One Crinkled Comeback Blind Vice - March 22, 2007
[Intro to that day's column:
Darlings, before we get to which decrepit Hollywood plaything is staging yet another ree-dick comeback, let’s check in on possibly preggers Ali Landry and the certainly crusty Russ Crowe. Hang on, it’s gonna be a bumpy Awful Friday!]
Deartha Death has always been one of my fave H-town fixtures. She's so nasty. She's so raunchy. She's so...watchable!
And she knows it, too.
That's why D2 has staged yet another "comeback," of sorts. Thing is, I've never really understood quite what it is D.D. went away from. Her talent has always been so, uh, hard to define. I mean, really, her best achievement, as far as I'm concerned, has been Deartha-dear's ability to keep us wondering just what the eff she's gonna pull next.
Which is what this item is about. As she's done so many times before, D.D.'s gone to great lengths to set up a series of publicity interviews and photo sessions round her latest dubious creative endeavor. And, per usual, sundry journalistic entities bit.
Including Totally Inside publication, which had set up an expensive shoot around said project. But, quelle surprise, Ms. D. called up and canceled, saying she had a tummy ache or some lame excuse, all last minute, 'course. Death was simply expecting the mag to call back and reskedge, as Deartha's forced upon many an outlet before (and will no doubt do again).
However, Totally's editor had heard through the proverbial e-grapevine that Deartha was, once again, too high to function—the real reason why she had called off the shoot. So, the media honcho called up Death directly.
"Look," the editor fumed across the receiver, "I'm not a 12-stepper. I have no problem with you getting high. But you better get something straight," the exec type practically blazed before she went in for the chicly suited kill:
"You cancel on me again like that, we're pulling this shoot so fast, you won't know what hit you—faster than those stupid animals of yours pee everywhere."
Oh, did I forget to tell you D.D. is a big four-footed fan?
And Deartha is now cooperating with all press requests. Fully (if not a tad wobbly).
And It Ain't: Tara Reid, Jennifer Holiday, Janice Dickinson
Also eliminated: (no one)
Top guesses were: Pamela Anderson, Sharon Stone, Jenna Jameson, Courtney Love