Saturday, June 11, 2011

Blind Vice: Shafterella Shoshstein Leaves the Evil Conniving to Others!

We should have known a new Shafterella BV was coming ... Ted was talking about Reese a lot this week.  Here is his new BV from yesterday...

Blind Vice: Shafterella Shoshstein Leaves the Evil Conniving to Others!

Shafterella Shoshstein and Cruella St. Shackles really should make a movie together. After all, these two mega-manipulators are made for each other!
How Do You KnowA new version of Thelma &  Louise, maybe? Nah, a remake of Black Swan would be better, with Shafterella playing the crafty Natalie Portman part, and Cruella going for Winona Ryder's tragic, aging diva character.
But, dolls, we are way off topic here, which is to report that real-life power manipulator Shafterella has been corralling her friends to...
Do her dirty work for her.
Now, it's no surprise that Ms. S.—whose multi-talents apparently extend behind the camera, as well—has been demanding that those who are employed by her do her nasty bidding for years. This is pretty much legend. Whether it's been dropping friends, movies or lunch dates, those not-nice tasks have always been left to those on Shafterella's payroll—all so Shafty can plead innocence if ever confronted and proclaim, "Why I had no idea they did that..."
But S2's gotten so used to the Teflon way of life, she's now started to get her friends—as well as her man—in on the act, having them send messages of preachy recrimination to those who displease Shafterella (trust us, the list is looong).
Hmmm. Is this the reason Shafty's coterie of BFFs is not quite what it once was? And is that the reason Ms. Shoshstein's been putting a few too many away lately? Oh my, the nasty domino gossip effect just keeps going on and on—it's all too yummy for words!
Just don't let Shafty catch you talking about any of this, or she'll send one of her humorless and unattractive mouthpieces (whether paid or not, Shafty always makes it a point to surround herself with less pretty people, always has) to tear you a new a-hole!
Bitch knows the right devil messenger service to use!
AND IT AIN'T: Nicole Kidman, Cindy Crawford, Christina Aguilera

Please refer to the label below for a link to our previous Shafterella posts, including a full list of who has been elminated.

Top suspect: Shafterella = Reese Witherspoon

(See the label at right for the Cruella posts.  Top suspect for Cruella is Nicole Kidman.)


blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
This is going to be a super-unpopular question, but what the heck is wrong with Robsten? At the MTV awards, Rob looked higher than a kite. He couldn't even put a sentence together! This is more than just the "awkwardness" that made him so endearing in the beginning. He was hard to watch, and she's not much better.

Dear Duh:
As I've famously made it no secret why I adore both Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart (precisely because of their genuineness, awkwardness and lack of slicked-up fakeness), not quite sure why you're asking me? But since you have, I'd stop paying attention to the super-packaged folk like Reese Witherspoon and more to stars who seem a little weird. You can trust them more, take my word."

"Dear Ted:
So tell me Ted, the truth please. When Reese gave her speech about all high and mighty about girls becoming famous for reality TV and naked pics (which I agree with the message, just not the preacher), all E! seems to mention is that maybe she was referring to our dear ole Blake. No single mention of K-Dash, what-so-ever and becoming famous for re-al TV. Be honest, you or E! MUST be under contract not to say a bad word about those krazy Kardashians....right?? Just admit, she was dead on with the E! starlets. ADMIT Ted!

Dear Dash Basher:
Oh come on, we have no probs calling out the K's. You're right that they fit the nudey lovin' reality TV starrin' mold, but any Kardash sex tape scandals are old news by now and we love that they totally embrace their bad behavior! Hello, Khloé was practically thrilled with her nip slip this week! Blake, who was actually in the audience during Reese's speech, is the subject of the most recent naked scandal and she keeps denying it, so her supposed dirty deeds have everyone talking...including Saint Reese."

Rita said...

Why is it surprising that Reese has others do her dirty work? She maintains her sweet as pie image at all times, and have others take the fall. No big deal, really, or no surprise, I think she and Sarah Jessica Parker have a lot in common on that ground. They always look sweet, but those chicks fight dirty behind the scenes.

Kim said...

That comment by "K" about Robsten at the MTV awards was me!! I'm so thrilled that Ted finally answered one of me questions... sort of. What I was getting at is if there are some serious chemical enhancements there, which Ted seems to have eluded to in the past. Thoughts?

Juda1 said...


You mentioned SJP ... A family member in NY worked on SATC [TV series, not film] & said that she's the nicest person in the world & totally like how she comes across in interviews etc.. She was apparently the nicest on the entire set & also the most approachable.

Rita said...

Kim - congrats! always great to have friends from this site appear on Bitch Backs. As for Kristen, her BV obviously alludes often to chemical consumption.

As for this BV, I know I compared Shafterella to SJP, but I think Juda that SJP's and Reese's blinds, as well as your experience with SJP, sort of proves my point: they never do their dirty deeds themselves, have others commit them, and ALWAYS at all times protect their image of goody two-shoes.

Reese always plays the good girl, but behind the scenes, through her people, she always gets her way, whether warranted or not, and ends up looking like a Saint or a victim. Never the victimizer.

Anonymous said...

Totally agree with you, Rita. Have you seen the video of the UK interview with Rob Lowe, Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms? Rob and Bradley were both talking about their experiences dealing with SJP's intermediaries.

Rita said...

Cathy - never! do you have a link? I've heard many things about SJP's behind the scenes behavior, came to light with Kim Catrall situation. Team Kim all the way! Now there's a lady who doesn't bullshit you, but still does it with class and sass!

Anonymous said...

Rita - here's a link to the video and summary:

I realize that Rob Lowe only jokingly called her a bitch, but I'm guessing there was a part of him that really meant it.

FrenchGirl said...

Bradley Cooper could be nicer with her because he's not a saint with "how to be with the women and your wife especially"

Anonymous said...

Not saying that Bradley Cooper doesn't have any skeletons in his own closet, but that doesn't change the fact that she used a third party intermediary to tell him not to use tongue when they kissed for a movie.

Gina said...

I almost started to think that Shafterella is actually Jennifer Garner, especially after the most recent bitch-back responses. If you read back on some of the previous BV's, it seems it could match. Am I missing something?

Is there any way Cruella could be J.Lo? Interested in what you all have to say--LOVE THIS BLOG!!

Kirby said...

@Moi, no for JLo for me. She doesn't look too diferent - maybe Botox, but everything looks the same somewhat, esp. the behind ;P

@Rita, totally agree. There's a person like Reese in every office.

Juda1 said...

Well, the family member worked on SATC for several years, fairly high-up & has never said a bad word about SJP, unlike what she has to say about some of the other cast members!

As far as Reese is concerned I've never believed she was little miss perfect. I've always been able to see through it - I don't think she ever comes across as genuine however big her smile & southern accent appear.

LotusLady9 said...

I can understand why Reese and SJP are so fierce; they are both Aries women. Aries are typically aggressive and 'me first' in a lot of their dealings. I wouldn't want to make either one of them mad!


Rita said...

Moi, Cruella has been proven by timelines to be Nicole Kidman.

About JLo, same with timelines, she is sadly Strippa Yipa.

Lotus, Angie Jolie is an Aries too.

And hey, does anyone remember the Sex and the City episode when Carrie is late for a photo shoot for the over 30 and fabulous and gets photographed looking ugly with a cigarette? Remember the guy she meets in a bar later after the magazine with her ugly mug on the front page is out, very cool young dude, fun-loving, was taking her home when they stopped for cigarettes on the way and saw her picture on the front page looking over 30 and Fabulous?

Well, the guy was BRADLEY COOPER. no shit. They have history. He knows what he's talking about, even jokingly.

Kirby said...

Does anybody else think Ted spun out such a minor and probably dated detail into an article? Just a musing...

Anonymous said...

@Kirby - I totally agree. What a boring update on Shafty.

People on the E! boards had an interesting guess as to why he posted it. Apparently there was an article on Teds blog about Reese partying with Chelsey Handler after the VMAs. It was removed after a short period of time. Maybe Reese had her henchmen bully Ted into taking it down? I could see that making him mad and posting this as revenge.

Mrs George Glass said...

@Juda1 - Please share the dirt on the other SATC cast members!

@Kirby - Yes I also wondered if this could be old news and/or blown out of proportion.

I've never bought Reese's America's Sweetheart image. Remember the unflattering stories from Kevin Smith and the Legally Blonde director? And she always looked she was gritting her teeth through a bad mood in interviews I'd seen. BUT since her fauxmance with Jake ended, she has seemed waaaay more light-hearted, natural and comfortable in her own skin. The bawdy-humoured Reese of late doesn't fit with with the girl who would get mad at people laughing between takes on Legally Blonde, so I wonder if she might have genuinely changed.

Maybe she is still the crafty Shafty deep down, I don't know, but I can't shake the feeling Ted is reaching on this one.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
RE: Shafterella...Total SEXISM! If this woman is working "behind the scenes" as well, that means that she is a director or producer. Of course she is going to have her assistants, managers, agents, business managers, etc. do the work for her that they are paid to do. That includes canceling the scheduling of business meetings, movies contracts, lunch appointments, and firing people. If her man happens to work professionally in the industry, it makes sense that he would participate in the business as well. If this BV were about a man, it would be called "another day at the office".

Dear Cry Wolf:
Don't burn that bra yet, Kriss—you know I love a strong woman as much as you seem to, and I don't play into that double standard BS H'wood loves to dish out. You've got it all wrong tho. While Shafty is sure to get her professional peers to handle certain biz (that much you are right about), she likes to let her high-powered pals handle way personal biz in totally inappropriate ways. Not cool, male or female.

Dear Ted:
Reading back through the old Shafterella B.V.s, I found something a little confusing. In her very first B.V., you specifically refer to her as straight, but in her second B.V., you talk about S.S. hooking up with chicks. What's the deal—does S.S. really play for both teams? Any girls on the horizon now (if it is who we all suspect, wouldn't that be a scandal)?

Dear Getting the Shaft:
It was new info for me too, J! While Shafty prefers men—famous men mostly, of course—she's not afraid to get her lesbo on when she wants to. No par-tick chicks in S's luscious life right now, scandalous or otherwise.

duffgrl said...

First of "Mrs George Glass"!!! Who doesn't love the Brady Bunch! Great episode.

This is SO Reese. Know a former employee of hers, it totally fits.She is a control-freak,cheap, and not nice. As far as SJP goes-have heard she is nice for the most part..but,who knows. Bradley Cooper worked w/ her twice; the only negative thing he had to say was that he couldn't full-on make out w/ her on SATC-no tongue. No biggie.

Alissa said...

Happy I had another question printed in the bb's re Shafterella. I think someone mentioned here someone thought it could possibly be Jen, and I thought he possibly wrote that last blind to try to mislead us in that direction. I was trying to get Ted to link it to Reese by being close while notting Jen. He didn't, plan foiled.

"Dear Ted:
As the mother of a preteen, I was happy to see Reese Witherspoon make her statement regarding nude tapes and pics at the MTV Awards. At first, I thought it was because she is a mother of a young girl herself. However, your recent Blind Vice had me wondering if she was really doing the dirty work for her BFF Jen Garner, aka Shafterella Shoshstein. Can you tell me if I am close? Is my instinct right?

Dear On and Off:
Your instincts are good, I dare say, though not entirely correct: Garner is not Shafterella, and Reese certainly does not go around town finagling deals for her friends. Herself, maybe. But she's nobody's bitch—a side to Witherspoon I've always totally dug. Just wish she wouldn't dress it up with so much sugary, Southern stuff, which I don't think anybody ultimately truly buys."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
As the mother of a preteen, I was happy to see Reese Witherspoon make her statement regarding nude tapes and pics at the MTV Awards. At first, I thought it

was because she is a mother of a young girl herself. However, your recent Blind Vice had me wondering if she was really doing the dirty work for her BFF Jen

Garner, aka Shafterella Shoshstein. Can you tell me if I am close? Is my instinct right?

Dear On and Off:
Your instincts are good, I dare say, though not entirely correct: Garner is not Shafterella, and Reese certainly does not go around town finagling deals for

her friends. Herself, maybe. But she's nobody's bitch—a side to Witherspoon I've always totally dug. Just wish she wouldn't dress it up with so much sugary,

Southern stuff, which I don't think anybody ultimately truly buys."

**** *****

Notice title of bitch-back. Ted calls Reese crafty, as he has called Shafterella.

Rita said...

Blurry, noticed that one too. It's odd how lately Ted is more than strongly hinting at some of his most popular Blind Vicers: for example Nicole Kidman, cannot miss links with her bv!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
It's been pretty dry out there, so I thought we should play a game. So far this summer, which of our Blind Vices has been the most scandalous? Most

surprising? Most annoying? Sexiest?

Dear Summer Entertainment:
Hmmm, after much deliberation, here's my Vicer vote:
Most Scandalous: Sally Pearlsmyth
Most Surprising: Toothy Tile
Most Annoying: Shafterella Shoshstein
Sexiest: Crotch Uh-Lastic"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Why did I picture Karl Lagerfeld as President Snow throughout the entire Hunger Games trilogy? On a separate note, do you think Shafterella Shoshstein will

have any more babies with a fella?

Dear Casting Agent:
OMG. Your subconscious casting was so perfect we just had to share. Now, if only Karl could act...And yeah, we could see Shaft shacking up in the name of

babes once again. It's totally her thing!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What's the latest on Shafterella Shoshstein? This babe is not the shy retiring type is she? How deep are her talons sunk into her new guy? Or is it the other

way around?

Dear Give the Shaft:
Deep, Patty. He knows who's the boss in that relaysh."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What's new with Shafterella Shoshstein? I hear she may have staged an accident to cover up bruising probably from some cosmetic work. How crafty of her. But

it's all in a days work for her never-really-as-it-seems life style.

Dear Way Off:
Honey, that's the dumb crap everybody else pulls in this town, not crafty Shafty. Ever.

Dear Ted:
If I had to choose, I'd say my favorite Vicers are Veronica Bee-Stings and Shafterella Shoshstein. Both are crafty broads who are only out for themselves.

But if you had to choose an all-time favorite Vicer, who would it be and why?

Dear How Vicetastic!:
Too funny, doll, because Veronica and good-ol' be-yotch Shafty could not hate each other more! But I've said it before and I'll say it again: Toothy will

always hold a special place in my heart. On a lesser note, crackers Chiquita and chilly Cruella are always good for a laugh and a smirk, respectively."

blurry vice said...


Dear Ted:
What's up with Shafterella Shoshstein these days? Anything new?

Dear the Bitch Is Back:
Vice-wise? Nothing too juicy (or, more likely in her case, totally evil). Could Shafty be turning a new leaf?! Don't count on it…"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Fellow Big-D survivor (LakeHighlands, not Highland Park) and longtime shelter supporter here. With all these babies percolating and popping out in Celeb

World, I have a question for you. Based solely on their mothering skills (either actual or anticipated), how would you rank these She-Vicers: Cruella St.

Shackles, Shafterella Shoshstein and Fake à la Ferocity? And just so you don't play coy, the order should be best to worst!

Dear Dallas Dame:
Number one, by far, would be Cruella. Not even a contest when compared with the others. Next would be more of a surprise: Shafterella (as she's so very good
at peddling that mamacita image), then a distant third would be Fake a la, who really wishes she could prevent her kids from having some of the tough knocks
she's endured."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I wonder if everyone else was as surprised as I was to hear that Cruella St. Shackles is the best mom of the three (with Shaftarella Shoshstein and Fake à la

Ferocity). What a great question that was! I wonder, of the three, do any of them have any female friends, or have their antics chased everyone away (except

their significant other men, of course). Could you rank them by reputation as a person, best to worst?

Dear BFF 4 Ever:
Shafty has the most gal pals, of course—who else to do her evil bidding?—though Ms. St. Shackles and Fakey have a few too. As for your second question: I'd

say Shaftarella, Fake, Cruella (in the order you asked for)."

blurry vice said...

""Dear Ted:
I admit I have my favorite Vicers. Can you tell me what's going on with Veronica Bee-Stings, Jerry Rock-Butt and Shafterella Shoshtein?

Dear Pushy!
How's two out of three, OK? Veronica is very happy her stingers are settled permanently into one dude right now (and how) and Shafty could certainly say the same. Though, her bee-stings have never really been very impressive. But she sure can bite!""

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Are Jake Gyllenhaal and Anna Kendrick really a couple?

Dear Princess of Persia:
Moo, I expect more from you! If you read the whole item, you'd know that the two are not together, they just got muy comfortable with each other during

filming End of Watch, so it sorta seemed like they were dating. I'm actually surprised there weren't more rumors, though—they have surprisingly hot
chemistry. Much more than Jake's costar Reese Witherspoon, who he did hook up with at one time."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
How long has Sammy Sniffles been around Hollywood? Also I don't know what to think about Reese Witherspoon. She just seems kind of fake to me, like she always want to seem so perfect. What's her deal? Does have a Vice or make a cameo in a juicy one? I bet she has some role in Vicey behavior.

Dear The Search for Sniffles:
Sniffles has been in H'Wood longer than you may think, but it's more recently that S.S. has shot to stardom. As for Reese? Babe's a Blind Vice superstar. We love the
seemingly sweet-as-pie gal, but let's just say Reese definitely has some Vicey skeletons hidden in her picture-perfect closet."