Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Vintage BV: Whore-tense Past-tense

Another vintage BV

One Overshot Blind Vice - May 2007

Where do we start? When are folks gonna realize that blowin' out your brain cells with booze, dope and doofus doings ain't exactly the best way to go? Prolly never. But what the hell, that's not gonna stop me from tellin' on Whore-tense Past-tense, the country's latest glossy victim in chemically enhanced career descent.

Whore-hon—such the doll. Well, I never thought she was, but lotsa other folks sure did. Always found W.T. to be a bit o' a fake onscreen, not to mention in real life. I mean, who else would date a gay man for years just to get herself more in the tabloids? I know, I know, half of Hollywood's female population, but you get my point. Also, forgive moi, but I never really found Ms. P., with all of her kooky outfits, to be all that attractive—and I think that's largely because, deep down inside, Whorey was projecting nothing but a desperation to find the next heroin fix.

Which she always has found—much to the chagrin of Whore-baby's current group o' hangers-on. And, trust, when a bunch of nobody poseurs who leech on to a star's fading wattage just to get attention start worrying for their so-called friend's welfare, that amiga's gotta be in pretty pitiful shape. And Past-tense sure is.

So much so, in W.'s increasingly notorious state of euphoric Hell-Ay horniness, she's screwing busboys here, waiters there, car parkers, too—and she never stops to think that these (almost always skinny) dudes just might talk. 'Course, they haven't (yet), but W.T.'s buds sure as ef have. And the only other thing that's got these ultra-classy hangers-on—not to mention W.T. watchers—gabbing as much would be Ms. Pee's skeletal frame. For your next meal, hon, you might try a noodle, not a needle.


And it ain't: Beyonce Knowles, Courtney Love, Kate Bosworth


Also eliminated: Jenna Jameson, Mischa Barton, Cher, Lara Flynn Boyle

20 comments:

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
My guess for Whore-tense Past-tense from One Overshot Blind Vice is Jenna Jameson. Love you!
Angela
South Bend, Indiana
Dear Indy Chick:
Wrong-a-rooney, hon-pie. Think far less booby and semi-more brainy

blurry vice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
I wanted to give a guess on the Blind Vice for Whore-tense Past-tense. Is it Mischa Barton? She's certainly skeletal, her fashion sense is quite suspect, she doesn't have a TV show anymore and, of course, she dated Brandon Davis for a couple of years.
Angie
Portland, Maine
Dear Mischa Misfire:
W.T.P.T. has never been on The O.C.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Whore-tense Past-tense has to be Cher. Mattel made a doll of her, and she is one kooky lady.
Nicole
Chicago
Dear Deluded:
Way, way off, honey-bunny. Think oodles younger, different profession...just as bad fashion sense, though.
Dear Ted:
I am thinking that Whore-tense Past-tense is Lara Flynn Boyle. I am more often wrong than right, but I thought I would give it a shot. BTW, love the column.
Elizabeth
Chattanooga, Tennessee
Dear Reading Goss Can Be Fun:
Glad you like the column, love, but your guess isn’t so good. W.T.P.T. is younger and not quite so skeletal...yet. "

blurry vice said...

Top guesses were:

Kirsten Dunst
Brittany Murphy
Keira Knightley

Anonymous said...

Natasha Lyonne?

Anonymous said...

Since when did Keira Knightley date a gay man to get into the tabs?

Seems more like Kiki Dunst.

Anonymous said...

Since when did Keira Knightley date a gay man to get into the tabs?

Seems more like Kiki Dunst.

Anonymous said...

kirsten dunst

Rachel said...

Agreed. It's Kooky Kiki.

1. "date a gay man for years.." Gyllenhaal
2. "kooky outfits" (all photos of Kirsten, esp. during this time period, are WEIRD) and kooky sounds a lot like "kiki"
3. She's known for drinking to excess
4. Check her CV; she didn't work from about 2007-2009
5. "dope and doofus doings" is alliteration calling attention to the letter "D"
6. The name "Whore-tense PAST-tense" likely refers to her stellar childhood career that floundered when Dunst reached her mid-20s.
7. I also can't be bothered to find a reference, but I'm positive I've read gossip, blind and not, about Kirsten Dunst's bedroom hopping between 2006 and now.
I'm sure there are more clues I picked up on in there... just can't remember them.

Anonymous said...

Even though I totally thought Kikki on this, wasn't the jordache junky also thought to be her after Brittany Murphy was notted? I know Ted doesn't give new names until the subject has been revealed, but the way he worded it once, it sounds like each vice of the star also gets a new name (one for their druggy doings, one for the sexy doings) if needed. And I especially see the link because Jordache was caught doing a bus boy in a stairwell and this blind mentions a similar situation. Thoughts? :) I think Kikki is both!

Rachel said...

I completely agree!

Anonymous said...

kate bosworth!

Anonymous said...

Sadly I think this was Brittany Murphy. Ted said she was a BV and looking back it was sad which one she was... God Rest Her Soul...

Anonymous said...

Sadly I think this was Brittany Murphy. Ted said she was a BV and looking back it was sad which one she was... God Rest Her Soul...

Anonymous said...

Sadly I think this was Brittany Murphy. Ted said she was a BV and looking back it was sad which one she was... God Rest Her Soul...

Anonymous said...

This sounds like Kiki Dunst.

Brittany Murphy as Gloria Good-Hag & Ashton C as Bill Bisexual. Murphy was a sweet girl but not very smart. Dunst had more of a career, definitely more of a sex life and was always surrounded by a crowd of hangers-on/party people. I hope she straightens herself out as she's a talented thing.

And thank you for running the old BVs - it's been too fun.

Anonymous said...

I'm for K Dunst too
- in Interview with the Vampire she had a bed covered in dolls and her character was referred to as doll like
- did Marie Antoinette, hence the 'forgive moi'

blurry vice said...

SOMEONE'S BEEN READING OUR SITE'S VINTAGE BLINDS

"Dear Ted:
Are Whore-Tense Past-tense and Jordache Junky the same person? Loving all the Blind Vices.
—Annoyed

Dear Stumbling:
Never do that, dear. Each sinner's his or her own person!"

Caroline said...

Penelope Cruz?

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