Saturday, August 30, 2008

One Matronly Messing Around Blind Vice


Blind Vice: Who's Wife is a Surfer-Slurpin' Slut?

Call it One Matronly Messing Around Blind Vice. Shirley Surly's a very famous half to a highly visible couple these days. Both spouses are good looking. Both married types act like they're friggin' single, and they've done this for years.
Not saying they've had orgies after the PTA meetings every other Tuesday, just that these two ain't exactly a Tom-and-Rita-type duo, not at all. And even though Shirley and her man are currently doing their damnedest to patch things up, we're told it's just because they want to look more together in their fancy neighborhood (what a friggin' lame reason, obviously this latest effort at a unified domestic front is so not going to work).
Shirley's bitchy friends—who just adore the Awful Truth, thank get-even heavens—are most def not buying this nascent happy-couple act. And their fave reason for citing why they insist S2's attempt is not going to last? "Her affair with the surfing instructor," bellowed one of these big-haired broads. "They're just never going to get past it, I don't think."
Love! It's all like some movie Aaron Spelling would have written before he croaked, starring Donna Mills or Lori Loughlin, or somebody. Maybe he did? Anyway, things don't look too sweet for sour Shirl's and her hubby—a happy 'n' squeaky ending does not appear forthcoming, promise. 'Cause the hunky dude with the board ain't the only cat in this pussy's bag.
And It Ain't: Kate Capshaw, Anette Bening, Hillary Clinton

*** Our top suspect: Cindy McCain
*** Update Nov. 13 - Ted has hinted that this is indeed Cindy McCain!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Vintage BV: Crisp Lisp

We haven't yet posted the old BV about Crisp Lisp, from Awful Truth a few years ago. We will post it here and who was eliminated ASAP. In the meantime, Ted has eliminated Ludacris, who was a top guess. I always thought CL was Joaquin Phoenix. But Ted's response today throws me off.

Dear Ted:
Hope married life is treating you well...My hubby is being a royal pain in the ass the past couple of days. Anyhow, the old B.V. with Crisp Lisp is Ludacris! Am I close? Could we get an update on Crisp, or is he just chilling and laying low? Thanks for the guilty pleasure!
—Kristen, Houston

Dear Southern Hospitality:
We're all pains in the asses at some point, right? And sometimes in a de-lish, way, eh? As to Crisp, love, please, think less doable, by far.

Here it is - from March 8 2006 -

I'm Still Here One Fellah-Flirting-in-Public Blind Vice

It had to happen.

Toothy Tile, you're toast. You've been so damn taken with the breathless watching of whether or not you'd maybe, just maybe, decide to come outta the closet you thought you'd keep your fans (not to mention my readers) on the edge of their slippery seats forever. Think again.

'Cause, girlfriend, there's a new gay in town--meet Crisp Lisp. And he's way cooler. Actually new isn't quite the right word to describe C.L., but more on him in a sec.

Let's face it. T2 was going to be dethroned as King of the Closet one of these days. Everyone is bored, already. I mean, come out or stay in, it's your call. But the way Toothy prances about (lately), never really making any statements that give us something to chomp on, is just plain aggravating.

Yes, I am much more impressed by Crisp Lisp. On Oscar night, he attended one of the hottest-ticket bashes in this damn town. And he didn't go alone. He was with his date--a very nice, if shy, dude. The two made no secret that they were on a romantic outing. And by this fetching factoid, I don't mean to imply they were sucking face and groping each other. I mean, Tara Reid C.L. is not and never will be.

Rather, Crisp and his paramour just kinda chilled. Held hands. Whispered low. Gazed longingly into each other's bedroom eyes, blah-pre-poke-behavior
-blah. Sure, everyone knew what was going on and that this is pretty much C.L.'s first foray into serious gay-relationship territory.

I wanna wish C.L. luck. And even though Crisp has a detractor, or three, in this town (who friggin' doesn't?), well, who can hold a grudge against new love?

Oh, and if you think you've seen C.-hon at a lot of high-profile parties lately, you're right. You totally have.

And It Ain't: Jonathan Rhys Myers, Terence Howard, Matt Dillon
* The people Ted eliminated are: Jonathan Rhys Myers, Terence Howard, Matt Dillon, Lance Bass, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Brandon Routh, Nick Lachey, Ludacris.

Top suspect: Joaquin Phoenix

Friday, August 22, 2008

One Spoiled-Starlet Blind Vice

New Blind Vice:

One Spoiled Starlet Blind Vice
Quite surprisingly, life is unfortunately ugly right now for Ooma Offspring, talent-less terror 'bout town. See, certain Biz dealings can be a tough swallow for the mucho rich, wannabe actress, not that you'd even know it.
O2 is very much the black sheep of her quasi-famous clan, as she's not exactly as gifted as the rest of her fam members, certainly not as fetching. Celebrated life is cruel! And sometimes poor Double O has to bullishly bear the brunt of nasty-ass jokes, but the latest one is happening behind the scenes and behind 'Ma's back (until now of course).
O.O. has been gearing up to go on a publicity tour for her latest pro endeavor, which is coming out soon, so like any "star" on a project, the corporation usually fronts the green for its talent's hair and makeup.
Natch, Ooma's peeps have been insisting on the best of the best in necessary beautifying professionals, and the suits are very reluctant to dish out the moola required. In their opinion, Offspring's not worth the makeover dough because she's just too unfortunate looking, and no Ken Paves is going to change that (highly biased, admittedly) fact.
So sad, 'cause members of O's equally famous extended fam are all devastatingly gorge with solid acting careers to match. What's a wannabe to do? (Pay for it yourself, sister, like, hello?)
And it ain't: Bindi Irwin, Lordes Leon, Ali Lohan

I have an idea who this is.... Please comment!

* Our top guess: Rumer Willis *

*** Update Feb 25 2009 - We were correct! Ted has semi-revealed this to be Rumer Willis. ***

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Ted doesn't use two names for same person!

This is important information from Ted! He revealed in a letter response today that he does NOT use different nicknames for the same person. We were never given that information before, and in fact have suspected the same person for more than one BV in the past. This has been a topic of hot debate. Now we know!

Here is the letter about this in Ted's column today:

Dear Ted:
Has Crotch Uh-Lastic ever invited Toothy Tile to swim in his pool? Have you ever used two different monikers for the same person?
—Peter, New York City

Dear Peter Patrol:
I believe no, and certainly not. That would be like double skinny-dipping!

Friday, August 15, 2008

One Skanky N' Straight Blind Vice

New from Ted...

Friday Fun! One Skanky N' Straight Blind Vice

Hold on to your hetero panties, ladies, because quite unlike Crotch Uh-Lastic, we've got a far straighter (for real) predator in town. Humpy, quasi-gorgeous reality-star Dexter Lecter likes to lurk around the Hell-Ay club scene looking for his fix or fixes, we should say—for purposes of full-disclosure journalism, as we know that's real important to all you horny hon-pies!—for the night. And let me tell ya, this addict never runs out of willing victims.

See, D.L.'s minifame is rather new, but it's building faster than his body parts, as D.L.'s dating (ha!, doing is more like it) a rather standout character on one of those catty faux reality shows we all can't get enough of. Admit it. Right now. Of course, you live for watching this crap as much as we do.

Despite Dexty's shy game onscreen, he gets quite lucky, big-time when the cameras aren't rolling. His attractiveness is def a help in the female-fishing department, but look—and this is what we've really gotta dish 'bout—his not-so-coy pickup lines scream: SoCal slut of all time. Yum, yum, right?

Uh, not really. Think of it as desultory mix between Porta-Potbelly and Gerard Butler, take a peek: "I can only f--k you in a couple positions, but don't worry, it will be great," he whispered in the ear of one too-too gorgeous T-town hottie who was kind enough to run and tattle right to A.T.! And how lame can you get—only two friggin’ positions? So gay.

What sort of player can get away with such a crass statement? Better yet, what sort of gal goes along with this? Too many, 'cause neighbors see gals galore going in and out of Lecter's hills home 'round the clock. If only D.L.'s reality GF knew. Trust, she doesn't now, but will soon.

And it ain't: Jason Wahler, Brody Jenner, Michael Lohan

Please comment!

* Update 8/20 - Ted has excluded Bret Michaels, David Cook, Reggie Bush.

*** UPDATE 8/25 - Ted has revealed Dexter Lecter to be Doug Reinhardt! ***

Friday, August 8, 2008

Blind Vice Friday - "Closeted Stars are Dummies!"

Here's the new Blind Vice - it's done differently due to Ted's new layout:

Blind Vice Friday! Closeted Stars are Dummies!
This is just great. Not only is Crotch Uh-Lastic, whom you all met last week—-and whom I could have sworn it would be at least a few weeks before we all said hullo to again—really does have his brains stuffed deep inside his paramours’ overly tight swimsuits. See, the big-screen idol, whose pics make all kinds of bucks because their themes are all so brilliantly multiplatform, is doing things just like Toothy Tile. Now that word’s just beginning to get out that Crotch loves to lure "straight" men back to his Hollywood pad and have them don all sorts of skimpy swimwear (just so CUL can slowly take it right off), Crotchy-poo’s pullin’ an emergency Toothy!
Suddenly, Crotch's rarely seen (female) significant other is out at events more. Suddenly, the S.O.'s mentioned in media interviews. Suddenly, the S.O., who’s more East Coast based, is in Hell-Ay! None of this happened until more than just days prior to last week's baddy Blind, believe me. Oh, and then—quite the opposite—gone missing are Mr. U.L.’s previously very homo-friendly statements to the press. It’s all so Rock Hudson, really. Or Toothy Tile, as I said before. Now, a word to the surreptitious swim fan: T2, even though a surprisingly large amount of folks are buying this ersatz domesticity you're pulling off so well in the tabloids and such, it ain’t gonna work with you, bro. At least, not while you’re having nooky delivered to your house in limos. At least Tooth keeps it somewhat discreet with the BF!

And it ain't: The Rock, Matthew Broderick, P Diddy

Oh, now this combined with last week (see below), this is soooo James Franco.

Here is the link to the other Crotch-Uh-Lastic Blind Vice from Aug 1, '08
And here is the one from Nov 20 '09.  And Oct 8 '10.

* Update 6/17/11: Ted has eliminated The Rock, Matthew Broderick, P Diddy, Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Josh Harnett, Ryan Phillipe, Kevin Spacey, Adam Brody, Chris Kattan, Brody Jenner, John Mayer, Derek Hough, Alexander Skarsgard, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe, Zac Efron, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise, Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, Alexander Skarsgård, Garrett Hedlund, Stephen Moyer, Chris Colfer.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Shout out from Ted...

I believe Ted Casablanca has given us a shout out. When he revealed the Faye Dunaway Blind Vice the other day, he titled that section "Blind Vice Exposed!". I've never seen him use that term before, so I think it was his way of saying he likes our site. :)

Anyway, what do you all think of Ted's new format? I know he has been saying for a while that he wanted to blog to keep current as news happens, rather than have a once daily column. But I preferred it the old way. Thoughts?

Friday, August 1, 2008

Awful Truth mini-blind

Ted has a second blind item hidden in his column today:

Girls Going, Going, Gone
And as long as we’ve gotten off to a hideously snitty start, let’s keep it up, mes chères! Two T-town babes are being very bitched about behind their supersvelte backs. One we’ll name; one we won’t (well, at least, not right this sec).

Ted then goes off on a tangent about Kate Hudson... then writes the following:

Also, there’s a very high-profile dame in town who might want to start getting better friends. Her serpent-tongued amigas are selling out their girlfriend—who’s divorcing from her creepazoid , very rich hubby—right and left, talking crap about her everywhere. Hosts are complaining about having to “choose” which half of the splitting couple they’ll invite to parties. What a dilemma! Seating plans trump mental anguish any day in H'wood, right? No one cares about said potential divorcée, in the least, only about her soon-to-be-ex-schmuck’s money. Women, per usual, are expendable in this town. Never the green.

Guess in a comment!

One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice

Ted's latest BV Aug 1:

Mischief Mavens
Toothy Tile's got some big-box (office) competition with a similarly closeted mega movie star who's awfully kinky by the pool—check it out in Blind Vice Friday!

Drowning in Deceit
Crotch Uh-Lastic is the latest T-town lad to loosen his gay inhibitions—as long as he's at home by the pool with a damn-near porn script! Check it out in an all-wet, all-new Blind Vice!
Shirtless James Franco Signed Portrait

One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice

Toothy Tile, doll-hon, you’ve met your homo match. ‘Cause there’s a new rising, closeted star in town (actually, he’s been rising for, like, ages now, but, whatev) who’s putting your clandestine, closeted—not to mention kinky!—ways to shame. Maybe you know him? Name’s Crotch Uh-Lastic. Ring a bell, babe? Thought so.
Now, keep in mind, Toothy and Crotch have never made a flick together, though they do both go in for the same roles rather often. Similar brooding thing going on. You know, that tough yet tangible, touchable, almost boyish loveliness, a little crusty on the sides, too. Know the type? Oh who cares about actor oeuvre, let’s get to the dirty part and oozing sex outta control, my little horn-hons!
So Crotch, like a lot of his hetero counterparts in this Biz, is all wrapped up in fantasy. Whereas Toothy likes it dangerous and out in the open—Hollywood parking lots, anybody?—Crotch prefers his assignations played out as if they were the plots of one of his artier flicks (he's had plenty). This is how the boy likes it: He chooses a stud, latest one being a straight—wink, wink, right—trainer who’s busy trying to get a modeling/acting/smoldering-look career going and asks him to come over to the Hollywood pad. Mr. U.-L. has an East Coast home, too, but the pool in his Hollywood hang is so much fun for game playing. The man-meat Crotch has selected is told, beforehand, to await his limo ride to the Hell-Ay house and, once he arrives, to head straight to the pool area, adorned with chaise lounges. On these tastefully tufted settees, like little lost Saks Fifth Avenue summer catalog lovelies, lay various box-cut (never Speedo, how Matthew McConaughey!) swim trunks.
Silently, oh so discreetly, the stud-for-hire is then told to take off all his clothes and put on any of the suits he likes, at which point Crotch struts out and the inevitable seduction, complete with end-of-the-show water works, begin. And Crotch can only get the ol’ equipment up and hosing, I’m told, if said scenario is pursued.
How damn exhausting. Whatever happened to a little sweat, not too much intrigue and even fewer props? Is that so old-fashioned? For Crotch, the answer would be yes.
And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey

* Our top suspect: James Franco.
Here is the link to the other Crotch-Uh-Lastic BV on Aug 8, '08 including a full list of those eliminated.
Here is CUL BV from Nov 20, '09.  And the most recent Oct 8, '10.