Monday, June 7, 2010

Vintage BV: Deartha Death

This will be the last vintage blind we pull up today.  Hope someone is enjoying them!

One Crinkled Comeback Blind Vice - March 22, 2007


[Intro to that day's column: 
Darlings, before we get to which decrepit Hollywood plaything is staging yet another ree-dick comeback, let’s check in on possibly preggers Ali Landry and the certainly crusty Russ Crowe. Hang on, it’s gonna be a bumpy Awful Friday!]


Deartha Death has always been one of my fave H-town fixtures. She's so nasty. She's so raunchy. She's so...watchable!
And she knows it, too.
That's why D2 has staged yet another "comeback," of sorts. Thing is, I've never really understood quite what it is D.D. went away from. Her talent has always been so, uh, hard to define. I mean, really, her best achievement, as far as I'm concerned, has been Deartha-dear's ability to keep us wondering just what the eff she's gonna pull next.
Which is what this item is about. As she's done so many times before, D.D.'s gone to great lengths to set up a series of publicity interviews and photo sessions round her latest dubious creative endeavor. And, per usual, sundry journalistic entities bit.
Including Totally Inside publication, which had set up an expensive shoot around said project. But, quelle surprise, Ms. D. called up and canceled, saying she had a tummy ache or some lame excuse, all last minute, 'course. Death was simply expecting the mag to call back and reskedge, as Deartha's forced upon many an outlet before (and will no doubt do again).
However, Totally's editor had heard through the proverbial e-grapevine that Deartha was, once again, too high to function—the real reason why she had called off the shoot. So, the media honcho called up Death directly.
"Look," the editor fumed across the receiver, "I'm not a 12-stepper. I have no problem with you getting high. But you better get something straight," the exec type practically blazed before she went in for the chicly suited kill:
"You cancel on me again like that, we're pulling this shoot so fast, you won't know what hit you—faster than those stupid animals of yours pee everywhere."
Oh, did I forget to tell you D.D. is a big four-footed fan?
And Deartha is now cooperating with all press requests. Fully (if not a tad wobbly).
And It Ain't: Tara Reid, Jennifer Holiday, Janice Dickinson 


Also eliminated: (no one)

Top guesses were: Pamela Anderson, Sharon Stone, Jenna Jameson, Courtney Love

16 comments:

The Spie said...

I rarely try to guess before reading the entire BV, but on this one, my head was screaming "Sharon Stone" by the second paragraph. She was doing a lot of stuff press-wise at this time after Basic Instinct II bombed.

Tara said...

What about Kelly Osbourne? Death as a last name suits her well (since Ozzy is the Prince of Darkness), and she had a major drug problem until recently.

Caz1310 said...

To the 4 sistas - I do like these vintage ones, being a newbie to the site a lot of the info is new news to me!! Love your work gals!

Christine said...

I think it's Paris Hilton. Sharon Stone is famous for being in movies, Jenna Jameson for being in porn and Courtney Love for music...Paris Hilton is known for being known, which is what this sounds like to me.

The Spie said...

Christine: Please go to the main page and click on the link on the right-hand side for "Paris Hilton" or "Slurpa Pop-Off". That's Paris' BV identity, and Ted has never confirmed it, so by Ted's Rule, it can't be Paris.

Tara said...

Aside from the fact that Paris has a BV already, I think you are on the right track, Christine, with the elimination of Sharon and Pamela based on their celebrity solely for being actors (and Pam for playboy as well), Courtney for being a musician and Jenna for being a porn star.

That is how I came to the Kelly Osbourne guess, because she has no reason other than family to be famous (much like Paris). So I think this is someone who is like a socialite, reality star, or has famous family--they have no real talent or have not made any mark themselves. In addition, On the Osbournes reality show from back in the day, their 10 million dogs were always peeing and pooping in the house. And, Kelly went to rehab in 2008-2009 time frame for pills and possibly more.

angie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
C said...

Ted calls her decrepit, which (to me) means old. Kelly Osbourne is a decent guess, but she's young. What about Sharon Osbourne? She certainly fits the "raunchy" description and has all those ridiculous animals.

Tara said...

I could see that.....I just always thought Sharon was totally anti drugs because of what it did to Ozzy and her kids. But who knows what goes on behind the scenes!

Okay, decrepit (didn't see that) in Hollywood doesn't mean ancient, but it could be middle aged. What about Dina Lohan or Paula Abdul? Paula is always talking about a comeback but can never seem to get it together. Dina is just a hot mess.

crila16 said...

This sounds like Paula to me.

The Spie said...

Paula Abdul 2010 would be a good candidate, yes, but would Paula Abdul 2007 (remember, this is a vintage blind)? I don't think so. She was firmly ensconced on AI at the time and didn't need to do a comeback per se. Also, her talent was pretty well-defined in her day: pop singer of decent talent and experienced dancer. For the time period, I still say Sharon Stone is a much better candidate.

Denise said...

What about Madonna? She's been around a long time and is "totally watchable". She's reinvented herself several times over and always successfully.

If not Madonna, then Sharon Stone fits the description better than anyone else around. Has any of Sharon's movies have the word "Death" in the title?

The Spie said...

Denise: Ted has stated that Madonna has never been a BV.

Tara said...

I realize that this is an old one....I do agree that Paula was still an American Idol fixture and didn't need a financial comeback then, but she was wanting people to take her seriously musically and dance wise at this time. Paula did the music video and the superbowl performance in February 2008, so she would have been working on the record and publicity for such at this time. She also had the Bravo reality tv show in 2007, debuting on television in June of '07, which she was so cray-cray in!! She was all over the place, crying about people not taking her seriously as an artist. She peddled a clothing and cosmetics line on QVC on the show, and was trying to make a movie at the same time. To me, she is a shoe in for this one.

Denise said...

I like the Pam Anderson guess. Especially because the nickname for this blind is "D-D" or "double D"?

erika said...

Totally Watchable = Baywatch
D.D = size of her boobs
Big 4 footed fan = PETA
all = pam anderson
proof = decrepit

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