Saturday, February 11, 2012

Bonus Blind Vice! Footballer's Secret to Success Revealed!

Missed this bonus BV from Sunday...

Bonus Blind Vice!  Footballer's Secret to Success Revealed!

You've got the chips and dip and buckets of beer…and I've got the Blind Vice, sports fans.
I know you adore our more athletic Vice stars (like scummy Pepper Harthman and scummier Taller Baller), so to celebrate the holiest of football days I want to introduce you to Albie Ass-Slapper, a stud whose been Vicing in front of your eyes the whole season:

You heard me: Albie is getting Vicey on the field.
Well, actually his Blind biz starts in the locker room before the game...but we'll get to that in a second.
Trust me, you've heard of Albie before: He's got a way with the old pigskin, which makes him mucho talked about on all those postgame sportscasts.
On top of that, his scruffy jawline and killer six-pack makes AAS very easy on the eyes.
But back to Albie's Vicey sports skills: He's got quite the arm and can Hail Mary with the best of ‘em, which has landed him in tons of big games. Not today's Super Bowl, but whatever.
So what's Albie's secret to success?
Icy Hot…on his junk.
Yep, before he hits the field, Albie likes to slather up his undercarriage with a gel that makes his stuff…well, we hear it burns like hell. But Albie is all about that "no pain, no gain" mentality and believes his pregame ritual makes him throw further.
So there you have it. Hmmm, wonder what kind of secrets the studs hitting the field today are hiding. Who knows, they all might be Icy Hotting it!
And as for Albie, well you've finally got a Vice moniker—just like all those H'wood chickies you're into.
AND IT AIN'T: Jay Cutler, Eli Manning, Tom Brady

Top suspect:


blurry vice said...

Don't know yet. But funny how he mentions Taller Baller and Pepper Harthman, then makes Jay Cutler and Elim Manning AIAs. :)

blurry vice said...

OK, my guess is Mark Sanchez. Hasn't he dated a lot of actresses etc? I need to get caught up on all the mailbags for the week though. Out of the loop on elims at this point.

sistah2 said...

Must be an NFL QB - could it be Tebow? LOL if it is.

KaDixonLaw said...

We know that Ted has been itching to dig up dirt on Tim Tebow (go Gators!), but Albie has "a way with the old pigskin" and believes that icing his junk increases his throwing distance. Tebow is and always has been known for running the ball. His passing skills are widely questioned (somewhat unfairly, if you ask me). In addition, Albie is known for his scruff. So is Aaron Rodgers from Green Bay. Rodgers is also rumored to have dated Erin Andrews and Jessica Szohr prior to his current girlfriend. My vote is for him with Mark Sanchez as a runner-up.

Brooklyngirl said...
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Brooklyngirl said...
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lns212 said...

what about drew brees?

Savannah said...

It sounds like this is a way of Ted insinuating that Albie may be attracted to other guys? As in he needs to Icy Hot his crotch to keep from getting aroused in the showers?

Anonymous said...

I like the Mark Sanchez is what Wikipedia has to say:
"Sanchez is known for his fierce, competitive nature. In December 2010, following dismal performances, Rex Ryan threatened to reduce Sanchez's repetitions with the first-team offense during practice. Sanchez was immediately incensed and at one point was prepared to fight Ryan for his job.

Sanchez has also been praised for his arm strength, immediately drawing comparisons to Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Namath. Sanchez has proven to be proficient in short passing situations as well"

In addition, Ted used the word "mucho" which is a Spanish term. Sanchez is of Mexican heritage.

Kate said...

I take the hail mary clue as an important one because they are extremely rare. The only quarterback that stuck out to me besides Eli Manning and Tom Brady (one successful, one not) on the list was Ben Rothlisberger (sp) and it's says getting vicey "on the field" which may mean he's known for being vicey off of it already and he's had the rape allegations against him. It also says he wasn't in "today's Super Bowl" that kind of sounds like he's been in ones before, which Big Ben certainly has. I don't know if I would call him easy on the eyes though.

Ella Bee said...

What about Aaron Rodgers? He is definitely one of the most talked about QBs, has the looks according to some, and he is pretty low key, so this might be the worst Ted can get on him. He was just voted MVP for this last season, so he is definitely one of the more popular/famous players too.

KaDixonLaw said...

@Ella Bee, Aaron Rodgers was my guess too. I also mentioned some of the "H'wood chickies" that Ted may have been referring to in my earlier post. Of course, Mark Sanchez has also been with his fair share of starlets.

@Kate, Big Ben definitely fits on the throwing aspect of the blind, but I can't think of any famous ladies that he's been linked to. He seems to prefer raping unknowns. As a lifelong Steelers fan, it really pains me to say that.

Jess Sayin said...
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Jess Sayin said...

It's obviously Sanchez. Check the AIAs

Jay Cutler
Eli Manning
Tom Brady

Spell it out…J-E-T , Jets, Jets, Jets! It's the Sanchise, all right.

(This also accounts for why Eli and Brady were used as AIAs despite the body of the Vice already stating that "Albie" was not playing in the Super Bowl. Ted needed them for their initials, pure and simple.)

Ella Bee said...

KaDixon-how did I not see that! I agree, he is definitely known for his weird beards and mullets and whatnot. In fact, I just saw a music video of him busting a move with a mullet and 'stache, it was pretty funny. Agreed on all counts, he totally has dated starlets. He was rumored to have been with Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum as well, right before she married the guy from her band.

However....@Jess, that is pretty darned fantastic what you did there. Ha, it is kind of obvious! I think it would be funnier/juicier if it were Aaron since Mark is kind of skeezy, but it sure does make sense!