Monday, June 7, 2010

Vintage BV: Ream Helene

Another old one...

One Comes Around Blind Vice - May 4, 2005

Ream Helene is a back-stabbing, finagling, eat-her-mother-for-opportunity bitch, no two (gossipy) words about it. And not just with the colleagues but with the exes. She wasn't exactly nice to the former men in her life--many of whom she discarded unceremoniously.
So, ain't it sweet now that Ream-babe (who's rather rewarded when it comes to Tinseltown scoreboards) is being gifted--right as we cyber-gossip--with a cheating spouse. Mattress-karma's a helluva payback.
Oh, and I should tell you (as I don't care about such provincial morals), Helene's miles and miles of enemies are getting such enjoyment that Ms. H.'s present hubby is cheating on her with a paid paramour.
Yeah, one of those babes who's always enabling actresses to get Oscars when they play their steamy, sordid lives: a hooker.
Hey, does is actually count as an affair when you're paying for it? (Such a lame-ass guy thing to say, sorry.)

And it aint: Kate Winslet, Julia Roberts, Kate Beckinsale 

Also eliminated: Madonna, Jennifer Lopez, Claire Danes

Top guesses were: Gwyneth Paltrow, Melanie Griffith, Sharon Stone


blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'd have to say last week's One Comes Around Blind Vice must be about Madonna, please tell me I'm right.

Dear Material Gumshoe:
Hmmm, wouldn't that be a kick in the rhinestone rubber parts if Guy was the attached man spending his honey's money on hookers? But he ain't. Sorry. The correct cheated-on star, though roughly the same age as Madonna, is considerably more successful than Ms. Ciccone. On the screen, I mean.

Dear Ted:
My guess for Ream Helene in One Comes Around Blind Vice is Jennifer Lopez. Am I right, or at least close?
Vania T.G.

Dear Jen Jumper:
Nope. Fairly far off, too. Think blonder, bigger and even bitchier.

Dear Ted:
Love your column. It's gossiplicious! I have a guess as to who Ream Helene could be. Is it Claire Danes, the gal who hooked up with Billy Crudup when Mary-Louise Parker was far into pregnancy? That makes him scummier then her, but it doesn't exactly give her angel wings or a halo, ya know?
New York

Dear Morality Minder:
I try to veer away from the they-had-it-coming chitchat. Usually. Was too de-lish to avoid for last week's Vice, however. Alas, was not Ms. Danes to whom I was referring. How 'effin' should it have been, though? Think far older, more rewarded, trophy-wise."

Anonymous said...

Gwyneth Paltrow.

Mikayla Marie said...

Sounds like Meryl Streep to me

crila16 said...

Gwyneth is a perfect guess, except for the age. She's not close to Madonna's age. She's 15 yrs. younger. Gwyn's screwed over Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck. She cheated on both of them and broke their hearts. She was called Callous. I also know a lot of people can't stand her, and a dislike for her is slowly growing. It's out there that Chris Martin has been cheating on her like crazy. The only thing is...she doesn't deserve a cheating husband, because it's not like she was married to Brad and Ben when she cheated on them...and she hasn't been known for stealing any married men away.

crila16 said...

People LOVE Meryl...definitely not her. SHe's been with the same man for years. He's a Dr. and they love and respect each other. Also...Meryl is far older than Madonna. Shannon Stone is not married, so it can't be her.

Unknown said...

maybe mira sorvino? she played a hooker in mighty aphrodite and won an best supporting oscar for it.

Caz1310 said...

I was thinking CJZ except for the bigger blonder reference. Would so like this to be Gwyneth. There's just so many things to not like about her. Chris is well known for his cheating ways.

Caz1310 said...

sorry my typing's wonky - was referring to Catherine Zeta Jones in my previous comment. She also has a terrible sense of superiority and entitlement about her and imagine that she's be not well liked.

Einstein DeGeneres said...

Sharon Stone was married when this blind came out, I believe. and didn't she play a hooker in um the movie where she shows her nether regions? I think referring to hookers is a tip-off.