Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Vintage BV: Shellack Attack, Meatless Member

 Since Ted brought back an old name, we dug up her old BV.  Here is the vintage Shellack Attack BV from July 2006.

Two Old-School Blind Vices: July 26, 2006

I swear, I'd love to tell you all the one about the reality-TV dude who's diddling other guys in the pools of Hollywood boy-boy shindigs, but that one's just as tired (ultimately) as the one I'm about to spill. I mean, come on. Okay, okay, so I will do--so to speak--the guy dish first: See, there's this boob-tube celeb who's, like, rather good-looking. Meatless Member has a nice face. Decent arms 'n' legs, sweet smile--but not exactly a whole lotta sausage cookin' in the kitchen down below. I mean, it was very nervy of M.M. to start having sex with other guys in the pool, what with every bitchy fag around, just waiting to spill the beans with no frank, as it were. But M. was horny, so he did anyway--so there. I'm hardly surprised Mr. Member was there at the posh address, frolicking at a homo-happening soiree in the first place, but most of (naïve) America will be startled, fer sure. It's all very snore-pie predictable.

As is Shellack Attack's latest man-romping move. I mean, many folks know Shellack's got a thing for the showier, naughtier boys--despite S.A.'s heart o' gold appeal. And this latest romance Ms. A.'s so very visibly involved in is hardly the surprise in that regard. But it should be. That's because sexy Shellack has finally found herself a man who has a bigger appetite for sno-cones, powder-style, than she does. And that's sayin' somethin'! Oy. Can't you infamous types out there please come up with some new Vices, besides drugs and dalliances? Can't somebody steal a script that results in an Academy Award from their best friend anymore? I mean, that's, like, what, a hundred years ago already, isn't it? 

And it ain't: Bart Simpson/Paula Abdul; Ashlee Simpson/Randy Jackson; Jessica Simpson/Simon Cowell

Meatless Member:
  • Eliminated: Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, Paula Abadul, Carrot Top, Ty Pennington 

  • Top suspect in 2006 was Ryan Seacrest, but since then Ted has told us that he was never a BV.  Also Clay Aiken, Dane Cook were top guesses.  So.... ???

Shellack Attack:
  • Eliminated as of 7/30/11: Jessica Simpson, Ashlee Simpson, Bart Simpson, Mandy Moore, Denise Richards, Miley Cyrus, Eva Longoria, Kim Kardashian, Vivica A. Fox, Salma Hayek, Sofia Vergara, Beyonce Knowles, Julianne Hough, Cameron Diaz, Halle Berry, Jenny McCarthy, Christina Aguilera, Jenna Jameson, Rachel McAdams,Hayden Panettierre, Brooklyn Decker, Katy Perry, Kristin Cavallari
  • Top suspects: In 2006, was Heather Locklear; Also Natalie Portman, Pamela Anderson.  But now none of them seem to fit too well with the new BV from 2011. So... ???

See the label below for our post on the new Shellack Attack BV from May 2011.


blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Shellack Attack from Two Old-School Blind Vices Mandy Moore?
Marcia Teixeira
São Paulo, Brazil

Dear Deluded:
Not even close, hon! Think older and less squeaky-clean."

"Dear Ted:
Maybe Shellack Attack is Denise Richards? Please tell me I'm right!?
Rachel Rizzuto
Fort Collins

Dear Hopeful:
Fort Collins what, hon? Sounds like something near a shopping mall or a Starbucks Kevin Federline would litter with cigarette butts. Regardless, you're getting very warm...ain't Denise, but you're sniffin' around the right nabe."

"Dear Ted:
I'll take a crack at Meatless Member from Two Old-School Blind Vices--I think it's Ty Pennington. He has a sweet smile and a great body and all that personality he's giving off...maybe he's making up for what's lacking elsewhere?

Dear Sausage Snoop:
Very warm but no cigar--or carrot, as it were. Think less visible, less vampy, less handsome...damn, less everything."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Meatless Member from Two Old-School Blind Vices thingy is Carrot Top.

Dear Veggie-on-the-Brain:
Wouldn't that be too perf? But nah, it ain't Carrot Top. Think less built, more bubbly."

blurry vice said...

If people think this is now ScarJo, remember Ted said she was never a BV. So sinc ethis is from 2006, can not be her unless he forgot about this one.

PrincessTiff said...

I'm baffled that someone guessed Carrot Top after the description "nice face" and "sweet smile." Lol.

Jackie DuPlante said...
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Jackie DuPlante said...

Jennifer Love Hewitt and her boyfriend just broke up (perhaps because he found out she was cheating?), she was dating someone in 2006 and she is curvy. Perhaps she could be considered for Shellack Attack.
And for Meatless Member, Clay Aiken keeps coming to mind. He is okay looking, and it would only surprise naive Americans if he was at a gay party.

Jenny said...

The der vice made me think of Winona Ryder....but it doesn't fit the new one.....Sandy B?

Jenny said...

Bah. Neither fits the new one...unless the new A-list romance isn't public yet?

Unknown said...

I think Cameron Diaz. She seems very publicly whipped by A-Rod who is A-list in sports, but also talks about how open and "like a guy" she is. "Making waves" as in surfing. Unless she's already been a BV?

Ahem said...

someone should mentioned the old bv to him and ask if 2006 shellack is the same 2011 shellack. we have this same issue with princess powder puff too.

Cassiopeia said...

Today Ted says that Shellack does not have an accent, unless you count "truck driver"...and that Sofia Vargera is not Shellack as Shellack has a totally different persona and a different hair color.

So Shellack is most likely a blonde.
The "truck driver" comment has to be a she has a potty mouth. I still think it's Scarlett, hasn't she been known to swear quite a bit?

Rita said...
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Anonymous said...

You guys are all on about Shellack, but how is Dane Cook a good guess for M.M.? Definitely decent arms, but...does he go to "gay soirées"? Sounds more like Taylor to me. Perhaps Tay is not Parrish after all!

PrincessTiff said...

I like both guesses (ignoring that Taylor is likely Parrish), but I don't know that either would be considered a "boob-tube" star. Plus, I don't think anyone knew or cared who Taylor was in 2006 (not to mention he would have been 14 at the time. Lol.) Dane might be a good guess, but I'm gonna need more convincing since I have a bit of a crush on him. :)

How about Mario Lopez?

Prufrock said...
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Cecilia00 said...

Ted eliminated Cameron Diaz this morning. I wonder if Pam Anderson fits...

Cassiopeia said...

Pam is too old.

Bobbi said...

WTF? Native Americans? Really?
You're just not right, you probably own the entire "boxed" Atkin Collection. :)

Bobbi said...

1st time poster...exciting!

Unknown said...

@Bobbi: the poster said "naïve americans", not native americans - I did a double take at that too! :)
So hmmm... what about all the Simpson refs in the AIAs? Any potential there?

blurry vice said...

To those guessing Taylor Lautner and Julianne Hough - this BV was written in 2006! Also, it is simply stated in the BV who the top guesses were AT THAT TIME - meaning in 2006. For a CURRENT discussion on the NEW BV from 2011, you can discuss that in that post's comments.

Unknown said...

A pretty random guess here, but what about Brooklyn Decker? (Not sure if Andy Roddick counts as Alist, but I can't imagine he's be happy about his missus with another fella)
Her first Sports Illustrated was 2006, and she also did a 'swim' campaign for Victoria Secret 'making waves'
And she's more famous for being a model, but has had quite a few acting roles, the Adam Sandler film, Ugly Betty etc...
My one problem is she might be a bit too young.

Unknown said...

Oh, and that's boyfriend, not husband.
Darn, back to the drawing board.

Srsly said...
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Srsly said...
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Unknown said...

By George, I've got it! Britney Spears!

Does Jason Trawick count as A-list?? lol

Dorothy said...

Who's close to Jenny McCarthy??????

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking someone from Playboy like the Girls Next Door. Holly Madison?

EnglishBarb said...

Ted has said in a recent bitch-back that Shellack is in her later 30's with blonde hair???

Sass-afras said...

Definitely think this is Chelsea Handler; she's the only one that fits. Bad dye job, "trucker"-like potty mouth, funny and engaging like Jenny McCarthy, not an actress or singer, but definitely known. She's also in a "serious" relationship.

Unknown said...

I also think its Chelsea HANDLER: Shellack supposely dumped the 2nd plebian guy (Andre Balazs?) and is w/ the famous partner (50 cent (really??)?).

Could fit.. she seems to have become a star climber...

Nina said...

Jennifer aniston!! Heart of gold appeal, thing for showier naughty boys (take one look at John Mayer). Reference to friend.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Love your blolumn and I know you're busy so I'll keep it short. Hayden Panettiere for Shellack Attack—it would fit as she just broke up with her older man

recently. Thoughts?

Dear Great Guess:
So close, yet not quite there, sweets...yet. Think of an older, less traditional celebrity.

Dear Ted:
I am loving the morning and afternoon Bitch-Backs, but I am worried about you being up at 3:30 in the morning! You need some well deserved sleep babe! Is

there any chance Shellack Attack is the one and only Brooklyn Decker?

Dear Shell Shock:
Gossip never sleeps, sweet-puss! Not a bad guess for naughty miss Shelly, but you're a bit off. Shelly doesn't rely on her looks nearly as much as Brooklyn


blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
You said Kristin Cavallari has a Blind Vice and that might be why her engagement didn't work out. So I think I might know which Vice she is. Is she Shellack


Dear Bride T.B.D.:
Yes K.Cav is most definitely a recent member of our Blind Vice fam, but she is not Shelly. She's a tag-team Vice with hubby-no-more Jay Cutler, if that helps

you narrow down the suspects."