Sunday, August 16, 2009

One Naked-Googling Blind Vice

From Ted yesterday:
One Naked-Googling Blind Vice

Handsome enough, Fruzzy Tuna-Stench has never really had much of a problem with the ladies—that's because they usually don't tip each other off! Take a recent conquest of Fruzzy's, a babe who was so delighted to have found herself in Mr. Tuna-Stench's Hollywood Hills home, she wanted to squeal! Oh, my! And they'd only been dating for a bit, she thought, and he's already taken her into his private and storied man-quarters, such an achievement!
So there they are, the gorgeous brown-locked luscious one and her very, very famous bed partner, writhing away on the famous actor's oversize mattress. Tops off? Check. Jewelry off? Check. Then off fly the undies, too, so hot!
And there before our lucky gal lies the utterly nude, quasi-sculpted bod of Mr. Fruzzy...
Whose endowment our darling sex-horned babe cannot wait to devour and jump on—and dine away she does, impressive, horny girl! Only problem is…Mr. Fruzzy's private parts aren't exactly responding in kind. Something's wrong. Our sexed-out source wonders, Is it me? As she's a knockout above all knockouts, highly unlikely.
Disappointed with the fun foreplay stuff, Fruzzy's bed partner decides to just jump ahead to the main course, and go ahead and let daddy have his entrée right away, maybe he's just not a nooky appetizer kinda guy? Just strictly a meat and potatoes dude maybe? So they assume the position. And, well, nothin's happenin' in that department, either.
Alas, Fruzzy just can't get it up, and the amorous evening of promising love bites is a bust. Utterly depressed, our disappointed babe watches as Fruzzy, still naked, gets up and walk into his den, where he stays for some time. So she decides to follow him, wondering what's up.
And guess who's sitting at a computer Googling himself without a stitch on? Best part of all? Finally something had arisen—and it wasn't just the poor girl's irritation.


And It Ain't: Bradley Cooper, Stephen Moyer, John Mayer


Update Sept 22 - Ted has also eliminated David Duchovny, Kellan Lutz, George Clooney, Russell Brand, Keanu Reeves, Emile Hirsch.

30 comments:

pomme said...

gerald butler because he's supposed to be an ex of jen aniston and his name finishes by -er

Lisa said...

I think this screams Gorge Clooney to me. He's famous for dating skinny brunettes and Ted seems to make a point to call the woman "Brown-locked".

Kath said...

Given the tuna reference, this can only be Jeremy Piven!

Novia said...

From Twitter:

@theawfultruth is David Duchovny Fruzzy Tuna-Stench? I was searching for DD on E! and that BV happens to be on his profile.

@moorecris nope think not as tall, but right douche ballpark

duffgrl said...

I think Jeremy Piven and Gerard Butler are both good guesses but-has JP been a BI yet??-I don't see it being George Clooney

MP said...

DAVE CHAPPELLE!

chrstphrrr said...

J Aniston has been linked to Cooper and Mayer. Odd man out is Moyer, which is where Butler's name belongs.

nissivm said...

Ted twittered: Bonus hint: Fruzzy Tuna-Stench mentioned this week in blolumn, too, something not in H-wood

So, it´s not clear if Tuna was already mentioned this week(and that would mean he has appeared somewhere Sunday, monday or today -> I made the research and the only one possible that was commented as being outside HW was Dave Chapelle. But it can´t be him, since he´s married with children, and couldn´t possibily be "dating" and bringing anyone to his home!)

Therefore, i think Tuna is STILL gonna appear at some point this week on Awful Truth. Let´s pay attention!

nissivm said...

Ted twittered: Bonus hint: Fruzzy Tuna-Stench mentioned this week in blolumn, too, something not in H-wood

So, it´s not clear if Tuna was already mentioned this week(and that would mean he has appeared somewhere Sunday, monday or today -> I made the research and the only one possible that was commented as being outside HW was Dave Chapelle. But it can´t be him, since he´s married with children, and couldn´t possibily be "dating" and bringing anyone to his home!)

Therefore, i think Tuna is STILL gonna appear at some point this week on Awful Truth. Let´s pay attention!

duffgrl said...

No, there were a FEW guys mentioned outside of Hollywood in Ted's column this wk: most notably Jeremy Piven-spotted in a New Jersey Starbucks! Also-Mark Wahlberg and Christan Bale in Massachusetts but I don't think it's them.

sistah2 said...

based on Teds twitter, it looks like JPiven to me

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I really think that One Naked-Googling Blind Vice is Kellan Lutz, especially since I saw "Kellan Me Softly" as a clue. I am right aren't I?
—williams7205

Dear Lutzing:
Babe, you're so off, you're Michelle Obama's new hairdo. Think far furrier, thicker and older."

MamaMouse said...

I couldn't help but think of Jack Nicholson for this one. He does say 'very, very famous'

Lisa said...

I think the very, very famous line is what made George Clooney pop in my head. I'm terrible at these things!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Fruzzy Tuna-Stench David Duchovny?
—Cris

Dear Google Addict:
No, not that thin. Or married."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I think I know the identity of limp ladylover Fruzzy Tuna-Stench. Did someone in your inner circle—perhaps even yourself—once steam up some windows with a younger Fruzzy in a Blind Vice a long, long time ago?
—Catherine

Dear Smells Fishy:
No. That was not me, nor Fruzzy, who makes no attempt to steam anything, man, woman or sex toy, if he can lie around naked satisfying himself (alone), instead."

blurry vice said...

This is another one that could be anyone. But Gerard Butler and Jeremy Piven are good guesses.

ktmotorfinger said...

Adrien Grenier? and the lady could be Ashley Greene...

Erin said...

Dear Awful Truth:
I know you love to hate Gerry Butler, so just spill the beans: He's the star of how many blind items? Plus, make something clear for me, once a celeb gets their blind item nickname, they stick to that or do you use more than one nicks for some? Love!
—Diana

Dear Ugly Truth:
Believe it or not, Ger's managed to stay out of our Vice section. Tho if he was one, he'd have
one name and one name only, as is how we do things here, babe.

I guess Grenier or Piven. Has Piven really never been a BV before?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What are the chances Fruzzy T.S. is John Mayer?
—pd

Dear Zero Percent:
Wrong Blind Vice, deary. Think far less-talented, too."

"Dear Awful Truth:
I have to know—is Fruzzy Tuna-Stench George Clooney? Thanks!
—Lisa

Dear Wonderin' Woman:
Clooney's got tons more taste than Fruzzy. They wouldn't associate in the same circles."

dmom said...

I'm thinking this is Russell Brand. I just read about him on another site...young model type fooling around, threesome, the works...when all was said and done, the girls caught him naked self googling. He fits Ted's description.

Hollyweird is so odd, it could be so many egocentric guys but I'm betting on Russell Brand.

Just emailed Ted to see if I'm close.

dmom said...

Ted's guys replied today with a no to Russell Brand, Fruzzy is American.

blurry vice said...

fruzzy tuna stench

"Dear Awful Truth:
Love your column, been reading you for years... always a lurker, never a poster, but I think I've figured out a blind vice. Fruzzy Tuna-Stench is Russell Brand. Come on, gotta be him, right?
—Soluri

Dear What's That Smell:
Fruzzy is American, sweetie."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Having a brave moment here and wanted to take a stab at the ID of a Blind Vice...I'm thinking Tuna Fruzzy Stench is Keanu Reeves.
—Roy

Dear So Close:
Totally think why you would think that, especially with his recently unshowered looks. But no, Fruzzy looks just a tad more put together when he's out in public. Just by a hair tho."

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Heidi said...

Another hint given by Ted today (01/20/10)that makes me think this might be Piven:

Dear Ted:
Jeremy Piven and January Jones? This is such an odd couple, do you have any scoop behind this pairing?
—M

Dear Makes 2 of Us:
Just that don't expect for it to last long. Like, at all. In fact, I'd be shocked if it would ever happen again! Blame it on the alcohol. That is, if anything was able to happen between them, if you catch me.

blurry vice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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