Monday, June 7, 2010

Vintage BV: Sassy Go-Forth & Fernwood Could

Here's another old one featuring a couple...

One Most Surprising, Stockinged Blind Vice - Dec 14, 2006


With all the highly publicized breakups between our fave A-list duos, it was only a matter of time till haughty legal reps dished on a not-so tell-all couple un-ending. Does that even make any sense, what I wrote? Oh, who cares? Read on:
As we all wiped away our tears over the demise of Jen 'n' Brad, or that southern belle Reese 'n' toughie-dude Ryan, in-the-know peeps had already been questioning the supposed bliss in the marital lives of Sassy Go-Forth and Fernwood Could, one of H-town's few remaining stalwart duos. Wonder why?
See, this once reliable, dynamic twosome has utterly gone under the paparazzi radar, and I, oh, once again, have the exclusive dish for ya to feast on this holiday season. Don't worry—it's carb free. So, bite in!
Ferny 'n' Sass, in actuality (read: when they're not working) hold down camp in the colder climates. Think of places like Chicago and InWhySee, where basements are readily available to sprawling mansions. In fact, it is in this very sublevel arena where the male half of this union's marital vows went awry. See, unsuspecting wife-unit would wake up to discover her man outta bed and nowhere to be found in their plush quarters.
This began to happen so often, said spouse thought her hubby just might be leavin' the manse to engage in extramarital affairs; howevah, 'twas not the case. Sassy's guy, was found (by her, eventually) dressin' in drag in the basement—where their offspring efforts hold down playtime with other celeb li'l ones. Quelle horreur!
And was Ferny-babe getting himself off while wearing a particularly alluring fishnet number? No way: F.C. was caught red-(nail-polished)-handed, surfin' the friggin' Internet for home apparel and sundry women's wear. While dressed in such, natch.
Prior to this startling discovery, S.G.-F. had hired a private investigator to see where her hubby was heading at night. Good thing she played investigator herself, 'cause she saved those dollars for a high-powered attorney—who has brought her the ultimate bucks and a handy settlement deal.
But no one knows.
'Cept us.

And It Ain't: Will Smith, Will Ferrell, Rev. Run

Also eliminated: Annette Bening/Warren Beatty, Eddie Murphy, Russell/Kimora Lee Simmons, Mike Myers

Top guesses were: Chris Rock & wife, Sarah Jessica Parker/Matthew Broderick, Faith Hill/Tim McGraw

5 comments:

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
My guess for Sassy Go-Forth and Fernwood Could: Annette Bening and Warren Beatty. Am I close?
Debbie
Chattanooga, Tennessee

Dear Rightfully Incorrect:
If only W.B. fancied women's wear...but, alas, think that's the only kankee thang he doesn't like. Think far less golden and certainly less good-looking.

Dear Ted:
Love your column...especially the cherry on top of the cake, your Blind Vices. I am guessing that Fernwood Could from One Most Surprising, Stockinged Blind Vice is Eddie Murphy...right or wrong?
Patricia
Jacksonville Beach, Florida

Dear Vintaged Mind:
He may have fallen victim, in 1997, to his own naugh-tay cross-dressin' run-ins, but he is not the prey we are feasting on.

I think Sassy Go-Forth and Fernwood Could are Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons. And may I say, you are one hot dude! Could any woman make you come play for the hetero team?
Paige
Danville, Virginia


Dear Bum-Smoocher:
Thanks, babe, but you haven't seen my abs, have ya? Oh, and it ain't R. and K., though I might add that's an excellent guess. Think, uh, even more famous...

Dear Ted:
Sooo, I think the transvestite of the newly divorced couple is Mike Myers.
Mary
Jackson Hole, Wyoming

Dear Hole in None:
Totally off, though a very, very amusing guess, my love. Think far more traditionally mainstream, and perhaps you'll see the man-panties-wearing light!"

Deadpan Alley said...

I'm confused. Did they divorce?

Denise said...

I'm confused also. I think it is Chris Rock, but he is still married to his wife.

andrea said...

Here are few people with children that got divorced in 2006:

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards
Rachel Hunter and Rod Stewart
David Hasselhoff and Pamela Bach

cassandra said...

i think this is kevin kline and pheobe cates

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