Wednesday, April 30, 2008

4/30/08: One Karma-Killin BV- solved?

According to TMZ, Billy Bob Thornton's 14-year-old son is at the center of an investigation after reports that he was having "unlawful sex" w/ a 22-year-old woman. The identity of the woman was not revealed but she may be facing charges. Looks like Billy Bob may be our "Butch Spit Spat".

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

4/29/08: Ted hints John Mayer is Super Dooper Cooper

John Mayer 22X34 Rolling Stone Mag Cover 5169"Dear Ted:Is Super Duper Cooper from One Special Scratch-n-Sniff Blind Vice Matthew McConaughey? Sonia Lexington, S.C.
Dear Lexy Lady:Believe it or not, our bongo-'n'-babe-playin’ pal is all sorts more gentlemanly than SDC. Think less hunky, and sillier, in bathing wear."

(John Mayer recently photographed in the green mankini)

NY Daily News-Gatecrasher 4/29/08

Which methed-up TV personality tells British pals: "I always know I'm home when I see the Albert Bridge [in London], because I'm just minutes from my drug dealer's place!"

Sunday, April 27, 2008

From NY Daily News 4/24/08:

Don't Shoot the Messenger
Which gorgeous Latina actress is said to have a Sapphic relationship with her hair stylist?

From NY Daily News 4/25/08:

Don't Shoot the Messenger: Which 'sensitive' heartthrob rocker does his best work with a snoot full of booger sugar? Girls who flock to his side at NYC clubs notice he can't go but five minutes between bathroom breaks

NY Post 4/27

Page Six, Just Asking

April 27, 2008 --
WHICH former ambassador (and big Democratic fund-raiser) tried to deliver a beautiful orchid to a Danish envoy at a fancy co-op on Park Avenue, only to be told by the doorman to use the service entrance? "It's the only building with a separate entrance for servants and diplomats," laughed a neighbor . . .
WHICH hippie-chic New York socialite's family is falling apart? Her mother found out the man of the house has a fondness for bimbos, and he refuses to desist from his dalliances . . .
WHICH local beauty queen went on a recent weekend-long drug binge? The young pageant winner was so wasted at a friend's apartment, she could hardly speak.

Friday, April 25, 2008

One Smelly, Sapphic Blind Vice

Ted's latest Blind Vice:


Something to Slink About
Which reality-TV star's a hot, horny mess at home? Find out in this week's Blind Vice!

Lick it up
Gross, sorry, but we've finally managed to get lesbians, poop and hot sex all into one Blind Vice. Aren't you impressed? Check out Fanny Fecal-Farmer's dubious domestic activities (but some of 'em sure are delish!) in today's animal-active Vice. Ready to bark, babes?

One Smelly, Sapphic Blind Vice

Isn’t shopping for real estate in Hell-Ay just so fun? It really is the new Sunday to-do in the City of Fallen Mortgages. Now that houses for sale are more abundant in T-town than overpriced Fred Segal tees, everybody’s looking to make a killing, celebs and noncelebs alike. ‘Course, Fanny Fecal-Farmer is so successful already with her reality boob-tube career, she’s gone ahead and bought herself another swank Hollywood compound before unloading her present one. But uh-oh! Fanny first purchased back when the market was considerably more flush, and she was just beginning her rise to the top of the cheeky heap. She overpaid considerably.

Now she’s stuck with a million-dollar-plus job that’s probably going to take at least half that price tag to fix up. See, FFF’s a busy, horny girl. When she’s not off parading as a new, terribly authoritative star of her show, she’s back home making love to her girlfriend and letting her hillside house essentially rot to pot—not to mention allowing her adorable pooches to prance, poop and prowl all over the property, wreaking canine havoc. And since Ms. Fecal-Farmer so adores her g-friend (and the sweaty, time-consuming, mucho-athletic things they do in bed), she simply has no time to clean the damn place up. Another prob being Ms. F.F. abhors reprimanding her doggies for crapping and urinating everywhere just as much as she does training them not to. Therefore, Fanny had the most brills idea!

Since the rather attractive gal knew fixing up her pad would take more care and money than she preferred to provide, she authorized her Realtors to splash “Secluded Celebrity Retreat!” all over the advertising campaign, effectively luring additional looky-loos. And just when potential buyers are about to flee, due to the urine and dog excrement collections everywhere, Fanny just happens to come home, unexpectedly, and—voilà!—the “celebrity” is revealed, thereby assuring some sort of purchasing incentive.

Hasn’t worked, so far. House ain’t movin’, and it’s stinkier than ever.

(Though, must admit, fooled lookers have enjoyed the sex-toy display in the bedroom, very impressive, Fan-hon!)

And it ain't: Rachael Ray, Heidi Montag, Kim Kardashian

* Suspected to be: Jackie Warner from Bravo's Work Out. Or possibly Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Lainey - A Bitch to Work For

New from Lainey today...

Successful multi-hyphenate, super well connected personally and professionally with a reputation for being kind and compassionate and evolved.


Maybe for the media and maybe her fashionable celebrity friends, maybe for investors, maybe for executives, but some of her employees would vehemently disagree.

Turns out she’s a little bit of a Miranda Priestly when she comes in to the office. Starts snapping her fingers right away, never remembers anyone’s name, everyone is treated like a personal assistant, dispatched to do her bidding instead of actually getting down to work, recently held up a creative meeting because she wanted whole milk and not cream with her coffen, then 20 minutes into the meeting, she held it up again when her cell phone rang, proceeded to keep everyone waiting another 15 minutes while she discussed measurements on a dress she was having made, did not apologise when she clicked off the line, and instead embarrassed a staffer who returned to the room after having excused himself to take an urgent phone call when she was taking hers.

But all that is rather pedestrian. There are no shortage of bitches in Hollywood. In the grand scheme of things, all that is pretty harmless.

Until you get into job security.

A pregnant member of her staff was scheduled to give birth around crunch time. Her boss’s convenient remedy for the situation was to not hire her back when everyone else returned to work. At the very least she was honest. She told her straight up – your due date doesn’t work for me. I don’t think you’ll be able to contribute in the same way you did before.

So the employee hired a lawyer, a lawsuit loomed, and the boss bitch had to backpedal to the tune of a handsome pay-off (confidential, of course) and several seminars on employee rights although it apparently hasn’t helped.

She’s still super stingy, to the point where she complains about the quality of craft services (it’s too good) and even supplies, haggles over offering vacation pay, and will not foot the bill for staff celebrations and events, even though she regularly hosts lavish affairs at her own mansion for those privileged enough to be invited.

Crazier still, she seems to be clueless when it comes to tact. The other day she said to one of her producers – if you need something to do this weekend, my assistant could use some help planning our reception. You could stay for dinner if you want.

When he declined, she looked at him like he was closing the door to the opportunity of a lifetime.

Before you ask, it’s not the Mighty Opes.
Update 4/29/08 - Lainey has said it is not: Oprah Winfrey, Tyra Banks, Martha Stewart, Vera Wang, Sarah Jessica Parker, Courteney Cox Arquette, Kimora Lee Simmons, Victoria Beckham, Rachael Ray, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Beyonce Knowles, Heidi Klum, Gwen Stefani.

*Top Suspect: Salma Hayek

***Update 1/15/09 - Lainey has hinted that this is Salma Hayek as we have suspected.

Friday, April 18, 2008

One Return-to-Debauched Blind Vice


Bad Boys N' Girls Club
Oh, underage heavens, what will Hollywood's viler stars think of next? Find out in this week's frightening Blind Vice!
Do Tell Momma
OK, we all know there are certain bachelors in Hollywood, the ones who will never settle down with anything but booze 'n' their little black books. But Dangling Wrangler is taking it one illegal step further: with a chick who's hardly legal enough to fight back. What a nasty freak.

One Return-to-Debauched Blind Vice

Dangling Wrangler’s at it again. You know Dangle-babe: He’s the base-boy the whole world seems to love no matter how many episodes he efs up, (via himself, the law or the ladies). Indeed, the Dangle dude’s been in trouble myriad times with too many drugs, too many women who were married to other men or by just being a plain ol’ mean, drunk bastard.

Therefore, the publicist’s quick fix was required (rehab and several staged photo shoots with Dangling looking brow-furrowed and fine with fans and such). Worked for a bit. But, then—as usually happens when one cleans up for a press release instead of for a personal mission—Dangling’s not only back to the booze and slut races, he’s hitting the hard drugs more than ever. Looks like crap, too. But the gals don’t seem to mind—they actually like screwing a famous guy who’s good (for about five minutes these days) with his huge, never-washed zucchini.

Alas, even the quickie quickies don’t do it for D.W. any more. Could that be why he’s getting so bored with dumpee broad after dumpee babe that he’s now secretly courting his latest unluckiest girlfriend’s (very underage) daughter?

Why the hell don't people like this ever get caught? No, in Hollywood, they get Oscars, don’t they?

And it ain't: Robert Downey Jr., Christian Slater, Jack Nicholson

I have a guess. Comment!

* Update - Ted has also eliminated David Spade, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Scott Baio,

Monday, April 14, 2008

Lainey 4/14/08

Short and Blind
Which lead singer of a band that’s all about giving back and clean living and saving the world abandoned his wife and children for a woman he met online last summer? Which tv starlet was so hard up for “happy” the other day, she couldn’t stop twitching, resulting in too many wasted takes?

1) Update 4/21 - NOT Bono, Chris Martin, Sting, Billy Joe Armstrong, Chris Daughtry, Brad Arnold (3 Doors Down), Raine Maida.

2) Update 4/30 - NOT Hayden Panettierre, Blake Lively.

Friday, April 11, 2008

One Special Scratch N' Sniff Blind Vice

New Blind Vice from Ted today... Super Duper Cooper is back!

Stinks N' Finks!
It's a very smelly—some say sexy—Blind Vice in the boudoir this Friday!

Natural Selection?
Oh, dear. Unless you've got a very imaginative (and open-minded) bent for things in the bedroom, wouldn't even bother with today's Blind Vice tale about Super Duper Cooper, who's really pushing it with how he selects his mattress conquests. And check out his erect desktop, babes!

One Special Scratch N' Sniff Blind Vice

Break out your umbrellas and stay out of the splash zone, Super Duper Cooper strikes again. Our sexed-out insiders are spilling about some other naughty boudoir behavior SDC has been up to besides becoming an Olympian at preorgasmic water sports, ugh.
Supes seems to like his female fans almost as much as he likes his steamy Hollywood girlfriends, and he treats both varieties of vixens with about the same amount of respect. The well-liked lothario scoops up the gals and spits 'em back out just as quickly, especially the ones who accidentally get knocked up 'cause of his encounters. Guy’s a low-down dawg, though his puppy puss makes him seem so much more innocent. Mr. Duper Cooper even marks his territory like man’s best four-legged pal: He’s been known to have his adoring fans line up against a wall, drop trou and go to town sniffing their derrieres like they were at the Laurel Canyon pooch park. Sounds kinda hot, but kinda gross. Don’t think this was just hazing for entry into the fan club—Cooper’s famous ex-flame was also privy to this way-too-personal inspection.
A bit too absurd for your prude tastes in titillation? We’re more confused than disgusted, since SDC also likes to throw on some gay porn while bedding his beauties. In fact, our too-close-for-comfort sources swear Duper’s desktop screensaver is none other than the male member, in its full pixilated 'n' engorged glory. Is this dude bisexual, or trying to cover up all the oft-blogged-about gay rumors by romancing so many willing ladies? Either way, he needs to be put on a leash before we turn back around to liking this lush lad.

And it ain't: Pete Wentz, Chace Crawford, Tom Brady

In the past, there was a Super Duper Cooper BV, and it was rumored to be John Mayer. See below, it was about him and a gf (presumed to be Jessica Simpson), and SDC liked to pee and poop on her. (Gross!). So, I am guessing John Mayer for this. Also, the AIA's here all clearly hint towards Jessica Simpson (her sister's bf, her bf's ex's ex, and a NFL QB). I'd like to point out, about the second BV below... there was a second time he was mentioned, a short blurb and we posted it here, and I thought it was Rick Solomon. (Hinting that he demanded his ditzy ex to have an abortion). We didn't have much discussion about it though, and now in hindsight I think that John Mayer fits that one too.
Here are the other BV's about SDC:
Oct 2007:

Kay, we know last week everybody got so damn grossed out over Sha-Sha Shimmy’s accidental (due to too many laxatives) poop session at a Hell-Ay mall. Well, all we have to say is, after you read today’s latest Blind installment, you’ll be screaming to bring Shimmy and her brown-stained antics back, already!
But we’ll give ya one saving grace on this new one: It’ll be brief. It’s just too gross not to be, really.
Here goes: Now, we’re not prudes at Awful, not by any means. Can’t speak for Cristina, really, but certain elder members of the Truth team have pretty much done it all. Spanking, peeing, bondage, cellophane, groups, ho-hum, whatever. All kinda boring, in the end, as it were. Nothin’ like plain ol' nasty one-on-one, we (predictably, and romantically) say! But Super-Dooper Cooper hardly concurs, of that, we are sure.
See, not only does Super-Doop live to urinate on—and be peed on by—his sexual partners, always very pretty, not often terribly smart gals, but now, we’re hearing he likes it even dirtier than that. Yep, you guessed where we’re going here, surely.
Mr. C just thinks it’s so orgasmic-fantastic to get shat upon by whichever curvy pretty hon he’s seeing. So yuck-o! And when his sizable, legendary talent isn’t enough dangling bait to lure whatever wary baby he can find to his rank boudoir, SDC simply orders out. And hookers charge a lot for that kinda merde, trust.
This is just too sick even for us. So, we’re outta here! Good luck guessing! Remember to towel off afterward, please
And it Ain't: Kiefer Sutherland, Chris Rock, Nick Lachey

January 2008: Well, we were going to blab all about pee-happy
nasty-ass demand that his (ex) blondie ditz dame get an
abortion—most men are simply hideous, straight and gay, all there is to it—but
after last week’s pooch-offing Blind left us in a very bad mood, just had to
offer up something, uh, a tad more festive to ponder this week. Hope you don’t
mind. Promise, back to the desultory trash soon!
* Update 5/25/11 - collectively, here are all the people that Ted has excluded as Super Duper Cooper:  
Kiefer Sutherland, Chris Rock, Nick Lachey, Tommy Lee, Matthew McConaughey, Christian Bale, Derek Jeter, Ryan Gosling, R. Kelly, Pete Wentz, Chace Crawford, Tom Brady, Chris Evans, Orlando Bloom, Tony Romo, Derek Jeter, Matthew McConaughey, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Colin Farrell, Tom Cruise, Channing Tatum, Matthew Morrison, Jamie Foxx, Alexander Skarsgård, Charlie Sheen, Kevin Jonas, Bradley Cooper

* * * Top Suspect: John Mayer

Here is the SDC BV from Nov 2010.  See label for other SDC posts.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

NY Daily News Gatecrasher 4/10/08

Which show keeps its dim-witted if ultra-popular "reality" stars peppy with Adderall supplied by a producer in handfuls between scenes?
...Obviously The Hills

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Lainey 4/8/08

Which little Punk Ass…
Was smiley smiley when the cameras were rolling this weekend and sweet as pie in public, with a baby doll voice to match a cute baby doll dress but was an ungrateful little bitch behind the scenes at an awards show? She turned up at sound check and immediately asked “when can I leave?” Then during her rehearsal she completely screwed up the second half of her set, blaming her poor performance on the keyboards, and the piano, and every other instrument except her voice and the nonsense going on in her head.She also required the use of a teleprompter. For her own songs!!!During the telecast, when it became evident she would be going home empty handed, she refused to sit in the audience when her categories were presented, preferring instead to stay backstage even after her performance like a sulky baby. Or maybe she was brushing up on geography. She appears to need a few lessons these days.

I think this one's Avril Lavigne at the Juno Music awards this past weekend(?). She performed and didn't win any of her nominated categories...

* Suspected: Avril Lavigne

Friday, April 4, 2008

Lainey - Why She's So Cranky

Welcome to the world, our new nephew!

To celebrate, here's a new blind item from LaineyGossip April 4th:

She isn’t eating. She hasn’t been eating for weeks, hellbent on losing what she calls some extra padding but what everyone else calls … nothing. There is nothing to lose. But still she needs to lose it.

Started dieting furiously a couple of months ago but wasn’t seeing results quickly enough so she’s cut back the food and as a result has turned into a total hag, chewing people out during production meetings, yelling at catering staff for daring to bring food near her, and getting into a little shoving match with her own publicist, who has the unfortunate position of having to attend to her as she ramps up promotion, over scheduling.

On the plus side, she is indeed growing ever slimmer. But the thinness is now accompanied by a telltale glassy look in her eyes which isn’t entirely unfamiliar. Being skinny can make you dependent and cranky and weak…

Which is why she hasn’t been able to finish a day’s work all week, always begging off early, complaining of the flu, or a migraine...and now the project is behind schedule, her agent has been called, and a talking-to is in the works. Career not in jeopardy… yet. But probably soon if she doesn’t start eating.

Update April 28 - It's NOT Kate Bosworth, Renee Zellweger, Kate Beckinsale, Katherine Heigl, Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Scarlett Johansson, Reese Witherspoon (but close), Christina Ricci, Kristen Bell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Sarah Jessica Parker, Hilary Swank, Kelly Ripa, Victoria Beckham.

One Bisexual Bejeweled Blind Vice

Top Gun (Widescreen Special Collector's Edition)NEW BV from the Awful Truth


The Hex files
The closeted megastar Fey Oiled-Tush just can’t get no gay icon satisfaction in Friday’s Blind Vice, hooray for homo-helping Hollywood!

Cheap Tricks
For once, we've got a gay-friendly powerful figure in Hollywood who does not suffer closeted movie-star fools lightly—or inexpensively. It's not too often that Fey Oiled-Tush doesn’t get his spoiled, luxe-lovin’ way, but he sure as hell didn’t this time in Bel Air, in One Bisexual Bejeweled Blind Vice!

One Bisexual Bejeweled Blind Vice

Fey Oiled-Tush is a very rich man. He’s also a very desperate man, as so many celebrated Hollywood players ultimately are. After all, doesn’t success just beget the desire for more success—rather than satisfaction? Always. Just ask Michael Eisner, Mike Ovitz, Meg Ryan and assorted other colossal check cashers who once thought the green would never stop coming, only to see the influx dwindle considerably. But this Vice ain’t about power, it’s about fag-hag ass kissing, sorry.
Margarita Screwed-'Em-All is a reigning queen of Tinseltown. And even though she doesn’t go out much, she sure as hell did at one time—always with one of her myriad lovers/husbands/pets. (Paris was so not the first to make a pooch a photo-op accoutrement, Margarita beat her on that score ages ago.) Instead, M-babe stays home at her art-filled mansion (which is a little on the tacky side, I must say, unless you prefer brass deer next to your masterpieces and that sort of overpriced mishmash style). However, she loves to receive. Particularly the gays.
Elizabeth: The Life of Elizabeth TaylorTrue, she’s doing it less nowadays, but still, a flaming fagola—along with fewer and fewer members of Screwed-Em’-All’s own fam—still makes it up past M.S.’s fancy gates. And Fey, utterly distraught by the current downturn of his previously magical movie touch and sorely needing a pick-me-up, was dying to be one of them recently. Don’t think FOT mentioned anything about bringing the wife-unit when he—and not one of his minions—rang up Margarita’s secretary to request an audience. “Get him to buy me those jewels I liked,” Ms. S barked, via her assistant, back to Fey, message being no rocks, no tush pecking.
So Mr. Oiled-Tush, armed with the location of the baubles that tickled Margarita so, actually went and picked out a piece from the overpriced jeweler. Had it delivered pronto to Margarita, who, after tearing open the box which contained a sweet little piece, screamed: “One! He only got me one?”
Indeed, Fey had made the lethal error of purchasing not an assortment of expensive sparklers for Margarita to choose from—but only one already-selected lonely little lovely. Not good. Result being, there was no audience.
And the gift was not returned, bitch you very much. Poor Fey. What will he do for his mood-altering now, I wonder? Start up with the boys again?

And it ain't: Will Smith, Chris Rock, Brendan Fraser

* Update: Here is the link to the more recent Fey Oiled-Tush BV from January 2010.

For Fey Oiled-Tush:
As of 5/14/11, Ted has eliminated Will Smith, Chris Rock, Brendan Fraser, Kevin Costner, Albert Brooks, Harrison Ford, Mike Myers, Tobey Maguire, Kevin Bacon, Kevin Jonas, Marc Anthony, Matt Damon, John Travolta, Jeremy Piven.
*Top suspect:  now Tom Cruise after Ted's hint on 4/7/10 (See comments).

For Margarita Screwed-'Em-All:
Top suspect: Elizabeth Taylor.
Update - on 3/24/11, Ted has revealed Elizabeth Taylor as Margarita Screwed-Em-All in this post.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

NY Daily News:Gatecrasher - 4.2.08

Which lead actor in a hit ensemble TV show brags that a female conquest isn't complete unless at least one of his hotel room neighbors calls security about the noise?

Ew. See comments.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Lainey - Sick Week

From Lainey yesterday 3/31/08 -

Which emerging starlet working on a high profile project supposedly did something to her face, particularly her lips, that didn’t go over so well with her directors and producers? This, combined with her sh*tty attitude, has led to a temporary dismissal. She’s been told to get off the set for a week and straighten herself out…and to hopefully come back with her features restored. If it’s possible, that is.

Worse still – a few of her scenes have now been rewritten for her female co-star. So she’s losing respect AND air time. It’s the air time that hurts the most.

Update 4/3 - It's NOT Jessica Simpson, The Gossip Girls, Brittany Murphy, Ellen Page, Hayden Panettiere

Brief Toothy Tile mention today...

Today when answering letters from his mail bag, Ted answered a letter about Toothy Tile. I am posting this because we are all wondering the same thing about dear Tooth (Jake Gyllenhaal).

Dear Ted:
Does Toothy Tile's girlfriend know that he's Toothy Tile? I'm thinking Toothy might be working his way toward her ex.
Concord, N.C.

Dear Tooth-Fake:
Yes, and quite possible. But only if he already had him. T2’s in lurve, doncha know.

When saying T2 is in love, I am assuming he means with his beau Austin Nichols. He is not after Ryan Phillippe because he is already attached to his boyfriend. Most people buy the stories that Jake and Reese are in love, but I still think it is a publicity stunt. I know some people think that TT/Jake might be bisexual and that he really IS into Reese. But what about b-f Austin? Does Reese KNOW that he is Toothy Tile, and she is just his close friend? Or is she completely in the dark about the rumors and is actually having a relationship with him? Is TT lying to her and pretending to be straight? I don't know what is going on there. Discuss!