB probe to see if the couple are still technically together.

I have tried to find a replacement for Impenna but it is not happening:( She just fits too well.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Kristen Bell seems a very sweet, funny and hardworking young lady. What is she doing with Dax Shepard? Wasn't he a Blind or "prominently" featured in one?
—Rita

Dear Ring a Bell:
Bingo on all things Bell...truly dig this chick. And hate to say it, but I'm superexcited for You Again. Looks a bit corny, but it boasts a truly impressive cast. As for Dax, well, sure he's got some Vicey secrets, but that doesn't mean he's a horrible dude. Plus, he's got that whole sense-of-humor thing working for him. Girls dig that, right?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Love you lots! I just saw the video of Kristen Bell on Ellen and her reaction to the sloth was just priceless. My question is: Does she have a Vice or any

Vicey behavior? I love her and think she seems to be a great person.
—Megan

Dear Slow and Steady:
That vid was too. Friggin. Cute. So I'm happy to inform you that what you see is what you get with K.Bell. She's Vice-free. Can't say the same for her

fiancé, though. Not. At. All.

Dear Ted:
Please tell me Ted, I have to know! Is Dax Shepard's Vice something that Kristen Bell—or K.Bell (lovin' that nickname!)—knows about? And would it upset the

marriage apple cart if she did?
—Danni

Dear Till Vice Do Us Part:
In that order: Probably and probably not. If she's gotten this far in the relaysh without worrying about it, a ring ain't gonna change anything."

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