Sunday, December 5, 2010

Vintage BV: Dingle Tingle

Here is another vintage Blind Vice dug up from a few years back...

One Tuchis-Time Blind Vice - March 31, 2006

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE 24x36 COLOR POSTER PRINTTake a good, long soak in the tub. Then gear up them gams. Lick those lips, and prepare for the kind of fun traditionally reserved for WeHo types like myself. Oh, darlings, it's just so exciting when you straight honeys take a tip from the fagolas--especially when said cue is...carnal. Now, Wilmer Valderrama may have a self-proclaimed big unit (or not, I'm going to ask Mandy Moore the next time I bump into her). But never mind size. After all, today's broad-shouldered bohunk, Dingle Tingle, isn't exactly hugely endowed. "Average" is the word gals use to describe him to me. Babes who have slept with Dingle, mind you, not seen him baking nude by the pool or somethin'. But good news. None of his mattress mates care a whit. In fact, according to one gorgeous sweetie in par-tick (a gal who's still reeling after her romp in the sack with D.T.), nobody does it better than the Dingle dude. His secret, you ask? Let's just say that while most of Ding's dumbo hetero partners in bedroom piracy are concentrating on a woman's more traditional erogenous zones, Ding thinks more outside the box: Yes, that's right. Mostly, myopic men gun, cumbersomely, for the front door. Not our Ding, he rings in slowly, oh so seductively--and with the cunning of a ferret out only to please--for the rear. And Mr. T. is very, very good at his unique amor-angling. So excelente, as a matter of fact, that the babes who share their lovemaking sessions with him are so dazzled, they tell their gal-pals, who tell their gal-pals, who... And you know what? Dingle T. has time for all of 'em, it seems. Jeez. Ya think Missus Dingle Tingle knows what's up, or down, as it were? Or is she too gaga gone between the sheets herself to notice? Sure hope it's the latter.
And it ain't: Patrick Dempsey, Will Smith, Ashton Kutcher

Also eliminated: George Clooney, Jeremy Piven, Kevin Federline, Orlando Bloom

Top suspect was: Johnny Knoxville


blurry vice said...


"Dear Ted:
Could Dingle Tingle from One Tuchis-Time Blind Vice be George Clooney?
Jacqueline B.

Dear Det. Derriere:
Uh, no. George is far more interested in his career right now, rather than ladies' behinds (Teri is still pissed!). That area of concentration will come later for Georgie, I'm sure."

"Dear Ted,
Me thinks Dingle Tingle is the He-Ho himself, Jeremy Piven.

Dear Me-Thinker:
Close, but no cancer-causing cigar. You're right on the funny-money, but think taller. And a smidgeon less famous."

"Dear Ted:
One Tuchis-Time Blind Vice...could this possibly be Kevin Federline?

Dear K-Bed:
As far as I know, Britney's married baby ain't dancing around H-town hot spots, trolling for chicas he can then take home and ravage in the rear end. Although, gotta say, the would explain tying the hair back with the dreads, wouldn't it? Nah, think far more sex-ay."

"Dear Ted:
I've never given a guess to your Blind Vices, but here goes. I took a look at all the names in your column and figured out that Dingle Tingle has got to be Orlando Bloom.
Norma Arrey
Victorville, California

Dear Bum-Sniffer:
Tell me, darlin', what science did you use, exactly, to determine Orlando was interested more in women's backsides than their lovely fronts? It ain't O.B. Think diff acting park, big-time. "

Anonymous said...

Three days before this blind, Knoxville was in an article calling his penis super small, like a light switch.

And he was married during this time, but they separated July 2006 (3-4 months after this) and later got divorced, with several "sources" saying it was because he was sleeping with multiple other women. Perhaps whoever blabbed to Ted blabbed to his wife too?

dallasJAC said...

I immediately thought of David Spade. He always is with girls seemingly far out of his league so there must be something there.
What throws me off on this is the Missus DT. I don't believe Spade is/was hitched. Still sticking with him though.

Jools said...

This could be Johnny - after I read the article, wouldn't be a surprise. (First time poster here.)