Monday, June 7, 2010

Vintage BV: Preen Pumper & Dare E. Airre

OK y'all know we've been hunting for some particular stars' blind vices for a while... here is one I just dug up that could be Sandra Bullock and Jesse James?  Maybe?  Regardless, it's kinda gross and hence, interesting.  :)

One Behind-the-Behind Blind Vice: March 1, 2007

Okay, if you're sick o' the pooftah stuff (and if you are, can't imagine why you're reading this missive right now), click off. 'Cause here comes the fairy mother Blind Vice of all fairy-esque naughty happenings in H-town…
Preen Pumper has a fairly superclean rep, despite being pretty much of a dawg before he hooked up with his longtime love, Dare E. Airre. But then, longtime amour never lasts in this heathen-filled 'ville, right? Right.
Therefore, P2 has been making his way through various buxom hookups, post-Dare split. And P.P.'s current lady love seems to be—perhaps—in for the long haul. We'll see, won't we?
I'm just, uh, wondering if we should send out some kind of warning to P.P.'s current babe-friend, a nice enough gal who seems to be a bit o' a farm-fed femme, seemingly pure and all that (unbelievable) nonsense.
See, Preen has his sexual peccadilloes, don't we all? And Preen's, it turns out, is alternate-entry sex, which, when I've polled most of my (male and female) straight buds, I have found out is not so unusual on the het scene: I mean, if you're a guy, you just basically want to put it anywhere you can, n'est-ce pas?
Well, we'll touch on that pokin' theory another time. Right now, we gotta get back to Preen, who always prefers his outback ways to involve a guy, turns out. What a surprise! Closeted homosexual behavior in Tinseltown! I'm shocked!
It's just that Preen's demands in this arena are downright creepy, as Mr. Pumper always insists that his guy partners never:
—Kiss him.
—Look at him.
—Have an orgasm anywhere in P.P.'s vicinity.
Additionally (I'm surprised Preen doesn't have his partners sign confidentiality contracts, but, ah, isn't Tinseltown just made for stupid-ola freakazoids?), Pumper insists on remaining squeaky-clean himself, but he is willing to go a second round, should all these cumbersome rules not get in the way of any spontaneity. Gosh, how could they possibly not?
Sounds like having sex with Martha Stewart on steroids or something! (This is a joke, E! Legal Eagles, please be advised.)
Oh, and by the by, should tell you all that Ms. Airre had no idea her man was going out the door for the behind-door stuff. Until now, that is.

And It Ain't: Macaulay Culkin, Brody Jenner, Tyrese

Also eliminated: Eddie Murphy, Jason Lewis

Top guesses were: Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson


blurry vice said...

Here were the two elims -

"Dear Ted:
Preen Pumper has got to be Eddie Murphy. Recently divorced after long marriage, getting’ Scary with Spice and that other girl. Plus, his stand-up routine was homophobic and ass-obsessed!
Buffalo, New York

Dear Double D.:
Right you ain’t, Debbie-doll. Think younger and more pathetic.

Dear Ted:
Easy blind vice: Preen Pumper is Jason Lewis.
Linkoping, Sweden

Dear Clever:
Nope, but I can tell you that P.P. is equally, if not more, doable than Mr. Lewis—at least to his swooning fans! "

Gabby said...

Definitely not says "post-split" in the 3rd paragraph and Jesse and Sandra didn't split until this whole thing blew up. And Ted said that they're together in her blind so...but nice try finding some old ones I'm enjoying them!

Unknown said...

ya this could be preen pumper as jesse james and dare e airre as that porn star he was married to (janine something) esp if sandra bullock was already used as a blind so he couldnt mention her directly.
When I first read this a while ago though I thought it was justin timberlake and cameron diaz with jessica biels as the new girl. the timeline fits well with them.

blurry vice said...

Gabby - I know it says that the couple was post split. I figured we could analyze it anyway. Besides, I don't know their timeline and if they were ever on the rocks at any point...

Unknown said...

maybe this blind is michelle williams and heath ledger?