Thursday, June 12, 2008

One Stalled-in-Every Way Blind Vice 6/12/08

New from Ted...

Smells Dishy
Wipe your noses fast, honeys, 'cause Blind Vice Friday has Fart-Coif Cretin doing blow in public and ruining what's barely left of his career—just another day in debauched T-town, I'm tellin' ya!

Ruinous Retard
Oh dear, as if Fart-Coif Cretin hasn't already alienated enough factions in this town (not to mention the world), the pitiful pooftah seems now hell-bent on snorting, sealing and delivering himself right into oblivion, so sad. But, not really. He's hilariously hideous!

One Stalled-in-Every Way Blind Vice
He’s in the bathroom doing coke, and he will not come out!” screamed exhausted old colleagues of Fart-Coif Cretin, who used to be a mucho famous member of a celebrated Hell-Ay comedy house. And just to torture his former fellow actors, Fart-Coif recently decided to revisit the theater where he hasn't exactly been encouraged to perform onstage. Didn’t stop him from pulling a real Morgan Mayhem in the men's room, now did it! 
Similar to our darling Morg, who’s known for not only doing the blow but the ladies, too, when she visits the loo, Fart-Coif leans toward same-sex nookie. But these days, F.C. is so damn effed up, getting it up is about the last thing he’d be interested in accomplishing. So there he is, finally deciding to come out of the john, high as a Kurt Cobain kite. Decides to sit down for the show. Doesn’t listen much. In fact, F.C. ends up disrupting the performances so imppressively he’s kicked out and, now, wholly unwelcome to revisit the comedy theater.
The fact that F.C. raided the fridge, insulted his former TV costars, smoked pot, stole drinks and insulted everyone he came in contact with while there prolly didn’t help, either.
Does Dr. Drew do comics who were never funny in the first place? Have to find out about that one.

And it ain't: David Spade, Chris Rock, Bill Murray

Have an idea for this one. see comments-

*** 7/22 - Ted has revealed what we suspected: Fart Coif Cretin is Andy Dick ***


duffgrl said...

Andy Dick. He's always out of control but seeing a lot about him being out of control like this a lot recently.
Love the lesbian hint on Morgan if we needed it.So obviously the lohan.

blurry vice said...

I was thinking Mike Myers, the unfunny douche. I like Andy Dick too.

bc said...

I immediately thought of Michael Richards, remember that episode of Seinfield where he is driving a horse drawn carriage and feeds the horse beans? And I doubt if he has "been encouraged to perform on stage" after his racist rant a few years ago.
I also thought of Andy Dick, though.

Momfixit said...

The AIAs are all from SNL, so I thought of Tracy Morgan. But maybe Ted's saying the BI is NOT from SNL. Also, I don't see him as bi- either. Andy Dick is my choice.

mysterygrrl said...

I also thought of Tracy Morgan-even before the mention of MORGAn Mayhem. Thought I read something recently about him being a pest at a show.
Andy Dick fits, but just seems too predictable to be a blind. We've all heard the stories and seen the pics of that dude's stoned gay escapades.

duffgrl said...

It's Andy Dick. Tracy Morgan wasn't a member of a Hollywood comedy troup and isn't gay. Ted IS predictable sometimes...remember Death-Mynt Myrtle?? We all thought Teri Hatcher was too obvious then he admitted it was her.

Anonymous said...

Jon Lovitz. Morgan reference to his old routine where he called Morgan Fairchild his wife.

sistah2 said...

Andy Dick too obvious. I think its MIke Myers. New movie coming out, Ted wants to put him in his place.

blurry vice said...

But as duffgrl said, Ted IS sometimes obvious (Teri Hatcher as Death Mint Myrtle). I am leaning towards Andy Dick.

duffgrl said...

Mike Myers officially ruled out -also Chevy Chase and Matt LeBlanc.
...I think it's Andy.-
Lohan is probably Morgan Mayhem; and both she and Andy Dick have/had coke problems and are famously bisexual.

blurry vice said...

Not Robin Williams - "This dude def will never score an Oscar like R.W. did. Trust."

Not Mike Myers - "No, our guy’s even less loved, believe it or not."

blurry vice said...

Also, as said above, not Chevy Chase
(no clues).

And "way, way less attractive" than Matt LeBlanc.

I think this one is solved now - ANDY DICK!

blurry vice said...

Mike Myers excluded - "Think far less commercial."

Not Jim Carrey - "our guy's nowhere near the $20-mil-a-movie range."

blurry vice said...

Now that Andy Dick has been arrested, Ted posted his mugshot and a little write-up about it. Pretty much confirms this BV.