Friday, March 13, 2009

Blind Vice: Which Heartbreaker's Into Porn?

New today from Ted:

Blind Vice: Which Heartbreaker's Into Porn?

Schlong Fenn
is a real schmuck—everybody knows he treats women worse than his liver, everybody. And yes, more than a few folks are aware Schlong, who's infinitely talented in his many different creative endeavors, likes to reserve the right to Charlie Sheen it up and pay for his booty.

And as if this is going to surprise anybody, Schlong isn't just paying the ladies to distract him from his many other (nonpaid) gal interests, he's going for porn stars, too. That's what happens, right? I mean, it's like drugs, I guess—one minute you're tokin' on a little Black Gold, then—wham!—-you're shootin' up with Fake à la Ferocity, right? Right: So much so…

That a chick who was just filming a porn movie—high-budget stuff, no joke—right across the street from Schlong's fancyass pad just happened to end up doing Schlong, too. Hmm…wonder what S.P. was doing over there anyway, borrowing a cup of lube?

'Cause the nasty freak surely doesn't use condoms, that we know. But get this: In the course of diddling the pretty hung dude (damn shame Schlong's usually so wasted he really doesn't know what to do with his gift of an organ), she discovered that Mr. Fenn is currently having a longstanding affair with another porn actress!

Crazy, I just love this! While everybody is so frantic wondering why Schlong and his gal broke up (and then got back together and broke up and then, well, you know the boring story), no one's put it together that that other babe's a triple-X kinda gal! Oh, and that's not even the best part.

In some states (maybe all of them?), I don't believe Madame X is old enough to be having sex, much less making a living photographing it.

It Ain't: Diddy, Nick Lachey, Rob Pattinson


Update March 16 - Ted has eliminated John Mayer.

Our top suspects: Sean Penn, Colin Farrell.

21 comments:

blurry vice said...

I don't know, I was thinking John Mayer but he is Super Duper Cooper.

Teewiddy said...

Schlong Fenn sounds awfully like Sean Penn, just saying.

Teewiddy said...

Also, kind of ties into Lainey's late night prowler and instantly replaceable could mean hookers??

Beauty for ashes said...

Sean Penn! Ted slipped up and used the initials "SP" instead of "SF"!!!

gsplover said...

eddie murphy?

DivaJulia said...

I caught the "SP", too. Heh.

Jillian S. said...

How is there any question that this is NOT Sean Penn? Ted didnt even try to cover it up!

duffgrl said...

I agree, Sean Penn, not only did he use "SP" but the names rhyme!

.Blind Item Reader said...

Yeah, seriously... how could it not be Sean Penn? Worst written blind item ever.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Hi. Love reading you every day. Is Schlong Fenn John Mayer?
—AJ

Dear Slipup:
Wrong sexually amped dude, I'm afraid."

M.P. said...

What about Colin Farrell? The fenn is a shoutout to his Irishness and he did work with Angelina on Alexander the Great.

sistah2 said...

Maybe its CF. this actually fits him more than SP.

Zepto Kitty said...

But didn't Colin Farrell make a 'home movie' sans protection and he was praised for his equipment? ('Cause the nasty freak surely doesn't use condoms, that we know. But get this: In the course of diddling the pretty hung dude...)

blurry vice said...

Colin Farrell had been confirmed as a blind vice on feb 6 2009. this bv was written in march 2009. I guess this can't be him.

angie said...

to blurry vice..so if Ted reveals someone is already a blind vice, does that necessarily mean that he's not messing with us and he's actually going to put him in the upcoming one? maybe im over thinking this but Ted is always jumping around it's hard not to question him.

blurry vice said...

No, it doens't necesarily mean that Ted is planning on using that person in an upcoming one. Usually he reveals one that is not that big of a deal, that everyone has already figured out, and that isn't too damaging to a person's reputation. But he has revealed a few months ago that those who have been revealed can be given a new name.

Anonymous said...

I think this is 100% Jared Padalecki. We have it from his friend's mouth that the man used to live next door to a porn mansion filled with young porn starlets that would drop by all the time and invite the boys back to their place.

Plus, dude's been known to get down with strippers while he's in Vancouver shooting, so I don't think that indulging in "paid gal interests" is much of a stretch. And Ted confirmed him as a BV by twitter just recently, so the timeline fits.

Gabby said...

Could this be Chad Michael-Murray? I know when he broke up with Sophia Bush he started dating this extra on One Tree Hill who I'm pretty sure was under 18...has anyone found out anything more on this since it's been posted?

Gabby said...

yep just checked they started dating around 2005-06 meaning she was 16 :O

Shit You Can't Buy said...

Marilyn Manson, was dating Evan Rachel Wood, broke up multiple times, while he was screwing pornstar Stoya. Only problem is that Stoya isn't a minor, but maybe she was when they started their affair.

Shit You Can't Buy said...

To add to my Marilyn Manson guess- there have been a lot of rumors that he was shooting up with Angelina Jolie (like the blind says; Fake A la Ferocity). He made a painting of her and they met several times during the process of that. So really think it is him!

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