Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Vintage BV - Dubba Do-Me

Hmm, found another Tom Cruise suspect...

One Squat-Ready Blind Vice - May 2006

Dubba Do-Me better put in a call to Jenny Craig; he's that out of shape. The young boys he secretly favors are bitchin'--and so are the big shots who maintain his hetero-hot image.

Toothy Tile has some clandestine company these days, and I'm not just referring to those starry dudes who are dangling soclose to suddenly revealed homo-card territory. Not at all.

Ya see, Dubba Do-Me has been right out there, for years, walking that tightrope of pretend-hetero public infatuation, (mostly) stellar entertainment delivery and private-trainer poking, among other closely paid companions.

Yes, yes, yes, said trainers are boys, all boys. They're the ones who secretly visit D.D.-M. on his myriad film sets, where Dubba's trailers always resemble many homes on the Great Plains, size- and price-wise.

But don't get me wrong here, sweetcakes--we're not talkin' alleged Michael Jackson stuff, uh-uh. Let's just say Mr. Do-Me prefers guys younger than him. Much.

Is this all such a big deal? Not really. But I suspect it will be, as more and more (two this week alone, that I'm aware of) have started complaining so damn loudly about having to peddle Do-Me's false image that they're getting mucho restless. Especially now that D.'s bitchin' bod ain't exactly what it used to be.

In other words, get ready for Emperor Do-Me's clothes to become transparent rather quickly.

And it ain't: Frankie Muniz, Eddie Murphy, Kurt Russell

Also eliminated: Michael Douglas, Alec Baldwin, Kevin Spacey, Will Smith, Ricky Martin, George Clooney, Vin Diesel, Kevin Costner, Jared Leto

Top suspects: Tom Cruise, John Travolta


blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Dubba Do-Me has got to be either Michael Douglas or Alec Baldwin. I'd think Alec more so than Michael, but you never know (well, you do, of course!). Please let me know. You never answer me. It makes me sad.
Lyn T.
High Point, North Carolina

Dear Sob Story:
Cry me a raunchy river, babe! Sometimes when I don't answer or post a letter, it's because (gasp!) you actually might have guessed correctly, and I gotta cover my own behind. But this week, you're way off. Think better bod, babe. On both. Speaking of fine muscles....

Dear Ted:
Is Dubba Do-Me possibly Kevin Spacey? He has always given off that strange vibe of sexual uncertainty.

Dear Det. Vague:
Gosh, ya think so? Regardless, ain't the guy who has a knack for getting into weird, late-night snafus with cell phones in parks full of loiterers.

Dear Ted:
Is Dubba Do-Me Will Smith? I know he has an enormous trailer...

Dear Ice Cold:
Will may have a huge-butt Winnebago, but that's about all he has in common with Dubba! Way off.

Dear Ted:
Could Dubba Do-Me be Ricky Martin? Never hear about him hanging out with any females.

Dear La Answer Loca:
We all know Ricky can shake his sweet bon-bon, but this Dubba dude can't dance. Not even.

Dear Ted:
I initially thought Dubba Do-Me was Tom Cruise, but that would be too obvious. Is it George Clooney?
Sarah Tosone
Atlanta, Georgia

Dear Out of Sight:
No. Think infinitely less genuine.

Dear Ted:
Dubba Do-Me has to be Vin Diesel. I have no doubt in my mind.

Dear Smarty Panties:
You might have no doubt, but you got no certainty, either. Dubba ain't Vin-babe. Think smaller muscles, more hair. Much. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
My guess for Dubba Do-Me is Kevin Costner. He usually gives stellar entertainment performances, and also, didn't he recently have a scandal regarding an encounter at a spa?
Laura H.

Dear All Wet:
Close but no happy ending, my sweet! Costner ain't the correct wolf, sorry. Think just as talented but further from the Oscar gold. Much.

Dear Ted:
Dubba Do-Me's bod ain't what is used to be? Could he be the one and only Jared Leto? He did say in an interview that he was Morrissey-like.

Dear Gay Curious:
Man, that Leto sure knows how to let loose like a goose, huh? By the by, J.L. is not the horny Dubba--nor is he the hell-raising Toothy Tile, as everybody now seems to think. Happy-happy trails, everybody!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
You don't have s--t on Tom Cruise, and even if you did, you're too chickens--t to print anything substantial. Everyone in Hollywood is afraid of Tom....you're no different, pal!
Matthew Childers

Dear Blank:
You drinkin' the Scientology Kool-Aid, too? You think I've reported diddly-squat on Cruise? Do a search, 'cause I've done my job."

From June 2006

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

John Travolta for the win.

Anonymous said...

Can't be John Travolta, since in response to the Ricky Martin question above, Ted says DDM can't dance at all. What about Nicolas Cage? The "bitchin" references could be in regards to one of his first roles as Randy in Valley Girl???

Unknown said...

Upon rereading, maybe it IS Tom Cruise. I've never really cared about the gay rumors concerning him because Travolta is so blatantly the stereotypical Scientology-in-the-closet star... Hm...

Unknown said...

Here's some back-up for the Tom Cruise response:


The Spie said...

I don't think it's Cruise. Look at that one Bitch-Back response: "Think just as talented but further from the Oscar gold. Much." Cruise is, what, a five-time Oscar nominee? This seems to imply someone who's as good an actor as Kevin Costner but isn't in material that's Oscar-bait. And Travolta seems to be the only guess left for Seymour Plow-Me-More, so it's probably not him.

That being said, I don't really have a clue. Lots of eliminations, but the blind's vague.

Anonymous said...

James Franco or Leo Depcaprio. Done and Done.

Sophie S. said...

Vince Vaughn!!

Anonymous said...

gerard butler, hes looking doughy

Anonymous said...

Vince Vaughn...

Anonymous said...

Gerard Butler. Ted recently posted pics of him back in his 300 days and now, and there is a BIG diffrernce!

Anonymous said...

Okay, this may be too weird for anyone, but what about Tom Hanks? Remember a few years ago when he looked AWFUL? He'd gained a ton of weight.

The Spie said...

Anon 8 Jan: uh, you mean Oscar winner Nic Cage? And two-time Oscar winner Sean Penn? I think you need some new guesses.

Unknown said...

matthew broderick?

Unknown said...

jon favreau maybe

Ross Family Five said...

So,if we assume now that SPMM is JT...does this mean TC is definitely DDM? Not sure what to make of this!?

Tara said...

This one needed a re-vamp! What about Val Kilmer? Link to Tom because of Top Gun, really looks bad compared to what he used to look like.

Or Brendan Fraser?