Sunday, May 31, 2009

One Total Femme-Faker Blind Vice

Hayden Panettiere 24X36 Poster #10From Friday May 29 -

One Total Femme-Faker Blind Vice
No kinky homo lovin' in this week's Blind, either, folks, just some straight-up hetero debauchery! Does that make you happy or sad? Relieved, regardless, I'm sure. Anyways, guess all the gays were too busy protesting this week (or hiding indoors lest they come across as too sympathetic to the cause—we know we didn't see Toothy out and about holding a sign in WeHo!). So, that leaves us with Dominique (Dommy) Do-Rightly, rising star.
See, Dom's a ton more popular on the small screen than on the big one—tho for some silly reason she keeps desperately trying to make the film thing work. But Dommy's still managed to rack up a ridiculous amount of fans, all who think she's just so über-cute and cuddly, like a posh stuffed teddy bear.
But would they still fawn over her so much if they knew their darling 'n' wholesome girl's one freaky wild party animal? We know we'd like her a whole lot more if she just fessed up to it!
Ms. Do-Rightly likes the public to think she's all about goin' organic, living healthy, saving the world and being an all-around sweetie-pie. Make me puke right now. Ugh.
I never bought that faux persona on this stink-eyed star, but I'm used to celebs totally lying about who they are! Those who know Dommy personally can't stand how stuck-up the bitchy babe is. She often refuses to promote her latest flicks as much as she's told, leaving all the legwork to her second billed, bitter costars.
No one can friggin' put up with the diva's demands anymore—that is, of course, except other divas! DDR is spending more and more time with skanky H'wood regulars—privately, at house parties, since public outings together would be oh so disastrous to Dom's clean-cut image.
At one such recent drug-infested fete, DDR boozed-and-bashed till all hours of the morning, blasting party energy up her nose and wrapping her legs, tongues, what have ya around dudes left and right, using the hostess's totally expensive living room couch to show off her moves (not like that sofa hasn't been tarnished enough with party germs already). And this was milliseconds after splitting with her last famous man! Guess that explains who did the dumping in that doomed relaysh.
Hey, got an idea! Maybe Dommy oughta bring her slutty ways out of hiding—look how much press Paris gets! And she gets whole damn perfume lines, too! What does Dommy have? A few politically correct endorsements here and there—and we sure know that ain't enough headline attention for a naughty nose-candy princess like DDR!
And it ain't: Amber Tamblyn, Blake Lively, Miley Cyrus
Update 7/8/09 - Ted has eliminated: Katherine Heigl, Sophia Bush, Chelsea Handler, Amber Tamblyn, Blake Lively, Miley Cyrus, Ana Paquin, Lauren Conrad, AnnaLynne McCord, Paris Hilton, Jennifer Aniston, Amanda Bynes.

* Top guess: Hayden Panetierre.

Here is a link to the second (more recent) Dommy Blind Vice.

Friday, May 22, 2009

One Sex, Booze and Brawling Blind Vice

New from Ted today -

One Sex, Booze and Brawling Blind Vice

Finally! Somebody's actually having some heterosexual sex in Hollywood—love it! But it was some messy nooky, I'll tell ya that much: Myra MySpace and Booby Butt-Wipe, who actually used to date each other in real life, recently filmed a project together. A hotel downtown acted as the shoot's somewhat cheesy location, and filming was just planned for the day in a slightly seedy suite.

Scene being filmed? Two girls fighting over one kinda hot dude. It was supposed to be all low-energy Penthouse pseudo-sex, but what ended up happening was Hustler-style screwing in the bedroom, between shots, and some WWE-worthy battling between the two gals while filming!

Here's what went down, as it were:

Myra, who considers herself a real Tila Tequila model of sexual media energy, what with her impressive online following, did not like it when she discovered that the other girl chosen for the job was an actual porn star. No good, snipped Myra. Booby, who just wanted to get it on with whomever he could (kinda like how he is all the time, both when filming his tragic reality show, and not), didn't care.

He's the one getting serviced in the scene, what's it to him?

So Myra , in order to soothe her insulted feelings that her higher art of nonporn existence was being tarnished, picked up the nearby bottle of Jack Daniels, which was a prop, mind you. Nevertheless, Myra guzzled the whole damn thing and then started taking Booby, who was wearing boxer shorts with nothing underneath, into the nearby bedroom for extended breaks, at the end of which Butt-Wipe would reenter the suite's living area, somewhat glazed, his shorts tenting out to West Hollywood, practically.

But then Myra got so boozed up, she started fighting and clawing with the porn star—for real, on camera—and hitting the production assistant who took the whiskey away from the drunken broad. Jeez! Sounds so much more fun to shoot instead of the soft-porn-style scene the threesome was supposed to do!

Oh, and if you're Booby's famous, current TV girlfriend, pretend you didn't read this.

And it ain't: Brody Jenner & Audrina Patridge, Lauren Conrad & Stephen Colletti, Zak Penley & Kenley Collins

Update May 31 - Ted eliminated Bret Michaels.

NYDN Gatecrasher - 5.22.09

WICKED WHISPERS: Which newly attached TV actress got it on with a gawky star from the same network?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Janet Charlton-Hollywood Whodunit

This rockin' young couple's marriage is in big trouble but not for the obvious reasons. The cute wife has been seen out and about with a Hollywood hipster and her husband is looking to beat the guy up. Actually the hipster is NOT fooling around with the wife - he's just providing drugs and fun. In reality the wife is secretly cheating with someone else- specifically her lookalike female assistant! She recently decided she's bisexual.

Friday, May 15, 2009

One Come On In Blind Vice

New from Ted:

One Come On In Blind Vice
If you have a problem with yet another Blind Vice being about veiled same-sex goings-on, you really are reading about the wrong community. This is Hollywood, home of the unfree and the unbrave, a city where everybody pretends to be something they're not—and I don't just mean the gays.
But today's Blind Vice is all about a TV personality who not only goes commando when he's hanging at his buddy's apartment, but who hits on whoever walks through the damn front door!
Woody Drop-Hint's a total guy's guy. He struts around his nonscripted TV offering, helping run things, not only with considerable aplomb and charm, he's totally doable while doing it, too! Woody's a really approachable guy, for sure. So much so he approached a guy who just happens to be...
A very close friend of the Awful Truth, if Woody only knew! So, there Mr. Drop-Hint was, all studly, burly and hangin' loose in his gym shorts over at a friend's Hollywood apartment. But Woody's pal, who was out at the moment, needed Drop-Hint to do a favor for him: As he was moving soon, would Woody be so kind as to show the pad to a potential renter?
Sure thing, bro, no prob!
Buzzz. Flop. Flop. Flop. FOT (Friend of Truth) hears Woody coming to answer the door, just off the Sunset Strip, obviously barefoot. The posh apartment door swings open and Woody's eyes laser right through FOT's humpy and chiseled bod like he's something up on some porno website.
Woody says, "Hey..."
FOT, taken aback by the double whammy of Drop-Hint's fame, as well as the eyeballs so busy undressing him, says, "Oh, hi! I'm here to look at the apartment!"
Woody: "Yeah, that all?
FOT: "All what?"
Woody: "You want to look at?"
FOT [Awkwardly grimacing]: "Yes...?"
Our intrepid and pretty pumped source then toured the apartment as best he could, despite Woody getting an erection beneath his unstrung gym shorts, fondling it and asking FOT if he didn't "want to stay a while?"
FOT, for some reason I'm not entirely not sure I understand, declined. But suffice it to say, he's probably happier with himself today because of it. Toothy Tile he's obviously not.

It Ain't: Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Seacrest, Howie Mandel

Updates here.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Blind Vice: Married Hit Man's Horrible Path

From Fri May 8:

Blind Vice: Married Hit Man's Horrible Path

Enough with the retardalicious closeted gay movies stars. They're so two movie-weekend openings ago! Now, it's back to the straights being as predictably sleazy as only het (men, mainly) can be! 'Cause, let's just be honest here, the real creepsters are you opposite-sex folk out there.
Josh Brolin - October 18, 2008And not the single ones, either: The ultimately dangerous dudes to watch are those who have wedding rings on their left hands. You'd think that piece of jewelry would remind Sock-It-to-You Sleazewad to not go and grope female private parts that don't belong to his wife.
Yep, the incredibly sexy Sock-It isn't just an incredible actor on screen, but off, as well. He makes you believe that all things are perf in that marriage of his—particularly when chatting to an equally talented and beautiful honey (how sorta Sean Penn of him).
But as usual in Hollywood, life is not as it's portrayed:
Sock-It isn't only sticking it to his wife (painfully so), but other babes in town, as well. And he likes 'em young, too. Legal of course, but youthful, vibrant and frisky. Maybe that's because that way, these conquests of Sock-It's are too naïve to know that a married alcoholic with a coke fetish and a penchant for slapping up his women isn't exactly a winner.
As for Sleaze's wife? Oh she knows what's going on. But this babe has such history with her man she's not going anywhere. Besides, she's caught in that hideous trap. The one Rihanna had hopes of climbing out of. Maybe she still does?
All women run when you see Sock-It lurching your the police if you have to!
And it Ain't: Sean Penn, David Duchovny, Ben Affleck

Update 2/17/12 - Ted has eliminated David Boreanaz, Jensen Ackles, Chris Brown, Robert Pattinson.

* Top suspect: Josh Brolin.
* Ted hints July 13 that Josh Brolin is cheating on Diane Lane.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

NYDN Gatecrasher - 5.6.09

New York Daily News Gatecrasher today:

WICKED WHISPERS: Which very taken Oscar winner has been sending lots of flowers to a pretty fashion publicist?

Friday, May 1, 2009

One Deep Throat Blind Vice

New from Ted today:

One Deep Throat Blind Vice
Judas Jack-Off may not be Toothy Tile's only homo closeted contender for barely concealed, borderline same-sex man activity here in H-town. And I don't mean Crotch Uh-Lastic (who's getting a bit bored with all that water-sport play-acting, I hear).
Nope, I'm talkin' somebody else, somebody younger, somebody who's now a fabulous repeat Blind Vice offender! Do you remember...
Crescent Kumquat, the absolutely beautiful dude whose sexuality seems to be as up in the air as is his career?
See, last time we met C.K., the mainstream hottie had a dirty little habit of waking up after nights out in his male "friends' " beds, instead of with the girls he would occasionally bring home. But we never heard of much more than just some heavy petting going on—cuddling, spooning, real Taylor Lautner kinda stuff—which you can usually blame on the alc.
Well, Kumquat has taken it to the next level. Good bad boy!
Very PG folks, but telling nonetheless. C.K. has been caught getting hot and heavy, jamming his tongue down—way, way down—myriad willing dude's throat around when he parties privately. And I don't mean the bedroom, either. Out in the open, in the friggin' living, dining and family rooms of these get-togethers!
That said, C.K.'s no John Mayer and out in the open bout it (relatively speaking). Cres-babe's still in the "experimental phase," I'm told, and he's attempting to keep it all at least somewhat private, but we know where this kinda secret-party fooling around usually leads. To this very blolumn for more installments!
Also, an important thing to note is that C.K. isn't publicly playing the bearded card (like most of this closeted celeb group does). We hardly ever see this amazingly pretty guy with girls. Like ever. And it's superweird, too, 'cause Kum could have loads of babes with his heartthrob status rising—or leveled out, at least.
If Crescent's mediocre talent and hot looks keep getting him better gigs, we bet a fauxmance will follow, no question.
And it ain't: John Mayer, Corbin Bleu, Taylor Kitsch

* Here is a link to the previous Crescent Kumquat blind vice from Jan '09, including a full list of everyone eliminated. And here is the link to the third CK BV from January 2010.  And here is the fourth, and here's the fifth, CK BV from April 2010.  Also here is the sixth, most recent CK BV from May 2010.

* Chace Crawford is still our top guess!