One Bodily Fluid Blind Vice - January 19, 2006
I think we use the phrase drama queen too much. Like, it's totally lost its meaning. Which is too bad, because Vamperella Vein-Pop is, like, the only babe I can think of who seriously deserves to be crowned DQ of Hollywood. (Yep, Ashlee Simpson you ain't got nothing on the wanton one.)
So, get this. Ms. V-P managed to find herself a nice, non-famous boyfriend. We'll call him Rock Helmet. Now, Vamperella wasn't taking Rock to red carpet events and stuff--but he sure was treating her right whenever she got the hardened itch (which was far less than her saucy image lets on). But, V.V-P. is so damn competitive, I bet there's only one guy in the freakin' universe she'd condescend to be seen in public with.
Yep, the one, the only, the perpetually full of preening pizzazz studmuffin of more than a few past Blind Vices, Slick Brick.
But here's the thing. Basically, every babe in the world wants to do Slick. So, even though Rock's a major babe, it's not like the competition for name S.B. ain't fierce.
Yet, as it happens, the competitive Vamperella managed to score herself a few romps in the sack with Mr. B. Impressive? Sort of. But it's not like these two have gone--or are going to go public. Which must be killing image-conscious Vein-Pop. Like, I bet she makes mock-up magazine covers that feature the two of them embraced, Jen and Vince style.
Wait. Did you forget all about Rock? Well, of course you did, sillies. Because so did Vamperella, once she got a bite out of the Slickster!
Yep, in classic, passive-aggressive fashion, Vein-Pop just totally blew off poor Rock. Still, the non-famous fella called. And called again. So one day, she finally agreed to see the dude, acting as if it she gave a damn. But once Rock came over, Vamperella called up Slicky and handed the phone over to Mr. Helmet, who then had to hear the six words no dude wants to hear:
"Uh, yeah, sure. We slept together."
We can report that Rock has recovered and will prolly avoid high-strung actresses in the future. And much as we'd like to confirm that Vamperella and Brick are banging up a storm and keeping their shared enclave's nabes up all night, we cannot. He prefer boys, in the end.
And yes, both Vamperella and Slick have appeared in the column this week.
And it ain't: Kristin Davis/Alec Baldwin, Kirsten Dunst/Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan/Jared Leto
Also eliminated: Paris Hilton/Jake Gyllenhaal
18 comments:
"Dear Ted:
Love the column, I read it daily. Just wondering, is Vamperella Vein-Pop from One Bodily Fluid Blind Vice about Paris Hilton? And is Slick Brick Jake Gyllenhaal?
Alexandra
New York City
Dear Big Grapple:
Excellente on the guesses, gal-friend! Even though they're both wrong, gotta say you're not so far off on both--just by a couple of decades, that's all."
A top guess for this one was George Clooney for Slick Brick. I will try and dig up his other ones.
VVP guesses were Teri HAtcher and Lucy Liu. But Teri HAtcher was Death Mint Myrtle... so I guess she couldn't be this one.
Anyway, also found this -
"Dear Ted:
"All Blind monikers are exclusive to their smutty selves. No repeats." Really? So for the record, Vamperella Vein-Pop is NOT Fake à la Ferocity? Lurve ya!
—T
Dear Double Checker:
Yep, diff dames altogether. Lurve ya right back!"
But Ted outed Breath Mint Myrtle, didn't he? So this could be Teri Hatcher and Clooney.
Lohan.
Blurry, please bring up some of the Slick Brick VBs. Sure sounds like Clooney, but we'd have to know who was in the column that week to be certain.
Anon: This is a Vintage VB, so Death-Mint Myrtle post-dates this one. Ted gives new names only when BVs have been revealed, and Vamperella was never revealed, so Hatcher can't be her and Myrtle.
For some reason, Julia Roberts came to mind immediately. Maybe her and Clooney?
Rene Zellwegger
On another post, someone mentioned the names match the person in terms of syllables, or close to it, and used Vamp as an example of Angelina Jolie. Since this is a vintage, Slick Brick works with Brad Pitt, yes?
Anon 5 Jan: This isn't necessarily true. Fart-Coif Cretin, for instance, was Andy Dick (revealed by Ted, so this is certain), and those syllables don't match. Besides, Vamp isn't AJ; we all know she's Fake-a-la Ferocity, and Ted explicitly denied in that Bitch-Back that Blurry reprinted that both were the same person.
I think Slick Brick is Robert Pattinson
Oh vintage. Sorry.
I could see this being Julia Roberts. Seems like she used to tear through men.
My guess is Madonna / A-Rod. When I heard "Vein-pop" she was the first I thought of, and "Slick Brick" definitely fits with A-Rod's MO.
It was the "by a couple of decades" comment that really cinched for me.
I know she was eliminated as a BI in the past, but that was before this was posted. Any one know if either/both were in the column around the same time?
lala: The timing doesn't work. Vadge was still married to Guy Ritchie in 2005, which is when this would have happened, and the blind says that Rock Helmet isn't famous. Good thought, though.
Could this be Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. They didn;t get married until July.
Gemini - Sandy and the douchenozzle were married July 2005, and this B.V. is from January 2006. Plus I would consider JJ famous, although not A or B list considering he has his own show, Monster Garage
What about Jonathan Rhys Myers? He's suppose to be a regular and it says Slick has been a BV more then once. What about Kiki Dunst as Vamperella? After all, her first role was Interview with the Vampire.
oops, never mind about the Kristen Dunst! I got a little excited and forgot the check the AIA's. What about Winona Ryder? She was in Dracula with Gary Oldman
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