Friday, March 16, 2012

Vintage BV: Thelma Turnip

Since a reader from Ted's mailbag brought up this vintage BV, we realized that we didn't have it here!  So here it is... Thelma Turnip from 2007!

One Stalled Comeback Blind Vice - April 20, 2007

Thelma Turnip is looking rather like, well, a turnip these days.

Hardly the secret, really, as T2's puss-ravaging lifestyle has left her cover-ready looks a little worse for the wear these past few years. Not even my Aunt Martha in Texas is surprised to see T.T. looking like a slightly younger version of Barbara Bush at myriad H-town events.

But Thelma-doll's looks ain't exactly the point of this item—it's her career, which everyone from the fruit sprayer at Gelson's to CAA honchos is debating whether or not is salvageable. My guess? No way.

Why? Because the top spinmeisters in town (ya know, the crowd that's known for darling little campaigns such as convincing the American public that Eddie Murphy is a "Good Samaritan" because he gave a peeyem ride to a transvestite) are turning down T.T. right 'n' leery left. Jeez, that says somethin', I'm tellin' ya.

"She's not ready," one of T-town's premier Machiavellian types told me after she had been asked to raise Ms. Turnip's chances for a professional resurgence. When pressed, the wizard at reinventing fallen entertainment idols told me Ms. Turnip is still—you guessed it—not exactly cleaned up, as everyone currently thinks.

Hey, I used to be addicted to that crap, I know how tough it is—good luck, Thelma! We're prayin' for ya, you gonzo g-friend!

And It Ain't: Courtney Love, Heather Locklear, Sarah Ferguson

Eliminated:  Courtney Love, Heather Locklear, Sarah Ferguson, Whitney Houston, Sharon Stone, Kate Moss, Britney Spears, Farrah Fawcett, Diana Ross, Juliette Lewis, Stevie Nicks

Top suspect:


blurry vice said...

This week's MAil -

"Dear Ted:
I call shenanigans! You said recently that Whitney Houston did not have a Blind Vice moniker from years ago, but I was so sure that she was Thelma Turnip.

Was I wrong? And, if I was, what's Thelma up to these days? Did she ever get her stalled comeback going?

Dear Hot for Houston:
Yes, you were wrong, Mike. As for Turnip? Her secrets seem to be less at risk for being revealed these days than Whitney's."

vintage mailbag

Dear Ted:
Oh, and could Thelma Turnip (T.T.) possibly be Sharon Stone?
St. Charles, Illinois

Dear Det. Debbie:
Oh, and on the Thelma Turnip front, very impressive guess and use of possible clues. But hate to tell you, the double initials thing is what Nancy Drew would call a red herring. In other words, Thelma’s first and last name doesn’t start with the same letter in real life. Close age arena, though.

Dear Ted:
I'm so stuck on all your Blind Vices lately. Please tell me: Is Kate Moss Thelma Turnip?
Toledo, Ohio

Dear Stumped:
Excellent guess, my perplexed puzzler, as Kate-doll did do rehab and looks like she needs to slather on some serious sunblock lately. But Kate makes her living a far different way than Thelma does. Think about her booby-boy-toy Pete Doherty’s profession, and you might see the light.

Dear Ted:
Could Thelma Turnip possibly be Britney Spears?
Lafayette, Louisiana

Dear Southern-Fried Sass:
Good hunch, but no. Thelma loves her some wigs too, though, just like Britters, if that helps.

Dear Ted:
Thelma Turnip = Farrah Fawcett.

Dear No Way:
Your guess = wrong biz.

Dear Ted:
Thelma Turnip from One Stalled Comeback Blind Vice is Diana Ross. Please?
Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Beggin' for the Blind:
Good guess, g-friend, but wrong nonetheless. A bit younger. Not as good coiffure style, though.

Dear Ted:
Is Thelma Turnip Juliette Lewis? Or am I way off the mark? I had a brief meet with her at a gig recently, and she pretty much embodied everything you've mentioned.

Dear Bullocks:
Juliette may be an odd duck (how in the world did she land Brad Pitt back in the day?), but she’s not our gal. Nice try, though, crumpet-cake.

Dear Ted:
Could Thelma Turnip be Stevie Nicks? Keep up the good work Ted (and Cristina)!
Fairfax, Virginia

Dear Fleetwood Whack:
Maybe like 30 years ago! Stevie’s been sober longer than me, for gawd’s sake...but thanks for the kudos nonetheless.

blurry vice said...

So.. the top suspect in 2007 was Whitney Houston. Now Ted says this wasn't her. (She is now top suspect for Sissi Sparkle. See that post for more details.)

So who is Thelma Turnip?

Gaylen said...

This one has intrigued me, mostly because there are searchable clues.

Music industry. Wears wigs. She is near to Sharon Stone in age (born 1958), and younger than Diana Ross (born 1944). Just that has ruled out several people I've thought of. But that also leaves me still googling.

Rita said...

What was Mariah Carey doing back then in 2007? Wasn't she on her "burn out", and people were saying that she was done? Wasn't she in March of 2007 just getting out of coucou land? I have to look if her breakdown was end of 2006.

lns212 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

I was thinking Dolly Parton, although she's closer to Diana Ross's age than Sharon Stone but still younger (2years). Just came to mind with the whole wig comment.

KaDixonLaw said...


The wig thing has me thinking of two ladies: Cher and Tina Turner. Although, I have to say that it would be very disappointing to think of either lady having these troubles. That was just a knee-jerk reaction to the wig clue.

Unknown said...

lindsey lohan is my guess.. isn't that when she got in trouble the first time and "cleaned up" for a second..

lns212 said...

my guess is Paula Abdul
-born in 1962,so around the same age
-her wikipedia page has all sorts of entries about 2007 when people thought she was medicated and nuts
-if you search her & wigs there's plenty of people speculating that she wore some during idol

@malinic lindsay is believed to be morgan mayhem

@kadixonlaw i don't think it could be tina either since she's older than diana

Shit You Can't Buy said...

I say Mariah Carey.. Wasn't it around 2007 she had a breakdown, did a weird interview on TRL and talked about slashing her wrists?

Gaylen said...

Lindsay and Mariah are both too young. And Tina Turner is actually older than Diana Ross.

Cher and Dolly are both around the right age and are known for wearing wigs. I've been trying to think if either of them ever had any addiction rumors, I can't think of any.

Paula makes a lot of sense, but she was sorta already in her "comeback" in 2007. She was still on AI, which was the most relevant she'd been in years. If this was a recent blind, I'd totally buy that it's her, after leaving AI and getting canned from X Factor. And Bravo did give her a show in 2007. That doesn't sound like a toxic property no one will touch.

lns212 said...

maybe at the time they were worrying about salvaging Paula's career from the allegations from Corey Clark, people calling her behavior on her show erratic, and how out of it she always appeared on idol. when all that was going on she always wanted to blame it on her rsd (i think that was the disease) meds, but tried to say everything else was fine

Dr.DuckyDuck said...

I just don't get the connection to Courtney Love, Heather Locklear, and Sarah Ferguson. Ted was clear that Thelma Turnip is a singer, but only one of the AIAs is a singer.

Interestingly, all of the AIAs have only daughters and are in the late 40s-early 50s age range (which would have made them early 40s-late 40s age range in 2007). I know the AIAs don't have to have stuff in common with each other, but these ladies are so random!

Anonymous said...

sounds like Lauryn Hill. even though she's been doing sporadic concerts since '07, her follow-up to 'Miseducation' is long overdue.

Violet451 said...

Dr. D, one thing the AIAs seem to have in common is that they've all had known drug problems. That seems to be the trouble with my first guess (I thought wigs, I immediately went to Dolly). I am not aware of any past issues with Dolly though and it seems from what Ted is saying that the public was aware of this person's downward spiral.

Wasn't it around this time that Paula was performing a new song on Idol? I remember that being a big thing that seemed to go nowhere.

kmhutchi1 said...

this site SUCKS for new users. Kim K or Mariah or Lindsay.

kmhutchi1 said...

Sorry I am a first time poster and I have to say I love this site and am glad to have an account and know that I am not the only one who is somewhat addicted to this stuff. that being said, I orignally said Mariah and Lindsay but I think its Kim K. The references to "transvestie...Khloe has been teased about that.. and also the fact that it says "peeyum" if you guys are aware, Kim enjoyed the number one if you know what I mean.It says "worse for the wear" and IMO it means that kim is not near as pretty as she was before she underwent multiple plastic surgeries. "She's not ready" refers to her not being ready to enter a new relationship, given the fact that she destroyed her last one (if you can even call it that). I could go on about this vice, but my hands are tired and I arrest my case.

kmhutchi1 said...

Dont judge me for bad spelling:)

medusa said...

@kmhutchi1: Kim isn't quite old enough, nor really known as a singer, and this blind was written in 2007 - I'm not even sure when she and her family starting appearing on TV, but I don't think anyone would have thought her career was washed up back then, if it had even started.

But there is one biggie that eliminates her - Ted said that Thelma Turnip's real first and last names don't start with the same letter. So, no Kardashians! (Or Lindsay for that matter.)

lns212 said...

Ted answered my question in his afternoon mail today.

Dear Ted:
I've been intrigued by Thelma Turnip since someone brought her up again. I'm wondering, has she ever dabbled in reality-TV competitions?

PlayClooney's Press Conference After Jail Release
Dear Hell, Yes:
But that's not really narrowing it down much, babe, now is it?

The only women around this age that I can think have had involvement in the reality TV competitions are Paula and Sharon Osborne, but to me
Sharon has always appeared to be moderately stable in 2007 compared to the rumors about Paula

lns212 said...

something else I've just noticed is that the blind mentions CAA. Creative Arts Agency clients include Simon Cowell, Ryan Seacrest, and the creators and executive producers of American Idol

Dr.DuckyDuck said...

I think Paula Abdul is a good guess.

But what is this blind really about? Am I missing something? A formerly popular singer tries a comeback and fails, while looking old and being addicted to what I'm guessing is prescription pain meds? (BTW has Ted ever previously mentioned being addicted to anything other than cigarettes? That might be a huge clue). Seems like it could be anyone and if it is Paula Abdul then it's kind of a blah blind. I mean, not really blind at all.

Michelle said...

don't think its Paula - they did take a chance on her putting her on AI, the blid clearly states no one would represent this person.

Michelle said...

don't think its Paula - they did take a chance on her putting her on AI, the blid clearly states no one would represent this person.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I've been intrigued by Thelma Turnip since someone brought her up again. I'm wondering, has she ever dabbled in reality-TV competitions?

Dear Hell, Yes:
But that's not really narrowing it down much, babe, now is it?"

Rita said...

When Ted answers with "Dear Hell yes", this clearly means that Thelma has been on at least, one competition show.

Whether a judge or a participant, remains to be confirmed/guessed.

Good going TC!

Natalia said...

What about Bette Midler?
She is a singer, 50's in 2007, wears wigs, looks like Barbara Bush, and washed up. She has appeared in a few reality shows.. She also seems to have dropped off the face of the earth.

keelyrae said...

Amanda Bynes? She's a wreck

Unknown said...

I know this sounds crazy but is this person alive? It keeps reminding me of Anna Nicole. The Texas auntie thing and the Thelma reminds of me of her.

KaDixonLaw said...

@gemma: I think that's a great guess!!

idunno said...

@gemma "cover-Ready looks" supports your guess!

Hens and Chicks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DontRainOnMyPrada said...

How about Brandy? Has she ever done a reality show?

SiG said...

Paula Abdul, did someone say that?