One Poor Me Blind Vice - June 1, 2005
Melba Toasted may know how to get a primo paycheck, but the poor brat just can't seem to get a friggin' break, nonetheless. Boo-hoo.
Ever since Melba's man, Devon Heaven, decided he wanted less wasted pastures (bedroom- and life-wise), Melba has simply been a wreck. I mean, what's a jilted princess to do? Start writing a column called "Dear Jennifer"? Doubt Melba's thought of anything so tacky--or common.
'Cause we got ourselves a royal weepy one here, fer sure. See, Devon's wrong, Toasted's agents are wrong, the bartender's wrong, everybody's effing up but Melba-doll. Hey, M., think about it for a sec: Ever wonder if maybe, just maybe, you and your nose-bleed baddie ways had something (even if just a tad) to do with why the more intimate members of your existence seem to be abandoning you right now?
Well, everybody except desperate relations (and percentage peeps), 'course.
Girlfriend P.S.: Oh, and the stalking you've been caught pulling on Devon and his new honey? Ain't pretty. You're just getting too old for tacky teenybopper bullcrap.
And it ain't: Drew Barrymore, Mischa Barton, Kirsten Dunst
Ted also eliminated: Lindsay Lohan, Kate Bosworth, Courtney Love, Reese Witherspoon,