Friday, March 28, 2008

One Whipping Oy Blind Vice

Second BV today...

One Whipping Oy Blind Vice
Snarla Sledgehammer isn’t known for being subtle. She’s made her name—some say living—by being entirely in-your-face, whether you deserve it or not. And in the so-hip arena of blogging/TV commentary, the multitalented, attractive-enough babe (who’s got more hair than style sense, to be brutally Snarla-esque about it) currently shines, struts and reigns supreme. But then again, that arguable pro point’s hardly the thrust of this Vice.
Several years ago, SSH had a child, Spawna Sledgehammer. Lovely kid, really, but due to Snarla’s overzealous prioritizing of all things kiddie, turned out Ms. S couldn’t even take a dump without consulting her offspring’s homework schedule, much to the chagrin of Snarla’s friends and colleagues, who became increasingly frustrated with being cast aside—always in the name of playdates, and such. Snarla became reliable for snapping at her fancyass fellow workers not to interfere with her all-holy maternal duties. Not wise. But then she made the truly unfortunate choice of repeating the same self-obsessed behavior with trusted confidantes, including Pete Priss-Ass, a well-known fagola fellow boob-tuber and writer, whom Spawna had always leaned on for lengthy bitch sessions.
Much to the shock of many, Pete—not exactly a choosy customer in the great grocery store of love (he often squeezed melons he really shoulda stayed away from)—got himself engaged. Stunned, but more so ecstatic, PPA rang up his good amiga, whom he adored, and, absolutely beaming over the phone, invited Snarla & fam to the small, out-of-state ceremony.
“It’s not convenient,” was SSH’s first reaction. No congrats. No words of good-wishing gooeyness, just a thorough chastising for Pete’s thoughtlessness in selecting a wedding date not conducive to—you guessed it—Spawna’s activity schedule. Ouch! Does Pete have some kinda S&M thing going for his friendships, or did he just not get the memo that hetero day-planning always trumps homo?

And it ain't: Pamela Anderson, Arianna Huffington, Nancy Grace

Update March 6, 2009 - Ted has revealed himself to be Pete Priss-Ass.
Top Suspect for Snarla Sledgehammer - Jules Asner.

* Here is the link to the new Pete Priss-Ass BV from Sept 2010.  Not sure why Ted kept his same BV nickname even though he revealed himself.   He went against his rule... maybe because it is himself?


mo said...

I think Ted was stretching here... this is kind of a lame Blind Vice if you ask me! Anyway, I really can't think of who this could be. Any ideas?

duffgrl said...

I feel like Pete (PPA) could be Ted. As for Snarla-don't know but one of Ted's ET cronies? Someone who blogs, is probably on TV, has a chil and probably only one. I thought it was Rosie at first but no. Can't figure it out.

duffgrl said...

All I can think of right now is Melissa Rivers and Nancy O'Dell-although I think it is someone more high-profile. Don't think it's Rosie as it sounds like someone "hetero". Also, I think it's someone LA-based; not NY based.She probably has one child (would fit Melissa)
If this is Ted-he sounds pissed off!

blurry vice said...

Yea, Pete Priss Ass is definitely Ted himself. It's just a question of who the woman is. Definitely hetero. Kelly Ripa? Or Melissa Rivers is a good guess.
I guess he was really pissed off and decided to write a BV about it.

blurry vice said...

Snarla is not Chelsea Handler. Says Ted, "No, but you aren't too far off. Think less blond, just as bitchy!"

blurry vice said...

Also, not Debra Messing - "How can I put this? D.M. is way too dumb for Snarla’s correct identity"

Also, not Catt Sandler - "Sweet as I think Catt is, darlin’, I barely know the babe, just from getting coffee at the E! deli (a cesspool of grilled cheeses and even greasier grandstanding). Otherwise, you would be correct."

(I think Ted basically outs himself as Pete Priss Ass for this BV here from saying that he barely knows her.)

blurry vice said...

Not Sarah Silverman - "Snarla ain’t that shrill ‘n’ cruel, I assure you. Think more discretely lethal."

blurry vice said...

Not Joan Rivers - "Babe, Joan’s nice to moi, always has been."

- I think this hints that it is Melisa Rivers.

blurry vice said...

From Ted's mailbag today -

"Dear Ted:
Are you still friends with Jules Asner? By the way, some of us are still waiting for pics of you and your hubby, Jon.
Newburyport, Mass.

Dear Team B:
Jules and I do go way back, and besides, she knows too many of my Blind Vices to have her as an enemy. And here's Jon and I in Kauai, secs after getting hitched. Mahalo!"

Jules Asner for this BV?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Have you ever been the subject of your own Blind Vice tales? Love ya in Texas!
—Miss Valerie

Dear Ted's Tails:
Yep. It was the one with Pete Priss-Ass, or something stupid like that."

M-shi said...

jules asner has no children

Unknown said...

How about Leslie Gornstein the "Answer Bitch" on Eonline? Ted works with her and could have been a friend at one time. He has made some snarky comments about her in his column and I was wondering if there was a fued going on.