Monday, September 28, 2009

Bonus Blind! Funny Dude's a Dud in Bed!

A Bonus from Ted today -

Bonus Blind! Funny Dude's a Dud in Bed!

Nothing refreshes us on a moody Monday morning like a Bonus Blind Vice, and we're all in luck, babes! This one's full of sex 'n' love and secondhand embarrassment for Stinky Carrot-Crotch, a boob-tube dude used to rolling around in piles of money, but typically all by his lonesome.
Man's not exactly a lady-killer, though his bank account and undeniable talent certainly get women to give him second, third and fourth glances, shockingly. He's not exactly tragic-looking, either—so we're kinda stunned to hear SCC's got trouble with the female sort.
Well, not always—Stink got kissed by lady luck (and then some) one special evening, but maybe he should've been careful what he wished for...
Stinky, who just loves to hear the sound of his own voice, slunk into a karaoke joint for a night of dorky fun, but ended up with a whole lot more in his hand than a microphone. Like two babes looking for a good time and a famous guy to do it with. The punch-drunk gal-pals recognized the dude from his work on the small screen and were more than willing to hightail it back to his place for a night of supersloshed after-hours antics.
Was Carrot-Crotch into it? Totally! This was his first ménage à trois ever, and he was sick of being a prude by default. Unfortunately for him (and even sadder for the two girls) he didn't know what the hell he was doing the whole time, since he barely knows how to handle one broad in the bedroom, let alone two.
The next morning, C.C. woke up with a sparkle in his eyes for one of the honeys—'course, she had endured enough of the star's inexperience in bed the night before and ran out of there, prioritizing her libido over a life of riches and jewels and other high-class crap. Her other friend, however, totally had the hots for Carrot-Crotch, but his mind was too focused on what he couldn't have: the other girl who wanted nothing to do with him.
Take heed to the moral of Stinky Carrot-Crotch: This proves that money sure can't buy you everything—including how to please a woman. 'Course, he could always pick up one of these at his local sex shop; they do the trick just fine, we hear! Unlike Stinky. Poor rich, funny baby.
And It Ain't: Jon Hamm, Sam Trammell, Matt Stone

Update 1/21/10 - Ted has also eliminated Jason Segel, John Krasinski, Zach Braff, Seth Rogen, Jesse Eisenberg, Michael Cera, Steve Carell.

Top guess: Seth MacFarlane (?)

Friday, September 25, 2009

Blind Vice: A Truly Desperate Housewife

From Ted today:

Blind Vice: A Truly Desperate Housewife

No, this isn't the soapy made-up stuff on ABC. This is real-life desperation, babes, Hollywood-style!
There's an aging celeb couple in town who have been pretty damn lucky with their love life, for many years. Sure, they've had their ups and downs (both professionally and personally), but Perka Penis-Player and Schlamm Butt-Wiggle have still managed to stick it out for the tabloid-headlined long haul—miraculously so.
Everybody said they wouldn't make it. But so far, they have—at least for appearance's sake.
Maybe that's because Perka's a broad who's willing to do whatever it takes (in her rather sex-kitten-ish, stereotyped eyes) to hold onto her still-doable guy, despite the fact that his very nice ass has dropped as much as his box-office appeal these days. So what does "whatever it takes" require Perka to engage in? Plastic surgery, perhaps? Oh gawd, that was years ago.
No, now it's time for crafty Ms. Penis-Player to move on the next part of her bod that needs lifting. Can you guess what it is? Ass or eyes, you ask?
Wrong! Her hands! OMG, what will these Frankenstein Beverly Hills plastic surgeons think of next! Is a knee lift next? Don't tell me: It probably already exists.
Nevertheless, it's Perka who's now gone through the recent and incredibly weird process of having her hands lifted, as if that's the part of her anatomy that's gonna get Schlamm's schlong in gear. Maybe it will—I don't know what the hell makes people hot for each other, anymore.
But dare I say it's all a waste of time? You see, as of late, Schlamm's own digits are notorious for touching everything but that Penis-Player he's been shackin' up with for eons.
Why do couples go on like this? Just call it a day and go screw who you like, already!

And It Ain't: Lisa Rinna & Harry Hamlin, Rita Wilson & Tom Hanks, Calista Flockhart & Harrison Ford

Update 9/29/09 - Ted has also eliminated Kyra Sedgwick & Kevin Bacon


* Update 10/2/09 - Ted hints that this may be about Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn
* Other top suspects as of 12/27/09 - Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Janet Charlton-Hollywood Whodunit

From 9/11/09:
This A List Hollywood star had had public battles with drug abuse. He seems to have put it all behind him and settled into a successful career and happy home life. What his wife doesn’t know is that he has started quietly smoking pot with his teenage son and his son’s buddies. (The scene reminds of Ryan O’Neal’s early indiscretions with his kids.) The actor doesn’t see any harm in it, but friends who know are worried.

Janet Charlton-Hollywood Whodunit

From 9/18/09:
Friends are worried because they think THIS star signed up for “Dancing with the Stars” HOPING to be injured! Twinkle toes has long had a penchant for drugs of all kind, and especially painkillers. Rigorous rehearsals often cause amateur dancers to have injuries and back problems that can last for who-knows how long. This dancer may be eagerly anticipating the powerful pills and shots generally prescribed for recovery. Friends predict such an injury will lead directly to another stint in rehab.

Ted's letter to Morgan Mayhem

Yesterday, Ted and the Awful Team wrote this...

An Open Letter to Morgan Mayhem

Dear Morgan,
It's your dear pals here at Team Awful, and we think you'd better listen up to what we have to type.
What the s--t is wrong with you? Are you so high you think news of your latest antics doesn't travel back to gossip bloggers in Los Angeles? Think again. We've heard all about the ridiculous crap you're still pulling while out clubbing, and it's getting pathetic.
We're not even bothering to make you a Blind Vice for the week; you aren't good enough for that anymore. Really, we are thisclose to just straight outing you right here in the blog thanks to your highly visible, most recent drug stunt...
I mean, come, on: doing meth (again) in front of everyone at a recent party, having a freak-out moment and totally losing it while everyone watched and, yes, judged you.
And the pathetically funny thing is: Your pals who you think are right there with ya are the ones worried for your life. Us, too. Girlfriend, you used to have the potential to be a big player in the H'wood game, but right now you should worry less about your failing career and more about how you plan to stay friggin' breathing. At this rate, it isn't going to be for that much longer.
It's not even fun anymore to chronicle your sad pleas for attention. Would outing you once and for all be what it takes for your remarkably still-gorgeous ass to actually get help? We're considering it. Surely a rehab stint would follow, but maybe this time it would stick since the world would know you're into the painfully hard stuff, not just coke and booze anymore.
Figure it out, or we will for you.
Team Awful

Hmmm not surprising. Except for the part about her being "remarkable still gorgeous". Really? BTW, we know that Morgan Mayhem is Lindsay Lohan, for anyone not paying attention to Ted's blind vices over the past couple of years. See our labels on the right side of the screen to read more about LiLo's antics.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

New York Daily News- Gatecrasher

WICKED WHISPERS: With their partners away, celebs have been using Fashion Week as an opportunity to play! Which two pop stars made sweet music on Sunday night after the gal gave the guy a private lap dance? Hope his longtime girlfriend doesn't find out ... Which supermodel mended her recently broken heart over the weekend with the very-engaged bassist of a hot rock band?


Friday, September 18, 2009

One Payback Blind Vice

New from Ted today...

One Payback Blind Vice

There's a pretty successful media dude who's become awfully adept at peddling the gossipy side o' life via his electronic media kingdom. His name is Whore-Hey Hoeman. Considering Mr. Hoeman's arguably impressive background, many folks have been surprised by the guy's career path. But does Whore-Hey care in the least? Nope, not at all. Especially with all the bucks he's currently making, not to mention the great ass he's getting on the side!
So what's the prob? Well, someone who's not exactly a fan of Hoeman caught him at a private resort...
...being all sorts of cozy with the secret luscious boyfriend, out in public.
The fellow resortgoer was not impressed, as she has many, many friends who are, at times, razzed, ridiculed, fried and cut up to pieces by Whore-Hey's increasingly cutting media mouth. And she knew perfectly well that the nearly naked beef beside Whore-Hey's side was one he planned on keeping (firmly) on the down-low, with a sweaty grip.
So she made her approach. She scooted over. She feigned mutual-friend hellos, that sort of silly social thing.
Whore-Hey was cool, but polite. Then she went for it: "How would you like it if I took your picture right now with your boyfriend and sold it someplace and just put this out for all the world to see?!" she seethed, half-jokingly, but really not.
Hoeman immediately clammed up, iced the woman and glared right past her. His point was clear: He would most definitely not like it, and she was therefore promptly dismissed. Our brave babe asked again, to no avail, before marching off, equally chilly, but no pic taken.
But get this: The ticked-off rich bitch is plotting. She still considers it a good idea to get Hoeman photographed (or written about) in any way he would consider unflattering, whenever she gets another chance.
She be on a mission, this vengeful broad.
So beware, Whore-Hey.

And It Ain't: A.J. Hammer, Mario Lopez, Matt Drudge

Update 11/26/09 - Ted has also eliminated Donald Trump, Howard Stern, Ted Casablanca, Anderson Cooper

Top suspect: Harvey Levin

Monday, September 14, 2009

NY Post- Just Asking 9/14/09

WHICH has- been action hero has knocked up his comely assistant? When his longtime girlfriend learned of the impending birth, she angrily split . . . WHICH world-famous actor has fallen out with his equally A-list director? They have weeks to go on their upcoming block buster, but the actor thinks the director is arrogant and dismissive of his ideas, while the director considers his lead ing man to be a spoiled, over rated punk.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Vintage Ted: Jordache Junky

Ok after it has been confirmed Kirstin Dunst has been a Blind Vice star, I had to dig these up. Here are the old Jordache Junky Blind Vices from 2005. These are the ones that Kirstin Dunst was suspected for:

From Oct 27 2005 - One Skanky Step By Step Blind Vice

If I were you, I wouldn't invite Jordache Junky to your son's bar mitzvah. She might lure him into a stairwell and do him.

Now, don't get me wrong, girlfriends. Most boys would be thrilled to get into J2's prissy undies. I mean, she's been in, like, a million movies, many of which young boys just worship.

That's why I can't believe what she pulled at a Hollywood bash last week. Gulp. There's no delicate way to put it, so here goes: J.J. banged a cater-waiter. And she didn't take him home in a doggie bag. Nope, J.J. jumped this dude's bones in the damn stairwell.

If you think it sounds sexy in an Unfaithful kinda way, hold yer Trojans. She was wasted. And while most of the gals her age dig cocaine, J2's more of a, well, horse girl. Yep, she was smacked out. Poof.

Oh, Jordache. I'm sorry 'bout all yer on-and-off relationship woes. I'm also sad for yer latest flicks--which fail on a lotta freakin' levels. But really, honey. A catering dude in a stairwell at an Industry party?!

The above shoulda been the stuff on which porn movies are based--not some sad little episode that had the guy's colleagues nodding their heads in pitiful tsk-tsks. I hear nobody even broke a damn sweat! What kind of friggin' sex act is that--something George and Laura do?

Now, I know you're not friends with Paris Hilton. But maybe you should be?

And it ain't: Mena Suvari Scarlett Johansson Jessica Alba

Remember the Brittany Murphy controversy? Her agents went wild telling everyone that Jordache was not her.

Here is the next one:

From Nov 2005 - One Needling Blind Vice

Gloria Good-Hag has a great career. She's also quite adept at bedding her leading men, most notably Bill Bisexual (Gloria's most recent 300-count-style notch). But is it the dudes who interest the lithe sexpot the most?

No way. And no--this ain't yet another homo-laden nooky story--it's not the girls, either, who do it for Glor. It's the horsies.

Not the gambling kind, darlin's, the shoot-'em-up kind, as in smack. Horse. Heroin.

And just in case you didn't know, heroin happens to be so in right now. Forget painkillers (too Michael J.) or porno (too Tom S.). It's all about the high one gets from snorting or shooting this incredibly potent--and addictive--opiate. Heaven help the guys 'n' gals who are currently obsessed with the stuff, most recently Jordache Junky, the star who screwed the cater-waiter in One Step-by-Skanky-Step Blind Vice a coupla weeks ago.

Gloria's more crisp, more aloof than emotional Jordache. She's also more stupid, have to say. The ditzo broad didn't even know how to fool the standard insurance drug testing on her last glossy pic, Isn't Life Seamless?, and she turned up positive for heroin.

Consequently, Isn't's producers had to pay double the premium on Gloria's skinny little bum. And let's say these suits were about as pleased with this development as Isn't's makeup artists were each morning with Gloria's puss.

Enough concealer to make Joan Rivers youthful again was required for the bags under Gloria's strung-out eyes. Particularly since Isn't's makeup look was something akin to a White Linen photo shoot.


And it ain't: Maggie Gyllanhaal, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes

Therefore, after those two, the top suspect for Jordache Junky = Kirstin Dunst

The Blind Vice Superstar Gallery

Today, Ted made a Blind Vice Superstar Gallery - 25 celebs who have been starring players in their own Blind Vice.

Good stuff with a lot of hints, check it out.

Also see our post here with a complete list of who has been confirmed as a BV, those who have not been, and the list of those Ted has revealed.

Blind Vice: Topher Hairy-Tuchus Gets Caught in Bed!

New BV from Ted today -

Blind Vice: Topher Hairy-Tuchus Gets Caught in Bed!

We're just crazy for debauchery here at Blind Vice central! On top of our fab 'n' fierce Blind Vice Superstars gallery, we've got another Blind first today: a Vice candidate appearing two weeks in a row!
Now, last week's inaugural Blind Vice about Topher Hairy-Tuchus brought all kinds of hilarious reactions, my personal fave being a comment from hmmm (could you get a little more original with your moniker, bitch?) who stated: "Sorry but this sounds made up..Ted printed an email the other day that complained how boring the straight Blind Vices are and he needs more gay ones, all of a sudden all of these gay Blind Vices happen to be appearing."
Are you for real, "hmmm"? A.T. is usually all about the closeted gay dudes, and besides, not only do we never make this naughty stuff up (ever) we've since heard back about Topher's earlier life, back when he was married.
Turns out he likes to take chances, just like he did with that anonymous Internet dude he tried to have sex with through a sheet. So when Hairy-Tuchus had a female spouse, he had the nerve to...
Bring a guy back to his house and get down to it on the bedroom he shared with his wife! Too bad they don't put in anything about protecting the sanctity of the marriage bed in those vows, huh? And, as soon as hot Hairy and his hunky minuteman were about to complete the manly act, guess who walks in on him?
Yep, the missus. To say she was pissed is to say I'm hot for Robsten. But it also explains a few things:
If anybody's caught on recently why Hairy's fake relationships with various starlets these days is so upsetting his ex, this is most likely one of chief reasons why. He can prance out ersatz honeys for camera, but not her? Yep, apparently it's an utter impossibility for Topher to be under-the-radar cool like Crotch Uh-Lastic or even the recently whipped Toothy Tile. He can't keep the fact that he likes dude somewhat discreet (as long as he's choosing to stay in the closet), he just has to—as usual—take chances and parade all kinds of risk-taking measures for many to see.
Gambling guy, this one is, for sure.
Oh, and another thing: THT's dangerous man-activities are not only well known in many professional circles, these antics are now ripping through the hallways of Hairy-Tuchus' agency with a force he'd be smart to try and cool down.
But how boring would that be?
And it ain't: Will Smith, Tom Cruise, George Clooney

Here is the link to last week's Topher Hairy Tuchus Blind Vice including a full list of those who have been eliminated.

Top suspect:

Page Six John Mayer/Kristin Cavallari blind?

I thought we could chat about this. Apparently NY Post ran a blind last week -

Which womanizing crooner has been dating a reality TV starlet for more than two years, putting her up in hotels wherever he travels for shows.

... Dlisted has revealed it to be about John Mayer and Kristin Cavallari. Ted is denying that it is true here.


Sunday, September 6, 2009

One Gory-Hole Blind Vice

Ted is back! Here was Friday's BV...

One Gory-Hole Blind Vice

Get ready for a gay, anonymous-sex hookup gone wrong—hunky movie-star style! Now, our latest Blind Vice entrant, Topher Hairy-Tuchus, has made an appearance before in the Awful Truth, but only as a supporting player—this totally handsome stud was never christened with his own moniker. Until now, anyway! And since Toph's made it into our sexyass annals, seems like he's dutifully checking off every other last step required for getting (and staying) on the Vice A-list. Lauded movies, check. Hot bod, check. Famous female companions, check. Totally closeted homo, check and then some!
'K, so a doable dude who secretly prefers the company of men is as common in H'wood as a paparazzi fender bender outside the Ivy. But it's where and how THT seeks his men that's quite noteworthy and somewhat unusual, considering how unglamorous it truly is...
Topher could nab any leading lady he wants (and he has), but when it comes to his men moods, THT goes to Craigslist. Maybe you shouldn't go looking for lovers the same place you get cheapo couches and scalped concert tickets, but no one told Toph that. And hey, his Internet dabbling worked, since somebody replied to his ad looking for a good, quickie time. No names needed, just body parts, and meaty ones at that.
Hook, line and sink 'im: Once Topher had lured his catch to the house, he went far out of his way to keep this nooky expedition under wraps—he even set up a sheet with a hole in it where all the action would take place, keeping identities secret on either side. A "glory hole" one would call it, of course, except this particular hole was cut out of fine linen (what a waste!) as opposed to etched into a dingy bathroom stall wall. Guess that makes it so much more romantic, no?
THT was ready for some clandestine action, but when Topher's gentleman showed up, the lured dude didn't want to keep it nearly as anonymous as Hairy-T. The guy refused to partake unless he could see THT's face—to check for sores (and let's be honest, to make sure he would be doing a hot guy). THT refused to budge on this bang request, but the guy swung the sheet back anyway to find one of the most wanted celebs staring back at him!
'Course, they both went through with the unsheeted deed, even after the unveiling of Topher's famous face. What horny man in the world wouldn't? What I want to know is why the ef doesn't THT use nondisclosure forms instead of stupid 300-count sheets? What a moron!
And it ain't: Daniel Radcliffe, Robert Pattinson, Chris Pine

Update 1/14/11 - Ted has eliminated Daniel Radcliffe, Robert Pattinson, Chris Pine, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, George Clooney, Adrian Grenier, Antonio Sabato Jr., Ryan Phillippe, Colin Farrell, Ashton Kutcher, Jamie Foxx, Ryan Gosling

Here is the link to the more recent Topher Hairy Tuchus Blind Vice from 9/11/09.

Page Six- Just Asking

WHICH son of a beloved rock icon has an impostor? The lookalike goes to S&M parties, wearing the same glasses his late "father" did, and doesn't correct people when they assume he's rock royalty -- but the impostor went too far by volunteering to appear as a foot-worshipping slave in a kinky video . . . WHICH curvaceous starlet and her new Hollywood hubby were reckless at a swanky LA hotel recently? The normally private twosome were spotted snorting cocaine in front of other guests.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Bonus Blind - One Tongue-Shoving Blind Vice

An Awful Truth bonus blind from Tuesday Sept 1 -

One Tongue-Shoving Blind Vice

Another weekend, another hidden Hollywood homo to uncover! This week we're offering up a treat from Team Awful—a fabulous bonus Blind too scandalously dee-lish to keep to ourselves! You didn't think that little mister Jackie Bouffant was the only young performer who liked to get all gay every once in a while, did you?

You're probably all very familiar with Maxwell Meat-Mingle. He's youngish, a little squishy but still reasonably good-looking. The guy was once a major up-and-comer in this crazy town. Even if you weren't a fan of his boob-tube hit, chances are your eyes and his abs have met at one time or another. And what's more—this isn't M3's first time to the Awful Truth rodeo.

Nowadays, though, he's something of a has-been—poor Triple-M has fallen off the charts due to a string of bad press for his bombed entertainment endeavors and tales of his less-than-stellar personality (which we've experienced firsthand, natch). Nevertheless, Max definitely started out as something of a ladies' man before he lost his boy-next-door charm and smoldering sex appeal, which is why we were almost surprised when...

Max went prowling for some guy-on-guy action. Please, where did you think this sucker was going, you little B.V. sleuths?

At a recent poolside BBQ in the hills, relatively hunky Max had his tongue halfway down the throat of another meaty little piece—right in the middle of the entire shindig! And there were some par-tick people in attendance whom bi-guy Max definitely should have looked out for! It was one of those little piggies who ran all the way home and told us about it. There goes Triple-M's die-hard status as a womanizer!

Makes sense really, 'cause we knew that Mingle had had his fair share of drug dabbling (many closeted actors do, just as Toothy Tile.) Think white nose candy literally being passed around on silver platters whenever Max was in attendance...although those days have supposedly passed. Is that why Maxwell Meat-Mingle is getting all fat? Better work on that figure, boy, if you have any chance at this planned comeback. Because secretly loving dudes and a lost six-pack surely won't give Maxwell Meat-Mingle the comeback he's dying for.

And it ain't: Adam Brody, Jesse McCartney, Mario Lopez

Update 9/14 - AT has also eliminated Nick Lachey, Josh Hartnett, Chris O' Donnell.