Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Vintage BV - Gloria Good-Hag

Another oldie but goodie from Ted

One Needling Blind Vice - Nov 2005

You can't take the SAT with a Bic pen. And you can't swing a drug test on heroin. Too bad Gloria Good-Hag didn't know that.

Gloria Good-Hag has a great career. She's also quite adept at bedding her leading men, most notably Bill Bisexual (Gloria's most recent 300-count-style notch). But is it the dudes who interest the lithe sexpot the most?

No way. And no--this ain't yet another homo-laden nooky story--it's not the girls, either, who do it for Glor. It's the horsies.

Not the gambling kind, darlin's, the shoot-'em-up kind, as in smack. Horse. Heroin.

And just in case you didn't know, heroin happens to be so in right now. Forget painkillers (too Michael J.) or porno (too Tom S.). It's all about the high one gets from snorting or shooting this incredibly potent--and addictive--opiate. Heaven help the guys 'n' gals who are currently obsessed with the stuff, most recently Jordache Junky, the star who screwed the cater-waiter in One Step-by-Skanky-Step Blind Vice a coupla weeks ago.

Gloria's more crisp, more aloof than emotional Jordache. She's also more stupid, have to say. The ditzo broad didn't even know how to fool the standard insurance drug testing on her last glossy pic, Isn't Life Seamless?, and she turned up positive for heroin.

Consequently, Isn't's producers had to pay double the premium on Gloria's skinny little bum. And let's say these suits were about as pleased with this development as Isn't's makeup artists were each morning with Gloria's puss.

Enough concealer to make Joan Rivers youthful again was required for the bags under Gloria's strung-out eyes. Particularly since Isn't's makeup look was something akin to a White Linen photo shoot.


And it ain't: Maggie Gyllanhaal, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes

Also eliminated: Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman,


blurry vice said...

'Dear Ted:
Is Gloria Good-Hag heroin gal Angelina Jolie? It feels taboo to even think it, but...
Byron Bay, Australia

Dear Detective Down Under:
Repeat after me: "I am not taboo, I am Ted's glue, I am not taboo, I am Ted's glue..." I live for you badass Aussies, sweetheart, don't ever shame yourself before writing. The cheekier the better! Alas, it ain't Angie--think far more up and coming. Also, with more of an accent.'

'Dear Ted:
Is Gloria Good-Hag Nicole Kidman?

Dear Dick Becky:
Oh, heavens no! Gloria shoots up heroin in Hell-Ay's chicer environs, babe-hon, not botox. Terrible guess.'

blurry vice said...

Some of the top guesses for this were:

Scarlett Johannsen
Keira Knightley
Kirsten Dunst
Sienna Miller
Brittany Murphy

Anonymous said...

I think this is the Brittany Murphy one. I think Kirsten Dunst is Jordache Junky or Whortense Past-Tense.

Leanne said...

I think it's Brittany Murphy. I've watched "Uptown Girls" a million times and there's that whole thing and song about the Egyptian Cotton sheets which is what I thought of as soon as I read "Gloria's most recent 300-count-style notch."

Barda Free said...

I remember Ted saying Gloria Good-Hag was up & coming and had an accent. Sounds like either Keira or Sienna.

Anonymous said...

keira knightley

Anonymous said...

This couldn't be Penelope Cruz, could it?

FrenchGirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gemini850 said...

I think this is Britney Murphy blind...I remember watching up town girls and it was a big deal with this 300 count cotton sheets. Also the guy is prolly Ashton. I remember when he was on that 70's show people thought he was bisexual. He was also a male model before.

Anonymous said...

For what it's worth, is it possible that the accent Ted refers to is not necessarily a non-US one? If it is Brittany Murphy, one of her most famous characters (Clueless)had a very strong accent.

Anonymous said...

"Enough concealer to make Joan Rivers youthful again was required for the bags under Gloria's strung-out eyes."

another Brittany Murphy clue . . . a lot of her pictures show her with major bags under her eyes.

Anonymous said...

And don't forget, Brittany had a great accent she used with her voicework as Lou Ann in 'King of the Hill'

Unknown said...

gloria good hag has got to be kirsten dunst she was filming elizabethtown in 2005 and bill bisexual is tobey mcguire

Gelfling said...

Gloria was the name of Brittany's character in Happy Feet - could this be a clue or too obv?

Katie said...

I'm going with Kiki for this, and the film was Marie Antoinette, which required makeup akin to a White Linen photo shoot. Sofia Coppola would have gladly paid double the premium on Kiki - she wrote this role for her and would not have tolerated replacing her. I also think Kiki is "more crisp, more aloof" than Brittany Murphy was. I don't know who Bill Bisexual is supposed to be, but this was shortly after the Jake breakup so she was probably bedding someone. The only trip-up is - WTF with the accent?? If anything, this points to it NOT being Kiki because Kiki had no character accent whatsoever in Maria Antoinette, which was one of the cool things about the movie.