One Bodily Fluid Blind Vice - January 19, 2006
I think we use the phrase drama queen too much. Like, it's totally lost its meaning. Which is too bad, because Vamperella Vein-Pop is, like, the only babe I can think of who seriously deserves to be crowned DQ of Hollywood. (Yep, Ashlee Simpson you ain't got nothing on the wanton one.)
So, get this. Ms. V-P managed to find herself a nice, non-famous boyfriend. We'll call him Rock Helmet. Now, Vamperella wasn't taking Rock to red carpet events and stuff--but he sure was treating her right whenever she got the hardened itch (which was far less than her saucy image lets on). But, V.V-P. is so damn competitive, I bet there's only one guy in the freakin' universe she'd condescend to be seen in public with.
Yep, the one, the only, the perpetually full of preening pizzazz studmuffin of more than a few past Blind Vices, Slick Brick.
But here's the thing. Basically, every babe in the world wants to do Slick. So, even though Rock's a major babe, it's not like the competition for name S.B. ain't fierce.
Yet, as it happens, the competitive Vamperella managed to score herself a few romps in the sack with Mr. B. Impressive? Sort of. But it's not like these two have gone--or are going to go public. Which must be killing image-conscious Vein-Pop. Like, I bet she makes mock-up magazine covers that feature the two of them embraced, Jen and Vince style.
Wait. Did you forget all about Rock? Well, of course you did, sillies. Because so did Vamperella, once she got a bite out of the Slickster!
Yep, in classic, passive-aggressive fashion, Vein-Pop just totally blew off poor Rock. Still, the non-famous fella called. And called again. So one day, she finally agreed to see the dude, acting as if it she gave a damn. But once Rock came over, Vamperella called up Slicky and handed the phone over to Mr. Helmet, who then had to hear the six words no dude wants to hear:
"Uh, yeah, sure. We slept together."
We can report that Rock has recovered and will prolly avoid high-strung actresses in the future. And much as we'd like to confirm that Vamperella and Brick are banging up a storm and keeping their shared enclave's nabes up all night, we cannot. He prefer boys, in the end.
And yes, both Vamperella and Slick have appeared in the column this week.
And it ain't: Kristin Davis/Alec Baldwin, Kirsten Dunst/Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan/Jared Leto
Also eliminated: Paris Hilton/Jake Gyllenhaal