Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Another week, another riddle involving a coke fiend. Everyone does it, but it's not the doing that's intriguing, it's the who's doing that's intriguing. Especially since her reputation is supposed to be so civilised and enlightened: a doting mother, a successful business, an artist (debatable), and an icon to many a MiniVan member. ironic as it may seem considering the original spirit of the inspiration. The situation is actually even more shocking considering her past. Having had that kind of experience with addiction though, perhaps there are only 2 roads: to shun drugs fiercely or, as it is in this case, to embrace them dangerously in her time of need.It's not just genes that keep her so thin. Turns out it's a habit that's making her very sick. Friends and family are becoming concerned. They're saying "she's not doing well", observing that her use has dramatically escalated, that she is becoming increasingly anti-social and withdrawn, removed out of embarrassment from her usual circle, and when forced out in public, looking awkward and seemingly unable to cope in social settings where she was once comfortable. The reason? It's not those laughable rumours of infidelity. It's actually because he ignores her. Never the child, but always her. Not deliberately but because she has no part in his life. It used to be he'd show up for the professional events, at the very least. Now she has to beg. And then it's only a maybe. He's not spiteful about it, he just doesn't care. Even on the forced holiday he could barely bother to acknowledge her and when they came home, he couldn't wait to get away.
So she retreats and she escapes and he still doesn't notice. When confronted about it by close confidantes, he insists there's not a problem. And he probably truly believes that, completely oblivious is he to her problems.
As such, her team is desperately trying to get her some new work, something else to focus on instead of moping around at home weighed down by disappointment.Artistically though, it may be bad news. Forcing a project on the heels of something already forced is probably just going to lead to more sh*t. Having said that, if it saves her, in the end, I guess that's what friends would do.
Posted on Tuesday, September 30, 2008 at 8:30 AM
* Update 10/23 - Lainey has eliminated Nicole Richie, Victoria Beckham, Nicole Kidman, Isla Fisher, Christina Aguilera, Tea Leoni, Debra Messing, Madonna, Kate Beckinsale, Jennifer Garner, Faith Hill.
*** Nov 4 - Lainey has basically revealed this to be : Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick ***
* And another reveal on Nov 26!!!
Just asking WHICH fame-hungry "social" spends so much time stuffing cocaine up her nose, her hangers-on have taken to calling her "Coco Puff?" . . . WHICH designer daughter and her husband are stirring the pot on both coasts? She had tongues wagging in LA over her scary skinny bod, while her other half was recently kicked out of a Hamptons hot spot for slugging another guy.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Dear Ted:Dear B.V.-Files:
I had to comb through a lot of old Blind Vices (which was fun, actually!), but I think I finally figured out which Blind Vice is David Duchovny. Is he Sylvester Slimeball?
One Comeback-Cliche Blind Vice (August 2007)
Sylvester Slimeball was a household name years ago when he was a major posh pooh-ba on a long-running boob-tube series. Boyfriend hasn’t done anything really big (well, certainly not as big as the man’s equipment down below happens to be) until now.
See, Sylvester’s coming to an entertainment enterprise near you...how exciting! I’m simply thrilled, and you will be, too, I’m sure! And now that S2’s a hot commodity again in ever-fickle Hollywood, S.S. has supposedly become quite the lothario—again. I mean, you know how a schmuck’s sleaze scale rises and falls along with his pro-meter, doncha? Men are always so predictable that way.
Now, Sly (no relation to Sly Stallone, promise) has been hitting on the hot young thangs who toil at his agency’s office and asking them out, despite the fact that S.S. is very much hitched, with tykes, to boot. Oh, please. Make me barf, already. You straights are even more indiscriminate than we fagolas are, and we can certainly be Slutty Sallys, fer sure!
Now, a little flirting never hurt anyone, but Sly Slime-B totally crossed the line with his recent bad-boy behavior, as Mr. Es actually showed up, unannounced and uninvited, to an assistant’s house—after working hours, natch. Dirty deets be that S.S. was carrying flowers and begged said worker bee to go on a “date” with him. When the horrified hon pointed out the much older S.S. was friggin’ married, his reply was too Tinseltown typical:
“It’s just for show,” he swore, "like all the Hollywood marriages."
And it ain't: Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Denzel Washington
Just in case anyone else missed it and wanted to know!
Letters from Ted's mailbag below - see how the three of these hint that Gray Goose = Austin Nichols.
Are Clay Aiken and his baby son Toothy's boyfriend Gray Goose and Baby Tile?
Dear Too Obvious:
Toothy's lover isn't coming out anytime soon.
Now that Sophia Bush is single and working on One Tree Hill with three of her ex-boyfriends, Chad Michael Murray, James Lafferty and Austin Nichols, do you think she will start dating one of them again? I hope she goes for Austin. I liked them together.
Dear Ex Factor:
CMM is out, fer sure. He can maybe hope for some hate sex, but that's it. I think Bush should even the scoreboard and go for Benji Madden. Thoughts?
Could you tell us more about Toothy's boyfriend? He is half of the most intriguing and beautiful Hollywood gay closeted couple and the other daddy of Baby Tile. Don't you think he deserves more attention from you?
Dear Man Hunt:
No, but his abs surely do.
Update Nov 5, 2008:
I got hooked on hot actor Austin Nichols watching One Tree Hill. Is he single?
Dear Up the Wrong Tree Hill:
Don't believe so."
*** Just for the record - These are the people Ted has eliminated as Gray Goose as of 10/1/11: Peter Sarsgaard (eliminated twice), Matt Dillon, Mario Lopez, Tom Cruise, George Clooney, Anderson Cooper (eliminated twice), Jensen Ackles, Mel Gibson, Zachary Quinto, Chris Pine, Ryan Phillipe, Luke McFarlane, Victor Garber, Josh Duhamel, Stephen Moyer, Joshua Jackson, Jim Carrey, Ewan McGregor, Kevin Spacey, Paul Wesley, Rodrigo Santoro, Jenny McCarthy (duh), Jamie Foxx, John Travolta, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Alec Baldwin.
*** Feb 2 2009 - Ted now refers to Gray Goose as Grey Goose (spelling change!).
Comment if you care...
Four for Friday
#1 - Calling this person even a celebutard is pretty much a bump up in status. He really would be totally unknown if it were not for this actress/singer he is dating. She is very young, but it has not stopped them from being sexually active. To make sure there is no scandal or some embarrassing photos caught on camera, the couple has to be intimate only at our singer's home.
#2, #3, and #4- A lister? Questionable. Definite B+ film actor (#1) in one of the biggest films of the year. Well in a film that just wrapped, our actor got really, really crazy with this C list actor (#2)who has had his shots at fame and even has B list recognition for all of his film work. Mostly their fun was just an awesome amount of drugs and alcohol being consumed and practical jokes that are only funny to people wasted out of their minds. But one day, things got a little out of hand with an actress on the set who is C list (#3), and has primarily been in television. A definite big hit television show, but she is still C list. Well, apparently our actress had a huge thing for #1 and so would basically do anything he wanted despite the fact he is married. Although they did have almost constant sex, the big ugly scene was a result of #1 and #2 always pressuring her to keep up with their drug use. One day when she refused, #2 hit her, leaving a huge black eye. Not wanting a fuss, the producers, gave her a raise and offered her a lead role in their next film as long as she kept quiet. She agreed. She also didn't stop hanging out with either guy after the incident.
Friday, September 26, 2008
New from Ted:
One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice
It's really one of Hollywood's best-kept secrets—right up there with what exactly went down between Tom and Nicole. And yes, if you're smelling a pooftah about to be (almost) outted here, then, babycakes, you are correct. Besides, I gave you all a het vice last week about how skank-a-thon you straight married folks can be, 'kay?
For the ribald record, do you all have any idea how hard it is to find surreptitious heterosexual effed-up behavior in this town? It's ridiculous! No one hides that crap in T-town! You straight Neanderthals are so proud of treating women like they so often treat themselves (starvation, mutilation, etc.). It's all the closeted fagolas who are worth writing about.
Take Petered Metered, for ince. He's, like, so famous for screwing everything that's boobalicous, always female, always a very broad-type o' broad, too. Know what I mean? P.M. truly loves the attention all this lady-killin' affords him, the more visible, the better. The more curvaceous, even more better!
A little obvious for my tastes, but in a town where a woman can still keep their kids and have a career comeback less than a year after they go bald-headed wacko, what the ef do I know about subtleties?
Obviously, not nearly as much as does Mr. Metered, who has it expressly written into the contracts with his girlfriends (yes, you read correctly) that they're supposed to go on and on not just about Metered's prowess, but his damn annoying wandering eye, too. It's all for effect. Just so the gullible public doesn't quit buying his product, which affords P.M. mucho purchased playtime with the—you know what's coming here, hons—the boys 'n' the toys. Lots of toys and gadgets and drugs and gels and porn and…jeez, doesn't anybody just have plain ol' sex anymore?
And it ain't: Sylvester Stallone, Colin Farrell, Matthew McConaughey
* Update 10/2 - Ted has eliminated Hugh Dancy, Mario Lopez, P-Diddy, John Mayer.
*** Our top suspect: Hugh Hefner
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I just had gallbladder surgery, and I feel terrible. I think that a bit of gossip will help with the healing. So, Dr. Ted, tell me: Have you ever done a Blind Vice about Vince Vaughn?
—Sans Gallbladder in Georgia
Dear Swing and a Hit:
A guy who's been around the H'wood block that long? You best believe he's a B.V. vet.
Off to find it!
Monday, September 22, 2008
WHICH reality-TV judge was absent from two of her top-rated shows because she had a bad reaction to Botox? Spies said the fashionista's face "swelled up like a cauliflower". . . WHICH stunning TV actress can't stand the Hollywood starlet who's guest-starring on her show? The series' main character "is furious" at her co-star, who always shows up late and has friends hanging around the set . . . WHICH new Hollywood mommy is so worried her husband will cheat on her that she insisted their housekeeper/nanny be a lesbian?
Friday, September 19, 2008
One Undivorced Blind Vice - Straights are Sluts too
Oh, this is a tough one this week: Do we do the cable star who's pretending to have a stalker (she's sending herself all kinds of horrendous things at work, just so her contract-renewing bosses think the babe's got heat, as if package-sending retards, imagined or otherwise, are going to make a difference in their decisions, oh, please)?
Or the star who screws around like John McCain once did. Hey, it's political fever time out there, I vote for the latter! But first, gotta say something. You know, I really think a lot of you frisky folk out there are getting the wrong impression: That I think only gay guys pull the really self-hating, sleazy, deliciously kinky love crap. Hardly! You hets sure know how to get your skank on, too, hon-pies, of this, I am positive. Certainly, Gore-Me Garth proves this point excellently. A star of the screen's more, shall we say, gruesome tales, Garth-babe's been pulling some love exercises, off camera, that surely would make his wife's blood boil.
Zoom in on: A somewhat established Sunset Strip bar. It's empty, save the bartender (our source, like, duh), and Gore-Me and some chick he is not married to. She looks kind of exotic. GMG just looks horny. I think his pants are tenting, it's real under-the-bleachers kinda stuff. The couple who thinks they are so secretly flirting with each other orders buttloads of whiskey sours, which, perhaps—or not—explains why they then start acting like Toothy Tile in a West Hollywood parking lot, as they move to a couch and do what probably took John McCain at least a second date to do with Cindy. For hours. In front of the bartender!
Like, what, they thought booze-servers are priests or something? Did they think the uniformed type wouldn't blab? Now, I don't know how far, exactly, Gore-Me and his sultry lass went, but if we got another Reille Hunter type sitch in the works, wouldn't be at all surprised.
And it ain't: Will Smith, Dylan Walsh, Josh Brolin
* Update 9/28 - Ted has eliminated Matthew Fox, Tommy Lee Jones, Kevin Costner, David Boreanaz.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
We get it, Jen Garner sucks. Onto more important things...Toothy Tile! Could you please run down the "And it's not..." list for me. After all this time, I am getting hazy on the Un-Toothy Tiles. My guess for T2...Matthew Broderick.
Dear Too Much Toothy:
Toothy's much sneakier than lame-ass Broderick. As for the list, check out the Internet. I do believe someone out there's been keeping track.
That's us woohoooo!
How does he roll? Private plane on someone else’s dime with specific requests about the type of aircraft…like it’s not enough to bypass commercial flying, you need to fly in a particular model. But that’s just the beginning. He can only travel in matching (like MATCHING!) SUVs with police escort. Three of them. One left empty. And then a sedan. Why the sedan? Because his lower level staff are not allowed to ride in SUVs. They are beneath SUVs. His staff must also stay in a hotel separate from his.Then there’s eye contact. No eye contact under any circumstances. If his driver happens to have to idle for more than 15 seconds with him in the car – say they’re packing up gear, or waiting for a delivery – the driver must exit the vehicle until the fleet is ready to move. Speaking to him of course is out of the question. Speaking in his vicinity is even worse. The only voice he wants to hear is his own. You can talk…but only when he gives you permission. There’s actually a hand signal for that. It comes from his manager. Hotel staff learn this lesson quickly. Imagine asking someone if he wants fresh towels and have him stare back at you, behind sunglasses, not answering, the silence filling up the room like a flood, how small that person must feel, that person who works and busts her ass for minimum wage, not even to be acknowledged, to feel the message from a millionaire that she is not worth engaging? Not even a nod? If he walks past you in the hall, you must turn your back. If you don’t turn your back he’ll stop walking. His team will stand in a wall around him for fear that you might breathe on him. Worse still, they will harass you. They will intimidate you. They will treat you like a criminal and report you to make sure you are punished.All of this and more, communicated without shame, without embarrassment, executed as though it’s the most natural way to behave … these are His Rules.
Posted on Thursday, September 18, 2008 at 9:03 AM
Update Sept 24: Lainey has eliminated Prince, Justin Timberlake, Tom Cruise, Mike Myers, Snoop Dogg.
** Update Oct 29 - Lainey has basically outed this to be Diddy... (P-Diddy.. or Puff Daddy, or Puffy, AKA Sean Combs).
* And again revealed here on Nov 26!!!
Friday, September 12, 2008
We all have our pet peeves, not to mention issues, right? Matt Damon's are Alaskan governors and Alaskan governors, I believe. Other stars go more towards education (Oprah) or women's rights (La Streisand), etc.
But Brucey Butter-Zinger is ferociously serious about his personal peeves, as they mainly involve thinking in a particular way many people find amusing. Think Woody and his hemp-powered philosophies, only far worse—say some. But ol' Brucey, dedicated zealot he be, does not care; at least he puts up a fine job of making folks think he doesn't give a whit what they think of his nutty and often heatedly exchanged ideas.
So, it was with perfectly reasonable expectations that Mr. B-Z had his "people" approach several businesses across the street from where BBZ was planning a fancy party to benefit his less-than-popular off-camera thoughts and endeavors. He asked that the commercial endeavors all close down, just for one night (for which they would be reimbursed), so as to make the glittery do more private, not to mention easier to maneuver, vehicle-wise.
Only prob being, all the businesses said no friggin' way, thankyouverymuch, each and every single one of them. Brucey was not pleased, though you (and the store owners) would never know it. Soiree went on just fine, without a hitch, too. But those businesses that said no to Brucey? Uh, they sure had probs, big-time, when the very next ayem, all their plumbing, which had never before been problematic, backed up, causing sewage disasters out the wazoo. Interesting timing? The owners all think not and are distinctly smelling a revengeful sewer rat. Me, too.
And it ain't: Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith, Kanye West
Blowing Second Chances
You’d think that she, of all people, would be more precious with her body. Not only because it’s so beautiful but also because she worked so hard to actually keep it.
But behind the face and up the nose, there is a serious, serious problem with blow. It started because she needed to keep her weight down, it has continued because she’s a full blown addict, devoting half her time to so called philanthropy, and the other half to hardcore happy. So much so that she’s now losing jobs as it’s no secret she can barely get down a carpet without rushing to the loo and hitting up some more which is where they found her at an event this week. A goodwill party turned almost disastrous when someone walked in and saw her slumped over the toilet, half conscious with bile dripping down her chin, her hair wet sticking to her face, begging to be allowed to stay at the party.
They managed to remove her from the venue without anyone noticing but the very very wealthy man she came with was so disgusted he immediately severed their relationship and worse still, the influential host of the festivities is now refusing to take her call.
A discreet visit to rehab is the next logical step but they worry she’s not ready until rock bottom, which appears to be just around the corner.
* Update Sept 19: Lainey has eliminated Jennifer Aniston, Darryl Hannah, Uma Thurman, Lindsay Lohan, Eva Mendes, Hilary Swank, Pam Anderson.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
One Boyishly Bothered Blind Vice
Isn't it interesting Lloyd Boy-Toyed is undertaking his latest media campaign to fight off rumors about everything under the tabloid sun—every topic save the one he wants to get out: that he sometimes likes young dudes in bed. Not Michael Jackson-style, mind you, but he sometimes likes 'em young. And to keep quiet. And you know what that means, doncha girlfriends? Occasionally Mr. Boy-Toyed's gotta give 'em the green. What a cold, hard, cashed-out town this can be, huh?
Let's see, Lloyd's busy mouthing off about his nasty battles with most everybody in the Biz, not to mention his more cherished (and known) companions and relatives. He appears to be a total crank-a-thon, really, but don't believe it for a sec. Oh, some of it's real, that's fer sure, but it's mostly for show, I assure you.
I have firsthand knowledge of Lloyd's more cunning agendas—not to mention the ones he prefers to get underway under the covers. Don't ask me how. I can't tell! I'm a married man now! I would never embark on something as nasty as tattling 'tween the sheets when I've got a superhoney at home. Quite the opposite of how Lloyd goes about things, trust.
Really, though, as sloppy as Lloyd's getting in the attempting-to-score department, he's gonna be out long before our beloved Toothy Tile, I assure you. Oh, and Lloyd-baby, I don't care, really. But, your blind-as-merde fans sure will. I say screw it, already! (Like you have so many guys.)
And It Ain't: Matthew Perry, David Duchovny, Kanye West
Update 9/25/11 - Ted has eliminated Matthew Perry, David Duchovny, Kanye West, Jon Voight, John Mayer, Ralph Fiennes, (Aaron Eckhart ?), John Travolta, Dean Cain, Billy Burke, George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Robert Downey Jr., Hugh Jackman
Please refer to the label below for links to the three newer LBT BVs.
Our top suspect: Alec Baldwin
Thursday, September 4, 2008
If motherhood is so rewarding, and what she’s been waiting for her entire
life, why is it that there is no evidence of motherhood in her home?
Particularly accessories. Pottery Barn doesn’t sell baby bottles. Which could be why she insists on banning them from the house?
How does she feed her child when there are no bottles in the house?
it’s because she doesn’t feed her child. It’s because the nannies feed
her child. The nannies do everything for the child all days of the
week. The nannies nanny morning and night while she works morning and
Perhaps that’s how she can justify her mandates: no
bottles in the house, only bottles in the nanny trailers. She’s the
* Update Sept 12: Lainey has eliminated Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, Salma Hayek, Christina Aguilera, Marcia Cross, Nicole Richie, Naomi Watts.
*** Nov 4 - Lainey has basically revealed this to be: Nicole Kidman ***
It's not just Russell Crowe who has anger issues...only he was stupid enough to beat down a dude who didn't have to survive in the business.
This ferocious lady who in these circles has always been known to be a difficult bitch keeps her attacks, with a few exceptions (like if you make the mistake of not getting out of her way quickly enough at the airport), restricted to those who have to work around her. Like PAs and caterers, makeup artists. Whichever minion catches her in a bad mood and depending on the crime, it could result in an open hand slap to the face, throwing coffee all over someone's pants, and most recently, when craft services wasn't up to her exacting standards, stalking up to an unsuspecting staffer, ripping the phone out of his ear, and screeching to the person on the other line: "you've been talking to a retard who can't do his job."
Apparently her episodes have been getting more and more violent, so much so that the director and producer on her current project have had to call in reinforcements: her husband is now travelling with her to calm her now legendary temper but also to look after the little one, who has been exposed on more than a few occasions to her viotriolic outbursts. So far...it's working. Everyone is relieved but also extra, extra cautious. Calm before the storm.
Comment below -
* Update Sept 30: Lainey has eliminated Courtney Cox Arquette, Jessica Alba, Kim Basinger, Debra Messing, Kate Beckinsale, Kate Hudson, Nicole Richie, Rachel Weisz, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Garner, Katie Holmes, Salma Hayek, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Diane Lane, Brooke Shields.