Sunday, March 30, 2008
King of Hearts
When an actor is more beautiful than his female co-stars, rumors abound. Exhibit A? Jonathan Rhys Meyers, whose recent turns in The Tudors and August Rush have stoked the flames of both sexes-and the tongues of all gossips. To quell speculation about Mr. Rhys Meyers' carnality, his publicists banned him from speaking to us at his Showtime premiere. But he seems to enjoy all the talk, declaring his Tudors co-star Peter O'Toole "my infinitely better half" while standing alongside his girlfriend, cosmetics heiress Reena Hammer. That will hardly silence the whispers linking him to a certain fashion homme.
Which TV actress has been an "up and comer" for 10 years, and not because of her talent? The lithe lady is so bitchy on-set, producers find creative ways to kill her off because they despise dealing with her.
This is probably someone who has been on several shows..I'm drawing a blank. I want to say Teri Hatcher but she's been on DH a few years now. I'm thinking a bit younger.
Friday, March 28, 2008
One Whipping Oy Blind Vice
Snarla Sledgehammer isn’t known for being subtle. She’s made her name—some say living—by being entirely in-your-face, whether you deserve it or not. And in the so-hip arena of blogging/TV commentary, the multitalented, attractive-enough babe (who’s got more hair than style sense, to be brutally Snarla-esque about it) currently shines, struts and reigns supreme. But then again, that arguable pro point’s hardly the thrust of this Vice.
Several years ago, SSH had a child, Spawna Sledgehammer. Lovely kid, really, but due to Snarla’s overzealous prioritizing of all things kiddie, turned out Ms. S couldn’t even take a dump without consulting her offspring’s homework schedule, much to the chagrin of Snarla’s friends and colleagues, who became increasingly frustrated with being cast aside—always in the name of playdates, and such. Snarla became reliable for snapping at her fancyass fellow workers not to interfere with her all-holy maternal duties. Not wise. But then she made the truly unfortunate choice of repeating the same self-obsessed behavior with trusted confidantes, including Pete Priss-Ass, a well-known fagola fellow boob-tuber and writer, whom Spawna had always leaned on for lengthy bitch sessions.
Much to the shock of many, Pete—not exactly a choosy customer in the great grocery store of love (he often squeezed melons he really shoulda stayed away from)—got himself engaged. Stunned, but more so ecstatic, PPA rang up his good amiga, whom he adored, and, absolutely beaming over the phone, invited Snarla & fam to the small, out-of-state ceremony.
“It’s not convenient,” was SSH’s first reaction. No congrats. No words of good-wishing gooeyness, just a thorough chastising for Pete’s thoughtlessness in selecting a wedding date not conducive to—you guessed it—Spawna’s activity schedule. Ouch! Does Pete have some kinda S&M thing going for his friendships, or did he just not get the memo that hetero day-planning always trumps homo?
And it ain't: Pamela Anderson, Arianna Huffington, Nancy Grace
Update March 6, 2009 - Ted has revealed himself to be Pete Priss-Ass.
Top Suspect for Snarla Sledgehammer - Jules Asner.
* Here is the link to the new Pete Priss-Ass BV from Sept 2010. Not sure why Ted kept his same BV nickname even though he revealed himself. He went against his rule... maybe because it is himself?
If this one’s true, Butch Spit-Spat should haul out a friggin’ movie about it—after all, isn’t that something he does rather well?
BSS, never one to be exactly primo to the ladies after bedding them, was nevertheless around one of them long enough to father a kid, now a teenager. And according to an outraged acquaintance of Blondie-Babe, a rising young twentysomething honey-haired actress, Blondie’s screwing Butch’s 15-year-old boy. Said amigo is trying to get B2 hauled into jail, much to the Spit-Spat boy’s great dissatisfaction, I’m sure.
Jeez. Don’t know whether to call the cops or Entertainment Tonight on this one. Both would treat the story the same, I suspect.
And it ain't: Michael Madsen, Will Smith, Jack Nicholson
* UPDATE 5/20/08- Ted has confirmed Butch Spit Spat is Billy Bob Thornton. *
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Opportunity knocks but the past also drags. She has much to look forward to, and big shoes to fill, but the work is steady and only getting steadier and being attached to highly anticipated projects never hurts either.
Only slight problem… the man in her life isn’t exactly supportive. Part jealousy, part insecurity, and he knows how to hold her, even though she’d much rather, personally and professionally, be rid of the baggage.
Unfortunately he is unscrupulously forcing her to love him by good old fashioned blackmail. Because somehow she found herself in a delicate situation not too long ago and decided not to join the 08/08/08 sweepstakes. When she took care of it without his blessing, he hit the roof, and threatened to go public. She and her management have placated him for now.
But it’s the kind of scandal that would not sit well with the MiniVan Majority.
And so she’s waiting it out. Waiting for the right time to cut him loose, while he keeps pressing to make their commitment more permanent.
* Update 4/17/08 - Lainey says it's NOT Keira Knightley, Beyonce, Kristen Bell, Eva Mendes, Rachel Bilson, Kate Hudson, Sienna Miller, Marion Cotillard, Eva Mendes, Heidi Montag, Fergie, Charlize Theron, Scarlett Johansson, Brittany Murphy, Hilary Swank, Katie Holmes, Rebecca Romijn.
* Top Suspect: Megan Fox/Brian Austin Green
* Update 1/14/09: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green revealed to be subject of this blind item!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Which political big wig's secret sex fantasy involves being choked by his lady lovers in the bedroom?
Which Academy Award-winning actress is so self-conscious she can't have any mirrors in her New York townhouse? She instructed her decorator to hang a portrait above the bathroom sink in lieu of a looking glass.
I don't know...
Which oh-so-famous young couple parted ways not that long ago, he and she both of multitalented varieties, over her fairly indiscreet dalliances? Can you imagine, perhaps, who we are inferring? Sure ya can! Guess what? Just found out what caused that poor hon to be so naughty with other dudes while she was off filming on location. Turns out, while back at home in Hollywood, missy's hubby had a "light switch" for a penis (so reports a switch-witness). Hence, philandering wifey—we'll call her Inpenna Never-Trated—felt totally at a loss and doomed, sexually speaking, until she was woken up by costar X, soon to be followed by dude Z and the rest of the male alphabet. Girl was dee-lighted to discover what she'd been missing!
So obvious! Apparently someone who was only with one man, and the one we all know did that would be...
* Top suspect: Jessica Simpson (co-star with no nickname Nick Lachey)
March 24, 2008 -- WHICH wrinkled, divorced dermatologist was hitting on the sales beauties at Bergdorf Goodman? He jumped from one to the next, pressing them for their digits, and one crafty hottie slipped him a wrong phone number just to get rid of him.
Like I have any idea who this is. Why would I know any wrinkled divorced dermatologists in NY? I don't know why I am bother posting this one. If anyone knows feel free to reveal. Big woop.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Which fabulously successful star’s keepin’ her Sapphic ways silent, time for the sexually stymied Friday Blind Vice!
Browhilda Frown-Free is like the typical male. She lives to have it both ways: B-gal just adores the press her man-trotting habits afford her, and then she gets to strut home to the gal she keeps safely, deliciously tucked in bed. Why not? Everybody’s been pulling this fake-o stuff in H-town for ages! But, as you’ll find out in One Backfire-for-Hire Blind Vice, not all dudes agree to deceive with equal discretion. Yikes!
One Backfire-For-Hire Blind Vice
Browhilda Frown-Free has just about everything a once desperately ambitious, unknown actress could desire: fame, wealth, notorious love, Academy Award notice, great bone structure, fab hair, free cosmetic procedures for the taking—everything but the freedom to love the one she's (really) with. Don't worry though, babes, Brow's been down this fake-amour alley before. She's a friggin' pro at navigating the affectionless twists and turns of the overly photographed.
Howev, BFF's latest man experience—heady as it all may be—has become slightly more than Browhilda's used to, what with her past liaisons of coolly arranged get-togethers. You know the age-old ersatz Hollywood plan: A couple goes out for a red carpet whatever; then they go in for separate, much more private dalliances with their same-sex partners. Brow's had this setup with almost every man she's hooked up with before.
But Ms. F.F.'s latest dude—who's more than happy to bed every slobbering femme he can find—has turned out to be far messier than Brow-babe would prefer. Not only does he womanize with indiscretion, he's stupidly starting to make a loud and rather visible stink about Brow's increased devotion to her current g-f. How does that Shakespearean saying go? Oh what a tangled guy web we weave, when at first we hetero deceive? Watch out, Brow, we be onto ya!
And it ain't: Renee Zellweger, Tilda Swinton, Catherine Zeta-Jones
* Update - Ted has eliminated Renee Zellweger, Tilda Swinton, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Kate Hudson, Halle Berry, Demi Moore, Hayden Panettiere, Jennifer Ansiton.
(hints from Ted - this woman is older than Hayden Panty-hair but younger than Kate Hudson).
Monday, March 17, 2008
Jakey Blue Eyes finally shaved his babyface of that in-mourning scruff—hope the babe's feelin' better, we don't want those pearly whites to be hidden forever. J.G. also was slightly limping. I suspect it's all that cavorting around cafés with Reese that's taking a toll on this typically tight-lipped, low-key lad. He trotted off in a Toyota Camry, proof that this unobnoxious stud likes to keep his presence truly private and out of People spreads. Wonder what changed his clandestine ways...maybe love? Hardly.
...He also outs Teri Hatcher as Death Mint Myrtle. Disappointing, predictable. Very recent pics of her really didn't look that bad to me.
Friday, March 14, 2008
It's barely legal (heterosexual, for a damn change) nooky time in Friday’s Blind Vice!
For this week’s One Same-Old, Shame-Old Blind Vice, take your bestest gander at which supposedly snitty ‘n’ classy movie gal is a totally easy score, if you just give her fancy enough trappings when you try to bed her. Busybody guessers, take your mark...
One Same-Old, Shame-Old Blind Vice
Love Life is a smart flick that became a megahit with everyone from teens to adults, with some critical trophy amour thrown in for good measure. Shark Wankberg, a supersuccessful catch (some say), was the main man behind funding the somewhat quirky film. However, the only reason the damn movie got greenlighted in the first place wasn’t because of the offbeat script that floated all over T-town, but because Sharky wanted to sleep with terribly classy Sheila Slurp-Never, who was famously attached to the project.
See, Sheila’s been a rising star since she first stepped onto the silver screen. Shee-babe’s respected and talented—not to mention quite doable—and S.W. set his sights on bedding the hon some time ago, trust. But as Ms. Slurp-Never puts up such a good act of being the pissy, high-minded brainy type, the horny dude never thought he had a chance getting the broad between the sheets. But that certainly didn’t mean Shark didn’t try his utter best.
Mr. Wankberg saw to it to lay out the cash to get Love’s production rolling along, using his producer power as an excuse to get closer to SSN. And sometime during the filming of the movie that would actually turn out to make millions, Sharky finagled an opportunity to wine and dine Sheila on his yacht, and they did, indeed, do the deed. Turned out to be a piece o’ (very expensive) nooky cake for Shark, much to his slutty surprise.
Regardless, the S’s stealthy sexploits were kept hush-hush—could it be because SSN is a few decades Shark’s junior? Or maybe it’s because Sheila found out about Sharkie’s funding favor for the film and felt obligated to him? Doubt it. She be a horncat, that babe.
On a power-salacious side-note, Ms. Slurp-Never’s costar was also sneaking beneath the sheets with one of the flick’s other producer-types, though less scandalously so since their ages (and intentions) were more on the same page. Boring!
And it ain't: Parker Posey, Jamie-Lynn Spears, Virginia Madsen
Update 1/31/11 - Ted has eliminated Parker Posey, Jamie-Lynn Spears, Virginia Madsen, Scarlett Johannson, Reese Witherspoon, Keira Knightley, Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt, Michelle Williams/Spike Jonze
Our top suspects:
Sheila Slurp-Never: Natalie Portman
Shank Wankberg: ?
Thursday, March 13, 2008
March 13, 2008 -- WHICH friendly actor recently fell off the wagon? Though he's been in rehab several times, he was spotted stumbling out of a Hollywood hotel at 7 a.m. looking totally "wasted" . . . WHICH creepy flack has a reputation for being overly aggressive with women? He was recently booted from a nightclub for manhandling a young lady and pulling her hair . . . WHICH young soap starlet made networks execs extremely nervous when she was starting out? She was known for fooling around with her much older producers . . . WHICH Hollywood hunk cheats on his gorgeous model girlfriend all the time? They've been together for a while but he's clearly not ready to settle down.
The first one is obvious, I think...see comments
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
#1 Our corrupting influence of a socialite managed to weave her web and ensnare another gorgeous, apparently straight victim. Her latest conquest is a celebutante/model/hostess with the very famous celebrity boyfriend.#2 This Hills and/or Laguna Beach star is pregnant. Now if we could just figure out the daddy.
Which middle-age Lothario famous for playing a small-screen love interest has been using his renewed fame to land very young women? One recent hookup was all of 16 years old.
??????Guesses in comments.....
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
It’s either diva bitches or cokeheads these days, don’t ask me why…Many assumed she’d chilled out on the hardcore life, taking a more low key approach, curbing several vices, focusing on career and love. Apparently not so. In fact, she raging even harder these days. Makes it more fun when there’s a partner. And while recreational use is generally accepted in Hollywood, powdering your nose on the job, all day long, day after day… suffice to say, when you can surprise the industry, you might be going overboard on the consumption.Currently working on a new project, she often has to head for the ladies almost every 10 minutes. Glassy eyed and wired all day long, it’s now her only way to get through the long hours. Sniffling and bumbling at the start, bouncing off the walls in no time, so far it hasn’t been a problem because she’s stayed on top of her game. But the other day, when rushed for a scene by the crew, she decided to hoover a thick line on a mirror on the table in the makeup trailer while the stylists had stepped out, laying out so much that what was left over on both sides could have been divided themselves to yield another two lines and so on and so on. Like the cocaine version of cellular division. All hell then broke loose when the leftover blow was discovered as there are children who visit the set rather frequently and so the star was given a stern, uncomfortable talking to, after which she did sweetly apologise to everyone around and treat the crew to snacks and goodies on her but is now being watched closely in the hopes she can control herself enough to see the shoot through on time.
Not Uma Thurman.
Update 3/18 - Lainey has eliminated Megan Fox, Renee Zellweger, Winona Ryder, Kate Beckinsale, Charlize Theron, Kate Bosworth, Cameron Diaz, Isla Fisher, Liv Tyler.
* Suspected: Sienna Miller
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Who's the latest star to go (no, not gay) totally and pathetically drug addicted? Take a peek in the badass Blind Vice Friday!
Vicky Vamp Void has about as much talent as she can fit into her cute little new schnoz. She also has an amour partner, far more promising in the creative goods department, who she’s fastly getting as drug addicted as she is. Revenge? Or just for companion kicks? Take your best guess in One New Nose About It Blind Vice!
One New Nose About It Blind Vice
Vicky Vamp Void recently had some work done to her famed bod, though we think her old mug is just as shrugworthy as her new one. The unnecessary surgery seemed completely cosmetic, but ya never know—cocaine does do some pretty rancid damage to the ol’ septum, boys ‘n’ girls. Stick to Diet Rockstar, kiddos, ‘kay? Vicky has been spotted in the past casually snorting the white stuff at the Spider Club, the semiexclusive hot spot atop Hell-Ay’s Avalon. Spider might be a private place, but Vicks nonchalantly nosedived in front of tons of spying eyes like it was no big deal. Usually, it sure ain’t, since who's left in T-town to throw stones at when everyone’s taken a sniff or two time and time again? But so it goes when you’re a superceleb. Your fun night out becomes game for goss, fer sure—not that getting caught with coke could sink this supposed young role model’s rep much lower.
Recently, VVV’s been seen around just about every hip hang with her intriguing, sexually mysterious partner in crime, Humpy Harlow. The tingling twosome are more than happy to parade in front of the paps, soaring as high as weather balloons. But why is H2, a heretofore pretty iconoclastic star, going along for the Us Weekly upchuck ride? Dunno. Might have something do with the fact that, prior to being attached to V3’s barely there notoriety, Hump was known to not exactly party.
Just a hunch there. But, uh, look for Harlow’s brand-new puss, too, sometime in ’09, we suspect.
Guess H.H. has picked up some average (and lethal) Hell-Ay habits from this wild child gal-pal.
And it ain't: Miley Cyrus, Rachel Bilson, Vanessa Hudgens
Update 2/18/11 -
For Vicky Vamp-Void, Ted has eliminated Miley Cyrus, Rachel Bilson, Vanessa Hudgens, Drew Barrymore, Victoria Beckham, Lindsay Lohan, Scarlett Johansson, Camille Grammer, Courteney Cox, Nicole Richie.
For Humpy Harlow, Ted has eliminated Justin Long, Katie Holmes.
* Top suspects:
Vicky Vamp-Void = Ashlee Simpson
Humpy Harlow = Pete Wentz
Here is the new VVV BV from Feb 11 2011.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Guesses in comments...
Monday, March 3, 2008
The Wrong Colour, the Wrong Number
It’s officially an epidemic – celebrities walking around intoxicated by their own ridiculous sense of entitlement, unleashing a steady stream of bad behaviour for which my Chinese squawking chicken mother would have me flogged if I ever dared to emulate.
For some people however fame excuses the need for good manners. For this girl who is NOT the “no looking” one from last week, fame excuses the need to be appreciative and grateful and shameful.
So she’s promoting a new project, is making the rounds. Gets picked up in a very very high end luxury car. Like super luxury. It pulls up to pick her up and she refuses to get in because “she doesn’t like the colour”. It’s too bright. She doesn’t “do that colour”.
After half an hour she’s finally coaxed inside. Then she throws another fit because there are 5 water bottles inside the car. Odd numbers. She doesn’t like odd numbers. She specifically requested even numbers. Near meltdown ensues.
Next stop – her dressing room on a show where she’s scheduled to perform. Her people apparently requested “skinny mirrors’. Skinny mirrors were not ordered. Regular mirrors were ordered. She takes one look at herself and threatens to walk. She is placated by the promise of a one week resort stay in the Caribbean. And I haven’t even bothered to share the details of her catering complaints: not enough sashimi, not enough champagne, sandwiches were too soggy, and on and on and on.
Someone needs to invent The Slapper. The Slapper needs to slap this bitch hard.
Let me save you some work: not Mimi, Whitney, Janet, Madonna, or Lopez
Interesting that she already eliminated some for us!
Update 3/19/08 - It's also not Beyonce, Rihanna, Mary J Blige, Paula Abdul, Toni Braxton, Cher, Kelly Clarkson, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, Avril Lavigne, Scarlett Johannson, Celine Dion, Jordin Sparks.
Guess in comments.
* Top guess - Ashlee Simpson
Boys are Bitches too!
And not just the gay ones.
He is happily attached but his entire persona pre-commitment was based on the fact that he was just a dude. An immature funloving dude. An un-Hollywood dude who routinely pointed out the Hollywood hypocrisy of many other Hollywood dudes and douchebags.
Now he’s a big star in an A List relationship. Which of course gives him the right to act like a self important little big twat. But how f&cking spiritual is this?
Photo shoot this weekend for a gadget company he endorses. He too pulls out the primadonna moves:
Shows up 3 hours late. And again – don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, don’t even sneeze in my direction, and yes… it was made clear that he preferred to be alone with the photographer between frames, necessitating a run and gun scramble from the crew, meaning the photographer would have to holler for help in a different room every time an adjustment needed to be made.
Can you imagine? Can you imagine verbalising that order? Don’t look at me and don’t talk to me? When did that become ok?
Word is this is not unusual. It’s actually standard procedure where he’s concerned. On another occasion, he was particularly demanding when it came to his favourite tea, steeped for exactly 6 minutes, always needs to be piping hot even if he doesn’t touch it, can’t be microwaved, and he doesn’t like boiled tap water either. He wanted boiled bottled water. A special brand.
It never, ever stops. And it’s even worse when he’s with her. Apparently her makeup brushes have to be cleaned in special water too.
Update 3/5/08 - Lainey has eliminated Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Brady, Justin Timberlake, Jake Gyllenhaal.
Guess in comments!
* Suspected: Ashton Kutcher