Buzzfoto blind item #250
Not Michelle Trachtenberg.
We got an email this weekend from someone claiming to have once been good friends with this B List Actor. They have since parted ways, but this incident apparently happened two years ago. The B Lister was in love and wanted to get married to the girl we was dating at the time. He said he had never met a girl like her and was completely head over heels. Even though he is a full grown adult, he has what we’ll call some ‘mommy issues.’ The reason why a wedding never happened or has never happened is because this actor’s mother is extremely controlling and extremely involved in his life. She has broken up any real relationship the star has ever had and is so meddling and controlling, he still calls her almost every day, usually to be berated and criticized. The source says that no matter what, mommy dearest’s opinion comes first. Always.
Not Justin Timberlake.
One Missed Missy Blind Vice - April 2007
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when (repeatedly) we homos deceive. Guess what? I’ve got a same-sex Blind Vice comin’ atcha in...seconds! Such the surprise from moi, I know.
There’s a very, very famous fruit in town. But, oh bro, is he evuh talented at making his myriad fans think he prefers the femmes. This Vice ain’t ‘bout the boy, though, it’s about the poor woman this guy utilized for his nefarious, i.e., press-release, purposes.
Virginal Vamp is a doll—and I mean that in the least plastic way possible. V2’s the best at conjuring up sexy little do-me thoughts while wearing the cutest little proper lacy things in her flicks, which, for the most part, are always on the classy side. She’s the het man’s dream fantasy: somebody he can take home to mama but boff in the broom closet while the hors d’oeuvres are being fetched.
Therefore, it was hardly a surprise when folks working for an infamous fruit who has often appeared in this very missive rang up V.V. for the most exciting role of her lifetime: to play said fagola’s real-life girlfriend! Done deal if she wanted, V. was told. Just call us back to seal the whispered doings, she was told eagerly.
Virginal was so excited, she actually thought about it for...22 seconds.
But, alas, Miz Vee was leaning against it and, just as she was about to ring back and probably decline to those who had parlayed the pooftah plan, word spread in electronic and old-fashioned scandal sheets alike. Seems another actress besides Virginal had decided to take the job (for her own desultory reasons).
Count your blessings, Virg! ‘Cause the only thing worse than going out with a guy who does ya and then ignores ya is going out with a guy who doesn’t do ya and ignores ya!
And it ain't: Anne Hathaway, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johanssen
One Squat-Ready Blind Vice - May 2006
Dubba Do-Me better put in a call to Jenny Craig; he's that out of shape. The young boys he secretly favors are bitchin'--and so are the big shots who maintain his hetero-hot image.
Toothy Tile has some clandestine company these days, and I'm not just referring to those starry dudes who are dangling soclose to suddenly revealed homo-card territory. Not at all.
Ya see, Dubba Do-Me has been right out there, for years, walking that tightrope of pretend-hetero public infatuation, (mostly) stellar entertainment delivery and private-trainer poking, among other closely paid companions.
Yes, yes, yes, said trainers are boys, all boys. They're the ones who secretly visit D.D.-M. on his myriad film sets, where Dubba's trailers always resemble many homes on the Great Plains, size- and price-wise.
But don't get me wrong here, sweetcakes--we're not talkin' alleged Michael Jackson stuff, uh-uh. Let's just say Mr. Do-Me prefers guys younger than him. Much.
Is this all such a big deal? Not really. But I suspect it will be, as more and more (two this week alone, that I'm aware of) have started complaining so damn loudly about having to peddle Do-Me's false image that they're getting mucho restless. Especially now that D.'s bitchin' bod ain't exactly what it used to be.
In other words, get ready for Emperor Do-Me's clothes to become transparent rather quickly.
And it ain't: Frankie Muniz, Eddie Murphy, Kurt Russell
One Four-Footed Blind Vice - April 2005
This is a good one. Sorry, no sex acts to speak of, but the big-star shenanigans you're about to read are orgasmic and de-lish in my baddie book.
Glistening Gunther, like Naughty Nina last week, happens to be one of my faves. He's a more than decent actor (quite unlike N2), but Gunther's personal life leaves much to be desired. Like his ability--or lack thereof--to seduce women.
Sally Ridden is as red hot as they come, career-wise. Man-wise, it's a diff story but not really the point of this Blind tale. So, G.G. is in one of his moods, which means he thinks he's actually straight for a day. He calls up S.R., asks for a date.
She declines. He calls again--at 3 in the ayem. Dude, not even straight guys get it at that hour, what the hell are you thinkin'? So, Glistening then ups the anti-courting ante and sends, to Sally's latest movie set, exotic creatures she's supposed to get a kick out of feeding. Uh, Gunth, not really Sally's appetite--to say the least.
Sal was beside herself with being "creeped out," she told one of her closest girlfriends, who--thank heavens--saw fit to repeat it to moi.
Earth to G-squared: Quit the imitation-het stuff, it doesn't work. Women are not circus animals. And you're not Siegfried & Roy (yet).
And it ain't: Lucy Liu/Owen Wilson, Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt, Penelope Cruz/Matthew McConaughey
One Rock Hudson Blind Vice - January 2005
A nanosecond after she splits with her better half, Slippery Polly's got a sapphic sweetie--Pussy Pat
First, the query I'm asked the most (and, no, I'm afraid I can't answer "eight inches," just like Robin Williams did backstage at the Globes when I told him there was a question I was dying to ask him--which was why Brad 'n' Jen broke up, not what Robin had in mind!) is true: The answer to each week's Blind Vice lies within each column.
Secondly, some things never change. Like parading around a wife or girlfriend, just because that's what the public wants to see, when, in reality, you're a same-sex kinda creature, just like ol' Rock was.
Well, so is Slippery Polly, gotta tell ya. Howevuh, So Obvious Polly will soon be her name if she doesn't start watching it, I mean, really. See, S.P. recently left her partner. And quicker than you could say, "I like the lesbian life!" Ms. Slip hooked up with Pussy Pat, somebody not a few folks know is more interested in Polly's press-release capabilities than any moans or sweet-nothings Poll-babe might be releasing at beddie time. As friggin' if!
Now, not only is Polly getting messier and messier with her manic drive for anybody butch who wears a bra (Pussy not included), but P2 is now starting to wander as well, and--my guess--we're gonna be seeing yet another fake hookup or marriage generated by Polly none too soon. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice to deceive, huh?
And it ain't: Portia DeRossi, Whitney Houston, Nicole Kidman
One Bodily Fluid Blind Vice - January 19, 2006
I think we use the phrase drama queen too much. Like, it's totally lost its meaning. Which is too bad, because Vamperella Vein-Pop is, like, the only babe I can think of who seriously deserves to be crowned DQ of Hollywood. (Yep, Ashlee Simpson you ain't got nothing on the wanton one.)
So, get this. Ms. V-P managed to find herself a nice, non-famous boyfriend. We'll call him Rock Helmet. Now, Vamperella wasn't taking Rock to red carpet events and stuff--but he sure was treating her right whenever she got the hardened itch (which was far less than her saucy image lets on). But, V.V-P. is so damn competitive, I bet there's only one guy in the freakin' universe she'd condescend to be seen in public with.
Yep, the one, the only, the perpetually full of preening pizzazz studmuffin of more than a few past Blind Vices, Slick Brick.
But here's the thing. Basically, every babe in the world wants to do Slick. So, even though Rock's a major babe, it's not like the competition for name S.B. ain't fierce.
Yet, as it happens, the competitive Vamperella managed to score herself a few romps in the sack with Mr. B. Impressive? Sort of. But it's not like these two have gone--or are going to go public. Which must be killing image-conscious Vein-Pop. Like, I bet she makes mock-up magazine covers that feature the two of them embraced, Jen and Vince style.
Wait. Did you forget all about Rock? Well, of course you did, sillies. Because so did Vamperella, once she got a bite out of the Slickster!
Yep, in classic, passive-aggressive fashion, Vein-Pop just totally blew off poor Rock. Still, the non-famous fella called. And called again. So one day, she finally agreed to see the dude, acting as if it she gave a damn. But once Rock came over, Vamperella called up Slicky and handed the phone over to Mr. Helmet, who then had to hear the six words no dude wants to hear:
"Uh, yeah, sure. We slept together."
We can report that Rock has recovered and will prolly avoid high-strung actresses in the future. And much as we'd like to confirm that Vamperella and Brick are banging up a storm and keeping their shared enclave's nabes up all night, we cannot. He prefer boys, in the end.
And yes, both Vamperella and Slick have appeared in the column this week.
And it ain't: Kristin Davis/Alec Baldwin, Kirsten Dunst/Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan/Jared Leto
One Overshot Blind Vice - May 2007
Where do we start? When are folks gonna realize that blowin' out your brain cells with booze, dope and doofus doings ain't exactly the best way to go? Prolly never. But what the hell, that's not gonna stop me from tellin' on Whore-tense Past-tense, the country's latest glossy victim in chemically enhanced career descent.
Whore-hon—such the doll. Well, I never thought she was, but lotsa other folks sure did. Always found W.T. to be a bit o' a fake onscreen, not to mention in real life. I mean, who else would date a gay man for years just to get herself more in the tabloids? I know, I know, half of Hollywood's female population, but you get my point. Also, forgive moi, but I never really found Ms. P., with all of her kooky outfits, to be all that attractive—and I think that's largely because, deep down inside, Whorey was projecting nothing but a desperation to find the next heroin fix.
Which she always has found—much to the chagrin of Whore-baby's current group o' hangers-on. And, trust, when a bunch of nobody poseurs who leech on to a star's fading wattage just to get attention start worrying for their so-called friend's welfare, that amiga's gotta be in pretty pitiful shape. And Past-tense sure is.
So much so, in W.'s increasingly notorious state of euphoric Hell-Ay horniness, she's screwing busboys here, waiters there, car parkers, too—and she never stops to think that these (almost always skinny) dudes just might talk. 'Course, they haven't (yet), but W.T.'s buds sure as ef have. And the only other thing that's got these ultra-classy hangers-on—not to mention W.T. watchers—gabbing as much would be Ms. Pee's skeletal frame. For your next meal, hon, you might try a noodle, not a needle.
And it ain't: Beyonce Knowles, Courtney Love, Kate Bosworth
One Needling Blind Vice - Nov 2005
You can't take the SAT with a Bic pen. And you can't swing a drug test on heroin. Too bad Gloria Good-Hag didn't know that.
Gloria Good-Hag has a great career. She's also quite adept at bedding her leading men, most notably Bill Bisexual (Gloria's most recent 300-count-style notch). But is it the dudes who interest the lithe sexpot the most?
No way. And no--this ain't yet another homo-laden nooky story--it's not the girls, either, who do it for Glor. It's the horsies.
Not the gambling kind, darlin's, the shoot-'em-up kind, as in smack. Horse. Heroin.
And just in case you didn't know, heroin happens to be so in right now. Forget painkillers (too Michael J.) or porno (too Tom S.). It's all about the high one gets from snorting or shooting this incredibly potent--and addictive--opiate. Heaven help the guys 'n' gals who are currently obsessed with the stuff, most recently Jordache Junky, the star who screwed the cater-waiter in One Step-by-Skanky-Step Blind Vice a coupla weeks ago.
Gloria's more crisp, more aloof than emotional Jordache. She's also more stupid, have to say. The ditzo broad didn't even know how to fool the standard insurance drug testing on her last glossy pic, Isn't Life Seamless?, and she turned up positive for heroin.
Consequently, Isn't's producers had to pay double the premium on Gloria's skinny little bum. And let's say these suits were about as pleased with this development as Isn't's makeup artists were each morning with Gloria's puss.
Enough concealer to make Joan Rivers youthful again was required for the bags under Gloria's strung-out eyes. Particularly since Isn't's makeup look was something akin to a White Linen photo shoot.
And it ain't: Maggie Gyllanhaal, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes
It was mystifying several years ago why she was hyped the way she was hyped. Just another starlet with no real significant starring vehicles somehow ending up with a prestigious magazine cover proclaiming her as the next It. Well It never happened. And after all this time and a string of failures, she’s been trying to change the course. So she’s gone back to the major player who tried to make it happen for her the first time. There was an arrangement back then – her sexual services for his professional services – and apparently the same arrangement was resurrected recently in the hopes that she’ll finally confirm a juicy role to kickstart a stagnant career.
Never mind that he’s married. His wife benefits handsomely from his generosity and while he may not fulfill her with fidelity, he certainly makes up for it through client exchange. Probably better that way. And given what he looks like, it totally makes sense. But he is a legend in the business b
oth for his accomplishments and for the way he leads these ladies to their accomplishments, counting a couple of award winners and a few box office heavyweights on his resumé…which is why he quickly tired of our poor girl and discarded her.
But not before drying her out. One day late summer, they were joined in a hotel suite by a third gentleman (identity insignificant), both of them enjoying her as she allowed herself to be taken, and, um, decorated appropriately, all for a reward at the end of the session – the privilege of simply looking at a script, no promise, no confirmation…just an advance read. And a suggestion to show up at a premiere for a few introductions. She is so desperate, it’s been so meagre, she submitted to the humiliation although gamely seems to have enjoyed it. An actor a
fter all, obviously able to shut out her husband and child waiting for her back at home.
And then he just cut it off. Told her he could no longer help her. That her body in his bed was no longer required. Which of course only added to her degradation. She tried and tried to offer up more, willing to engage in further depravity, but was only met with rejection. Because he’s moved on. He’s hunting his next target. A young, nubile, blonde babe with a large profile and a perky rack who so far has been able to resist his advances but is trying to graduate from supporting roles in film, as the fact that she’s a headliner on the small screen has not helped with the quality of scripts she’s being offered, or with many of her auditions so far. She’s currently waiting on a big break and he’s trying to make sure it doesn’t happen, so that in her disappointment, she’ll come running to him, ready to wheel and deal.
Note: there are 4 famous names at play – the reject, the replacement, the power player, and his wife.
One Poor Me Blind Vice - June 1, 2005
Melba Toasted may know how to get a primo paycheck, but the poor brat just can't seem to get a friggin' break, nonetheless. Boo-hoo.
Ever since Melba's man, Devon Heaven, decided he wanted less wasted pastures (bedroom- and life-wise), Melba has simply been a wreck. I mean, what's a jilted princess to do? Start writing a column called "Dear Jennifer"? Doubt Melba's thought of anything so tacky--or common.
'Cause we got ourselves a royal weepy one here, fer sure. See, Devon's wrong, Toasted's agents are wrong, the bartender's wrong, everybody's effing up but Melba-doll. Hey, M., think about it for a sec: Ever wonder if maybe, just maybe, you and your nose-bleed baddie ways had something (even if just a tad) to do with why the more intimate members of your existence seem to be abandoning you right now?
Well, everybody except desperate relations (and percentage peeps), 'course.
Girlfriend P.S.: Oh, and the stalking you've been caught pulling on Devon and his new honey? Ain't pretty. You're just getting too old for tacky teenybopper bullcrap.
And it ain't: Drew Barrymore, Mischa Barton, Kirsten Dunst
Update 12/23 - Lainey has eliminated Robert Pattinson.
No one will tell him he sucks
There’s a dirtier riddle coming later in the week but here’s an easy quickie for now.
He wants this so badly, to be taken seriously as an actor. But on the set of his new movie, everyone is baffled. By how terrible he is. Like laughably terrible. The worst timing, the most awkward line reads, cheesy expressions… at this point it’s become a fun work-time activity: watch him get through a scene, feel the fontrum for him while he sucks it so hard so obliviously, giggle your tits off later because he walks around thinking he is the sweetest sh-t ever.
There’s an ego involved, of course, and he actually thinks he’s doing a good job, that he is gifted in this discipline too. Please. He is not gifted. And his lack of gifts in this respect could cost the entire production. The weakest link drags it all down. Which is why people are mystified that the director has not bothered to fix it. Like suggesting more classes, like pushing his coach, like replacing him with someone who can actually do it? None of the above. Word is, he’ll make the corrections in post by greatly reducing the role. Unless there’s a miracle and suddenly Cate Blanchett comes out of his ass to save the day. Not likely.
Blind Vice: Which Vampire's Batty for Boys?
No wonder so many gay men are gossip columnists: All these supposedly "straight" stars are constantly cruising us (and our friends) for sex!
And the latest celeb to daringly do so is one of the biggest, hunkiest vampire sensations out there right now. So much so, even I was shocked when a bud of mine, who gets off hunting around Griffith Park—a notorious area of L.A. where homosexual sex in the woods is rampant and a constant annoyance to the police—enjoyed what you're about to read.
Nelly Fang is as hot as he is adored by his millions of fans. His smoldering looks are talked about just as much as (if not more so than) his red-hot acting talents.
Nelly simply smolders onscreen, what with his trance-like gaze and lithe, mildly muscled bod, which he keeps in shape by jogging through Griffith Park, wearing shorts but no...
...underwear, oh my!
I wonder if that's because Nelly likes to be extra-free to whip it out, just in case he needs to take a whiz? Nah.
More likely, that lack of clothing constraint is due entirely to Nelly's penchant for stopping a guy who catches his fancy on the trail so he can lure his conquest to a hidden path and then have hot, hot, hot sex under the sun! Something Fang's now done with my friend not once, but twice!
Love it! And people say Tiger's a slut! So glad Woods isn't the only celeb who's being supernaughty these days, what a relief.
"He's a real talker, too," adds Nelly's lucky path partner. "He kept saying, 'Yeah, do it, yeah, you like that, don't you, yeah, you like my ass?' "
Oh my. If only Nelly's gazillions of girlie worshippers could hear him talk. They'd either try to convert him or tell him to start talking dirty to them—or they'd stop being his fan—or both.
By the way, I'm sure if you've made it this far, you'll want to know the rest of the dirty deets, which are: Yes, Nelly's endowed (longer than wider, to be precise), and yes, he's a very neat boy down there.
"Very groomed," was how Mr. Fang's private parts were further described to me. Or to be even more precise (and gay): "Manscaped."
Hmmm. How very interesting, as this body-maintenance routine doesn't match the sometimes slightly grungy image Nelly likes to show off to the very unknowing public.
And it ain't: Kellan Lutz, Brad Pitt, Ryan Kwanten
Straight Dudes Stand Up for Toothy TileSomething our dear, closeted Toothy Tile most certainly does not share with his also-in-the-closet brethren like Lloyd Boy-Toyed, Crotch Uh-Lastic and Jackie Bouffant is a virtual cornucopia of straight buds.
I don't mean the pretend kind, but the ones you never see Toothy photographed with. Yeah, you heard me right: These are heterosexual bros with whom Toothy loves to shoot the shit, have a few brews, talk about the broads, all that 100-percent-cotton American man stuff Toothy just can't seem to let go from his, like, totally gay life.
OK, it's cool, I have tons (maybe a few) gay friends who are completely into the SUVs/watching sports/unshowered thing, maybe it's not so completely weird that Toothy's wired that way a little, too?
But what's wacko is when these boy-buds o' Toothy's start, shockingly...
...coming to the put-upon pooftah's defense! At parties! At bars! At ball games! At beach barbecues! It's getting friggin' hi-larious!
And no, these dudes who actually do know Toothy rather well are not defending Mr. Tile's very publicized fauxmance and whether or not it's legitimate, hardly.
Nope, instead, they're busy saying, as of late, that Toothy and his man are doin' just fine, thank you, and further more, "They're the real thing." These het amigos like to tell this to anybody who starts talking crap about their good friend.
Backstabbing gossip gets these hetero friends of Toothy's so very riled up, they've lately been stating how "in love" Mr. and Mr. Toothy Tile happen to be right now. So there!
Wow. With friends like that, who needs gossip columns? But ain't it nice to now how truly true-blue Toothy is?
I knew it all along, didn't you?
I mean, come on, I would never have given a hateful scum-schmuck such press. Toothy's cool. Just currently a bit lost.
And it ain't: James Marsden, Kellan Lutz, Javier Bardem
Blind Vice: Is America Ready for Butter's Supershocker?Update 5/18/11 - Ted has eliminated Hillary Clinton, Fergie, Hilary Swank, Whoopi Goldberg, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Dolly Parton, Diane Lane, Jessica Biel, Martha Stewart, Chelsea Handler, Nicole Kidman, Katy Perry, Whitney Houston, Kirstie Alley.
Interesting past couple of weeks: Adam Lambert pushes the sexuality envelope by tonguing a guy on national TV, and the world cries yuck. But chicks such as Britney Spears, Madonna, and Tila Tequila do the same and everyone thinks it's just so dangerously sexy. Double standard, anybody? Yeah, what else is new in antigay America?
In this very same sexually and politically charged media firestorm, megaceleb Butter Pussy is charting her next career choice privately.
It's no secret folks have wondered, in varying degrees, whether Butter rides the gay or straight bus (some insist she's a regular passenger on both), and she's certainly had her own battle with goss headlines in the past regarding her sexuality.
But now Butter's decided to...
Go against what all of her friends and professional advisors have been hammering at her for years not to do:
She's decided to come out as a gay woman!
Butter is terribly encouraged by Ellen DeGeneres' success with celebrating her love for Portia de Rossi while still maintaining (hell, even increasing!) her celebrity relevance. And this is very dear to Butter's heart, even though many think the multitalent's really only been in the Biz all these years just for the bucks.
What's far trickier for Ms. P. is just what to do about the man and large extended family in her life. She's far more concerned how this announcement will affect them, not her. After all, money isn't necessarily that big of an issue anymore, but Pussy's exceedingly aware her future financial coffers might be adversely affected by this scandalous planned press conference. And that's giving her tremendous pause at the moment.
Will all the ol' reliably closeted machinery of Hollywood win out in the end—and Butter will continue to maintain her (fairly) discreet preference for the chicks?
It's a fascinating dilemma. Particularly if Butter continues her super-risky habit of feeling up well-heeled babes under the table at all those fancy dinner parties she goes to.
And it ain't: Hillary Clinton, Fergie, Hilary Swank