Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Vintage BV - Virginal Vamp

OK one more vintage for today...

One Missed Missy Blind Vice - April 2007

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when (repeatedly) we homos deceive. Guess what? I’ve got a same-sex Blind Vice comin’ atcha in...seconds! Such the surprise from moi, I know.

There’s a very, very famous fruit in town. But, oh bro, is he evuh talented at making his myriad fans think he prefers the femmes. This Vice ain’t ‘bout the boy, though, it’s about the poor woman this guy utilized for his nefarious, i.e., press-release, purposes.

Virginal Vamp is a doll—and I mean that in the least plastic way possible. V2’s the best at conjuring up sexy little do-me thoughts while wearing the cutest little proper lacy things in her flicks, which, for the most part, are always on the classy side. She’s the het man’s dream fantasy: somebody he can take home to mama but boff in the broom closet while the hors d’oeuvres are being fetched.

Therefore, it was hardly a surprise when folks working for an infamous fruit who has often appeared in this very missive rang up V.V. for the most exciting role of her lifetime: to play said fagola’s real-life girlfriend! Done deal if she wanted, V. was told. Just call us back to seal the whispered doings, she was told eagerly.

Virginal was so excited, she actually thought about it for...22 seconds.

But, alas, Miz Vee was leaning against it and, just as she was about to ring back and probably decline to those who had parlayed the pooftah plan, word spread in electronic and old-fashioned scandal sheets alike. Seems another actress besides Virginal had decided to take the job (for her own desultory reasons).

Count your blessings, Virg! ‘Cause the only thing worse than going out with a guy who does ya and then ignores ya is going out with a guy who doesn’t do ya and ignores ya!


And it ain't: Anne Hathaway, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johanssen


Also eliminated: Mandy Moore, Natalie Portman

35 comments:

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Missed Missy, hmmm...so, Tom Cruise asked Kate Hudson before he asked Katie Holmes? Prolly why he calls her Kate now. And I always thought Jessica Alba was his first choice. What was I thinkin', dude?
P.S. You are smart and funny; can't remember the last guy who created a new language; think it was Danny Webster, maybe.
Jean
Springfield, Illinois

Dear Detective Dollface:
Thanks for the fab props, hon, but you're way off with your Blind Vice ventures. The guy Virginal Vamp was considering was most def not Tommy C. Think less crazy, more low-key and even cuter."

blurry vice said...

"Ted:
Is Virginal Vamp Mandy Moore?
Katrina
Honolulu

Dear So No:
Nah, little Ms. Mandycakes was never on the g-friend list for the bachelor in question, trust. Seems that he prefers blondes for his beards, if that helps."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Virginal Vamp just has to be Natalie Portman.
Mark
Manchester, U.K.

Dear Brit Wonderer:
Trust, that girl's not half as vampy as her celluloid colleagues. Not even close. Think more boy-magnet material, and not quite as coiffure daring."

Rachel said...

Rachel Bilson took the bait, who's the one who rejected it?

Rachel said...

N/M, I answered my own question, I think it's Mena Suvari.

pomme said...

Rachel Bilson is the one person i think

Anonymous said...

Ted eliminated Tom Cruise, so the guy has got to be Toothy. (Ted says he prefers blondes...hi Reese.) Not sure who the girl is though. Mena Suvari may be a good guess

duffgrl said...

I agree this could be Toothy/Reese. I don't see the girl who didn't take the bait being Mena Suvari-she is very rocker-ish and no one would have bought them together. Some other blonde...Scarlett J?

Anonymous said...

Emma Watson maybe?

pomme said...

@anonymous :it's an old BI(2006) so Emma Watson was too young

Anonymous said...

it's old so it's obviously jake/reese... and they posted this b/c they just broke up.

Anonymous said...

what about taylor lautner, taylor swift and selena gomez?

Anonymous said...

What about bradley cooper, rene & Aniston. There were the rumors about him dating Jen then that fizzled and he "picked" rene???
I'm just not sold on his gayness yet....

Anonymous said...

duffgirl I agree. ScarJo is prob a way better guess than Mena Suvari.

Rachel said...

Was Bradley Cooper with Aniston in 2007? I like that guess, it's a good one.

Anonymous said...

okay, never mind. I didn't see Scarlett was one of the AIAs.

Anonymous said...

it's a blonde girl who would look good with jake G. I'm not sure though.

julieb said...

Strong argument for the guy being Jake G. From PEOPLE April 23, 2007:

"What began as an on-set flirtation has turned into romance for Rendition costars Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal."

Anonymous said...

rachel mcadams

Anonymous said...

Read the AIA:s!
ALL AIA:s (well, Hathaway and Johanssen) are Hollywood top notch young females.
Biel was supposed to be the next big thing.
1) This points to a female of at least equal (fame if not skill)status, like A-, and movies, not television.
2) To make the girlfriend career attractive (role of her lifetime) to a B++/A-/aspiring A/whatever, the man in question must be A, or even A+.
Or very much breaking/in media everywhere/the next big thing as of early 2007 - not necessarily as an actor (see below).
Both Johanssen and Hathaway do very well on their own, and don't need career boosts. It wouldn't excite either, if say, one of the Lost/TrueBlood/Fringe/Heroes/CSI guys called. Or someone far down the Twilligt ladder.
Now, the equals of Clooney/diCaprio, that'd be different... Red Carpet Power!
3) Johanssen was approached for the Mrs Cruise part but ran away screaming. And TC was - surprise - excluded as the man. (Correct fame-level, I believe, even if our man is more low-key.)
4) Biel did take the GirlFriend Career train with J Timberlake - who is definitively A++ list
- just not as an actor. Which is probably two reasons why Biel is an AIA since she does not reach the fame level of the others.
5) And: nowhere does it say that our man is an actor.
He could be a musician, an athlete, a TV-personality...
But everyone would recognize his name and know his face.
Perhaps even your mom.
6) The Hathaway AIA bothers me. There's something more to than than establishing the fame level.
But whatever. The old biddy Ted is probably making up fairytales as usual.

EverSoCurious said...

Anna Faris, perhaps?

Anonymous said...

I'll bet it was Rachel McAdams. She walked out on a Vanity Fair cover shoot when they told her it would be nude, so all the wholesomeness stuff fits.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, Orlando Bloom as the fruit? His people were casting around for a Bosworth replacement & then Tom Cruise also approached Bosworth as a possible Mrs C. She went screaming back to Camp Bloom (Ha. no pun intended) & revived the romance. For a while. Bloom is a fussy bearder - he has to like the beardee. Or maybe he's just not that good of an actor and he definitely prefers blondes. Especially clean looking ones as he can ignore the drugs or the eating disorders but not the hygiene. Either way, this sounds like them but am not sure who VV was. One of those girls he was rumored to be dating?

crila16 said...

Renee Z. and Bradley Cooper? The other girl who was going to take the job was Jen A?

The Spie said...

crila16: This is a vintage blind. I don't think Squinty and BCoop were together in late 2006 - early 2007.

FemmeFatale said...

I'm gonna say Rachel McAdams, since my original guess (N Portman) was already eliminated by the time I read this. Maybe Bilson and Hayden being the couple that did form?

Gabby said...

Kirsten Dunst gets my vote.

mcab said...

I think it is Kate Hudson and A-rod, even though they arent together anymore. Madonna could have been the one ready to take her place.

blurry vice said...

crila and mcab-

This is an old item from 2007. The people you are guessing do not apply to that time frame.

BROOKE said...

If it's not Toothy and another actor, could the actress be Michelle Williams? Wasn't she separated from Heath during that time? I don't think she would date Toothy considering Heath and him were really good friends. IDK, but we know she is blonde. Who are pretty well known actresses with blonde hair? Did it say she was pretty young? Cameron Diaz...I have no clue for this one and am just throwing out guesses. Trying to remember who was popular back then. Also, I think the girl seems a kind of nice and a little wholesome and I think that would exclude ScarJo.

BROOKE said...

Still wondering who this could be..What about Brittany Snow? Although I don't think she's on the same caliber as the AIA's so it's probably not her. Let's start a list of blonde actresses who would of been well known or up and coming in 2007.

1.Michelle Williams
2. Kate Hudson
3. Kate Bosworth
4. Cameron Diaz
5. Hayden P.
6. ScarJo
7. Rachel McAdams (although would you really consider her hair blonde? I know she was at one time, but it's more brown now)
8. Brittany Snow
9. Maggie Grace
10. Kirsten Dunst
11. Charlize Theron
12. Reese W.

Okay, now who wears lacy things in her movies? Who would you consider sort of wholesome, someone you could bring home to mom but still seems vampy.
Brittany Snow wore lingerie in Jon Tucker must die, Michelle Williams got down to her undies in BBM and Deception. We all know ScarJo got her start wearing undies in Lost in Translation.
Also want to throw this in, whoever this guy is he prefers blondes so Rachel/Hayden C. do not fit b/c Rachel is most def. not a blonde. Also Jenn Anniston is not what I would consider a blonde either. Anna Paquin wasn't a blonde until True Blood which wasn't going on in 2007. However, the word Vamp in Virginal Vamp makes me think Vampire type movies. This one has got me puzzled...

wildguess said...

What about shia labeouf and carey mulligan. She dyed her hair blonde and he has a beard.

Just a wild guess.

blurry vice said...

wildguess -

This is a vintage item from 2007.

000m said...

The "proper lacy things" in classy flicks makes me think of period pieces - and Keira Knightley is definitely been down that road in most of her flicks. Het guys really like her; she's posh ("hors d’oeuvres"); she's in the same age group and fame level as the AIA's; and also there's the alliteration VV - KK.

But is she blonde? I guess she's been blonde-ish at times...?

Elizabeth said...

Kiera Knightly -- has been confirmed as vice. The clues fit her types of films

ad