One Tuchis-Time Blind Vice - March 31, 2006
Take a good, long soak in the tub. Then gear up them gams. Lick those lips, and prepare for the kind of fun traditionally reserved for WeHo types like myself. Oh, darlings, it's just so exciting when you straight honeys take a tip from the fagolas--especially when said cue is...carnal. Now, Wilmer Valderrama may have a self-proclaimed big unit (or not, I'm going to ask Mandy Moore the next time I bump into her). But never mind size. After all, today's broad-shouldered bohunk, Dingle Tingle, isn't exactly hugely endowed. "Average" is the word gals use to describe him to me. Babes who have slept with Dingle, mind you, not seen him baking nude by the pool or somethin'. But good news. None of his mattress mates care a whit. In fact, according to one gorgeous sweetie in par-tick (a gal who's still reeling after her romp in the sack with D.T.), nobody does it better than the Dingle dude. His secret, you ask? Let's just say that while most of Ding's dumbo hetero partners in bedroom piracy are concentrating on a woman's more traditional erogenous zones, Ding thinks more outside the box: Yes, that's right. Mostly, myopic men gun, cumbersomely, for the front door. Not our Ding, he rings in slowly, oh so seductively--and with the cunning of a ferret out only to please--for the rear. And Mr. T. is very, very good at his unique amor-angling. So excelente, as a matter of fact, that the babes who share their lovemaking sessions with him are so dazzled, they tell their gal-pals, who tell their gal-pals, who... And you know what? Dingle T. has time for all of 'em, it seems. Jeez. Ya think Missus Dingle Tingle knows what's up, or down, as it were? Or is she too gaga gone between the sheets herself to notice? Sure hope it's the latter.
And it ain't: Patrick Dempsey, Will Smith, Ashton Kutcher
Also eliminated: George Clooney, Jeremy Piven, Kevin Federline, Orlando Bloom
Top suspect was: Johnny Knoxville