Friday, August 21, 2009

One Stalled-Salami Blind Vice

New BV from Ted:

One Stalled-Salami Blind Vice

OMG, two heterosexual Blind Vices in a row! What's the world coming to? And guess what? This installment, just like last week's horror, is also about a supposed lady-killer who just somehow finds himself not really able to follow through—in every sense of the word. Here's what went down, or rather, didn't:
Horace Hum-Brow likes to play up his slightly nebbish, dork-dude appeal. It's certainly worked for the sorta good-lookin' horndog in the past, as Horry bags babes (entirely of the female variety, no Toothy Tile-type here, for sure) all the time. So much so, these femmes don't really have time to compare notes; they're all so busy getting pissed about his all-too-often abrupt departures and then his requisite brush-offs thereafter. He's a real skank, this one.
But guess what? Horace's questionable bedroom MO is finally catching up with him! Some of his castoff gals have now convened, and guess what sexual failing Hum-Brow's exhibited for each babe in question? Well, it turns out...
Horace must still be oh-so excited about all the tail his boob-tube fame gets him because once he's entered his partners, that's where it all stops. Uh, what do you mean, exactly?
"He just goes in and parks," complained one pretty sweetheart who'd had the misfortune of having a brief affair with Mr. Hum-Brow, whose famous name is probably what reels in half his conquests. "I thought maybe it was just a one time thing," added our between-the-sheets source. "So I tried it again in the morning, and then bam! He parked again! Just goes in and doesn't do a damn thing. It's awful!"
Regardless of the circumstances of coitus frozenitis, this much is clear: HHB doesn't try to please his partner in any other fashion, either. He just sort of nonperforms and then gets outta there! Über-douche!
Jeez, bro, what's your prob? Premature ejaculation? Not really into girls after all but keep trying to convince yourself otherwise? Or are ya just doin' the typical male thing and not caring about your partner at all? In any case, don't think you're gonna have so many babes to disappoint pretty soon, 'cause they're all stating to blab...about time, too.
And it ain't: Jeremy Piven, Jerry Ferrara, Kevin Connolly

Update 8/29 - Ted has also eliminated Dominic Monaghan, Zach Braff,

20 comments:

blurry vice said...

This could be anyone but from the AIA's it is probably someone on Entourage.

RHC said...

David Spade!

blurry vice said...

What about Jason Segal?

Kelly Adair said...

David Schwimmer

duffgrl said...

David Schwimmer is exactly who immediately came to mind for me too!

alana said...

David Schwimmer is a really really really good guess considering he just did a cameo on Entourage a week or two ago and all of the AIA's point to Entourage.

Erin said...

I think Jason's probably excluded. Earlier last week, Ted said he hasn't been a BV, but his friends have been.

blurry vice said...

Yes he said that about Jason Segal a few days BEFORE this BV.

Erin said...

Yeah. That's what I said. Regardless, I don't think the clues fit him. I guess it's a little debatable, but I'd say Jason Segel's popularity comes more from his films than his sitcoms. Plus, if he has a "lady-killer" reputation, I've never heard about it.

Not to mention, it would break my heart to find he's this bad in bed, LOL.

Peter said...

All three of the AIA's revolve around Adrien Grenier's character of Vince. But there's one that was left out. How 'bout Kevin Dillon? His character never gets any respect on Entourage and is sort of a goober.

Peter said...

My bad - Kevin Dillon's married.

But Seth Green isn't.........

andrea said...

I think Seth Green is a great guess! He is definatly slightly nebbish, and has the dork-dude appeal.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Awful Truth:
So Horace Hum-Brow is Dominic Monaghan, yes? I noticed you said the other day that if there were to be a B.V. about anyone on the Lost cast, it would be Dominic. I have met him a few times and always got a very strange vibe from him, and I also have always thought his relationship with Evangeline Lilly screamed "beard"—for both of them. Am I right?
—Convinced

Dear Evangelesbian?
Funny enough, I could totally believe it about both of them. But right now, I'm gonna hit both of those with a big ol' "denied" stamp. Sorry, boo."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Awful Truth:
Is Horace Hum-Brow Zach Braff?
—Lauren

Dear I Don't Want No Scrubs:
Negatory. Think far less...well, just far less Zach Braff."

duffgrl said...

I still think it's David Schwimmer. I don't think Seth Green is mostly known for TV fame; he's famous for his movie roles.

ktmotorfinger said...

Adrien Grenier? I though he was the other hetero bv, but this fits him so much better. Plus, for once all of the AIAs point right to him.

blurry vice said...

David Schwimmer made it to the BV superstar gallery -

"
David Schwimmer

Jennifer Aniston might be the most popular Friends alum, but when it comes to Blind Vices, David's done his fair share of devilishly delicious (not to mention downright nervy) things. Hey, he should consider it a compliment to be part of this discriminating club—Matt LeBlanc would prolly kill to be on any list nowadays.
"

blurry vice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
blurry vice said...

Clarification - we now believe David Schwimmer is Dewbie Stammer.

cassandra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ad