One Needling Blind Vice - Nov 2005
You can't take the SAT with a Bic pen. And you can't swing a drug test on heroin. Too bad Gloria Good-Hag didn't know that.
Gloria Good-Hag has a great career. She's also quite adept at bedding her leading men, most notably Bill Bisexual (Gloria's most recent 300-count-style notch). But is it the dudes who interest the lithe sexpot the most?
No way. And no--this ain't yet another homo-laden nooky story--it's not the girls, either, who do it for Glor. It's the horsies.
Not the gambling kind, darlin's, the shoot-'em-up kind, as in smack. Horse. Heroin.
And just in case you didn't know, heroin happens to be so in right now. Forget painkillers (too Michael J.) or porno (too Tom S.). It's all about the high one gets from snorting or shooting this incredibly potent--and addictive--opiate. Heaven help the guys 'n' gals who are currently obsessed with the stuff, most recently Jordache Junky, the star who screwed the cater-waiter in One Step-by-Skanky-Step Blind Vice a coupla weeks ago.
Gloria's more crisp, more aloof than emotional Jordache. She's also more stupid, have to say. The ditzo broad didn't even know how to fool the standard insurance drug testing on her last glossy pic, Isn't Life Seamless?, and she turned up positive for heroin.
Consequently, Isn't's producers had to pay double the premium on Gloria's skinny little bum. And let's say these suits were about as pleased with this development as Isn't's makeup artists were each morning with Gloria's puss.
Enough concealer to make Joan Rivers youthful again was required for the bags under Gloria's strung-out eyes. Particularly since Isn't's makeup look was something akin to a White Linen photo shoot.
And it ain't: Maggie Gyllanhaal, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes
Also eliminated: Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman,